Hi all
Thanks so much for posting last night as it made it easier to go to sleep.
I don't know what to do today.
I am supposed to be making a mask with both of my dds as they have a carnival at school tomorrow. Going to the supermarket, and maybe taking my Dad to the train station though he said yesterday that he doesn't want a lift. Also getting ready for school tomorrow uniform wise etc..
The problem is that being at home feels so awful that I would rather just take off by myself for the entire day somewhere. Not that that would help with all the things I am supposed to be doing like paperwork and clutter shifting that would also help my state of mind. But I can't do any of them as I feel anxious with permanent butterflies in my stomach.
H is very cross that I speak about him to other people and for him this is a big betrayal of trust (I think). However if he wasn't very difficult / unkind at times, then I would not have done that. It feels as if we are slowly disconnecting and the threads of our joint life are unravelling. He never comes to visit my Aunt with me and has just missed this wedding. I, on the other hand, was annoyed when he bought a property with his brother to do up so that they can sell it, as he barely consulted me and because it tapped into a lot of my issues re. h not trusting me to co-own our house with me etc.... So I never ask him about the work on this property as somehow I can't bring myself to.
One of his sisters has been really unpleasant and rude to me recently and is generally a draining sometimes toxic (though not always) person to be around. So I have decided that I cannot go and visit his family (who live two hours away) while she is around as the last incident left me feeling humiliated and belittled. The thing about that is that h was in the room when this happened and could have said something but didn't. He acknowledges that this sister can be difficult and that he too has had arguments with her, but thinks I should just go along and not have much to do with her. So it feels as if I have closed the door on visits to his family (though I did say I would go when she is away on holiday this summer). Maybe I should get over this but I do wonder what the point of my going there is when h spends most of his time on his computer or speaking to his Mum in a different language (nothing wrong with this as it is their language but he tends not to translate for me - she does speak English as well) not involving me in the conversation. So I naturally veer towards spending time with the sister in question who has 2 dc a similar age to my 3. However after the last incident I cannot do it at the moment.
So on the one side he has long decided not to come to visits to my extended family. On the other I (for different reasons) am feeling the same way about his. This definitely feels like unravelling.
The recent ostracism stems from this argument described in this thread. The good news is that h has now changed his tune re. taking dd to the doctor (which I would have done anyway but it is easier if he also thinks it is necessary as she is very defensive about it). Having got back from the wedding he was asking my ds about her (seeing as he is not talking to me 
) and I described what it was like while we were away and that my Aunt's partner had said that she urgently needed to see someone (which I think so too but h is not very respectful of my opinion). H agreed so I was happy about that.
What generally happens is that h will say something aggressive or hurtful (like the above) and I will withdraw out of hurt and sleep in a different bed as I feel odd lying next to someone who is capable of behaving in that way. However what I really would like is for h to apologise and or acknowledge the argument, which he never does. I think his outbursts are quickly forgotten by him and he then only sees the withdrawal (I might stop communicating for a while out of anger, but I do get over that relatively quickly compared to h, who will often sulk even when I consider that he was the one saying the damaging hurtful things 
).
I don't know, it's all a huge mess. I just can't bear another day of being ignored as I know is going to happen today. The energy drain I felt not long after getting back from the wedding where no one was ignoring me was quite something. After a while of him communicating only with the kids I suddenly felt depressed, sad and incapacitated. It's like being back at school where the nasty girls are excluding you. The same feeling. It also impacts on your self esteem as in the end you tend to think you must be the cause of the silence and lack of affection.
I don't know what I am trying to say. I think I have also damaged this relationship, but I would be ready to talk and heal and build. H however is very defensive and talking like this is almost impossible for him. He mainly lays the blame for everything at my feet citing various things (not all untrue but he never ever acknowledges the things he does which make our relationship difficult).
The situation with my daughter's current OCD (which has really escalated recently) is very stressful and sad. The distress she is feeling at the moment is considerable and I am finding myself being her reassurance as she doesn't talk about it to h. This is very draining, and the fact that I am then faced with the ostracism, makes every thing harder to bear. People have been saying that maybe she is expressing the anxiety present in the relationship between h and I which makes it even more urgent that h and I sort out our problems but this seems impossible.
wheresthelight h and I went to about 5 or 6 counselling sessions together two years ago but he then stopped coming. I have also had 2 years of counselling on my own. The thing about speaking to h about issues rather than other people is that it is impossible. He becomes defensive and angry very quickly. This feels emotionally suffocating. I think I do have issues which impact on our relationship but he definitely does too with an alcoholic father who left when he was 15 and with an acrimonious divorce from his first wife. He basically trusts nobody.
Apologies for the mammoth post. I suppose bottom line I find the way h behaves towards me sometimes completely unacceptable - using sarcasm / anger / rudeness, and this really impacts on how I feel about him, and makes me dig my heels in with regard to doing the things which he wants me to do.
I suppose that if there were expressed affection between us everything would be easier, but it feels a bit as if I am employed and that I have to do certain things in return for the roof over my head. H pours all of his affection into the children.
Must stop now as I am rambling...