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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about challenging guests on their personal hygiene before I let them hold our precious second born?

59 replies

mameulah · 17/07/2014 14:41

To cut a long (long!!!) story short...

When my practically estranged IL's turned up to meet our pfb she poked him all over the face in that 'coodgie coo' kind of way and then announced she wouldn't hold him because she had a cold sore. As you can imagine I was less than chuffed.

How best do I make sure that doesn't happen again without sounding and looking like a total cow? My DH's family is exceptionally dysfunctional selfish and whilst I don't like my IL's at all I don't want to further contribute to what is already a very odd and uncomfortable family set up.

Any ideas please...???

OP posts:
PhaedraIsMyName · 18/07/2014 01:02

I can see the point about cold sores but do you really ask people about washing their hands before holding your baby? Never occurred to me, nor to have bottles of hand sanitizer to hand.

Boudica1990 · 18/07/2014 01:20

Im not letting anyone kiss my pfb and most probably only child Blush I also won't let them hold him if I think they are "dirty", I'm just going to hold him and glare at people. I'm crazy I know this, but I don't care. He's my baby, the good thing is DP is also as neurotic as me about people possibly touching baby so we can be crazy together Blush

lalah7 · 18/07/2014 01:28

I was a crazy mummy tiger for the first few days months with pfb dd1(and dd2..lol!).
I told my 4 year old niece to wash her hand before she touched dd1, hours old, "because you've got germs!". To be fair she did have a cold, but on hindsight I could have worded it a bit better Blush

Original poster
mameulah · 18/07/2014 07:14

Yes, I obviously don't like my IL's, but it is a stressful enough situation without me adding to it. BUT, I don't want my newborn exposed to any unnecessary virus. I don't at all think that is unreasonable. What I am asking is how best to ask so that I don't come across as being unreasonable. I don't want to make the situation worse for my DH.

OP posts:
ithoughtofitfirst · 18/07/2014 07:32

I laughed so loud at this I think I woke ds up.

Derrrty, derrrty woman.

Just before you hand over the baby be like I assume everyone has washed their hands after touching their herpes and genitals? This is your last chance to own up.

headlesslambrini · 18/07/2014 07:46

I do think you are being OTT. Babies will be exposed to all sort of things and shock horror but some of them will be from you and your DH. What if you get a cold sore? Are you going to stop feeding the baby until its gone?

Admit this for what it is and address that problem. You dont like your inlaws. Why do you think that they are dysfunctional? Maybe they just have a different way of doing things / different values but it doesnt necessarily make them bad people.

ThatBloodyWoman · 18/07/2014 07:53

Can't your DH say something?

Idontseeanyicegiants · 18/07/2014 07:54

A pointed look as you hand over the hand gel should be enough unless they are so firmly wedged up their own backsides they won't be able to see it!. Practice that hard stare!!
However,
I read threads like this and then remember my first pics with DS. All I can focus on is the cold sore on the side of MY mouth that could be seen from space. I was careful enough certainly, have had cold sores on and off since childhood but I'm afraid that I didn't take all of the precautions recommended on threads like this one, and certainly didn't stop touching my own baby because of it.

ThatBloodyWoman · 18/07/2014 07:58

Can't your DH say something?

ditavonteesed · 18/07/2014 08:01

anyone with a coldsore does not come near your precious baby, I would check by phone. I work in maternity and we are not allowed to work with an active coldsore.

hairylittlegoblin · 18/07/2014 08:07

This is about more than cold sores isn't it? You feel thatyour In laws are horrible people who pose a threat to your children and don't want them in your home with your DCs. Chuck hormones into that mix and it gets really stressful.

I would get some hand gel and insist that they use it before holding the baby. You can claim it was recommended by a medical professional of your choice. Or that 'germs grow so quickly in the hot weather' (unless either of them is a microbiologist). Aa others have said you can blame the baby hormones.

A friend pf mine once threatened to punch someone in the face who was handling her baby in a way she wasn't happy with. The protective mother bear thing can cause a hint of crazy.

Original poster
mameulah · 18/07/2014 08:11

I am not asking for a debate about whether newborns should be exposed to cold sores or not. I absolutely don't think you should go out of your way to expose a newborn to any kind of unnecessary virus. As a post natal Mummy and newborn baby you both have enough going on without adding more to the pot.

