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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for help with an 11 year old who can't entertain himself ...

65 replies

kitnkaboodle · 24/07/2014 09:38

It's the first day of his holidays today and he has to be the only kid in the world who is in tears over it Shock He is overwhelmed by the idea of all those weeks leisure time.
He is the first to admit that he can never think of ideas to entertain himself. This issue is that I work at home and there will be some days/mornings where I simply have to shut myself away and work and can't be on hand to entertain him/think of ideas. This morning he has fiddled around for an hour or so on computer/tablet and then had a meltdown because he is bored. (he's no stranger to computer games, but doesn't enjoy playing them for hours on end)
He has an older brother who is quite happy at home in the holidays (breaks up today) and has no trouble amusing himself. They are a bit at each other's throats at the moment, so unlikely to want to do anything together.
All these suggestions were rejected by him this morning:

  • call on a friend/his cousin up the road (no - too shy to be the one to go and call round. I've texted their mums to say please feel free to call on us)
  • read (no - he's downloaded a book and 'it's boring')
  • do computer animation on my laptop
  • music practice (which he actually enjoys usually - I know it sounds deathly ...)
  • draw/write/make a cartoon strip/write some music/make something with lego robotics
  • skype friends in the next village to see if they want to play on the green there - I will happily take him and drop him there for an hour
  • download a film which I will pay for
... all rejected

I will be taking time off to go on days out and short trips away, and my partner will be looking after him on some days, but we have no long holidays planned (who can afford it??)

Is there a good website somewhere with holiday activity ideas that don't require parental involvement?

Help!!

OP posts:
Luvvies · 24/07/2014 10:21

Has he tried geocaching?

MrsWinnibago · 24/07/2014 10:28

Bella 11 year olds vary though....not all of them are organising social lives for themselves. Some for instance don't live locally to school and can't just walk down the street to call on friends...others are more immature and not really capable or do not have phones.

Trollsworth · 24/07/2014 10:29

Chores or sod off.

They ALWAYS sod off.

YouTheCat · 24/07/2014 10:31

But, Mrs Winnibago, 11 is old enough to be able to entertain yourself in your own home with all the toys and tech that will be there.

Learning to be bored and fill your days with things is a very important life skill. What will he be doing when he's 16? Still expecting his mum to draw up a list of activities and entertain him?

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 24/07/2014 10:31

What does his older brother do to amuse himself? In this weather they should be off 'playing out' with strict instructions to only come back at meal times or if someone is bleeding etc.

If you live in a family area there will be loads of DCs out playing - it's not like there's going to be no one around if there is a problem.

Do they have bikes, footballs, skooters, cricket sets etc?

amyhamster · 24/07/2014 10:34

amy of course there is childcare for 11 year olds. What do you imagine people who work in places other than home do?

Er mrs winnibago 11 year olds stay home alone while parents work round here!

CoffeeTea103 · 24/07/2014 10:34

Well op this was probably because he was never left to entertain himself before. It amazes me that there's so many threads where people list all the activities everyday for their kids and ask if it's enough. No wonder.
At 11, he doesn't need childcare or to be constantly have every minute planned out. Where's the independence or imagination for him.
Tell him it's outside, or do some work.

HolgerDanske · 24/07/2014 10:35

I'm afraid you have to let him work through this. Especially if he's an anxious sort. A parent's job (amongst many other things, of course) is to teach self-reliance and resilience. You know he is ok, you are right there so if he actually needs help with something important you can help, you just can't be at his beck and call every minute and that's ok. If you pander to it you will unfortunately be teaching him that he is right to be anxious.

outtolunchagain · 24/07/2014 10:37

I find these self organising children on mumsnet a revelation.We live rurally , no public transport etc, and I am on my third 12 year old and non of them would have been able to cope with being sent off only to come back if bleeding or mealtimes .Just doesn't happen around here and also parents still do have some imput into social lives , the kids largely do not have smartphones or facebook accounts ( some do) .

They seem to get more independent socially by 13/ 14 here .Even our local catchment school has a catchment with a radius of more than 20 miles and there are probably no more than 15 children raiding between newborn and 16 in our village .

BellaVita · 24/07/2014 10:38

He needs to start organising himself then.

His mum needs to be firm with him that when her door is shut it means she is at work.

If DS2 ever rang me at work to say he was bored I would be livid.

We live in a village, not a lot to do here either, but DS2 gets out on his bike.

Picklepest · 24/07/2014 10:43

Don't see an issue tbh. He can be bored. Being bored forces him to do something. Were you not bored as a kid? Why do you think he has to be entertained every minute? That sounds like guilt or exasperation which I do understand but to me this isn't a situation that actually requires an answer.

It is what it is.

Original poster
kitnkaboodle · 24/07/2014 10:45

OK, I think by describing him as 'whining outside my door' I painted him as a bit worse than he is!!

