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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset best friend has concealed pregnancy from me?

66 replies

mumofmad5 · 25/07/2014 12:37

Name changed regular.

Just received a text. "Just to let you know I am 6 months (nearly 7!) pregnant x"

Back story. Best friend of 16 years, went to school and uni together. I settled down very quickly after, had my children, whilst she went on to a very successful career and relocated to Australia. We have always kept in close contact, several times a week via email/skype/facebook etc.

She had been TTC for 2 years, was worried her clock was ticking (we are both approaching 40) and whilst I offered an ear for her and reassurance, I didn't keep asking as I didn't want her to feel under any more pressure. What is really weirding me out is that she has been complaining about not being pregnant, whilst she has been pregnant!

Don't get me wrong, I did not expect her to announce it as soon as she had POAS, but 7 months?! I am not an early sharer myself, but told her early on in my pregnancies and asked her to keep quiet.

I know this might sound silly, but I am now feeling like I need to review the friendship. I feel sad that I didn't share her (presumably) early joy, the excitement of having her first scan etc. I obviously congratulated her (I am so happy for her) but not really sure how I should react now.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Idontseeanyicegiants · 25/07/2014 13:27

She could have only just found out, I was nearly 5 months when I found out I was pg the first time.
YABU, Inthink you need to hold off and find out if everything's ok.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 25/07/2014 13:27

I was thinking amnio test results too. I think there is clearly more going on here than simply trying to weird you out. I like the advice to tread softly

AggressiveBunting · 25/07/2014 13:30

i had a friend who did this- didn't tell anyone until she was 6 mo pregnant with twins after 3 failed rounds of IVF. I can understand it tbh.

Boglin · 25/07/2014 13:30

One of my closest friends didn't tell me and our mutual friend until she was almost 6 months pregnant. I felt a little strange about it so I do see where you are coming from but a year or so on and the friendship is still as strong as ever so it doesn't necessarily mean anything is amiss there. She must have had her reasons, either she only just found out, she has had problems previously or in this pregnancy or there have been other things going on in her life that has meant she hasn't really been thinking about the pregnancy until now. I'd wait until your next Skype convo and then bring it up in a 'this is so exciting, when did you find out?' kind of way.

FeministStar · 25/07/2014 13:31

Maybe she has had a difficulty pregnancy and wanted to see how it went?
I know somebody who is pregnant and very ill, they told people early about their first but are keeping this one quiet for now. I only know because they came to visit and she was feeling extremely sick.

Blueuggboots · 25/07/2014 13:32

My best friend didn't tell me she was pregnant until she was 5 months because she knew my thoughts on her choice of partner and thought I would be cross??!
Clearly I was pleased for her because it was what she wanted.

Osirus · 25/07/2014 13:32

It's possible she's only just found out. Recently, someone I know went for a scan regarding her supposed infertility to find out she was eight months pregnant!

SomeSunnySunday · 25/07/2014 13:32

YABU. It's odd to actively complain about not being able to conceive when you are pregnant, but the rest I can understand. I'm 19 weeks with DC3 and have told very few people, and my best friend only a few days ago. This is nothing to do with anyone other than me (and DH - but mainly me); I have a history of miscarriage, have had bleeding in this pregnancy, and just haven't felt very secure in or confident about it. I felt that by telling people I'd jinx it, and then have to untell. To be honest I still feel a bit like that and am only telling people because I'm showing - if it wasn't for this I genuinely think I'd keep it to myself until I gave birth.

Original poster
mumofmad5 · 25/07/2014 13:48

Okay I accept IABU.

She has known since very early on apparently, but has not responded to my other questions (such as due date etc)

Sadly I am no stranger to loss/genetic abnormalities. I kept my pregnancies very quiet until I was showing, but told family and my best friend after 12 weeks.

