to feel awkward about raising this with DS and spouse?

[evilartsgraduate]

Short version: DS has civil partner who was AMAB but is genderfluid and presents as m or f variously (pronoun "they"). DS presents as very within the norm. They have both been invited (after I asked, and was given the go ahead, to include spouse on the invite as they originally weren't, not I think necessarily on purpose) to my aunt's 70th. Then she calls asking if spouse is very "out there" (her words) - to which I answered honestly - and then asking me to make sure that they dress male at the party so as not to make other guests feel uncomfortable.
Aside from the fact I don't want DS and spouse to feel we are trying to tell two fully grown adults what to do, AIBU to feel that maybe my aunt should have asked them about this herself?
In the end it is entirely possible they may not be able to come as it's BH weekend and they may already have plans, however... I don't want to have to have this conversation, if I am perfectly honest, as I'm sure DS and spouse get enough of this kind of thing as it is. OTOH I do kind of see her point, as it will be a party full of oaps and religious people due to their church connections and would hope that DS and spouse would want to be tactful. On the third hand DS does often get on his high horse about similar issues - indeed a lot of issues, lol, takes after his father. And there is no way that, if it came up (and it would) he would be anything other than "this is my spouse, deal with it" (slightly more politely but not much).

i suppose it depends on your relationship with your son and how well he knows aunt.

most 70 year olds i know (dmum is 74) would not have an issue.

could you just put the problem to ds. aunt is having party, she is worried about dspouse and what they might wear. what does he think? you dont want dspouse to be offended. the party is x weekend, do you think you and dspouse would want to come? etc etc

would imagine they have far better things to do with a bank holiday weekend!

Bluebell it isn't a fetish. It isn't sexual. If a male wants to wear clothes that are traditionally worn by women how does that impact or affect anyone else?
Do you think women should have never started wearing trousers just because it might offend? We can't just pander to people with prejudice.

Agog at bluebell

Which I assume was the point....

Bluebell, that is grossly offensive, cruel and deeply ignorant, and a personal insult to me and my family. You probably aren't the least ashamed of yourself, but you should be.

Reported.

Oh ffs, how ridiculous.

Oh, really? How about NO. Shall I start insulting you and your kids and their SO(s) and see how "ridiculous" it is then?

Manners, please learn some. If you have nothing constructive to add to this thread, don't participate. Simple, really.

OP - If your DS is prone to get het up about such things (which is perfectly understandable if he is defending his DP), then it might be best to try to talk to your DS's DP at the same time, could you try saying that DS's Great Aunt is getting in a bit of a flap about her party and worried about how to introduce DS's DP, and you said you'd find out if they were intending to present as male or female on the day, and that either is of course fine, but Great Aunt is new to all this, needs time to have to all set in her mind what she's going to say as hostess to her other guests. Lots of "you know she's very supportive but is so worried about getting something wrong, she wants to be prepared." then if DS's DP says they intended to dress as a woman, then you can have time to prep Great Aunt.

i would imagine for your Aunt, it's the fluidity that makes it harder to accept. If they were always dressed/acting as a woman, that would be easier to deal with. Inconsistancies are harder to deal with for older people who like routine and knowing what they are going to be faced with.

I can see why aunt asked you to pass the message on.

I think you pass it on but strictly as the messenger. You don't have to own it, defend it or debate it. Pass on the aunt's request and leave it with them. The fact that she has made the request is valid info for them to use in deciding whether to go or not. I don't think keeping it from them is doing them much of a favour.

mylovelylovelyhorse (lovely tag!) - I often joke about the fact that when the students were manning the barricades in 1968, DH was wearing tweed and playing bridge...

What in earth is gender fluid ?

Not fixed as to gender identity. Pretty much as it sounds?

erin99 - I think you have the best answer in my circs. Thank you for that.

Not really wanting this thread to degenerate into a not too happy display of some people's narrow mindedness, but hey.

Gonna make the call. Will feed back.

Why can't your ds's partner dress how he likes? Surely how you behave is more important than what you look like? If she has a problem she should explain it, not you. I wish my mum was as supportive as you.
Bluebell reported you, ignorant baiting.

Given the recent AIBU thread by RowanMumsnet, I have reported Bluebell's post.