Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding

77 replies

Gryffindor · 13/07/2014 23:23

Just received invite to a wedding which is taking place on a Tuesday night. It says "please stay at the reception as late as possible".

Yes, never mind the fact that we are all taking the day off work to come already. It's not like we have to work on Wednesday or anything.

Oh and of course there was a request for cash.

This will be our 6th wedding this year - it's wearing thin!

AIBU to think this is a cheeky request?

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 14/07/2014 09:33

If you want people to stay up late, why not have an evening wedding. I hate these all day events that go on into the evening because I ust get too tired. I think if the wedding starts at 1pm, then it's fairly obvious that everyone won't be there 10 hours later at 11pm on a Tue evening. The other option is to have the ceremony brief and in the day, and then a big evening bash starting at 7pm.

This all sounds very cheeky.

I am finding weddings so costly to go to, money is tight in our household at present, and finding even an extra £200 for travel and a hotel is a lot in one month. New clothes out of the question. That's why paying an extra amount of money for their honeymoon, when I've had to use a credit card to attend anyway, doesn't appeal.

scarlettsmummy2 · 14/07/2014 09:35

I think any reference at all to gifts, whether it be a list or a horrific wee poem is in really bad taste. You don't get married to see what you can get out of it from your guests.

Bunbaker · 14/07/2014 09:35

Am I the only person that doesn't feel that I have to rush out and buy a new expensive outfit to go to a wedding?

PandaFeet · 14/07/2014 09:37

When we sent out our invitations we didn't mention gifts at all. I have always thought gift lists were graspy and presumptious. And we didn't want to say anything about money because we really don't want any gifts at all. We just want people to come and have a good time.

Well, not saying anything is wrong too. I have been told its very unorthodox by one aunt, and another offered to write us a cash poem if we couldn't come up with a suitable gift list.

Can't win.

As for your bride, she's just got carried away with it I think. I do think its traditional for the bride not to pay for her meal on the hen do, but not the hotel and all drinks too. As for it being on a tues, just leave when you want to.

OnlyLovers · 14/07/2014 09:38

YANBU. Why oh why do people feel free to boss others about when it comes to weddings, when you wouldn't dream of doing so otherwise?

Can you imagine having a party, or a dinner, and asking people to stay 'as late as possible'? Hmm

Lilaclily · 14/07/2014 09:38

I'm nearly 40, got married at 28
All my non married friends are getting married before they're 40 , even though they've been cohabiting for yonks
It's like they're all desperate not to be unmarried & 40
2 are pregnant with their first children too, its like they suddenly thought 'oh shit I'm 40 this year better get hitched & pregnant ' Grin

Lilaclily · 14/07/2014 09:40

Bunbaker - depends if you've got a wardrobe full of dresses?
I live in jeans & hoodies so have to buy an outfit if invited to a wedding

WallyBantersJunkBox · 14/07/2014 09:45

YANBU it's a wedding not a work conference. I think it's very rude to tell people the time they can go home. And what the hell does the instruction even mean?

Better if they'd said "DJ will be playing from 8pm till midnight and we'd appreciate your company to dance the night away...." at least then people would know what was going on.

Just go home when you're ready. I have a feeling this friendship will start to unravel anyway.....

hollycomputer · 14/07/2014 09:46

Ugh, what a piss take. I'd also ignore the request for money and leave whenever suits you.

Some distant relatives invited us to their Tuesday wedding which was far enough away to require an overnight stay and a day and a half off work. We were literally the only people who had been invited to the evening do - everyone else had been there all day. There was no food available and the hotel had stopped serving. Fortunately, the kitchen took pity on us and made us some sarnies.

I'd never do it again. Utter waste of holiday and money on the hotel. I know people do it because it's cheaper and I totally understand but it can be a bit thoughtless for guests.

HappyAgainOneDay · 14/07/2014 10:09

WallyBantersJunkBox

If any invitation I received said that there'd be a DJ present, I would decide not to stay. What's the point of having someone who just plays whatever he has as loudly as possible so you can't talk to anyone or hear them when they try to talk to you?

We had a barn dance at our wedding with a caller and band and people stayed until 11.30pm when we had to get out of the hotel and the band wanted to go home anyway. People still talk about it.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 14/07/2014 10:12

I was just using it as an example of why they might want people to hang on (if they'd paid for one and didn't want an empty dance floor)

If you had a midweek wedding with a barndance you might want to announce in the invitation before people plan get their coats at 5pm, no?

BackforGood · 14/07/2014 10:47

BunBaker - I don't know if it's a generational thing, but I'm like you.
I've been to quite a lot of weddings (I thought) but never been to anywhere near 8 in one year ! Shock. I've never felt the need to buy new outfits just because I've been invited to a wedding - I've always been under the impression my friends (or family) have wanted my company for the day, not some kind of fashion show.

Clarabell33 · 14/07/2014 10:57

I'd not worry about what time you leave, if it's local enough that you can attend work the next day. Unless they've specified that something is happening at e.g. 10pm which you "cannot miss" (and then I'd be Hmm), I'd be out of there in time to get a decent night's sleep. For me though, that entails being home around 1am, so it really depends on your usual bedtime! I've been to far too many weekday weddings in the last few years, mostly far enough away that we need to stay overnight before and after. Nice to be invited, but DH doesn't get paid leave so we lose out on his income for the days he is off work, as well as using up my annual leave, which means we have to reassess how much cash to give as a gift.

