To think being "well off" is the least important quality in a man?

[HollyGuacamolly]

I am single and pregnant and bitter but went for lunch with a group of friends (also single) and were discussing what qualities we want in a man; I was surprised that all of them listed "well off" as an important factor, but not one of them mentioned anything along the lines of kind/treats me with respect.

Is this standard attitude? Or do I hang around with gold diggers weirdos?

FWIW obviously I don't want someone who's shit with money and a total liability, but when assessing someone's potential as a new partner I can honestly say I don't take wealth into account.

Meant to write 'hedge fund life, hedge fund wife...'

WTF is a 'hedge fund'

It's not the most important. But it's not the least important either. And if you are sitting about having a theoretical conversation about what you would like in a guy then surely you would prefer well off to skint?

In those sorts of conversations I don't think I have ever said 'kimd and treats me with respect'. Not because its not because it's not important but because it'sbm bloody obvious!

I didn't know what I wanted. It is unsettling to read people judge women for not getting it as right as they did though. In my case, I was drawn to a domineering man because my mother had been very controlling when I was young and in my teens and twenties. I managed to get away, make a few decisions finally, and then I ended up with my x. It took psychotherapy for me before I understood it.

I agree, men like my x and there are loads of him (but less bossy versions thankfully) they want easy going, pretty, nice, maternal but not mumsy, clever but only so that the genes passed on to the son are good !

meganorks, I don't know about that. I've been in a situation where money = power and that power was abused. I find conspicuous wealth like bad breath now, I'm on tenterhooks waiting to breath in its effect. It makes me edgy. I like a man to have the same as I have. Ie, stability and a modest income! If I get a promotion then so can he , ha!

This thread does make laugh

'what qualities do you want in a mate'

'good financial grounding, good with kids, wants kids/doesn't want kids, good in bed'

'OMG HOW CAN ANY MAN POSSIBLY LIVE UP TO YOUR RIDICULOUSLY HIGH EXPECTATIONS CAN'T YOU SEE HOW RIDICULOUS YOU SOUND'

Its just hilarious, do we really think so little of men that we don't think they can handle a good career AND be nice people?

"So the outcome might be that you don't find anyone who suits? Is that so awful?"

Totally agree Morloth

I've been single for a while now and it's not because of kids (there are none) or anything else really except there's never been the right time or the offers I have had - strangely there have been a handful - haven't been right for various reasons.

Two things which are dealbreakers and have sabotaged some relationships I might have got into. First, there can't be kids - I am not maternal although I would definitely try my best to do everything right for the kid, but it's the other adults thing, where there's the kid's other parent (s) and your relationship with them, their DGP on that side - let's just say in my own family I have seen the extreme difficulties with that.

The other is if you're already in a relationship, no and fuck off. I do not care in the slightest if your "D"P "just doesn't understand me" or " doesn't seem to care any more" or "isn't the person I thought she was" especially when accompanied by woeful doe eyes or Daily Mail sadface. She is the person you are with, if you can't show her respect why should I think you will respect me? If you talk about her in such a bad and ignorant way, who for all I know is a great person (unlike yourself who are trying to talk me into a clandestine relationship) doesn't it show you have a bad and ignorant attitude? Why should I deliberately do something I know will hurt someone else, for reasons of nothing but selfishness?

(Er yeah, sorry about that. It's a bit fresh on my mind.)

Basically as I get older those two situations seem to be happening more and more. In the first I can't reconcile my life plans and in the second I can't reconcile my conscience, so what I might have to do is reconcile myself to dying alone and possibly being nibbled by the humungous cat army I will undoubtedly adopt As is said, there are worse things which happen at sea.

Someone who is substantially in debt due forbad reasons would be a complete nono for me

ICan. Here's a link to hedge fund description. Enjoy!

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedge_fund

Hmm, I've had partners with rubbish / no jobs and comparatively well off ones and the relationships where we were on a similar income and could both comfortably support ourselves financially were free of a lot of the stress that money worries put on relationships.

Bringing up children with no money would be a nightmare. I think the only women who don't have to consider this sort of thing when looking for a partner are those with exceptionally good jobs which can comfortably support the whole family.

I read that thing about hedge funds but don't get the relevance to this topic.

