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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

alcoholic sister

63 replies

farewellfigure · 17/07/2014 11:38

Hi. In an hour I'm going to ring my sister to talk about her alcoholism. She'll be sober. She's had numerous rows with her DH about it, one massive row with our DM six months ago, and a falling out with her DD about 3 years ago. Their relationship has never really recovered and her DD rarely sees her. Now it's my turn and I'm absolutely dreading it. We spoke on the phone yesterday at around 4pm and she was absolutely bladdered. Her DH rang me shortly after in tears, as yet again he was facing going home to a pissed wife.

Please tell me I'm doing the right thing. I've researched what to say (ie focus on how it makes us feel rather than 'you should be doing this') but I'm still panicking. I just can't let her carry on destroying every relationship she has as she drinks herself into her grave. AIBU to do this? Should I just let it go?

OP posts:
AbbieHoffmansAfro · 17/07/2014 11:40

Do it if you feel you must, but please don't expect it to work. Sorry to say, if her husband and daughter could not persuade her to stop then your sister has clearly blotted out all consequences because she wants to continue drinking.

Wishfulmakeupping · 17/07/2014 11:46

I think you are doing the right thing. Is there anyway you might be able to get to go along with you to see her GP?
Hope it goes ok

Original poster
farewellfigure · 17/07/2014 11:48

Thanks Abbie. I don't think I'm going to try and persuade her to stop. From what I've read that's totally pointless. I think I'm just going to honestly tell her how her drinking is scaring us all half to death, and how it's affecting her relationships with the rest of the family. Just the bald facts. It'll always have to be up to her to stop. The thing is, I've always dodged the bullet, then every few months her DH rings me in tears as things just aren't any better and I don't think I can carry on knowing what I know and doing nothing. I might ask her to put herself in my shoes. I could ask how she would feel if she knew I was drinking too much, that my DH was at breaking point, and that it was affecting my relationship with my DS. It might make her realise that actually the whole family want to help her, but she has to be the one that takes the first step.

I'm also really trying to remember that this is an illness, not a choice. She doesn't choose to open the can of beer as soon as she walks through the door. She can't help it.

I am watching the clock ticking. She'll be home in 45 minutes. So hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
farewellfigure · 17/07/2014 11:50

Thanks wishful. She lives about and hour and a half away and neither of us drive, but I would willingly go with her and could get the train down there for the day. I'm going to offer to do anything she asks to help her. I think I just needed to come on here for a bit of a hand to hold (sorry, not very mumsnet!). I'm really shaking. She's 10 years older than me and I have always been the 'little sister'. This is the first time there will have been role reversal in 42 years.

OP posts:
Superworm · 17/07/2014 11:51

Do it for your sake, it won't change anything but is part if the process IMO.

Your right, it probably won't go down too well. It's in her interest to shut you up so she can carry on drinking.

I've had numerous conversations with my mum about her drinking all of which were hard but it's out there now, in the open. We all know, we all hate it, we all have different ways of coping with it.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Alcoholism is shit.

Original poster
farewellfigure · 17/07/2014 11:53

Superworm I think that's it. I need to get it out in the open. Her drinking is like the biggest elephant in the room. We all tiptoe around and pretend not to notice when she's always the drunkest at family gatherings, embarrasses herself, etc. Her DD is hoping to get married this year and is absolutely dreading it. That's the sort of consequence I think we need to get out in the open.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 17/07/2014 11:59

Its tricky. You will make her feel worse. She is likely to drink plenty to drown it out.

If I was in this situation I'd be more likely to say, look, we both know you are struggling with this illness, and you are not the only one in the world and you won't be the last. I understand that once you are in this cycle its very hard to break out of it, but if you feel at some point that you do wish to try, you have my full support (whether that is financial, chipping in to send her to private rehab, or go with her to the doctor to get the process going for a non-residential detox which can be prescribed by a doctor, etc etc).

The whole "you are making us feel this that or the other" type approach may be true, and might make her feel bad enough to stop, but probably not initially - she's likely to drown it out.

I'd personally be going down the practical route - you have an illness (never mind that she chose to drink in the first place and let it get this far, that's not terribly relevant at this point) - there is a treatment, there are different approaches, if you want to explore them I am with you all the way. That kind of thing.

TattyDevine · 17/07/2014 11:59

The best thing you could do is to make her feel empowered or like she can have power back, rather than taking a gamble that you might be able to shame her into stopping, it generally doesn't work.

Groovee · 17/07/2014 11:59

Expect her not to take it well. Unless she is ready to help herself she will deny deny deny.

Good luck and well done for trying. It's bloody hard watching someone refuse to admit they have a problem with Alcohol.

Original poster
farewellfigure · 17/07/2014 12:01

Tatty that's great, thanks. I will leave your post open when I ring her so I can quote the bit about having my full support to beat the illness.

Half an hour to go.

