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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset best friend has concealed pregnancy from me?

66 replies

mumofmad5 · 25/07/2014 12:37

Name changed regular.

Just received a text. "Just to let you know I am 6 months (nearly 7!) pregnant x"

Back story. Best friend of 16 years, went to school and uni together. I settled down very quickly after, had my children, whilst she went on to a very successful career and relocated to Australia. We have always kept in close contact, several times a week via email/skype/facebook etc.

She had been TTC for 2 years, was worried her clock was ticking (we are both approaching 40) and whilst I offered an ear for her and reassurance, I didn't keep asking as I didn't want her to feel under any more pressure. What is really weirding me out is that she has been complaining about not being pregnant, whilst she has been pregnant!

Don't get me wrong, I did not expect her to announce it as soon as she had POAS, but 7 months?! I am not an early sharer myself, but told her early on in my pregnancies and asked her to keep quiet.

I know this might sound silly, but I am now feeling like I need to review the friendship. I feel sad that I didn't share her (presumably) early joy, the excitement of having her first scan etc. I obviously congratulated her (I am so happy for her) but not really sure how I should react now.

So AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

mumofmad5 · 25/07/2014 15:20

Thanks a lot for the replies. It has made me see sense.

I think this has highlighted to me perhaps how different we are. For me I couldn't not share something so important with her (regardless of circs) After my husband i consider her to be the next closest person to me. I don't have any sisters whilst she has 2, so perhaps I am more invested in the "sister friendship" side of things than she is.

OP posts:

diddl · 25/07/2014 15:30

It could just be that you are a sharer & she isn't, though.

PintOfWine · 25/07/2014 15:32

I think it's more bizarre that a friend who knew I was TTC would call me up to tell me she "felt" I was pregnant. And then asked me to confirm her hunch.

WTF.

Even if you "feel" it or "dream" it - you wait for the person to announce her pregnancy.

BettyFlour · 25/07/2014 15:41

Like a PP, I think you forced her to keep quiet by saying you thought she was pregnant when she was having difficulties conceiving.

OP defended this by saying: "FWIW I don't consider a year to be a long time TTC, it is average surely? Not considered "having trouble" at that stage."

But it your OP, you said "She had been TTC for 2 years, was worried her clock was ticking (we are both approaching 40)"

JustinFletchersLoveBunny · 25/07/2014 15:53

She could have been petrified of being pregnant and worried about superstition. She might have felt like announcing it to anyone would jinx her. Pregnancy can do funny things to people so I wouldn't judge too harshly or assume it means anything about your friendship.

I do think it's a bit strange that you would say to someone who is stressed about TTC that you think they are pregnant though. Not the kind of thing someone who wants a baby but hasn't got one yet wants to hear.

NotALondoner · 25/07/2014 16:15

A person I considered a best friend didn't even tell me she was pregnant. I overheard her partner talking about it and kept quiet, thinking she would tell me and I could be all excited. But then a few months later I heard on the grapevine she had given birth. I messaged her partner to give congratulations and say I hadn't known she was pregnant but he didn't reply. I saw her a month ago and I think it's happening again. The friendship is definitely changed, now I can take her or leave her and would make no effort for her.

icedfingers · 25/07/2014 16:21

I'm sorry, YABU.

I concealed a pregnancy until 25 weeks, from everybody. I was in a bad place emotionally, and tried to block it all out. I'm definitely not proud of it, but if one of my friends felt that they need to reassess the friendship because they weren't told, I'm sorry but I wouldn't want them as a close friend.

Original poster

mumofmad5 · 25/07/2014 16:22

I didn't go out of the way to tell her I thought she was pregnant, it was just mid convo. She has told me many times she dreamed that i had a healthy boy for example, but I never felt weird about that, just "oooh, that's interesting" type of thing. I honestly don't think it "put more pressure on her". I was the one reassuring her that it takes different lengths of time for different people.

