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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for help with an 11 year old who can't entertain himself ...

65 replies

kitnkaboodle · 24/07/2014 09:38

It's the first day of his holidays today and he has to be the only kid in the world who is in tears over it Shock He is overwhelmed by the idea of all those weeks leisure time.
He is the first to admit that he can never think of ideas to entertain himself. This issue is that I work at home and there will be some days/mornings where I simply have to shut myself away and work and can't be on hand to entertain him/think of ideas. This morning he has fiddled around for an hour or so on computer/tablet and then had a meltdown because he is bored. (he's no stranger to computer games, but doesn't enjoy playing them for hours on end)
He has an older brother who is quite happy at home in the holidays (breaks up today) and has no trouble amusing himself. They are a bit at each other's throats at the moment, so unlikely to want to do anything together.
All these suggestions were rejected by him this morning:

  • call on a friend/his cousin up the road (no - too shy to be the one to go and call round. I've texted their mums to say please feel free to call on us)
  • read (no - he's downloaded a book and 'it's boring')
  • do computer animation on my laptop
  • music practice (which he actually enjoys usually - I know it sounds deathly ...)
  • draw/write/make a cartoon strip/write some music/make something with lego robotics
  • skype friends in the next village to see if they want to play on the green there - I will happily take him and drop him there for an hour
  • download a film which I will pay for
... all rejected

I will be taking time off to go on days out and short trips away, and my partner will be looking after him on some days, but we have no long holidays planned (who can afford it??)

Is there a good website somewhere with holiday activity ideas that don't require parental involvement?

Help!!

OP posts:
FrankSaysNo · 24/07/2014 09:40

Send him to the park or out on his bike. Come September he will have to be a lot more independent when he goes to secondary

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 24/07/2014 09:44

I think you have to leave him to it.

You've offered multiple choices and suggestions and he's rejected all of them.

He has to work this out for himself.

DialsMavis · 24/07/2014 09:45

Get him to decide what he wants to make you for lunch, write a list then send to the shop for ingredients and come back and make it. Mine is fine once I have invented found a reason for him to be out and about.

Are you near to library so he can cycle down there and join the reading scheme?

MrsWinnibago · 24/07/2014 09:48

I work from home too so understand your issues. BUT...you need childcare. It's not fair on DS to ignore him and expect him to entertain himself. He's 11 and obviously not the type to go out and play....he needs something organised to participate in.

YouTheCat · 24/07/2014 09:48

Mavis's idea is great.

But other than that I'd let him be bored. It's the only way he'll figure it out for himself.

amyhamster · 24/07/2014 09:49

The first day of the holidays are hard
Plus he just finished his old school so is probably emotional
I'd take him out & work later tbh

amyhamster · 24/07/2014 09:50

There is no childcare for 11 year olds - too old for childminders & activity weeks are ££s

dangly131 · 24/07/2014 09:51

Can he not think of ideas because he has never had to? If he has always been given ideas instead of thinking some for himself then he will find this a struggle. Discuss with him how there are plenty of things to do but that sometimes he needs to think, research, use his imagination to come up with ideas. Challenge him to think of 5 things to do. Then discuss the viability - transport, cost, distance, company etc. Being bored is something we don't often allow to happen but it can be good for them to become independent thinkers and creative!

BellaVita · 24/07/2014 09:52

He needs to get on with it.

SaucyJack · 24/07/2014 09:54

When mine moan that they're bored, I tell them to go and tidy their bedroom. They soon find something else to do.

Delphiniumsblue · 24/07/2014 09:56

I think Mavis has a good idea. Other than that I think you have to be tough and let him be bored. If he gets bored enough he will think of some thing.
I had set phrases
'As a mother I have a lot iof jobs but chief entertainer is not one if them'
'Only the boring get bored'
'In that case you can peel the potatoes, Hoover the house, do the ironingetc'
'I'm not bored - that is your problem'.

weatherall · 24/07/2014 09:56

What does he want to do?

Have you take him cinema/bowling every day?

lizzzyyliveson · 24/07/2014 09:56

Do you have any boring jobs that he could do? Once he has been given a trowel and told to dig over all the flower beds he will probably find something more interesting that he needs to do first.

wineoclocktimeye · 24/07/2014 09:59

Similar to SaucyJack, if mine are bored, I offer to find them something useful to do, ie tidying bedroom, dusting, cleaning bathroom Smile 9 times out of 10 they suddenly think of something better to do and if not, cleaner house - win win for me!

burgatroyd · 24/07/2014 10:02

People should not fear boredom. Allow him to be bored! It will be the making of him.