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 17/07/2014 12:10

it's sad but she won't listen to you and will likely turn to drink to drown out what you have said after the conversation. I wouldn't allow it to be the elephant in the room but I don't think any discussion will help the problem either. she needs to want to change for herself. I have family members who have themselves convinced it is everyone else who is wrong and trying to control them by telling them not to drink at half eight in the morning. when an argument erupts they start drinking even earlier then cry about how it will never happen again but it does.

another thinks it is ok to bully everyone into giving him money for drink and acts like someone has done him grievous harm by saying no. they think it is perfectly normal to have to drink every day and the depression that follows if they haven't had a drink isn't linked to their dependency.

it is impossible to reason with someone who has an addiction

Original poster
farewellfigure · 17/07/2014 12:16

I think I just need to let her know that I know what's going on, and that it's not OK. As a family we just hush it up and hope it goes away, and that's not going to help the situation. We're all enabling her by keeping quiet. I'm just waiting for the phone call to say her DH has left, or that she's hospitalised herself through injury. Twice that I know of she's hurt herself really badly through falling or trying to cook when she's pissed. If it gets to that stage and I've said nothing, after knowing everything I know, I will just feel like the worst sister in the world.

15 minutes.

OP posts:
Original poster
farewellfigure · 17/07/2014 12:31

Plucked up courage and she's not home yet. My nerves are shot.

OP posts:
Wishfulmakeupping · 17/07/2014 12:33

Fwiw I think you're being incredible brave and I hope in years to come your sis with thank you and her dh and dd. good luck op

Superworm · 17/07/2014 12:42

Alcoholism is like a big dirty secret. Everyone knows but people ignore it, talk about it behind their back but no one wants to confront it. It's good to get it out in the open.

My mum has also fallen when pissed, so many times now. She's pretty ill these days with liver problems and I couldn't live with myself having never said anything. It's great you are supporting your niece it will mean a lot.

Original poster
farewellfigure · 17/07/2014 12:44

Yeah well that didn't go so well. She just refused point blank to discuss it at all. She said she knows she has a problem and that she has to deal with it (true). I just said that I'm here for her, that we're all worried sick and that if she needs anything she can just call. She totally clammed up and refused to even engage with me. She said she knew that she 'lost it' yesterday but she doesn't want anyone getting involved. I guess the first thing she'll do now is open a can.

At least I tried. Going to have a little cry now.

OP posts:
Original poster
farewellfigure · 17/07/2014 12:49

So sorry to hear about your mum superworm. It just sucks.

OP posts:
LastTango · 17/07/2014 12:52

You will not win in this situation, OP. Sorry, but you won't. All the time her DH enables her (and he IS doing so) she will carry on. She would probably carry in if he left.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Hugs, OP.

Lottapianos · 17/07/2014 12:57

'At least I tried'

You did try. It must hurt terribly that she can't hear what you are saying. It's so hard to stand by and watch someone hurt themselves and be unable to get themselves out of it.

I don't think there is any more you can do until she is ready to make a change in her own life. I'm so sorry Sad

Original poster
farewellfigure · 17/07/2014 13:11

Thanks for all the support guys.

I just emailed her to say that if I was suffering from an illness that could be cured, but was refusing treatment, that it was affecting my relationship with DH and DS wouldn't she want to scream and me and help me to get treatment?

I wanted to go further and say that her DH is on the verge of leaving but I think it would make her really angry that I know that. He rings me because he has no-one else to talk to.

Anyway, I said that in this instance, I could be the 'big sis' for a while and that I'm here if she needs me. She's going to be so angry with me.

OP posts:
Superworm · 17/07/2014 13:13

Thanks, I'm sorry about your sister too.

Have a little cry. It's a horrible disease and so hard to watch someone destroying themselves and those around them.

You did a good thing by being open. I hope your bil manages to find the strength to leave. It's no life living with a drinker.

Original poster
farewellfigure · 17/07/2014 13:20

Oh no we don't want him to leave. He is pretty much estranged from his family, and says heartbreaking things like if he left DSis he would be leaving the whole family and would have no-one. Obviously he wouldn't lose us but it would tear the family apart. That's why I had to say something before it gets to that stage. I just hope she does something before he reaches the end.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 17/07/2014 13:21

I'm 99.99% certain that she'll delete your email unread. What a dreadful situation, I feel so sorry for all involved.

Original poster
farewellfigure · 17/07/2014 13:23

Yes I thought that Grunt but I wanted to send it anyway. I hoped curiosity might get the better of her.

OP posts:
BunnyBunnyBunny · 17/07/2014 13:35

OP you are in an impossible situation I'm so sorry to hear of another family being damaged by the horrors of alcoholism.

My little sister has been an alcoholic since I don't even know when, it's been out in the open for a few years now but looking back the signs were there much earlier. It has caused irreparable damage to our family, DH and I used to live with my parents and two sisters with our little DDs but Dsis became so dangerous to be around we had to move for the DDs safety. She nearly burnt the house down cooking whilst drunk, became aggressive and tried pushing me and my 3 month old DD2 down the stairs, left medication at toddler height and smashed glass from bottles all over the carpets. It hurts me so much, especially now that we are 300 miles away and every day I talk to my parents and hear how horrendous their life has become. I love her because she is my sister but I hate her so much for this.

She has tried rehab (got kicked out), various methods of medical, residential, non residential detox, 12 steps, therapy, you name it. Nothing has helped, her longest dry spell was 6 months which was truly amazing, but then off she went again.

Sorry for the depressing life story, I guess I just wanted to let you know you aren't suffering alone. It's a long road to recovery. There are some good support groups out there for the family of those suffering with addiction, if you and your BIL havent already accessed them it is worth looking up what is available near you.

Hugs to you OP, I hope your sister is able to overcome this in time. Thanks