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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

mil overstepping/making arrangements with dh

66 replies

Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 11:03

Dh and I need childcare as a one off, we are quite prepared to pay a professional, but the two we would normally call on are not available. Dh phoned his mum, who is also not available. She then phoned us back to say dh's niece could do it. Dh says yes.
I'm not happy. Niece is a quite immature 17. Caring, but doesn't cope with frustration in a mature way; eye rolling, swearing etc. Toddler ds doesn't know her well, is teething and is likely to be hard work.
She's apparently excited about doing this, and has been asking her Gran, (mil) lots of advice. Some of which I don't agree with.
Dh is irritated by my concerns. Aibu

OP posts:

motherinferior · 14/07/2014 11:51

So....your DH rings his mum and asks if she can babysit for one of her grandchildren. She rings back and says no she can't, but another of her (perfectly normal sounding) other grandchildren can.

And she is in the wrong how, precisely???

motherinferior · 14/07/2014 11:53

She didn't 'promise babysitting work' to her other grandchild. She suggested this as an option to her son.

JenniferJo · 14/07/2014 11:55

Stop blaming MiL. it's your DH's fault. All of it.

zippey · 14/07/2014 12:00

You're MIL did not promise the babysitting task to your neice. She cant do that. You and/or your DH have the final say. You're DH said yes.

MIL was being helpful. You sound ungrateful and a bit precious. Accept the help in good grace or reject it in good grace. You wont be seen as the bad guy.

I would accept the help. You say neice does not know your child very well, then its a good chance to mend that.

How about having neice over a day or two beforehand for about an hour to get to bond better?

PedlarsSpanner · 14/07/2014 12:02

Wrt sun protection: put the child in long trousers, long sleeve t shirt, apply long lasting suncream to face/neck beforehand.

PedlarsSpanner · 14/07/2014 12:05

Hat, if child tolerates one

Buggy for shuggling fractious little one

Niece will want to "do well" not have a disastrous day.

gingercat2 · 14/07/2014 12:05

I agree with you Been. You hadn't actually asked mil to find you another babysitter, you had only asked her if SHE could do it. Telling you that no she wasn't available is where her responsibility and involvement should have ended. If she thought the niece was an option she should have discussed it with you/dh before asking the niece.

Ragwort · 14/07/2014 12:08

I think you sound a bit precious & controlling, this is your neice, most 17 year olds are capable of looking after a toddler for a day. Your MIL has been kind enough to suggest this.

Why not talk it through with your neice, rather than 'look for other solutions' - which might be rather difficult at short notice.

Why do mothers always seem to assume they have the 'final say' in any childcare arrangements, your DH seems happy enough with the idea?

madamweasel · 14/07/2014 12:11

Can you try to arrange for someone else to pop in and see how niece is getting on? Either trusted friend or older member of the family? We often have a young & fit but inexperienced family member along with an old and trusted but frailer family member babysitting our difficult toddler. It works just fine. Between them they have the knowledge, patience, strength and energy to enjoy the day.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 14/07/2014 12:11

But what other solution do you think DH should be looking for? Looks like you are going to have to leave her with someone she doesn't know, surely someone in the family is better.

In a 17 year old eye rolling pretty common, hell my 11 yo DS is expert at it.

I am sure she will be fine. She has been asking for advice, shows she is taking it seriously.

Your DH obv trust her, you need to unclench :)

Original poster

Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 12:17

By other solution I'd be happier with an older, more experienced, though regrettably less familiar face. Not sure what reception she'd give a neighbour checking up, although I have a couple who would. People I'd rather ask altogether!

OP posts:

TaurielTest · 14/07/2014 12:17

I can see how your MIL is rubbing you up the wrong way with the "let me tell you how to look after your cousin" CIO tips etc., but got to agree with other posters that it's your DH who's made the error in accepting her suggestion, and you now need to get on the same page with him so that you can decline the offer gracefully.

