alcoholic sister

[farewellfigure]

Hi. In an hour I'm going to ring my sister to talk about her alcoholism. She'll be sober. She's had numerous rows with her DH about it, one massive row with our DM six months ago, and a falling out with her DD about 3 years ago. Their relationship has never really recovered and her DD rarely sees her. Now it's my turn and I'm absolutely dreading it. We spoke on the phone yesterday at around 4pm and she was absolutely bladdered. Her DH rang me shortly after in tears, as yet again he was facing going home to a pissed wife.

Please tell me I'm doing the right thing. I've researched what to say (ie focus on how it makes us feel rather than 'you should be doing this') but I'm still panicking. I just can't let her carry on destroying every relationship she has as she drinks herself into her grave. AIBU to do this? Should I just let it go?

You sound lovely farewell Sorry to hear it's such a hard situation. As an outsider I can't see how you could have handled it better or with more kindness.

Thanks bunny. That is so sad. I guess the reality is there are an awful lot of people out there who have alcoholics in their family. It's just not talked about is it. I'm very sorry to hear of how your sister's attempts to give up have failed as well, and also how scary and dangerous she made your home life.

Dsis has given up twice on her own, a long time ago before the family even realised she had a problem. She just said she realised she was drinking a bit too much and stopped, once for a year and once for eighteen months. We just thought it was for health reasons but probably should have realised there was more to it. Anyway, hopefully she will be able to do it again, this time for ever.

And thank you sally for your kind words.

I've found an al anon in the next town but I don't drive so it's going to be pretty much impossible to get there which is really sad. I would willingly go and get help and advice.

farewell sorry to hear about your situation, your DSis doesn't seem to be anywhere close to a position where she might tackle her drinking. And at the risk of coming across as a horrible pessimist, it could get much worse before it gets better.

Please don't give up on AlAnon; could you afford a can occasionally? Or do they have a phone or web presence? Or what about the power of MN; are there local networks where you could put out an appeal for a lift? I've seen lovely threads where people have rallied round - there's a lot of goodwill and good people out there.

Good luck.

Thanks Goring. There is a phone number so I did wonder about ringing and asking if they have anyone who goes from my neck of the woods. Would I then tell Dsis that I've been going? I guess that's something I'd find out at the meeting!

I think you treat it as confidential to you; if you want to tell others, it's your decision, but you shouldn't feel you have to. I'm not sure your sister will react terribly well to it, so maybe make that one of your questions for AlAnon.

Whereabouts are you, or is that too much/too personal at this point?

My head is spinning. I looked up some websites about 'what you could say to an alcoholic' before ringing Dsis. In the examples they gave, the 'alcoholic' had the same name as my Dsis.

I've just rung al-anon headquarters and the lady who answered has the same name as Dsis. It's not a terribly common name by the way.

She gave me the number of the local organiser. Her name which is foreign and UNBELIEVABLY unusual (I'd never heard of it before), is the same as a lady my Dsis and I met in the village a few weeks ago at a fete, and Dsis and she bonded and were like best friends. Dsis was inevitably completely hammered. Anyway, if I ring this woman and it is the same person we met a few weeks ago, that is either going to be very bad (ie she might be really embarrassed) or it could be very very good. I could tell Dsis I spoke to the al-anon woman and she was the same lady she was so friendly with. I mean she even invited Dsis over to see her house after meeting her for half an hour. That's how much they bonded.

I'll ring her.

as a recovering alcoholic i'm going to advise you to stop poking this with a stick and learn to detach with love.

nothing could stop me drinking. nothing. not losing my job, daughter, husband and home. nothing.

of course my family knew i was alcoholic. so did all my friends. but if they tried to tell me, i shut them down, fast, and used it as an excuse to drink more.

i've got sober with AA. my marriage was too far gone to recover, but i'm rebuilding things with my daughter and it's going well. it took nearly dying for me to finally accept that i can never drink safely again.

i wish you well, i really do. it's a hideous illness and can hit anyone at any point - we don't know we're alcoholic before we drink, so it's not a matter of just not starting in the first place.

exWife thanks for that post. Can I ask what made you go to AA? I know it has to be the decision of the person themselves, but something must have made you go.