Original poster
kitnkaboodle · 24/07/2014 10:03

Unfortunately 'leaving him to get on with it' - which I quite agree would be the best thing to do - results in him interrupting me constantly, or whining around outside my door!! Have I created this??! The issue is that in previous summer hols I haven't had to work as much as this and have been on hand more. I don't think I've spoonfed him in the past tho'

We live in small village without even a shop so he can't go any distance without me. But he does know other kids in the village and there are outdoor spaces to play/hang out in. I've texted other mums saying 'feel free to send your kids to call on DS' so that might work

Maybe it's a case of gritting my teeth and assuming this will get better over the weeks if he is forced to find his own stuff to do. It seems to cause him real anxiety, tho.

And yes, he would love holiday clubs and is going to do four days in mid-August, but more than that would be an unnecessary expense

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 24/07/2014 10:06

I'd give any whining short shrift! At 11, unless he's got additional needs which make organising himself difficult, he should be able to be left to get on.

Give him a list of chores to do, he'll soon find some vital thing he must do.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 24/07/2014 10:08

Yes, tricky if he's anxious.

Could he wash the car, do filing for you, hoover the carpets, etc?

Theas18 · 24/07/2014 10:08

sports camp?

I really don't think it's mean to expect a new secondary age child to entertain himself in 1-2hr chunks through a day.

or the really mean approach- after all he IS old enough to entertain himself assuming no SN etc - right if you can't find things to do I will find them for you:

Firstly Take all your clothes out of the closet and drawers and check they all fit and you are happy to wear them. Fold/hang/put away tidily.

Then you can take the out grown clothes to the charity shop- it's here- have a map and walk or get the number X bus ....

Then sort all your books/school paperwork- again chuck out the duff stuff and put the rest away neatly...

and when all that is done, and I have done my days work we can go out for a meal/take a picnic to the park etc

Next day finish systematic tidying, change bed, put sheets in wash, hang em out, hoover floor etc

Again rewarded by real quality Mum time in the evening- as he will have allowed you to work during the day.

I could keep an 11yr old gainfully employed about the house/garden for ages..... not in an " I'll send you sweeping chimneys" way but in a " these are jobs that need doing and skills you need to learn. If you do them I shall have free time to spend with you in return" way.

He might like doing chores and that's great, but if not I bet you'll find him suddenly distracted by the lego box he forgot was under the bed, or similar!

AnotherGirlsParadise · 24/07/2014 10:12

I agree with letting him be bored - he'll find something to do eventually, if you don't find him something REALLY boring like weeding first. My other half's 14 year old son is the neediest nightmare imaginable - he has never, ever been able to entertain himself, he's up your arse all the time moaning that he's bored. Sorry, but as DelphiniumsBlue so beautifully put it, I have a lot of jobs but being chief entertainer is not one of them! Especially at that age, jeez.

MrsWinnibago · 24/07/2014 10:13

amy of course there is childcare for 11 year olds. What do you imagine people who work in places other than home do?

I know a number of 10, 11 and 12 year olds who go to childminders and more who go to football clubs etc.

It might be expensive but it's not on to leave them to their own devices and then wonder why you can't get on with your work.

Does he have any friends you could send him to OP? Relatives? I'm short of cash too so I arrange mine to go to friends and then I reciprocate.

BellaVita · 24/07/2014 10:15

He should not be constantly interrupting you or whining outside the door, he is 11 fgs not a toddler. You also shouldn't be txting other mums and trying to organise his social life. I take it he will be going to secondary school in Sept?

cestlavielife · 24/07/2014 10:16

check local sports centres for cheap holiday schemes

outtolunchagain · 24/07/2014 10:17

I hate this , I have a 12 year old who would spend all day on the computer and it drives me mad .I am inclined to tell them ( he has two older brothers) that I am not their personal entertainment system and that part of growing up is learning to amuse themselves .ds3 though would if I am honest rather be at school in some ways , he needs the mental stimulation ( sounds like yours is the same with music practice etc) .

A whole day perhaps sounds overwhelming , perhaps you could break the day into chunks and help him to draw up a timetable so that he knows what is coming next,eg first session on computer , then break with you for coffee , then next session playing out (could you walk him down to his friends to help with the shyness thing ) then lunch with you or brother , then afternoon session film followed by a tea break and then music practice .

.I think if they like the routine of school then too much free time is daunting so breaking it up can help.

Floggingmolly · 24/07/2014 10:20

Op does not need childcare for an 11 year old who can't entertain himself! He's not being left alone, just not being spoonfed activities, and he shouldn't need to be anyway. Get him out on his bike.

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