People who can't make a simple bloody choice.

[MilkandCereal]

AIBU to want to kill,or maim someone who asks you to get them something from the supermarket,and when asked which flavour they'd like say 'It doesn't matter'. Only to turn their nose up at the flavour you do bring,in spite of asking them again,instore,which they'd prefer?

Surely any jury would be understanding?

I am this person. But I think much of it stems from
XP being so bloody martyred about me expressing a preference for anything, eg:

XP: I don't know what to get for dinner, what do you want?
ME: I honestly don't mind. We've got some salmon so let's just get some brocolli and new potatoes.
XP: No, I really don't want that. I want Chinese. But I guess we'll have to have salmon if you want it so badly.
ME: I said I didn't mind. It was just a suggestion based on what we have... Chinese is great too!
XP: No it's ok, we'll have salmon, it's what you want.
ME: I'd enjoy Chinese just as much.
XP: I'm making you salmon, you want salmon.

XP: The salmon was OK but I really fancy Chinese still.
ME: Well let's have Chinese tomorrow.
XP: I was looking forward to that steak we have in the freezer tomorrow. But I guess we'll have to have Chinese if you want it.... Etc

GRRRRR. And he's not the only one who does this. So often it's easier not to express any preference at all than to offer suggestions that are going to be taken as gospel.

tortoiseonthehalf can I please come and live in your house? Your fridge sounds amazing!

The psychology of this is funny, isn't it. I was reading a book which discussed this sort of situation. Seems that being easy to please/ indecisive tends to annoy people. However, being a tiny bit demanding and asking for favours ('I know you weren't making any, but I'd love a coffee!') makes people feel warmer towards you. Weird isn't it?

It's not usually low self-esteem. Often it's laziness. And sometimes it's a misplaced ego thing of trying to look cool or relaxed or generous. You've occupied the "nice person person seat" by giving them a choice and they want it back by trying to out-do you in the generosity stakes. But moaning about your choice afterwards is unforgivable!

Its because someone not making a decision shifts the responsibility on to someone else. It makes them responsible if anything goes 'wrong' and I think subtly suggests they have to be in charge of more things than the original choice to be honest.

Every trip to the IL's is like this; it's like a Mexican stand-off of I don't mind and whatever's easiest. I've realised that if there's something I really want to do when we're away with them I should just get on and do it, otherwise I just sit back and wait until they've finished dithering and do what I'm told. Honestly, they make me feel like a border collie around so many sheep sometimes...

Garlic because I am a kind and thoughtful person who ponders thoughts of poisoning his food

However, this. morning's conversation:
DH - I'll go down and make us some breakfast. What kind of fruit do you fancy with your yoghurt?
Me- anything, I'm not fussy. (said pointedly but to no effect)
DH comes back upstairs with tea and bowls of yoghurt and fruit. Hands me one, begins to tuck in to his reading his iPad.
Me- What have you got with your yoghurt?
DH- Blueberries.
Me- Why have I got strawberries?
DH- 'cos I thought you'd like them and you said you wanted anything.
Me- I would have preferred blueberries
DH- Have this one then and I'll have the strawberries
Me- No, it's fine.
DH - Oh shit, not 'fine'! Fine never means fine.That's a euphemism for ' I'll just eat them and look like a martyr while you enjoy your blueberries'

' That's a euphemism' not 'That'suphemism' Grr!

My DPs most annoying thing is me going the shop and asking if he wants anything, he always says 'a surprise' which obviously puts me under a huge amount of pressure so he now gets a Kinder Surprise unless he specifies

I had 19 years if this. In the 20th year I'm making a stand.

I make choices that suit me rather than trying to work out what today my DH might be thinking.

Then if he says anything I make sure he knows I feel hurt and annoyed that he gave me the choice and then moans about my decision and tell him if there are provisos on his 'I don't mind' then to say so next time so he doesn't annoy me.

We're getting there.

'In her case, I truly believe that it is a test. If we loved her enough, we'd know exactly what she wants and give it to her.'

OH MY GOD YES to this. This is my mother, and I suspect probably my MIL as well.

Me: What would you like for Xmas/birthday, mother?
Mother: A surprise (like a frigging toddler)

This would be tolerable if she wasn't the fussiest person in the history of the world. Cue weeks of wracking brains and weighing up a million options knowing that you have a 98.9% chance that whatever you buy it will be not quite right and she will be all martyred about it. This was in the past though - I've given up pandering to the martyrdom. Now I just buy something that I think she might reasonably like and think no more of it. I don't particularly care whether it ticks all her boxes or not.

I was brought up to say 'I don't mind' as the polite response, as anything more definite turns you into Jennifer Lopez apparently. Balls to that - I've become a lot more assertive recently and feel much more comfortable about expressing a preference. The 'I don't mind' brigade drive me crackers. Cailin, I LOVE what you said to your MIL - and it worked!

