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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

mil overstepping/making arrangements with dh

66 replies

Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 11:03

Dh and I need childcare as a one off, we are quite prepared to pay a professional, but the two we would normally call on are not available. Dh phoned his mum, who is also not available. She then phoned us back to say dh's niece could do it. Dh says yes.
I'm not happy. Niece is a quite immature 17. Caring, but doesn't cope with frustration in a mature way; eye rolling, swearing etc. Toddler ds doesn't know her well, is teething and is likely to be hard work.
She's apparently excited about doing this, and has been asking her Gran, (mil) lots of advice. Some of which I don't agree with.
Dh is irritated by my concerns. Aibu

OP posts:

SarcyMare · 14/07/2014 13:22

I know from experience that mil has her ideas on child rearing, but respects parent instructions/routines when baby sitting. She then goes and bitches to the bridge club about modern parenting.

how does this differ from almost every post on these places bitching about old fashioned parenting methods from their in-laws?

Original poster

Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 13:27

Sarcy, it doesn't!

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 14/07/2014 13:29

OP - go sort other childcare yourself if you can, then your DH can tell MIL and DN, sorry, big mixup, Beenspotted has already sorted it but thanks so much for offering!

Job done.

If you can't find someone else, then it'll have to be DN, unless you take a day's leave yourself, which would be a nice solution that can't offend anyone, plans have changed, Beenspotted has the day off now, thanks but no childcare needed.

MIL wasn't in the wrong to try and find you a solution, if it wasn't suitable, your DH should have said no thank you.

diddl · 14/07/2014 13:29

I also think it was kind of her to try to help in this case.

So, does your husband really think that your niece is capable, or just wants to believe that she is because it solves the problem?

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 14/07/2014 13:33

Sounds too much for an untrained 17 year old. My 17 year old niece loves children and wants to do some kind of early years care as a job. I still wouldn't ask this of her. 8 hours as a first go is a very long time, too.

Original poster

Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 13:34

diddl, I rather think it's the latter of your options.

OP posts:

Beeyump · 14/07/2014 13:34

Is 'bitches to the bridge club' in common parlance? Sounds like it should be.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/07/2014 13:36

She's apparently excited about doing this, and has been asking her Gran, (mil) lots of advice
She sounds like she is prepared to make an effort and accept advice what's more. Make sure she gets it from you.

I think you are being unreasonable for blaming your MIL on this one.

There are plenty of immature 17 yr olds with children of their own. Do a day planner for her setting out what times he needs his nappy changed, offered milk, process for settling him for lunchtime nap, fav tv shows/none at all etc etc.

Then explain to her that you will be checking in on her my phone and neighbour X is going to pop by in case toddler is a teething monster so she can take a break for 10 mins and go to the loo by herself.

It's one day - and she is receptive to guidance. It could be a very good thing. If you do all that and you're not happy then just call in a professional, say no, and tell DH he has to cancel without blaming you.

BackforGood · 14/07/2014 13:40

I agree with everyone else -
YABU to be blaming your MiL
YABU to not trust your dd's other parent, to make arrangements for his dd to be looked after when he can't look after her on a day he normally does.
YABU to think a 17 yr old who is willing to learn and listen to advice wouldn't be able to do this - particularly a you've said you can have other people pop in to check she's OK

diddl · 14/07/2014 13:48

Well it could be that she is excited & that's why she's asking or it could be that she hasn't got a clue & is wanting to be told what to do in any given scenario.

I think that your husband is awful for being irritated by your concerns.

If you don't trust her, that's how you feel-and he has said nothing to try to show you otherwise?

MaryWestmacott · 14/07/2014 13:56

You might find, if presented with another, more suitable option that you've arranged, your DH will suddenly decide he doesn't want DN to do it afterall.

Start calling round other options, ask round your working mum friends, see if anyone knws a nanny that doesn't work on that day who might want some extra money.

Are you prepared to take a day off work? It might be the best solution if you have the holiday leave. Then noone needs to be offended.

Original poster

Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 20:42

Mary, your post was prophetic! Dh is quite happy with our neighbour taking him, less happy about telling an and her parents her services were no longer required. Her stepmum did comment that it was probably just as well as she was getting nervous!

OP posts:

sisterofmercy · 15/07/2014 12:54

I'm glad you've got it all sorted. Might be worth training up your DN for short bursts of babysitting in the future as she sounds quite keen to spend time with her cousin, which is rather nice.

musicalendorphins2 · 15/07/2014 13:12

Invite the girl over to get to know the baby ahead of time. You can be the one to tell her about your child's needs. She may be just fine, you said she was keen.

musicalendorphins2 · 15/07/2014 13:18

*baby routine ^^

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 15/07/2014 14:07

MIL wasn't in the wrong to try and find you a solution, if it wasn't suitable, your DH should have said no thank you.

This, in a nutshell!

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