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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to report this...concerned about a child

89 replies

lorneylou · 12/07/2014 22:39

I have never posted on this board before but really need some opinions, I've been thinking about this for a few days and really don't know what to do. (Could be long)
Have been in my current house for just over a year and there is a young mum who lives a few doors up (guessing about 20ish). She has a lovely DD who I think is about 2.5 and we used to see them very rarely. Any time I pass her, I always say hello and my DD says hello to hers, sometimes she answers sometimes she doesn't.

Recently, I have been passing her in the mornings when I'm putting my DD in the car to go to pre-school and shes normally going in or out of the house and I have noticed that her house is a bit of a state inside, papers lying on the floor, having to shove the door to get inside etc etc.
A few days ago, I passed her when she was going into her house, she had her DD on the back of her bike and was trying to get the door open, I walked past just as she did and the stench that came out was absolutely overwhelming! As she was trying to push the bike inside I saw what her house was really like inside, no carpets, no furniture, floors and walls absolutely filthy and covered in what looked like mud. Stuff lying everywhere, wires, cups, clothes and as far as I could see, she didn't even have anything to sit on. There literally was no space to walk on the floor.

I was horrified to be honest and it just broke my heart to think of her taking her little girl into the house.

I don't know anything about this mum and her DD apart from what other neighbours have mentioned but I am really concerned about them both living in that house.

There have been a few more things that have made me wonder....
A few weeks ago I was taking DD to pre-school and could clearly hear the child sreaming, really wailing from inside the house (windows open, curtains closed as usual). Her mum was screaming 'SIT DOWN' over and over again which was making her scream even louder. I took DD to school, came back about 30 mins later and it was still going on.

There seem to be two people who visit this mum regularly, considered by the neighbours to be her mum and grandmother. They seem to come and pick them both up and go out for the day. I have observed the DD standing on the footpath outside her house completley naked, not even a nappy or pants on while the visitors look in the boot of the car for clothes for the DD. I have also heard them banging on her front door for a good half hour while the DD cries until she answers the door.

Her direct neighbours mentioned to me that they were concerned for a while because the little girl cried all night for weeks on end but it has stopped now.

I must say, I feel awful for posting this and I feel so nosey for having watched them for the past few weeks but something just doesn't seem right. I haven't mentioned any of my concerns to anyone else on the street or tried to get more information as there is a lot of gossiping that goes on.

The way that I see it I have 3 options:

I can just mind my own business and stop being so nosey

I can try and strike up a conversation, maybe invite her and her DD over and try to be friendly and see if theres anything I can do to help. She seems to be a very private person though but she does look like she isn't taking care of herself either, she always seems really flustered when I speak to her

I can report this to someone because I am concerned about them both.

What would you do in this situation? My gut says I have to do something.

OP posts:
SugarMouse1 · 13/07/2014 13:21

I wouldn't be surprised if SS have already had reports about her.

I don't think they'll do anything if you report, tbh, but do it anyway for your own conscience, in case something happens.

For all the people saying befriend her, don't! you don't need someone like that in your life!!! She already has family anyway, it's not like she has no one.

At most, offer to look after the daughter sometimes, feed her good meals and give her some attention.

SiennaBlake · 13/07/2014 13:59

Every report is a piece in a jigsaw. One report can be the missing piece that begins action.

bubalou · 13/07/2014 16:07

An awful situation op but I agree with most people that you should report yes.

It's for the best and you are not to blame for any of it - you're trying to help.

Good luck. Smile

phantomnamechanger · 13/07/2014 16:23

the sad truth is there are loads of kids living in houses like that OP - kids thinking its normal to grow up in a home full of filth and clutter (and in some cases dog shit) - and some we only hear about when its too late and they are a tragic statistic. Not saying the little girl in this case is in any danger from her mum but she is certainly suffering neglect and they both need help.
we need to steer away from the "mind your own business" culture - it's everyone's business to look out for our children. if you can also befriend the mum, all the better.

my house is always dusty, never tidy, and we have too much clutter - toys books paperwork, but the kids are clean and the kitchen and bathroom cleaned at least weekly and there is not litter all over the floors - the level of untidiness you describe can't be fixed by a weekend of tidying & cleaning , she needs help.

phantomnamechanger · 13/07/2014 16:27

For all the people saying befriend her, don't! you don't need someone like that in your life!!!

i think that's very sad!

a friend may be Exactly what this struggling young mum needs. someone who will try to help her and not judge her as "someone like that" someone who won't make her feel like a worthless person - she may be depressed or just really struggling to run a home and be a single parent. so what if she has family? they don't seem to be helping. maybe this is a case of history repeating itself?

Deverethemuzzler · 13/07/2014 16:32

I usually hate the cries of 'report, report!' on every thread but this sounds like a case of neglect.

That doesn't mean she isn't nice and it sounds like her family are trying to help.

The only real route to help now is via SS so unless she gets on their radar her chances of any proper help are pretty slim.

Call SS tomorrow and tell them what you have seen.
Being visited by SS is horrible and traumatic but the child is living in filth and the mum needs help to sort this out.

Its fine to befriend her but as a means of sorting her out its not the best plan.