She has been TTC for about 14 months now that she is 7 months pregnant. A few times I said to her I had a feeling she was pregnant, and she was like "I wish :-(" I said this about a month ago, so she definately knew, but not only didn't tell me, but lied to cover it up.

She is a fairly private person generally, but....I don't know......7 months is a long time!

She has had several fairly long haul holidays in the pregnancy, so I think it is unlikely that she has had serious complications.

As she hasn't responded to me i feel like she doesn't want to talk about it, so I will just wait to see if/when she shares anything.

I know this isn't about me, I will continue to offer support if she asks, I suppose I am sad in the sense that I would view her children on par with my neices and nephews, and perhaps she doesn't want that.

Just to clarify that I am not upset at her, she must have her reasons, I will not raise it again with her, but more saddened that she didn't want to/felt she couldn't tell me.

OP posts:
JessicaFletcher2014 · 25/07/2014 14:01

One of my closest friends didn't tell me or our other friend until she was 6 months pregnant and when she did tell she announced it on Facebook. I was stunned and a little hurt. However I congratulated her and she has now had the baby and I sent her a gift.

Just because we wouldn't tell news that way we have to accept how & when others do.

RedToothBrush · 25/07/2014 14:03

YABU

You don't know how she is coping.

Not everyone deals with being pregnant in the same way. Some find it hard to come to terms with even if they are trying as its a shock they need to get their heads round, or are particularly anxious about the pregnancy and something going wrong.

I'm nearly 8 months pregnant. We haven't told all our friends yet, including some we consider close, because it has been very stressful and I have not wanted it to be the topic of every conversation as a result.

We only told some family at 5months and there is still family we haven't told (but thats another story) as we don't feel able to deal with our own stresses on top of their reaction.

DoJo · 25/07/2014 14:13

A few times I said to her I had a feeling she was pregnant, and she was like "I wish :-(" I said this about a month ago, so she definately knew, but not only didn't tell me, but lied to cover it up.

That puts a whole new spin on it - why on earth were you saying things like that to someone who you thought was having trouble conceiving? You made it sound as though she was instigating the conversations about not being pregnant, but you kind of forced her into lying about it by saying things like that.

I actually hated lying to people when I was pregnant, but even more than that I hated the people who would 'accuse' me of being pregnant when it was clear that even if I was, I didn't want to tell them. I would NEVER say that to someone as a result, and it is possibly why your friend chose not to tell you - it is hard to have your happy news met by someone crowing 'I knew it' instead of being surprised and excited for you!

Also, the method and timing of her announcement is very unlikely to be any reflection on the way she views your children or how she is expecting you to view hers. You seem to be investing a lot of emotion in how she has shared this news with you - is it really that important?

weatherall · 25/07/2014 14:23

At 40 I can see why she waited until after her amino results to tell anyone.

diddl · 25/07/2014 14:35

there were probably certain "milestones/hurdles" that she wanted to get over?

We decided to wait until 12wks before telling anyone at all.

Then decided to tell parents all together, which added on another four weeks.

diddl · 25/07/2014 14:37

Why would you ever say to someone that you thought they were pregnant/

how does that even come about?

Original poster
mumofmad5 · 25/07/2014 14:37

A few times I said to her I had a feeling she was pregnant, and she was like "I wish :-(" I said this about a month ago, so she definately knew, but not only didn't tell me, but lied to cover it up.

That puts a whole new spin on it - why on earth were you saying things like that to someone who you thought was having trouble conceiving? You made it sound as though she was instigating the conversations about not being pregnant, but you kind of forced her into lying about it by saying things like that.

I texted her once saying I woke up with this really strange feeling that she was pregnant, and another time I had a dream she was pregnant and told her (we are both into "feelings" IYKWIM and would share them with each other, so this would not be unusual)

FWIW I don't consider a year to be a long time TTC, it is average surely? Not considered "having trouble" at that stage.

Friend in previous (general) discussions said she would not have any antenatal tests as outcome would not change anything.

