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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my neighbour should keep his nose out

65 replies

OorWullie · 17/07/2014 09:12

Of my garden?

I live in terraced housing, so my garden is joined on either side to the neighbours' gardens and seperated by a fence.
NDN is a fusspot, he can't abide anything not being 'just so' and will bang on about it till something is done to his satisfaction. He has made several comments about my garden, it does have alot of weeds and I admit it was a bit of a mess, but it wasn't affecting anyone but me and isn't in clear view of anyone because of the high fencing. One day I came home and he and one of the other neighbours who does odd jobs for NDN were in my garden, pulling everything up, cutting my fruit tree (so I've now lost most of the fruit on it as it wasn't ripe yet), they have cut up my washing line as well, I felt I had to then go out and help, so I did and was polite and thanked them for their help.

I was recently in a car accident and suffered back and head injuries, I'm not supposed to do anything strenuous which is partly why I hadn't started the garden earlier and I really suffered afterwards. I am a
single mum, my friends and family all work full time and I have no money to pay anyone. The neighbour is still making comments about what I'm going to do next now that the weeds are gone etc. I've explained that I can't do any more, and that my family will help as and when they can but they have alot of work needing done at their own house as well as working full time.

AIBU to think it was rude of him just to swan in and take over to satisfy his own fussiness. He can't even see the garden unless he comes into it or makes a concious effort to stand right against his fence and look over the top. I'm fed up listening to him make comments constantly when I have explained I am trying to get some help with it and am to ill to do it myself.

it's hard to explain without just sounding like he helped me and i'm ungrateful.

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 17/07/2014 11:00

^ yes go into his garden and strim like crazy.
how very dare he!?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/07/2014 11:03

He's bullying you. Your side of the fence is nothing to do with him .Just because he's responsible for maintaining it doesn't mean he gets to paint your side. He was trespassing. Don't allow it.

pictish · 17/07/2014 11:03

OP you need to aproach him and politely, calmly but firmly tell him that his help is not required or welcome.

"Thank you for the work you have undertaken in my garden, but from this point on, I'm going to ask you to step back and leave it be. I am not comfortable with having you, or anyone else, come and go on my property, taking action and responsibility for maintaining it. That's my own look out, and I'll now thank you to leave it to me alone to deal with."

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/07/2014 11:04

Good one Pictish!

pictish · 17/07/2014 11:05

If he was to persist after that...you would then know that this guy is not seeking to help, but to control, which is not something you have to accept whatsoever.
Stand up to him fgs! He thinks he's the boss of you...put him right!

Cocolepew · 17/07/2014 11:13

Fuck me, I would have turned the hose on him! Shock

BreconBeBuggered · 17/07/2014 11:15

And don't let him make you feel lazy for not doing what he wants. Your most important job right now is to make a full recovery so that you can continue to look after your family. Bollocks to any fuss-arse little control freak trying to dictate to you. The cheeky fucker.

TheLovelyBoots · 17/07/2014 11:16

OP, this guy is a bully, please do tell him to fuck off.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 17/07/2014 11:26

You do need to tell him not to come in your garden again. And point out he damaged your tree and washing line. If you can't face it, get your father to go over and have a word.

IvyBeagle · 17/07/2014 11:27

I'm with the posters above who would have reported him etc.

However, if you are not up to any confrontation perhaps some managing might be another option. Give him a list of jobs, sit, as someone suggested, with a cup of tea, tell them how great they are. When it snows have them clear your path, when its spring have them start mowing your lawn. Free gardener!

I think though, that you may have to take the other stance as they are making you feel bad. It must feel very invasive in your own home and especially as you are not well. Does the neighbour know about your health?

CerealMom · 17/07/2014 11:32

Bit confused about the fence.

Yes to him the maintaining the boundary fence. But no, not usual for him to be able to paint your side his colour. That would be down to you to paint.

Just get a padlock. No drama, job done.

pictish · 17/07/2014 11:34

Abbie although I know you mean well, I would not advise having her dad go over there to talk to him.
The reason being, is that he already shows a spectacular lack of regard or respect for the OP in thinking he can override her and do as he pleases on her property. Getting the dad to fight her battles will simply reinforce his perception of her as someone he has authority over.
She has got to oput him right herself - she has got to present as someone not to be bullied or messed with...not as a simpering girly who needs a man to speak on her behalf.

MostlyMama · 17/07/2014 11:40

Please give this man what for, if I came home and found two strange men in my garden ripping up my plants and trees, I don't care how OTT it seems to anyone but I'd phone the police and report them as trespassers on your property (which lets face it they were! They did not have permission to be there) tell him next time you find him in the garden, you will be on the phone to the police, the landlord, who ever it takes. He is not to come into your garden ever. It is rude, scary and outrageously bullying behaviour,.