I hope I'm not poking it with a stick. This is the first time I've ever spoken to Dsis about it, and I probably won't again. I hope al-anon can give me some advice, and hopefully 'detaching with love' is something I'll learn. Can you give me more of an idea about what you mean?

the thing you need to remember is the 3 Cs - you didn't Cause it, you can't Control is and you can't Cure it. your sister knows you love her, and i'll bet good money that on some level she wants to stop drinking. at the moment though, she clearly can't.

i went into AA last october after a suicide attempt following my daughter deciding to go and live with her dad because of my drinking. i had been out of control for many years.

i didn't get it straight away - there were some nasty relapses along the way. the last time nearly killed me, again, and something clicked in my head. i'm 3 months sober on Sunday. i freely admit to working the 12 step program of AA and i've faced up to a lot of things i've been carrying for years.

it isn't for everyone, but it has saved my life. i truly hope your sister can get well before things go even more badly wrong for her. sadly, you can't speed this process up. while she's drinking, there is literally nothing you can do for her. she has to do it for herself, and you have to let go and let her.

I come from a family of alcoholics and I have to take issue with the view that "alcoholism is an illness...she can't help herself."

In my view alcoholism is an addiction, not an illness, which means that there is an element of choice in the matter (like smoking for example). Having lived with alcoholics close up I would say that it's typically very selfish behaviour - the alcoholic basically takes their problems and dumps them on everyone else around them.

You are right that there is treatment which your DSis could go through, but the fact is that only a very tiny % of alcoholics actually manage to stay dry for the rest of their lives. Being off the wagon for 12 months like you say your DSis managed, followed by a relapse, is very typical.

If I had my time over again, I would distance myself far sooner from the alcoholics in my life. Trying to help them turned out to be a complete waste of time and emotional energy.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh. I would say don't get too involved. Support your brother-in-law and niece, yes, but your DSis has to decide for herself how she wants to live the rest of her life. (And she might choose alcohol over absolutely everything else.)

to underline what cairocruiser said..

i recall very clearly deciding that since all everybody wanted to do was spoil my drinking, i would have to get away. from my home, husband, daughter - everything. i figured my daughter would be better to get over me going than to spend the rest of her life living with my drinking.

so, the plan was for me to empty my bank account and get on a train to london with a sleeping bag. i figured i could reasonably beg enough for a bottle of vodka a day, i would then sleep anywhere and nobody could interfere with my drinking.

i was a 40 year-old mother. i cannot emphasise enough how totally logical my plan seemed. i would have done literally anything to get a drink. active alcoholics will lie to you without even knowing they've done it. i was selfish, manipulative, abusive and drowning in self-pity.

this is the ugly truth of alcoholism.

cairo I can't walk away from her. I have a 6yr old DS who adores her and she adores him. I adore her for goodness sake. Are the families of alcoholics honestly supposed to just walk away and say 'you're on your own?' I don't live with her so it wouldn't be as dramatic as leaving, but am I supposed to not have anything to do with her until she decides to quit? Actually, I have occasionally said 'I can't have this conversation with you while you're drunk'. Is that enough? Is it enough to say 'I can't have anything to do with you while you're drunk but am happy to be with you if you're sober?'.

exWife your post makes it very clear how my dsis will think I'm interfering. Your story is so sad and I'm very pleased you're 3 months sober. I wish you all the best in the future and that you can rebuild your relationship with your daughter.

thank you. i'm sorry if i came off a little harsh. i hope you can find some peace.

exWife, that is a shocking story. Its incredible that you have come through that and have just passed 3 months sober. I can't imagine how much strength it must have taken. I hope you are extremely proud.

No, not harsh, just honest. I guess we just all need to brace ourselves for some rocky times and hope we come out of the other side intact. She's been bossy big sis for 42 years and it's so hard to think that might change.

My dp is an alcoholic He is in recovery and hasn't had a drink for over 20 years. I walked away when I was 5 months pregnant. I had to. He went to AA for a year but it wasn't for him as a long term thing but the 12 steps made sense to him and he is quite miraculous tbh in how he turned his life around. But nothing anyone ever said convinced him only his own desire for a better life

I don't have much advice but just wanted to say I'm in the same boat.

My big sister is ten years older than me and an alcoholic. She lost her relationship of fifteen years five years ago, and stopped talking to me and our other sister as we refused to cut her ex out of our life (like your sister's dh, he is estranged from his family and we are all he has, he is best friends with dh and bil).

She is now at last a 'functioning' alcoholic, has a job my dh helped her to get and her oldest dd has moved back home with her dh and dd which I think absolves her of personal household responsibility so all she has to do is work and keep some money for rent and bills.
She still asks me for money all the time, most recently and hurtfully 20 quid when dh had just been made redundant. She either didn't remember or thought we should still stump up anyway, but it illustrated to me just how much of a priority I am to her now, in comparison to her next drink.

