alcoholic sister

[farewellfigure]

Hi. In an hour I'm going to ring my sister to talk about her alcoholism. She'll be sober. She's had numerous rows with her DH about it, one massive row with our DM six months ago, and a falling out with her DD about 3 years ago. Their relationship has never really recovered and her DD rarely sees her. Now it's my turn and I'm absolutely dreading it. We spoke on the phone yesterday at around 4pm and she was absolutely bladdered. Her DH rang me shortly after in tears, as yet again he was facing going home to a pissed wife.

Please tell me I'm doing the right thing. I've researched what to say (ie focus on how it makes us feel rather than 'you should be doing this') but I'm still panicking. I just can't let her carry on destroying every relationship she has as she drinks herself into her grave. AIBU to do this? Should I just let it go?

On a practical note, I would not announce that I was detaching. I would just start distancing myself from the situation. Keep contact at a distance but don't get dragged into the drama, or into trying to save dsis. I would tell BIL you are not a professional and in no way equipped to deal with this and refer him Al Anon as a starting point. It is possible you may need to go NC at some point. As I said before the fear is the most paralysing thing for the relatives, you feel you have to prevent the worst happening because they can't. I am almost there with dd - its hard when its your child. But please believe alcoholics have a very selfish streak and they will look out for themselves but will use your fear to manipulate you.

BTW all that I have posted - its easier said than done! x

Hi guys. I just wanted to update you that I went to Al-anon last night. What an extraordinary and peaceful place. It was incredible to see all these people, who have suffered way WAY more than we have, in a place where they have acceptance, strength and detachment from their hectic alcoholic relatives. I am now going to do everything I can to persuade my BIL to go to his nearest meeting. I understand now that Al-anon isn't about changing anything or trying to persuade your loved-one to give up drinking. It's about accepting there is NOTHING you can do, but managing to look after yourself and having the grace and power to step away and get on with living your own life. I hope hope hope my BIL can do it. It may just save their marriage.

That's a lovely update farewell. I'm glad to hear your found it helpful and supportive. You make a good point about managing to look after yourself through all of this. Emotional pain in incredibly draining and upsetting. Take care and I hope your BIL will attend with you next time.

I've been quietly following this thread from the start and will continue to.

My brother admitted he was an alcoholic 8 years ago. He has never reached 14 days sober in that entire time. Binges last between 2 weeks several months - he once spent over 14 months without ever being sober.

It's horrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible.

There are many things I identify with in this thread.

active alcoholics will lie to you without even knowing they've done it. i was selfish, manipulative, abusive and drowning in self-pity.

The lying become hardest to deal with. Manipulating with self-pity - "I need your help, my life is pointless, please help me". No thought that his own choice to drink is the cause of the problem.

the alcoholic basically takes their problems and dumps them on everyone else around them.

The chicken and the egg. He drinks because his life is so pitiful. His life is so pitiful because he drinks.

I can't walk away from her. I have a 6yr old DS who adores her and she adores him.

I don't wish to be rude, but you sound like me 7 years ago. The journey is awful. I began detaching because of the safety of my own children. They adore their uncle, as I did (when he was sober), but our own family life is more important than his drinking.

He is now only allowed into our life when sober. I worry a lot for my Mum. She cannot detach or distance herself from him.

farewell Im glad you had such a positive experience at the meeting.

You asked about detaching earlier, for me, detaching involved accepting that my sister was going to drink, that I couldn't stop her, and that she was likely to behave badly as a result. I would still see her at family gatherings and be nice, but if she was horrible I would take my family and leave, instead of trying to get her to stop what she was doing.

It also involved trying not to feel guilty; as a poster mentioned people are often critical that you are not doing more to help the person and stop them drinking, as without having been in this situation it is hard to understand when you have tried everything all that remains is to try to protect yourself and maintain contact so that if the person is ready to get better, they can ask you for help.

farewell I'm so glad you found good support with Al-Anon, it is scary how common this is but also wonderful that there is such understanding and support from people too.

Reading a lot of these posts has made me cry, I can see my Dsis in so much of what people have said. The lying is one of the hardest things to deal with, and the manipulation that comes with it. Every time they convince you and every time they let you down. :(

I can only echo the advice of others, the only way to keep your sanity is to detatch at some level, but of course that is so so hard but accepance of the fact there is nothing you can do until she is ready is the key to it.

Keep posting here, pm me if you ever want a chat, go to your support groups and try as much as humanly possible to continue with your life without letting your sister's selfish and damaging behaviour get too far under your skin.

So much easier said than done.

Thanks again for the posts. I think the lying is one of the hardest things for me. I watched her lie to our mum about how she had injured her elbow and it broke my heart. She's already lied to me about it on the phone, but hearing her say it to mum's face was a turning point.

Also, to answer something about my ds's safety, he only sees her when we're around and I don't think he is really aware that her mood and behaviour changes (yet). I guess the older he gets the more aware he'll be. I certainly wouldn't leave him in her care any more which is a shame, as she used to say she would love him to go and stay. To be honest I think her adoration of him has changed as he has got older. She doesn't play with him or really have much to do with him any more when we go and see her. That makes me very sad.

If, for instance, when we are there for the summer party, her behaviour got too out of control, I would definitely consider leaving.

Hello farewell, I'm so pleased that going to AlAnon was a good experience for you. It sounds like your BIL could benefit from their support, and I imagine they'd have something to say about him drinking wine with your DSis - which seems like a terrible idea to me, it's like he's giving his approval to her continued drinking. I don't mean that to be critical of him.

If, as many have suggested, things are going to get worse, is it worth quietly reducing the contact between DS and DSis? I know he loves her, but there are so many things that can go wrong, perhaps you need protect yourselves.

Good luck.

Farewell really pleased you have taken the first steps. Good luck on your journey x

Hi Farewell, I started going to Al Anon 3 months ago, I have a sister very like yours except that she has now lost the husband, DCs and job through drinking. Al Anon is giving me some peace and the support to see where I am in all of this mess. I am so glad you went and hope you will keep going. It could be the lifeline your BIL needs too, I hope he will go with you. There is Al Ateen too for teenagers, might that help your niece?

It was actually one of the posters on this thread who told me about Al Anon (smile)

i'm really glad you found al-anon helpful x