We are 36, nearly 37 btw. When I said approaching 40, sorry I didn't mean next year, just that she was concious that 40 is only a few years ahead.

OP posts:

BunnyPotter · 25/07/2014 16:39

I think you are not being unreasonable to feel the way you do. I had a very, very close friend reply to my "I'm pregnant" at 12 weeks on the nose with "Oh yes, forgot to tell you, I'm 17 weeks." I too thought of her the way you seem to your friend and it really hurt me. And she'd told other people.

So I think it's in the framework of "normal". That doesn't mean it's the best response to have though, but it is an important life event and it's not nice to feel sidelined on something we thought/assumed we'd be one of the first to know/know early on, because we'd have shared the same news with her early on.

For me it did make me look at how much I invested in the friendship and it's changed (I realised I was investing more emotionally than her), but it's still there and she's still a good friend.

She may have had problems or emotional issues with the pregnancy, but everyone talking about that is just speculating. You didn't ask about her reasons, you asked about your emotional response (which it sounds wasn't conveyed by your actual response) and for that I think YANBU.

Sallycinnamum · 25/07/2014 16:45

OP my b

BunnyPotter · 25/07/2014 16:47

A shorter version:
Are you being unreasonable for feeling upset that your friend didn't share what you would have with her at a similar stage? No.

Was she unreasonable for sharing it so late? Probably not.

Sallycinnamum · 25/07/2014 16:49

Sorry-damn iPad!

I was going to say I recently experienced this when a very close friend turned up to a meal very visibly pregnant. I think she was six months gone if memory serves me correct.

She only told people at this late stage as she had a very traumatic experience with her first DC who died when she was a few months old.

She just didn't want to tempt fate by telling everyone I suppose. In fact when she announced the birth on the dreaded Facebook, I think it was a massive surprise to a lot of her friends that she'd had a second child.

Original poster

mumofmad5 · 25/07/2014 16:55

BunnyPotter you have hit the nail on the head.

IABU because I thought that my friend would share her pregnancy with me because I would do that with her. I shouldn't expect that, and it is a wakeup call for me.

I am obviously delighted for her and can't wait for her to share more info and I shall try to stop checking whatsapp every five minutes

OP posts:

sisterofmercy · 25/07/2014 16:57

"Out of the two of us she certainly is the one who people would look up to. High flying career, lots of exotic travel, great style etc. I never worked, have been happy (most of the time) at home with my children (one who is severely disabled) but recently she made a passing comment that I was "the one who had it all", and that really shocked me."

Sounds like her feelings on having children were probably running deeper and darker than you knew. I suspect this is why she hid the news. She might have even been feeling guilty at having got what she wanted so much and was frightened to show her happiness/surprise/relief/fear to someone who perhaps sees family life as the ordinary everyday.

Hopefully your hurt will recede as your friend gets used to the new status quo and that you might both might naturally reach a compromise in how much you both share that suits you.

TruJay · 25/07/2014 17:05

I don't think she is unreasonable to keep her pregnancy news quiet for however long she wants to, I did with my DD.

She was my 3rd pregnancy, first was DS, second ended in MMC and because of that I just kept quiet about DD.

I only told my closest friend and immediate family (parents) between 16/20 weeks. A lot of my other friends found out when i went to my best friend's (who knew about the pregnancy) for a girly film and Chinese night with a big 6 month bump! Everyone was shocked but very happy for me.

I just didn't want to jynx myself after my previous loss.

But if u were the best of friends I too would be upset/hurt she hadn't told me whether or not we have the 'right' to feel that way.

This may be a shot in the dark but is there any chance she is using a surrogate? And she is comfortable to announce a baby is on the way but not wanting to say how, if that makes sense??

tiggerkid · 25/07/2014 17:19

After 2 years of TTC, it sounds to me like she just worries about everything going wrong if she tells too much or too soon. There are some people like that. I wouldn't worry about it. I really don't think it's a reflection of how good or strong your friendship is.

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