I cannot fucking get over that you went out and thanked them though, JAYSUS.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 17/07/2014 11:48

My neighhour went on like this with me for 4 years before i reported him and in those 4 years he just got worse. I don't speak to them at all now, they are a PITA but now he has ceased standing outside my front door. Idk how he will react when the council tell him he is on my border and i rip his bushes out. He knows fine well where his boundry is, its to the point he built a wall to then filled the rest with hia bushes. Im past caring if i offend him, hes wrong not me planting shit all over other peoples gardens

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/07/2014 11:50

"I just felt I would look lazy if they could see me sitting in the house leaving them to it"

That wasn't the only option, though - I wouldn't have left them to it or gone out and helped - I would have gone out and asked them what the actual buggering fuck they thought they were doing in MY garden, vandalising MY tree and washing line.

I think you should report them to the police and the Housing Association, and insist on compensation for the damage they have done - I do understand what you are saying about having to live next to these people for the forseeable future - but that cuts both ways - do you want them taking these sort of liberties with YOUR garden for the forseeable future?

And this would be a perfect case for my MN Hit Squad - a roving band of MNers who will visit MNers difficult family members/neighbours/friends/colleagues, and tell them the home truths that the MNer doesn't want to deliver herself. It could be reciprocal - I will come and put your neighbour back in his box, and you can go and tell my sister to stop her irritating, self-deprecating laughter and showing off about how far she can run before I twat her to death with a spade!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/07/2014 11:56

Actual buggering fuck...must remember that one

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/07/2014 11:57

Ds1 (20) taught me that one. Every day is a school day! Grin

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 17/07/2014 12:01

Although I know you mean well, pictish, that post was quite condescending.

All of what you said did occur to me, but is less important short-term than keeping this man off her property while she continues to recover.

ChelsyHandy · 17/07/2014 12:14

In the parallel world of mumsnet, untidy, weed-filled gardens are paramount over the need of neighbours to want to live next to a tidy, well kept property. How bad is it OP? I can't imagine its very nice living next to a really untidy garden, especially if everyone else in the terrace takes care of theirs. And aren't you in breach of your tenancy agreement by not taking care of the garden?

Obviously, no-one should come into your garden and do it for you. But don't people equally get criticised for being un-neighbourly and not helping their neighbours? Is it really impossible to get someone to do it for you occasionally at the weekend or evening while its still light? I appreciate you being in an accident, but are you expecting to recover? Surely some exercise is good for you and sprinkling powdered weedkiller would not be too strenuous.

I appreciate I am going to be terribly criticised on here for making such outlandish comments, but hey, I've been in a car accident as well and suffered back injuries and found making myself do things that were initially slightly uncomfortable/difficult really contributed to my recovery, at the same time DH suffered a head injury and brain hemoraghe and equally found taking a progressive approach to doing things helped. I don't really prescribe to the view that so many people are totally incapable to doing anything at all for themselves, even if that is simply organising looking after the property they rent. If you are having ongoing therapy on quite a frequent basis then perhaps you really cannot do anything else, but DH found that most therapists helping him recover from the head injury positively encouraged him to get back to normal life and do things like the garden once six weeks or so had passed. Depends heavily on the brain injury, but you are not hospitalised? Are you are hoping to make a full recovery and get back to normal?

Equally its possible that it just isn't sinking in with your neighbour that you are recovering from injuries. Sometimes certain injuries, particularly head and back injuries, aren't too obvious. But equally its possible that your garden is really bad, people can see it from their windows and its dragging down the whole neighbourhood.

But they tend not to be the sort of people who post on internet forums, so preparing for a flaming.

ChelsyHandy · 17/07/2014 12:17

Also adding that if you have suffered a recent traumatic head injury, the last thing you want to do is get involved in a shouting match with your neighbour. Perhaps you could pass him a copy of a hospital letter, with a note saying you appreciate the current problems with the garden but you are simply recovering from injuries and would respect not being hassled or harassed while doing so. Editing out any confidential/personal info of course!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/07/2014 12:22

Helping is very different to trespassing, doing things you haven't been asked to do, and damaging property in the process, though, isn't it, Chelsy?

If the neighbour had knocked on the door and said, "I can see you are struggling at the moment - would it help if I mowed the lawn and pulled up the weeds for you? And maybe I could prune back the fruit tree too" - then the OP would have had the option to accept or refuse politely, and if she accepted, she could have said that she didn't want the fruit tree pruned, as she was waiting for the fruit to ripen.

That would have been a lovely, neighbourly exchange. Letting yourself into someone else's property, and doing stuff without their permission, is rude and disrespectful, and I don't care how offensive the neighbour found the look of the garden, he had no right to take matters into his own hands in that way.

NigellasDealer · 17/07/2014 12:23

yes chelsy trespassing and destroying property is not on really is it?

titchy · 17/07/2014 12:24

WTF!!! You thanked him?!!!! If a partner hit you would you thank him for doing it where the bruises wouldn't show?

Your NDN has just abused you and you thanked him for it?

Dear God woman get a backbone - is this the sort of message you want your kids to get?

If you don't want face to face confrontation drop a note through his door as Mrswinnibago suggested.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 17/07/2014 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whois · 17/07/2014 12:27

I felt I had to then go out and help, so I did and was polite and thanked them for their help

You're a mug. A total doormat! Why on earth didn't you ask them what they were doing and to get out?!?