Anyway, I totally accept IABU, still feel a bit down though. As someone pointed out above though I do probably invest too much emotionally into friendships, but for me that is what friendship is about. Part of the disappointment is that others don't feel the same I suppose.

OP posts:
ILiveOnABuildsite · 25/07/2014 14:48

I agree with those who say it's a bit weird to pretend not to be pregnant when she was, unless she hadn't found yet?

As for telling you so late we waited until I was noticeably showing before telling friends (we told family after first scan), so for us we didn't tell anyone until nearly 7 months too. So maybe that can explain that bit?

Staryyeyedsurprise · 25/07/2014 14:49

mumofmad5

FWIW I don't consider a year to be a long time TTC, it is average surely? Not considered "having trouble" at that stage.

In your late 30s you'd be advised to seek advised after 6mths TTC.

RedToothBrush · 25/07/2014 14:51

May she felt pressured by you. If she really didn't want to talk about the subject because she was concerned about something, thats fair enough. Even if that means lying.

She clearly felt she needed to do it on her own terms and thats fair enough. It should be about her and what she needs, not "how much she values your friendship".

Makes me think YAB even more U.

Pugaboo · 25/07/2014 14:55

I agree it is strange she didn't tell you given your conversations if that's how you'd usually talk to each other.

Perhaps there was a v good reason for waiting to tell you, and perhaps she didn't tell ANYONE until recently? Perhaps she had a late loss?

If not, do you think there's an element of control or resentment? Have you betrayed her trust in the past?

Either way I'd take a deep breath and try to put it behind you and be happy for her.

Vintagebeads · 25/07/2014 14:56

I would say there is more too it.You obviously haven't spoken to her yet from your OP so wait till you talk to her, as close are you are there are some things that often stay between a couple and I hope there is a reason why as I agree pretending not to be pregnant while you are instead of just saying nothing is odd.

fluffyraggies · 25/07/2014 15:01

You're taking it well OP. You can see that it's not about you.

I'm sure you're not the only one she/they have kept it from. TTC and fears about loss, abnormalities, jealousy, even simply struggling to accept the 'truth' of a pregnancy can do odd things to a previously perfectly sane friend.

I've been 'that' friend, and at the mo my oldest friend is being 'that' friend. I think other peoples pregnancies stir up deep weird emotions more commonly than we like to admit.

elliejjtiny · 25/07/2014 15:02

YABU. I didn't tell people until really late with DC5. I had my reasons.

Original poster
mumofmad5 · 25/07/2014 15:10

pugaboo that is interesting you mentioned the control aspect, because a few times in the past she has done things that in hind sight seem controlling.

I definately haven't betrayed trust at any stage. Recently in conversation she described me as a "safe option, the one who is always there" and now that is playing in my mind and I don't know what to make of that!

Out of the two of us she certainly is the one who people would look up to. High flying career, lots of exotic travel, great style etc. I never worked, have been happy (most of the time) at home with my children (one who is severely disabled) but recently she made a passing comment that I was "the one who had it all", and that really shocked me.

OP posts:
DoJo · 25/07/2014 15:10

Well, you know her best, so if that was the kind of conversation you thought she would be happy to have, then that's your call, but she clearly wasn't ready to share it with you at that point, and the only way to avoid it in those circumstances is to lie.

And WRT 'having trouble' conceiving, you said in your OP that she had been TTC for two years - at her age, that is 'having trouble' conceiving. Even if it was only 14 months before she was pregnant, you thought it had been two years with nothing, so I would have found it insensitive of you to be saying things like that. She may not, that's fair enough, but it would have put me off telling someone if they were carrying on as though it was a topic for general discussion even when they thought pregnancy might be a source of considerable unhappiness for me.

Either way, it sounds like you are coming round to the idea, however the news was delivered, and hopefully this little blip will all be forgotten by the time the baby arrives and you can return to whatever passes for normality with a newborn on the scene!

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