If the arrangement had been suggested directly with your DH's niece without the meddling MIL factor, I take it you'd still find her an unsuitable carer? Don't let wider issues with your DH's family cloud this one: teething toddler + untested teenage babysitter whom DS does not know for an entire day with no backup is not a good plan. Great if niece wants to get to know DS and you a bit better, maybe do a couple of hours to build up to babysitting in the future, but that's not the scenario here.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 14/07/2014 12:23

Cry it out?

No suncream?

15 month old who doesn't know her that well?

Eight hours solid childcare?

No, I wouldn't be happy - and I would come up with an alternative, fast.

But I wouldn't blame MIL - I'd be gracious and grateful for her trying to help and would try and be diplomatic about managing to get niece out of the picture. I'd then have a word with DH and make it clear that you expect to be consulted in advance about arrangements like this made with especially other family members, so a potential offending people situation can be avoided. Presumably, you would also consult him about the same, as the other parent.

Original poster

Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 12:25

Puddock, hand on heart, yes I would still find her an unsuitable choice for this particular sitting. A couple of hours on a evening when we're a phone call away and my older children around would be fine, but not for this. Funny that I seem to be getting a Mumsnet telling off that my mil can't make promises of babysitting work. Tell her that! Although point taken that dh is who I really have an issue with.

OP posts:

diddl · 14/07/2014 12:27

No, doesn't sound like a good solution to me.

Perhaps when MIL said no she she should just have suggested niece?

Do you know that your husband didn't ask your MIL to find someone else?

Original poster

Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 12:34

She offered to ask older niece, who has previously worked in a nursery and is now teacher training. That one we would have been delighted with! The suitability of younger sister has been assumed.

OP posts:

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 14/07/2014 12:34

"she is in the wrong on planet Mumsnet, where no mil can ever do a thing right!"

That would be the same planet Mumsnet where every poster (except possibly one) on the thread has said that the OP's MIL was perfectly reasonable, would it?

Wooodpecker · 14/07/2014 12:37

I think your MIL had the best of intentions. It's not like she is sending Rosemary West round to babysit.

Either make sure you have a trial run with your niece or hire a professional.

Purplepoodle · 14/07/2014 12:45

Give mil a ring and asked if older niece could help out for part of the day as you don't think it's fair to leave ds with younger niece as he's a handful at the moment

NotYouNaanBread · 14/07/2014 12:50

YABVU. They'll be fine and it looks like she has lots of family support to call upon if she needs advice on a particular situation. Your MIL was asked a favour, she couldn't do it but offered a helpful solution.

pigsDOfly · 14/07/2014 12:59

Wouldn't have wanted an inexperienced 17 yo looking after my 15 mo for eight hours tbh. It's a bit different to use a young person for a few hours in the evening while toddler is, hopefully, alseep.

Don't really understand though why you're happy for MIL to look after your child whilst being upset at the out of date advice she is giving your niece. Surely that means MIL isn't up to looking after your child either.

HaroldLloyd · 14/07/2014 13:02

Up too you re babysitter but agree don't understand why you think MIL is to blame, it's your DH that said yes, and the buck stops with him.

LoonvanBoon · 14/07/2014 13:04

I wouldn't leave a teething baby / toddler with an inexperienced teenager he doesn't know very well either. So YANBU to think this isn't a great solution.

I'm not sure about blaming your MIL though. If she promised her niece, & went ahead & make firm arrangements without checking, then I would think she was overstepping the mark.

But if she's just put forward one possible solution - albeit not a very good one - then I agree with other posters that it's your DH you should be annoyed with, for not discussing it with you before saying yes.

You say offence would have been taken if DH had refused, which implies a bigger issue than this one off request for childcare. You should be able (politely) to say no to other people's suggestions & ideas within a family.

If other family members, such as MIL, are interfering regularly & you / your DH feel you can't express your own views / make your own decisions, then I think you need to distance yourselves a bit. Don't share as much information about what you're doing, don't ask for childcare.

Original poster

Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 13:10

I know from experience that mil has her ideas on child rearing, but respects parent instructions/routines when baby sitting. She then goes and bitches to the bridge club about modern parenting. This differs from the basics in babyminding she's giving an.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beenspotted · 14/07/2014 13:12

Dn, even!

OP posts:

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