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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mil overstepping/making arrangements with dh

66 replies

Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 11:03

Dh and I need childcare as a one off, we are quite prepared to pay a professional, but the two we would normally call on are not available. Dh phoned his mum, who is also not available. She then phoned us back to say dh's niece could do it. Dh says yes.
I'm not happy. Niece is a quite immature 17. Caring, but doesn't cope with frustration in a mature way; eye rolling, swearing etc. Toddler ds doesn't know her well, is teething and is likely to be hard work.
She's apparently excited about doing this, and has been asking her Gran, (mil) lots of advice. Some of which I don't agree with.
Dh is irritated by my concerns. Aibu

OP posts:
PedlarsSpanner · 14/07/2014 11:10

It will be fine.

Honestly, it will.

PedlarsSpanner · 14/07/2014 11:13

Irereading your OP, I don't think MIL is overstepping, she has found a solution, not altogether to your taste maybe, but DH is agreeable so, smile, say thank you.

Unless there is a huge backstory ofc.

artyone · 14/07/2014 11:16

I'd be annoyed, I wouldn't leave my child with someone they barely knew, especially not someone so young.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 14/07/2014 11:19

Your MIL made a suggestion. Your DH is the one who has ok'd it. Yabu as your MIL could have just been told no thanks.

Your childs other parent has made this decision.

JenniferJo · 14/07/2014 11:23

MiL hasn't overstepped the mark at all. She made a suggestion which you DH accepted. If you are going to be cross with anyone be cross with him, MiL was trying to help.

gingercat2 · 14/07/2014 11:27

I think that if you have concerns about your niece looking after your toddler it is reasonable to say no. Lots of people on mm seem to be very politically correct about fathers being completely equal to mothers in the ability/right to make decisions about childhood rearing, but as a mother I would have wanted this decision run past me for approval rather than being made without my agreement.

Original poster
Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 11:27

Not exactly backstory but "no thanks" would have been taken as an insult to several family members and not gone down at all well.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 14/07/2014 11:30

Well if your dh wasn't allowed to say "no thanks" I'm at a loss as to what else you expected him to do Confused

googietheegg · 14/07/2014 11:32

She was trying to be helpful but the problem is DH agreeing without asking you. I would not for one second let anyone like your dn look after my toddler daughter - I'm sure she's a lovely girl but your daughter is too precious.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 14/07/2014 11:32

Other than that, I'm sure they'll be fine. It's the age old conundrum isn't it. - young person has no experience therefore young person doesn't get the opportunity to get experience.

Original poster
Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 11:36

I expect dh to continue to help me look for another solution, take my reservations seriously and then gently tell his mum/niece that it's okay so and so who lives nearer and knows as better can do it.

OP posts:
Idontseeanyicegiants · 14/07/2014 11:37

Can you do a trial run first? Ask her to come round for a an hour maybe to get to know the DC better and build from there?
It's a bit off to suggest that your DH isn't allowed to organise a babysitter without your permission, unless he has form for doing stupid things with your DC in the past? My DH organises our babysitters more than I do, our usual ones are his 18 year old cousin and her boyfriend, the DC's adore them both because they're more fun than us apparently.
He is a parent and presumably a mature intelligent man and therefore has just as much say in your child's care as you do. It's not PC to say that, it's just as it should be in a responsible loving family.

coolaschmoola · 14/07/2014 11:37

Your DH is the issue, your MIL came up with a potential solution, he didn't have to say yes, and if he felt he couldn't say no (time for big boy pants?!) he could have said it was sorted, but thanks anyway.

That would either give you time to keep looking, or for one of you to cancel and look after ds instead.

SarcyMare · 14/07/2014 11:37

agreee with everyone else

LastTango · 14/07/2014 11:39

How long is the sitting for? How old is your child?

EarthWindFire · 14/07/2014 11:42

If you came up with a solution that your DH didn't like would you back down then?

Mintyy · 14/07/2014 11:42

WTF? What on earth was Mil supposed to do?

Ye Gods.

Original poster
Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 11:43

Okay, child is fifteen months, sitting is for eight hours during daytime. Normally dh's day off but has to do a training course. Unfortunately no time to do a gentle build up.

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 14/07/2014 11:45

On what planet is this MIL in the wrong??????!!!!!

HayDayQueen · 14/07/2014 11:45

How far away will you be? We often use 17 year olds to babysit when we're just a couple of minutes away, but then we also have lovely neighbours all around who would help in a crisis.

But YABU to blame your MIL. Your DH is the one you should have a problem with.

Original poster
Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 11:46

If I came up with a solution dh didn't like I'd be happy to discuss it and keep looking for alternatives, yes!

OP posts:
Wooodpecker · 14/07/2014 11:46

I think your MIL had the best of intentions. It's not like she is sending Rosemary West round to babysit.

Either make sure you have a trial run with your niece or hire a professional.

Mintyy · 14/07/2014 11:49

Hakluyt - she is in the wrong on planet Mumsnet, where no mil can ever do a thing right!

Original poster
Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 11:49

I think mil was in the wrong to promise babysitting work to a 17 year old without checking with the parents that they considered her suitable and then to go on and advise said 17 year old in cio, and a blas, dated approach to sun protection.

OP posts:
HavantGuard · 14/07/2014 11:51

No way. I thought you meant older DC. A 17 year old in sole care of a teething 15 month old she doesn't know well for 8 hours sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I wouldn't be mad at your MIL. It sounds like she was trying to help. I would be mad at your DH for forgetting the standard get out in these situations - "That's such a kind offer but we've managed to arrange a sitter."