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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my neighbour should keep his nose out

65 replies

OorWullie · 17/07/2014 09:12

Of my garden?

I live in terraced housing, so my garden is joined on either side to the neighbours' gardens and seperated by a fence.
NDN is a fusspot, he can't abide anything not being 'just so' and will bang on about it till something is done to his satisfaction. He has made several comments about my garden, it does have alot of weeds and I admit it was a bit of a mess, but it wasn't affecting anyone but me and isn't in clear view of anyone because of the high fencing. One day I came home and he and one of the other neighbours who does odd jobs for NDN were in my garden, pulling everything up, cutting my fruit tree (so I've now lost most of the fruit on it as it wasn't ripe yet), they have cut up my washing line as well, I felt I had to then go out and help, so I did and was polite and thanked them for their help.

I was recently in a car accident and suffered back and head injuries, I'm not supposed to do anything strenuous which is partly why I hadn't started the garden earlier and I really suffered afterwards. I am a
single mum, my friends and family all work full time and I have no money to pay anyone. The neighbour is still making comments about what I'm going to do next now that the weeds are gone etc. I've explained that I can't do any more, and that my family will help as and when they can but they have alot of work needing done at their own house as well as working full time.

AIBU to think it was rude of him just to swan in and take over to satisfy his own fussiness. He can't even see the garden unless he comes into it or makes a concious effort to stand right against his fence and look over the top. I'm fed up listening to him make comments constantly when I have explained I am trying to get some help with it and am to ill to do it myself.

it's hard to explain without just sounding like he helped me and i'm ungrateful.

OP posts:
Perfectlypurple · 17/07/2014 09:15

I can't believe you went and helped and thanked them! They have no right to cut down your tree or go in your garden.

SaucyJack · 17/07/2014 09:16

Ring the police and report him for criminal damage to your tree. He's a bully and men like this only get away with it because we let them get away with it.

annielouise · 17/07/2014 09:17

Just tell him.

BalconyBill · 17/07/2014 09:17

Not hard to explain at all! You came home and found him in your garden uninvited Shock?? I would be furious. My mother has a tendency to do things like this in the guise of 'helping', but she's my mum so it's different. If a neighbour took it upon themselves to come into my garden to pull things up and cut down my trees I would throw them out sharpish!

Have they replaced your washing line?

Next time he says something, tell him that it is your garden and you'll deal with it as you wish. it is none of his business!

BalconyBill · 17/07/2014 09:18

By the way, what are you supposed to be grateful for?? You didn't ask for his help, or even want it!

YoniMitchell · 17/07/2014 09:19

YANBU but you've pretty much given permission to your NDN to have an opinion and act on it (stick his nose in, dictate what you do, do it himself) by not going postal when you came home to find him and his cohort ripping and chopping your garden up!

Just tell him if your garden offends him then maybe he just shouldn't keep looking over the fence and you'll do what you want to with it in your own time.

Original poster
OorWullie · 17/07/2014 09:32

No, I didn't want his help at all- it's a street where everyone is in about each others' houses and business but i try to stay out of the loop. I'm friendly and chatty to everyone and wouldn't like to rock the boat and be mean to him but I prefer to keep myself to myself and deal with my own shit.

My mum went mental when she found out I'd been out there doing it, I just felt I would look lazy if they could see me sitting in the house leaving them to it, as I know he has discussed the garden with at least two of the other neighbours who I am more friendly with. I'm trying to be assertive without being rude, and I don't often find it in myself to get worked up about neighbourhood drama but I really pissed off about the fact that it's now
tidy, my tree and washing line have been damaged and it's still not enough. It won't win any prizes for best garden but it's tidy and inoffensive- that's all I can manage for now and DS and I don't use the back garden because he prefers to play out front where I sit out to keep an eye.

OP posts:
YoniMitchell · 17/07/2014 09:49

I just felt I would look lazy if they could see me sitting in the house leaving them to it

But you didn't ask (want?) them to do it! They should not have been there doing it at all, whether you did any of it or not!

it's still not enough

For him? It's none of his business so don't worry about it!

You really don't need to cause a drama. Just tell him politely (if you want to avoid confrontation!) that you'll get on to the next stage when you're good and ready, but in the meantime can he let you know when he'll be able to replace the washing line he destroyed, as you really could do with that sorting before you even think about your flower beds. Or perhaps you could use his washing line until he manages to give you a new one?

Personally I'd use more a forthright tone but I appreciate I are you're after a quieter life!

MrsWinnibago · 17/07/2014 10:04

What Saucy said! Don't let people bully you Wullie bloody tell them how it is!

I have a neighbour like this in my block of flats and as soon as we moved in, he tried to flex his muscles.

DH and I soon put him in his place...very politely...but firmly in his place.

He hasn't bothered us since.

What you need to do is put a note through his door.