Haven't seen a gift list for the last 8-10 weddings though, everyone has either asked for cash, or said not to buy them anything at all due to having everything they need and/or no space for anything else. We said the no space thing (which was true, lived in a tiny flat) and still ended up with quite a few presents - several sets of boxed wine glasses which take up loads of room so we simply couldn't keep them all Sad

whois · 14/07/2014 11:45

Bunbaker - depends if you've got a wardrobe full of dresses?
I live in jeans & hoodies so have to buy an outfit if invited to a wedding

As do I - but since I have a couple of suitable outfits bought yonks ago, those get pulled out for weddings/christenings etc!

If you haven't got one smart nice looking formal outfit, it's a reasonably good investment as saves time money and stress for the next lot of events.

I don't really care if people see the same outfit several times. I look nice in it.

PrincessOfChina · 14/07/2014 11:51

Jeez. I am a big fan of weddings and definitely do not mind cash requests but wtf are they thinking having a proper wedding on a Tuesday?! Fair enough, have a quiet do with a meal or something but they must know that Tuesday is more or less the most inconvenient day of the week for most people?!

MrsKoala · 14/07/2014 12:06

About the present/money thing. DH and i didn't mention anything about it in the invitations - we lived together and had loads so thought it would be nice to see what our friends might do which was a bit more personal/special. If people asked we were going to ask for a charity donation to one close to DHs heart.

Well, no one asked (fine) and we only got about 4 presents out of over 50 guests (and those were mainly from less close people) - NCT group (who most didn't attend), 2 old friends of DH from uni and my parents. We were really disappointed. Altho we didn't want people to put themselves out. Some special tokens to keep would have been nice. My Mum mentioned it to a few people who said as there was no request in the invitation they thought we didn't want/expect anything. Some people seem to need to be told everything. I would never go to a wedding without at least a bottle of bubbly or something.

MeadowHeartshimmertheFairy · 14/07/2014 12:14

I'm Shock at the 'forgot her purse' on the hen do

I'd rather swallow broken glass than give that woman cash for her wedding, grasping little madam.

Attend wedding and say 'I'm sooooooo sorry (complete with head tilt), we were intending to give you some money as a gift but have completely forgotten all purses/ wallets. I'm sure you understand, after all it happened to you quite recently didn't it?'

OK I wouldn't say that, but I have no backbone

Original poster
Gryffindor · 14/07/2014 12:45

It was super awkward at the hen - especially as we were a mixed bunch. Some family, friends, work colleagues etc. Everyone seemed pretty miffed though. We had to sub her cabs to and from the hotel to restaurant etc.

At my hen I actually paid for everyone's dinner. Yes I'm very lucky to be able to do that, but I did it mainly because people had made the effort to come and I didn't want them to think they had to pay for me. I didn't have a massive 'do' though and certainly didn't expect anyone to stay in a hotel.

OP posts:
WaitMonkey · 14/07/2014 12:49

I really wouldn't be going.

WaitMonkey · 14/07/2014 12:56

How come the hen was done before the invitations went out ?

Original poster
Gryffindor · 14/07/2014 13:01

There was a save the date a while ago, the B is busy and I think she just didn't get round to sending them out.

It has caused some consternation though - a couple of friends live abroad and they have been reluctant to finalise travel before receiving formal invites. The wedding is only a few weeks away!

OP posts:
angelos02 · 14/07/2014 13:06

Agog at the leaving her purse at home.

How do people like this have any friends? I wouldn't put up with it and certainly wouldn't be going to the wedding.

HappyAgainOneDay · 14/07/2014 13:10

MrsKoala My DH and I didn't mention presents at all because we already had everything but people still asked us what we wanted. We finished up with spring bulbs, garden centre vouchers, a balti cooking tin and other things that were appreciated but we could have done without them.

Gryffindor There was a thread a few weeks ago where the OP saved the date as told in advance, booked travel and accommodation but never received an invitation in the end. Your friends were being wise!

chicaguapa · 14/07/2014 13:14

I don't understand the problem with having a midweek wedding and why this takes the piss? Confused

There are plenty of people who work weekends too and would have to take a Saturday and Sunday off to attend a Saturday wedding. It's a bit Hmm to assume all wedding guests have Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs.

Tbh when I read the OP I thought the b&g were acknowledging that it's on a school night albeit in a clumsy way. But later info suggests a backstory and an issue with the way the whole wedding in general anyway.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/07/2014 13:16

"We would be delighted to accept your invitation. Unfortunately, due to work committments requiring travel on Wednesday xth, we will need to leave by 10pm on the day of the wedding". Then make up an office away day/strategy session or some such guff that makes it reasonable.

Or you could decline due to "unforeseen work commitments" [people get turned down for leave all the time especially in the summer] and simply say that you would love to attend in the evening after the meal if you are welcome then. She saves on the dinner (she sounds pretty tight anyway) and you save your annual leave for someone more deserving)