You can't clean up her house and give her parenting support. YOu can be a mate but not just because of this situation

LeoandBoosmum · 13/07/2014 17:49

Please don't think twice about reporting. The mother sounds like she needs help but, more importantly, the child could be at great risk. I'm wondering if you can ask for feedback so you know the mother and child have been visited but at the same time making sure the mother doesn't know you reported her. It's better to be safe than sorry imo.
Thanks for looking out for this child, and not looking the other way. Kids needs adults to look our for them...at that age especially they can't do it themselves :( Keep us updated.

LeoandBoosmum · 13/07/2014 17:52

Phantom, I'm less concerned about the dirt and clutter (bad in itself, yes) and more worried about the screaming the OP spoke about. I know kids can bawl and some are more prone to bawling than others, but the way the OP describes it it sounds unnatural. If the mum is not coping who is to say she's not taking her frustrations out on the child..? :(

Original poster
lorneylou · 13/07/2014 22:05

Just a quick update...have just spoken to ss. Told them everything that I have told you all and said how concerned I was. The lady on the phone was lovely, asked me a few questions and then said that she would leave it for the team in the morning and it will be followed up.

I am glad I have phoned now.

I haven't spoken to anyone else about this at all, except for on here yet two of my neighbours mentioned to me today about this mum. One of them, who lives opposite said he remembered the day she moved in because she caused a huge scene in the middle of the street screaming at her mum. He always avoids her because he thinks shes bad news.

I don't have much myself and often struggle and I have enough problems of my own but I could never avoid someone because I thought they would be hassle, especially if I thought they were strugglng to cope.

I don't want to be her best friend but I have no problems inviting her and her DD around for a cuppa and a chat. I live in a lovely area with friendly neighbours and maybe she would like to be a part of that. However, if she is abusing her DD, I will be the first one to raise hell over it!

SS didn't ask for my details but I would have given them if they had done. I wouldn't say anything about someone that I wouldn't say to their face. However, I don't think me marching over and telling her is house is filthy and her daughter is neglected would go down well, it definately wouldn't help her DD. I would be surprised if someone hadn't done this before. And besides, I think she needs more than help cleaning up, alot more and I am not the one to do this.

I would love to know what happens about this, I didn't ask if I could find out but I doubt it. I will keep my eye out though and my fingers crossed for a huge improvement for them both.

Thanks again everybody

OP posts:
tethersend · 13/07/2014 22:08

Well done, lorneylou.

Loopylala7 · 13/07/2014 22:09

I think you did the right thing

lostprince · 13/07/2014 22:10

Report. Sounds like she needs support.

icanmakeyouicecream · 13/07/2014 22:12

Forgive me if I am wrong but how can you see the state of her house from looking inside the front door?

arkestra · 13/07/2014 22:12

Good for you lorneylou - as far as I can see you've done the right thing

SiennaBlake · 13/07/2014 22:12

She's already explained that.

Well done, OP.

icanmakeyouicecream · 13/07/2014 22:13

Ps just seen you've spoken to someone. I don't know the ins and outs obviously, so if you feel something isn't right it's best to speak up. Hopefully it will come to nothing.

Roundbales · 13/07/2014 22:18

Well done.

Nancery · 13/07/2014 22:22

Well done

lostprince · 13/07/2014 22:28

Well done.

baskingseals · 13/07/2014 22:29

You did the right thing. Also feel you are right to try and help where you can, if you can.

LeoandBoosmum · 13/07/2014 22:29

Well done, Lorneylou, you definitely did the right thing.
Ps the only reason why I suggested trying to remain anonymous was to protect yourself. If she discovered it was you who reported her that could have repercussions for you (she may become violent etc...you just don't know).
I'm glad you reported the situation....you'd have worried endlessly otherwise and, not to sound melodramatic, but you may have saved a child.

Original poster
lorneylou · 13/07/2014 22:40

I do still feel a bit guilty and a bit nosey, but this has bothered me so much so couldn't just do nothing. Leo, I know what you are saying Smile.

Lets just hope they pay her a visit, give her the help that they both need and they are both happier. I would be delighted

OP posts:
CheckpointCharlie · 13/07/2014 22:52

Oh well done. The right thing to do and well done for trying to be a friend too. You are a lovely person Smile

2gorgeousboys · 13/07/2014 22:52

I think you did the right thing lorneylou.

Our next door neighbour (single man) has always lived in a house that looks a little derelict, it was like that when we moved in and he's never responded to conversation attempts etc.

Last Oct I heard screaming and shouting from his house though the night, so loud it kept us awake through thick stone walls, I called the police because I was worried about him. The police came round and ended up breaking in, the house was full of 'stuff' so much so that the fire brigade had to enter through an upstairs window to get him out. Our neighbour was in the midst of a mental breakdown and was hospitalised.

He came round a couple of weeks ago to thank us for intervening and getting him the help he needed. We have spoken more in the last few weeks than in 15 years of living next door.

I think what I am trying to say is that if she needs help she may be very grateful for the prompt and if not that poor little girl deserves help.

Selks · 14/07/2014 09:54

I find it a bit odd that social services did not ask your details. Surely the duty social worker today will need to ring you to get full details of your concerns, as you will have only spoken to the emergency duty team on Sunday. I'm a social worker and we would always ask for details of who is reporting the concerns in case we need to ring them back to clarify any points, even if we did agree to keep their name confidential.