to feel awkward about raising this with DS and spouse?

[evilartsgraduate]

Short version: DS has civil partner who was AMAB but is genderfluid and presents as m or f variously (pronoun "they"). DS presents as very within the norm. They have both been invited (after I asked, and was given the go ahead, to include spouse on the invite as they originally weren't, not I think necessarily on purpose) to my aunt's 70th. Then she calls asking if spouse is very "out there" (her words) - to which I answered honestly - and then asking me to make sure that they dress male at the party so as not to make other guests feel uncomfortable.
Aside from the fact I don't want DS and spouse to feel we are trying to tell two fully grown adults what to do, AIBU to feel that maybe my aunt should have asked them about this herself?
In the end it is entirely possible they may not be able to come as it's BH weekend and they may already have plans, however... I don't want to have to have this conversation, if I am perfectly honest, as I'm sure DS and spouse get enough of this kind of thing as it is. OTOH I do kind of see her point, as it will be a party full of oaps and religious people due to their church connections and would hope that DS and spouse would want to be tactful. On the third hand DS does often get on his high horse about similar issues - indeed a lot of issues, lol, takes after his father. And there is no way that, if it came up (and it would) he would be anything other than "this is my spouse, deal with it" (slightly more politely but not much).

Perhaps were I live is unusual, but generally you take into account were you are going, what the event is and who will be there, when deciding what to wear.

You tone things down etc if there are elderly/religious or in the case of "tits out, short skirt" if it is a family/children event.

You don't always have to make a stand and go for the shock factor.

Modern life is so complicated. FWIW OP you sound very unruffled. I hate being stuck in generation sandwich situations.

I didnt think it was innapropriate clothing that was the concern but rather that DS's partner would dress in 'female' clothing.

""It must be so nice to be able to pick the days that you're a woman! ""

It's interesting that he's buying into the social conditions of what constitutes being female, a dress.

But that's a discussion for the Feminist board.

You don't always have to make a stand and go for the shock factor.

Who said they woul be making a stand and going for shock factor? It's perfectly possibly to dress as a female in a completely un-noteworthy, dull, unshocking way. I do it every day.

Fideline, never a truer word. Other son has Autism/Aspergers, I've had to roll with the punches as far as potentially embarrassing/difficult-to-explain-to-strangers situations go... In an ideal world it wouldn't be an issue but as we all know, this world is not ideal.

It's interesting that he's buying into the social conditions of what constitutes being female, a dress.

Where did you see them say they would wear a dress? You are assuming they will. At no point does it say they have chosen to wear a dress.

DiaDuit - exactly so. When they have dressed female [and yes, in a social way, but that is often how we express gender, as it has a social component] in my company, their style has been fairly unremarkable.

Is she telling other party guests what the cannot wear? I'm sure she isn't. Yabu. Leave it up to them to decide what they wear. I'm sure they will dress in a suitable manner for the occasion and whether that is typically women's or typically mens clothes is not relevant, just that it is appropriate.
I think you need to stand up for your son when your family are being bigoted.

And thank you for not saying "he" all the time. It is "they", at their request.

Dia, that's the issue the OP is uncomfortable about bringing up.

I chat to my DD's about what they will be wearing, that shouldn't be a problem, neither is blending in occasionally, for the sake of an elderly relatives party.

I think some, less aware, people imagine a drag queen with wig and 12 inch heels when they think of a man wearing 'female' clothing.

I think most of us read "presents as female" as "dresses in attire marketed at women, possibly with the addition of makeup, and possibly with the addition of shoes and accessories that are marketed at women." But maybe by "presents as female" OP meant that her DS's OH dresses like me: ratty old jeans, a charity shop t shirt and charity shop flip flops, no make up, no jewellery. OTOH maybe the fact that I dress like that means that I DON'T "present as female."

I think you need to stand up for your son when your family are being bigoted

box I know a fair few people of a 70+ vintage who are more baffled/bemused/unnerved/anxious not to drop a clanger/unsure of the form when confronted with such 'brave new world' scenarios, rather than bigoted.

It is intolerant of you to jump to that conclusion, I think.

Surely good form dicates that the birthday 'girl's' comfort should be of primary concern?

Blending in by wearing occasion appropriate attire (shirt and tie at work lunch with clients or full uniform for school presentation day) No problem with that. But telling someone to wear a particular gender of clothing to accomodate other people's unreasonable sensitivites? No, not ok.

With children yes but these are adults, surely they are aware of how to dress for a 70th birthday? I know inwould find it very odd to have a parent advise me not to overdress for any occasion, they and I both trust my own ability to tailor my outfit to the occasion. I dont think anyone needs to be said at all.

anything

and then asking me to make sure that they dress male at the party so as not to make other guests feel uncomfortable.
Aside from the fact I don't want DS and spouse to feel we are trying to tell two fully grown adults what to do, AIBU to feel that maybe my aunt should have asked them about this herself?

Actually Dia I think for a septagenarian to specify a gender of clothing so as not to make the other guests uncomfortable as she has put it, is ok, on reflection. The gender-fluid spouse would demonstrate good grace by making allowance for the age group concerned and going along with it.

But of course she (the aunt) hasn't specified it directly. She has tried to drag the OP into the contentious chain of communication.

Fideline yes there are many people that aren't bigoted I know many too. I didn't say all older people are at all.
However the aunt in the op is. It is bigoted to want to dictate how other people gender present. It literally makes no impact on her whatsoever yet she is willing to tell others what to do over it. I don't think just because it's your party you get to be intolerant and controlling. Why would you want to be? How is it intolerant of me to think we should all have freedom in how we gender present?

I disagree fideline. It's not their ages that she asking to be considered. There are septegenarians who happily wear clothes of the opposite gender. It's their attitudes se is asking be considered.

If that's normal for you Maryz then no problem, i would find it odd and if OP doesnt normally advise her son on how to dress then he will see straight through any 'guidance' and know exactly what she was really saying.