"Dear X, this is just to let you know that in future your help in the garden is not required. Please do not enter my property again...I have sought legal advice and now understand that you were breaking the law. I do not wish to have anything but a pleasant and friendly relationship with my neighbours so we will forget this happened. But I reiterate...do not enter my property again."

gertiegusset · 17/07/2014 10:05

How did they get into your garden?
Is the access from the back?
Put a lock on your gate.

Original poster
OorWullie · 17/07/2014 10:12

My garden has a gate right at the bottom end which leads onto the communal path for taking bins round etc. Mum told me to put a padlock on but his bloody brown bim (garden waste) is still in my garden (mine was nicked and I haven't got round to gettin another) so he filled his with my crap, I can't move it so I'll need to wait until he does.

I think I just need to grow a backbone and tell him that his 'help' isn't wanted.

I feel like a child being told to clean my room.

OP posts:
Original poster
OorWullie · 17/07/2014 10:13

*bin not bim

OP posts:
ILoveCoreyHaim · 17/07/2014 10:13

Is it council, if so report him for anti social behaviou

MrsWinnibago · 17/07/2014 10:14

Ask someone else to move the bin....how old is DS? Or your Mum could do it?

Get it out of there, get a padlock.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 17/07/2014 10:16

Oops pressed enter. Report him for anti social behaviour. I have reported my neighbour as he is always on my case. He has took a quater of my garden and plantee bushes down my path which attract bees. Ive currently got a boundry check in as i want them out. He has done the same on the other side. His is bought and it looks like he has a huge garden. He also stands at my front door cutting his bushes. I wish he would feck off as he gets right on my nerves

Original poster
OorWullie · 17/07/2014 10:32

It's Housing Association, I don't want to go as far as reporting him- I have to live beside him for the forseeable and would rather keep things amicable, some of the other neighbours who I am friendlier with are right in his pocket, I don't want an atmosphere.

I will get my Dad over to move the bin and stick a padlock on later. NDN will need access to paint his fence on my side but I might just loose the padlock key for a few days and make him stew.

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 17/07/2014 10:35

NDN will need access to paint his fence on my side no he will not - put your foot down!!

Original poster
OorWullie · 17/07/2014 10:43

NigellasDealer (love the NN) unfortunately he will- we are all responsible for the fence on the left, I am not allowed to stop him from painting his fence, but I will let DS outside to make plenty of noise on the day he is doing it.

He has just offered me a fucking rake.

Tempted to get some paint and paint a giant hand on the back wall of my garden, sticking two fingers up to his house.

OP posts:
NorwaySpruce · 17/07/2014 10:46

You must be mad.

These people are almost literally walking all over you, and you sound as though you'd be willing to lie in your garden and invite them to do just that Shock

If you don't put your foot down now, you will have this guy treating your home and garden as an extension of his house.

What will you do if he decides he doesn't like your curtains!?

Tell him politely that his work is done, and you will manage fine on your own now.

MellowAutumn · 17/07/2014 10:46

I personally would let him get on with it , sit with a cup of tea and watch :)if he goes on about what you need to do next ask him when he wants to start .

Bifauxnen · 17/07/2014 10:49

Shock I'd go absolutely ballistic! I'm genuinely enraged on your behalf. Tell him to take his neurotic entitled attitude and shove it up his arse. And threaten to report him to everyone if he bothers you again.

Itsfab · 17/07/2014 10:52

He is bullying you and you are letting him.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 17/07/2014 10:56

I can't believe people put up with shit like this. Really opens my eyes MN does

MimiSunshine · 17/07/2014 10:57

He has done a right number on you hasn’t he?

He has sustained an ongoing and i bet gradually increasing campaign of psychological pressure in order to bring you under his control. I’m stunned that you didn’t freak out at then for ripping up your garden (weeds or not) and ruining your fruit trees. You are now in an abusive relationship with your neighbour if you feel like you have to do what he says for fear of upsetting him or reprisal (him badmouthing you to others).

So firstly if / when he brings it up again say ‘i don’t wish to discuss my garden with you’. And keep repeating, its not up for discussion, he has no rights over it and doesn’t need to be involved. You can smile, be polite and friendly but that topic is off limits. By justifying yourself you are giving him an in. As for the other neighbours if they bring it up, tell them he entered without permission and ruined your fruit trees but you have let it go now.

Find anyone who can drag the bin out and then padlock the gate, he doesn’t need access, the fence on your side is no concern of his, you can paint it bright pink, throw multicoloured paint bombs at it or just leave it as it is. He has no right or need to come in to paint it to match his side.

Get angry about this and stand up for yourself against this bully.

Bifauxnen · 17/07/2014 10:59

Go and rearrange his garden, dig up his flowers and replace them with the ugliest garden gnomes you can find. Tell him there's no need to thank you, it's just what neighbours do.

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