Maybe it's just the transition from school to hols that he's finding hard, but he's always been a bit like this. He isn't good at having friends round as he can't think of things to do with them once they're here!

He's settled down more now this morning.

btw, I can't agree with those posters who think that it's unreasonable/unfair to leave an 11 year old to their own devices for odd days in the holidays while you work. It's not going to be most days.

OP posts:
ReigningQueen · 24/07/2014 10:46

Can he not play outside with his brother?
Can you take him to the library to get out books that aren't boring? If he likes drawing or making things, get some books for that.

Today and tomorrow may be difficult for him while he adjusts but as long as he has resources, he should be able to manage himself eventually.
If he's a child who really needs structure, can you do a timetable for him for the first few days?
You could do morning 1 hr of art/craft, 1 hr on computer, 1 hr in the garden etc.

MrsWinnibago · 24/07/2014 10:46

Outtolunch here too. We live in a small city and for the most part it's just not safe for children to go out wandering....as you say, many don't have phones or FB accounts (nor should they!) and their parents still arrange to drop them off at friends' homes....we all live miles apart at the school my DC attend.

Once secondary starts it's easier as there's only one really and they go home together after school then...by their own arrangements and then they're old enough to catch buses too at weekends.

HolgerDanske · 24/07/2014 10:47

Helping them to be independent doesn't have to mean throwing them out the door at half eight and forbidding them to come home before tea time, though, does it.

In this case it means, go and pull out the lego. Get on your bike and go for a quick circuit round the place and see what happens. Find a game to play with your brother or some jobs that need doing in the house.

Tbh the whining outside the door is a bit of a concern for me. That should not be happening when he has been told that his mum needs to work.

amyhamster · 24/07/2014 10:50

I don't understand why people are equating going out & independence with having Facebook & smartphones?
My ds rings his friend on the landline & arranges to meet
Or goes out on his own
I was out on my own at this age with no Facebook or smartphone !

HolgerDanske · 24/07/2014 10:53

Does he like cooking? Maybe he could look through some recipe books and choose a couple of meals he wants to make, check for ingredients and make a shopping list with a view to cooking once or twice a week over the summer.

Does he like reading? If he does could you organise a trip to the library for a great big box of books? Don't they usually do a summer reading challenge or something? He might find that fun and interesting.

HolgerDanske · 24/07/2014 10:57

Also I think there is a difference between reading an e book and reading an actual book. Might be that he needs to be actually doing something (ie turning pages, holding the book) to fee properly engaged. It's a good thing that he isn't glued to the screen.

Hmmmm. What sorts of things does he normally like to do?

Joysmum · 24/07/2014 11:01

It might be expensive but it's not on to leave them to their own devices and then wonder why you can't get on with your work

Utterly ridiculous!

At senior school age they should be more than capable of keeping out the way for a few hours.

It's something he'll need to learn for himself though. Great idea in having a list of ideas written out for him to choose from.

Also, don't just test other parents welcoming visitors, text them begging for them! At least until he works out that he can go out and play in the village and knock for others. I don't think you'll be alone in wishing your DS went out more.

Crinkle77 · 24/07/2014 11:06

Delphinium are you my mum?

OvertiredandConfused · 24/07/2014 11:09

I left my DC (11 and 13) asleep in bed this morning. My parents went round a couple of hours later to rouse make sure they were dressed and breakfasted and to ferry them to their chosen - and self-organised - activities for the day. They'll drop them home later about two hours before I get back to feed them and spend the evening with them.

About five days of the six weeks will be like this. And it's amazing how quickly they got their act together when the alternative was helping granny tidy their bedrooms!

I do love Theas18's list as well - will definitely be using it.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 24/07/2014 11:17

Outtolunch The OP said her DS had an older brother and friends/cousins on the same street, so not the same as what you describe.

If I look out of my front window at home now, there will probably be at least 10 DCs aged 6 upwards playing out with scooters, bikes or footballs, or climbing trees and making dens etc.

Which is what should be happening in the school holidays when the weather is nice. Some of them will be out until 8/9 pm - they have been all week.

Some of them will be from 2/3 streets away at least.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 24/07/2014 11:18

Show him Pinterest, there's lots of ideas.

How about making something he could sell for charity, like painted plant pots, or how about growing something. Eith small plants from seeds or fruiting plants...he could make his own plant pots from junk.

HolgerDanske · 24/07/2014 11:19

Oh yes planting. What a good idea!

Caramelkate · 24/07/2014 11:26

Ignoring previous debate and trying to make some suggestions

  • give him a matchbox and get him to fill it with as many different tiny things as he can - it could be a competition with his brother?

Get him to break a world record - cup stacking, sugar cube tower etc- he could research it on the internet

Give him some oranges and a YouTube video so he can teach himself how to juggle

Get him to teach himself to moonwalk

Find some snails and have a snail race