ICan. Running or working for a hedge fund is one of the more popular jobs in the world of finance and men who do this type of work are most likely to be well off or generate income quickly. So they have money.

So all I was saying is that hedge fund men tend to attract a particular type of hedge fund wife. It's really just city types...

Oh I see, sorry I thought you meant that by marrying a certain type of wife, you would get a hedge fund...

I don't think wealth is the least important quality in a man, no - but ambition and good earning prospects are important to me too. I don't see why that's unreasonable. And it's not because I can't earn a crust myself and want a man to support me but because I prefer a certain level of comfort and solvency and that's more achievable these days with both partners earning a good salary.

I wouldn't go out with someone who was an arse just because they were rich, though. That's just silly. Thankfully I don't have to, as DH miraculously manages to earn a good wage whilst still being intelligent, kind and capable of operating a hoover or washing machine.

since me and DP don't live together, him having no money doesn't bother me. yes, i would like to be spoiled but at the end of the day, money isn't everything at the moment. I couldn't care less if he is well off or not. I love him for him.
No one will hire DP because he has no experience, but at least he's off his arse working 17 and a half hours a week for his first job. He earns a little tiny bit less than me, and hasn't been paid yet and won't till next week. am I bothered? yes, because he is bothered about it, he wants the money he's worked hard for all month but i know i'm not going to see any of it. I'm going to have to wait to be spoiled. He's not been to uni, and we both come from council estates.
But he's everything to me, and his bank balance means nothing to me, yet. Whe we live together, then t;s my buisness but for now, no. It's a very unreasonable thing to ask of a man. All mine has to give me is what I see. And I couldn't care less.

Surely it's all relative? i.e. if you come from a modest background then someone who owns their own home/business might seem well off, but if you are from a wealthier background someone who doesn't have his own yacht might seem poor?! It's very hard to agree on what is well off these days - I read a book recently where the writer was describing a point in his life (he has since evaluated his existence) where he didnt know anyone who had less than 10 million dollars and couldn't understand how anyone managed on less!!

I think it's not so much about someone being "well off" as someone with similar financial values. It's doesn't matter whether that's broke or loaded - it's how well matched your values are in a relationship. I've been in relationships where I've early both less and more than partners - and have to say it's much easier when your earning power is fairly equal. I think studies have shown that the relationships that stand the test of time tend be those where the individuals come from similar backgrounds.

But maybe there is a deep seated animalistic instinct in women to look for a mate who will provide and if that translates into "well off" then yes, it is probably wise to have it nearer the top of any list than at the bottom.

I would rather have a partner who was pretty broke but had a passion in life than a trust fund brat who rarely lifted his arse off the sofa. I'm thinking specifically of an artist I used to know actually. He had a minimum wage part time delivery job that gave him a lot of free time to concentrate on his art (which was really good.)

Someone who is doing a job they love for not much money, is probably going to be a better partner than someone who is just focusing on having their own hedge fund by 40.

But that said, a lot of that 'women are just materialistic bitches' whining comes from men who have no intention of getting off the couch and doing anything with their lives, and they're pissed off that rescuing Princess Peach five times last week is not making ladies queue up outside their front door... A bit of get-up-and-go in life goes a long way!

It maybe depends on your age. I'm middle aged and if a bloke was pretty broke at my age I wouldn't want to be subsidising him. I think if you're not a successful artist by my age then you're unlikely to ever become one so keep art as a hobby and sort out a job that pays. Doing a job for love not money doesn't pay the bills, you should do a job that you enjoy and which pays enough to keep you and your family not expect your partner to subsidise your hobby. My husband would happily ditch his job and spend all day cycling and tinkering with bikes. he has 2 dependant kids (uni age) though and I have no idea to subsidise him being a man child.
I think if you want to live on the breadline then stay single and don't have kids. Then being poor just affects you.

""So the outcome might be that you don't find anyone who suits? Is that so awful?"

Well, I agree with this up to a point but I noticed it was written by a poster who described herself as having lucked out meeting her husband.

Decade after decade of being single can get lonely occasionally. (it comes and goes in waves). I am much more independent than the average married woman, but partly because I have to be.

You can still have fun though surely, I wouldn't start a serious relationship with someone who wasn't solvent but I would certainly date then!

I think if you want to live on the breadline then stay single and don't have kids. Then being poor just affects you.

This