We are friendly but not close anymore. It is so hard as she was my best friend, but I am no longer hers. She has chosen alcohol instead, and all I can do is distance myself to protect me and mine, but still be there if she needs me. It is hard but all I can find to do.
I hope you find a way to deal with your relationship you can cope with, it is so hard but it is all you can do if they won't stop drinking.

Hi coffee. That is so sad. I too feel that Dsis has chosen alcohol over her relationships but I guess the word choice is a bit of a tricky one as an alcoholic would probably say they don't choose as such.

Dsis is functioning. She starts work at 6am and actually manages to get there and do a good job. She then gets home at midday and that's when she starts drinking. Sometimes she stops in time to sober up a bit before her DH gets home. Other times she doesn't manage it and they have a dreadful evening.

Anyway, thanks for all the advice on here today. It looks as though I'll be getting a lift to al-anon tonight so hopefully that will help.

We have all gone n/c with our alcoholic sister.
It is the only way we can protect our sanity.
This is a 30 year old problem and we are all totally worn out with it.
When I have mentioned to people what we have done if they ask after her, most are angry and cant understand how callous we are but if they have had to cope with all we have I think they could see why we have taken this route.
Still breaks my heart though.

Hi Op, how sad for you. I grew up as the child of alcoholic parents and I have a dd who was an alcoholic, she has now swapped that for drugs. The terribly sad thing is the person who is your sister is being taken over by this illness and it will be so hard to reach her. Laying out the feelings her illness evokes in others can backfire (it did with dd as she felt so wretched and ashamed she drank more). Your sister knows she has a problem, and unfortunately until your sister wants to get help nothing is going to work. As a relative, I am sure you are full of fear about what might happen, that fear will hold you hostage and is the worst part of addiction as you fear the worst and will do anything to try to prevent it from happening. You can't I am afraid - hope for the best and accept that the worst could happen. I really don't want to sound negative as you are obviously distraught. The hardest lesson you learn with an alcoholic in your life is that you cannot fix them, and you have to watch them destroy themselves. I would suggest gently detaching yourself from the situation (to protect yourself) and suggesting your BIL seeks support elsewhere or you will end up being dragged down and made ill by this. PM if you think that would help. Good luck op

exwife your post made me cry a bit, I am glad you are turning things around it was a brave post x

Thanks ohthatsokthen. I do think BIL needs to get help, support and advice. He is enabling her as they'll have a glass of wine together then he's surprised when she finishes the bottle before moving onto the next thing. I'm not blaming him btw. He is as bewildered and lost as the rest of us.

When people mention detaching yourself, do you mean not seeing your loved one again? We have a family party in August at Dsis's house. If we don't go, it won't make any difference as some of the party are coming from abroad to stay nearby for a whole week. Dsis will be the life and soul until she passes out. Should the whole affair be alcohol-free? I just have no idea how to tackle stuff like this.

Very sorry to read about your situation and thank you for the support.

the detachment means you can let go of the idea of trying to help your sister by controlling her or her environment. if the party is alcohol free she will find a way to drink, and there is nothing you can do about it.

it's so hard. alcoholism affects whole families and it's brutal. i grew up in a violently alcoholic household and swore i would never be like my mother. well, we have alcoholism in common. i've been NC with her for 8 years now, and i can't focus on her - i can only help me.

there are no real answers here. your sister is clearly very ill but you cannot do anything to help. i'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

i can recommend the forums at Sober Recovery - there is one for Friends and Family of alcoholics that you may find helpful.

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/

Hi op echo what exwife says, the detachment is accepting she is in control of her destiny and moving on with your life. Be prepared for a roller coaster ride otherwise, she may stop and then restart, many times you will think things are improving then it will all crash again. Also be aware she will use every emotion in her repertoire until she finds one that pushes your buttons - eg sadness, tears, hysteria, begging and anger. An alcoholic will do anything, and I mean anything to ensure they get their next drink, they will not care who they harm to do this. I think (based on my experience) their whole life gets planned around where their next drink is coming from and nothing else factors into it. My dad lost his family, his home, his marriage and ultimately his life. As a child we faced eviction because he drank the rent money, he had 3 little children and was prepared to make us homeless because he drank the rent money, that's how bad it gets. It sounds to me your sister has a way to go yet. Be under no illusions it can get worse, it will get worse and you need to protect yourself asap. Your son needs to be protected from this too x