X post with Lauren about the request for 'a surprise'!

DH is terrible for this - I think it borne of laziness.

He CBA to do the thinking, and furthermore, if my choice turns out to be the wrong one, then he is also absolved of blame.

I do try to be charitable as he is a C level executive during the day and has responsibility for literally thousands of people's jobs. To be fair, If I carried that on my shoulders in my professional life, I probably wouldn't want to do it at home...

Still fucking irritating though

I get that from my DH too, SteeleyeSpanx.

Me: What do you fancy for dinner?

DH: I'm sick of making decisions, I've been doing that all day at work. You decide.

Which would be fine if DH was happy to eat anything. He's pickier than that.

Shadow and steeleye it does sound like they only want to make decisions they are paid for tbh!

Oh this is my MIL

"You just carry on and make what you always do, I'll fit in with you."

Then we get:

"I don't eat strong spices."
"I only bake with brown non-refined sugar."
"I read that soya is really bad for you."

etc etc etc ad infinitum.

If she doesn't turn her nose up at it, she smothers it in salt before even tasting it, then pushes it round her plate and finally says "I'll just make myself a little sandwich." Then complains that none of the bread is right.

I can feel my blood pressure rising reading this.

Me - What do you want for tea (we both work full time but i do 3 days at home so can get to the freezer)
OH - Dont mind
Me - Chilli?
OH - Nope - dont fancy that
Me - Pork chop?
OH- no too fatty
Me: Steak?
OH - no
ME - FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST AND ALL THE HOLY FUCKING SAINTS - START FUCKING MINDING OR DINNER WILL BE ANCHOVY STEW WITH CHICKPEAS

Now - either dont bother asking - if OH doesnt like they can swivel or give a list - today was 3 choices
ME - you can have sausages, pasta or seabass.

OH - Sea bass

Solved. I think self confidence is one thing but it also butt-arse fucking lazy. i swear if i didn't do 90% of the food or all the food shopping they would fucking starve or live on M&S shuv-in-the-uv or Tesco - Zapinasack.

And breathe -

i see it now as passive aggressive - it makes me wrong for choosing the wrong food and out come the burning chains of martydom

Are you talking about my husband. Asked for his opinion on what time to get a train "Oh whatever, both are fine!" That was not what I wanted to hear.

So I made a choice and the kids are moaning.

My DH does what ethel mentioned. I cottoned on to him fairly quickly and refuse to make a choice if I think he's doing that. It tends to be bigger things like 'which car do you think I should spend all this money on?' At which point I tell him it has to be his choice, he has to be happy with it so he has to make the decision.

I don't ask him what he wants to eat. I decide what to cook and he knows if I've cooked it then it's what is for dinner. I'm not totally bossy about it, never give him or the DDs something I know they don't like.

This was MIL! After many years we were going on a big holiday with her so we decided to nip it in the bud.

It caused genuine panic on her part that we expected her to express a choice and led to some interesting conversations.

She genuinely thought she was making life easier for those around her, added to which she was very fearful that if she expressed a preference, for example, of restaurant, and it wasn't perfect then she would be blamed.

However, if someone else made a choice and it wasn't perfect she would "jokingly" make references to it for months.

We have a slight variation on this in ours in that DH will ask what I want for dinner (he does most of the cooking). Even though I'll eat anything put in front of me, I'll usually offer up a suggestion, not necessarily a preference, which ALWAYS gets rejected!
Likewise if I'm cooking, he'll come out and ask what we're having. I can guarantee he'll make a face at whatever it is and suggest something else which I then make but then every now and then, he gives out that I don't make any decisions! Can't win

I do this. I didn't realise how annoyed others would be :( I've always hated making decisions of any kind, I hate it and I hate being forced into one too. I've never known why but the reasons written here seem like they could ring true: identity issues, wanting to please others particularly.

Must stop. But it's so hard to make a decision when I want to please the other person rather than myself.

tortoiseinthehalfshell
That is my dh too.
I think what actually annoys me there is the fussiness. The insistence that we all must spend all this time on his choices and requirements
I've already decid on soup, why do we need a meeting about his choice?

It's worse because I'm the opposite. More like Garlic and others.
I don't like being asked to make a choice. I love small menus in restaurants and if the waiter "tells me" what I "should have" then I am even happier.

I am guilty of this when asked if I want tea or coffee but I have got better since I realised I can drink cheap tea but not cheap coffee. When asked I always choose tea now!I do not mind cooking for DP and DC and DSC but I hate having to choose what we are having. I ask them all and invariably they say whatever or what do you want? It is so annoying so now I just choose and woe betide anyone who complains!