To think being "well off" is the least important quality in a man?

[HollyGuacamolly]

I am single and pregnant and bitter but went for lunch with a group of friends (also single) and were discussing what qualities we want in a man; I was surprised that all of them listed "well off" as an important factor, but not one of them mentioned anything along the lines of kind/treats me with respect.

Is this standard attitude? Or do I hang around with gold diggers weirdos?

FWIW obviously I don't want someone who's shit with money and a total liability, but when assessing someone's potential as a new partner I can honestly say I don't take wealth into account.

that's lovely murasaki

It's about attitude Murasaki. My DH has had three bouts of therapy so his "sane" is more a willingness to put in the effort than it is about our reality. I wouldn't tolerate a vaguely depressed person who refused to see their GP but I have been very supportive partner to someone with major issues. Taking the tablets if that's what your DH needs ticks the box by my definition IYSWIM.

I wouldn't go so far as well off, but not crap with money is important.

DP isn't a vast earner (although working hard to improve this) but also isn't in debt, or daft about buying expensive stuff we can't afford. We have a good lifestyle because we're both good at living within our means, even though neither of us earn a great deal.

Obviously you'd want someone kind, funny, intelligent, sexy etc but solvent is important too.

If I was 18 I wouldn't give a shit. At over 30 I would expect them to be financially independent and able to handle their money. By that age I'd expect them to own their own home, have a car, be able to afford to eat out at restaurants and travel for pleasure. Otherwise, I'd be driving them around, putting a roof over their head and paying for both of us to enjoy ourselves or sitting at home pretending that I don't mind staying in again.

Luckily I have DH.

Constant money worry can corrode a relationship, I've seen it in my own parents. Financially stable, good career, steady & hard working were something I definitely looked for in a partner, having come from parents whow ere the opposite. That said I wouldn't expect anything from a partner that I wouldn't be prepared to do myself, and you can't value money above all else.

My uncle's favourite saying is "If money can't solve your problem, you've got a problem." (easy for him to say as he's v v wealthy!) but I think it's true - it doesn't matter how much money you have, it can't cure a broken heart, bring back a loved on who has died, resolve some health problems. You need to keep it all in perspective.

Yes it is an important quality. Of course you dont want to be a money grabber, but meet somebody who is supporting themselves, has a decent job, and is sensible with money.

I'm gay so it would be the qualities of a woman I would be looking at. Hardworking and motivated are a must for me. Sensible (ish) with money too I agree.

I'm with you OP, though 'able to hold down a job' would be on the list.

It's an important factor for me. I've had tough years, worked my arse off and turned things around, and I'm not going to risk my and my son's future on someone who can't hold down a steady job or manage to save anything at the end of the pay week.

I think it is just one aspect of compatibility. I enjoy travelling, so couldn't be with someone who thought that a theme park was exotic. I enjoy eating out and trying different foods, so someone who thought chinese takeaway was the height of culinary excellence would not be for me. I think that when you are getting older, considerations like this are actually important in choosing a partner. We've 'been there, done that' with the hot guy that caught our eye across the bar, but are now more realistic and sensible. I know that I rate looks far lower than I would have in my twenties, but financial stability, shared goals and common interests much higher. Perhaps I'm just aware that I'm much more set in my ways and less prepared to change merely for a relationship?

I did internet dating and met at around the same time a millionaire and a man who had just gone bankrupt. To me their relative wealth was not very important, although to be fair I was able to support myself. Far more important to me were personality, respect, kindness, general compatibility etc. DH was the bankrupt one!

I think it's only in recent years that it's become frowned upon for people to assess the financial worth of their prospective spouse. In years gone by people, especially women, had to be much more pragmatic.

Also, sane is an interesting one. He takes his tablets, so is nominally not sane, but as he takes them, is saner than I am who have no diagnosis, but am prone to the odd bout of madness (sefl harming, etc), so where do you draw the line?

If he's crazier than me, it's probably not going to work.

I agree to an extent. But if they do have MH problems they need to be under control. I can't be their support net if they go off the meds or refuse to help themselves.

solvent and generous is important.

my x was well off and it just made him entitled adn selfish.

I think good qualities are good humoured, good character, good company, good heart and maybe good looking wouldn't hurt.

It's attractive to have a vocation, some sort of direction for men and women.

I think after the age of 30 a clear idea of what kind of person one wants to be (not just bank balance/salary but things like physical fitness, hobbies, social life) is attractive.

Sometimes this is indicated in profession, sometimes not. That high flying corporate guy who is doing it because Mummy and Daddy wanted him to be Faux Upper Class isn't as attractive as someone who is putting the effort in to work at something he is genuinely passionate about and lives in a shared house.

But equally: someone who is clearly just looking for a mother/parent substitute to lead the interaction/direct him and lives in the world of the TV isn't that attractive. That feeling one sometimes gets from guys of having "settled" in life and being a bit resentful isn't that attractive to me.

So being "well-off" is a bit of a red herring.

hmmm I want to say YANBU.

But actually having grown up poor, really really poor.

'Well off' or at least ambitious and hard working did factor in to who I found attractive.

DH has always worked his arse off and he is really clever and TBH I could see that he would go far (and he has).

Money doesn't make me happy, but it takes away a lot of the sources of unhappiness.

I'm torn by this one. My dad is working-class, but by god he always worked hard for us, and was an amazing, involved dad, who also happens to be a DIY master, great cook, funny and considerate. When I was looking for a partner, these were the qualities foremost in my mind above what a potential partner did for a living. DH is all of those things and happens to be a high earner. Some might call bullshit, but if DH lost his job tomorrow, I wouldn't suddenly downgrade his potential as a partner. God, no.

I've been poor, so don't fear a lack of money, but I do fear a lack of compassion and togetherness in a partner.

The amount of wealth is not relevant to me, but his attitude to money is. I wouldn´t get on comfortably in a long-term relationship or living together with someone who felt that my spending was excessive, or whose spending I felt was excessive.

I would, however, look at how the man got the wealth he has (or doesn´t have). e.g. Inherited? Works hard? Earns good money but spends it all? Took out loans? These would give plenty of information about his overall character and attitudes and ultimately be part of what makes us compatible, or not.

I'd rather eat chips on the sofa with my fella, than revisit any of the posh restaurants I was taken to by exes. They were all flash pricks & my boyfriend is lovely! Money is low on my romance agenda...

There are as many poor pricks as there are rich pricks.

Yanbu.
A similar attitude towards life as you is helpful though, so if you are aspiring towards being 'well off' then someone who shares that aspiration would be quite important.
Similarly, if you hoped for other things in life and weren't as bothered by material wealth, then someone who valued wealth highly may not be the ideal partner.

'Well off' could mean self sufficient. Which is a complete must for me.

Gold digging obviously is worth of criticism.

I wouldn't want a man who either overspends OR is too tight with his money.

One male friend should be well off but he's missed mortgage payments in favour of paying for expensive concerts, festivals and holidays. All fun things, but a roof over his head is most important.

But one friend's husband is so tight he won't leave tips at restaurants (he can afford it too!) leaving me to pay the tips (and I definitely can't afford tips). It's embarrassing. He also won't pay for foreign holidays yet can afford them and my friend loves going abroad.

So attitude to money is very important to me.