I couldn't possibly go into the dysfunctional behaviour of my IL's. Really it is not my place to say. But it wouldn't take up another thread. It would take up a whole webpage and I KNOW that none of you would disagree with me. They are odd.

My DH could, has and does say something. I would rather he didn't though. His relationship with them is strained enough. I think it is better for him if I am the big bad wolf.

And as for other guests, I didn't ask anyone else to wash their hands, or shower them down or disinfect them. But equally those people are friends or family that I have a happy and mutual relationship with. I have no choice in who my IL's are and I guess what I am asking is how to handle a sensitive situation when I duty bound to let people I don't like and wouldn't, under any other set of circumstances, have anything to do with hold my baby. Either baby. But in particular the newborn one.

OP posts:
ithoughtofitfirst · 18/07/2014 08:15

My brother's boyfriend dropped my pfb.

I just called him a twat and then cuddles with him were banned.

ithoughtofitfirst · 18/07/2014 08:20

I feel for you op my ILs are a nightmare and Icm not even speaking to them. When this baby comes I don't know how it's going to work. Currently 28 weeks and already shitting myself about the thought of seeing them.

Littlef00t · 18/07/2014 08:45

I'd just have a bottle of alcohol hand wash and politely say 'sorry I'm being a bit precious but if you'd like to hold the baby I'd appreciate it if you'd wash your hands first'.

My dd got a cold at 10 days old, she didn't know how to cough or sneeze and just cried. I blame myself for not being more precious and allowing her to be cuddled by all and sundry.

littlemonkey2013 · 18/07/2014 08:46

Cold sore aside, we have a big pump action bottle of anti-bac hand gel on the coffee table and a small one in the change bag. Everyone got a squirt if they wanted to touch PFB. We even took it with us when we went to stay with the IL's at 2months and still made them use it. It was so much easier than sending them off to wash their hands.

Idontseeanyicegiants · 18/07/2014 10:08

If they're that bad and you would prefer to get it in the neck rather than DH then I think you're just going to have to be straight with them and hand over the anti bac gel before the baby.
Could it actually make things any worse if you do that?

PhaedraIsMyName · 18/07/2014 15:40

I'm curious those of you who make everyone wash their hands before they can touch your baby do you wash your own hands every time before you pick your baby up.

I have never come across anyone keeping bottles of hand sanitizer handy for this purpose.

notfromstepford · 18/07/2014 16:11

Mine was a preemie and a teeny tiny little thing, so it was perfectly reasonable of me to make sure people washed their hands and if they had any sort of illness, they were not allowed in for the first 3 months or so.
I still occasionally tell my MIL to wash her hands even now (because she has a habit of handling raw chicken / pork or cleaning up dog poo and then not washing her hands.)

waterducksback · 18/07/2014 16:30

Yep, treat your IL's like dirt and don't let them hold your newborn baby.

Then, in a couple of years time, when you have to work full time, be completely two-faced and expect them to put their lives on hold whilST they act like fulltime unpaid babysitters to your child.

(I am so not looking forward to being a grandparent, especially a MIL grandparent)

And, Yes, I think YabU.

Tadla · 18/07/2014 16:45

oh for goodness sake. she's being a bit over the top but cold sores are gross and people should have the manners to be aware that whilst common, they are unpleasant.

FriendlyAmoeba · 18/07/2014 16:58

I just tell people before they get within arms reach to go wash their hands and I'll let them hold baby. :) It works, and no one's offended about the stipulation.

Of course now that she's older I'm less worried. She's putting more crap in her mouth that she's getting from touch the floor then sucking on her hands than most people have on their hands.

Honestly though, you're not going to get the herpes virus unless they're kissing your baby while they have an open sore.

FriendlyAmoeba · 18/07/2014 17:01

Oh, also. All that hand washing we kept enforcing with DD...

Yeah.

Her first virus/hospital visit was something DH brought home from work.

It's a futile effort to try and keep them away from germs. It won't happen.

bubalou · 18/07/2014 17:21

I had a massive bottle of anti bacterial hand gel in my living room when DS was born and I made everybody use it before they held DS.

They all understood and nobody even questioned it.

Smile
TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/07/2014 17:31

Are some posters on here not aware that babies can die from the cold sore virus? Please educate yourselves.