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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to report this...concerned about a child

89 replies

lorneylou · 12/07/2014 22:39

I have never posted on this board before but really need some opinions, I've been thinking about this for a few days and really don't know what to do. (Could be long)
Have been in my current house for just over a year and there is a young mum who lives a few doors up (guessing about 20ish). She has a lovely DD who I think is about 2.5 and we used to see them very rarely. Any time I pass her, I always say hello and my DD says hello to hers, sometimes she answers sometimes she doesn't.

Recently, I have been passing her in the mornings when I'm putting my DD in the car to go to pre-school and shes normally going in or out of the house and I have noticed that her house is a bit of a state inside, papers lying on the floor, having to shove the door to get inside etc etc.
A few days ago, I passed her when she was going into her house, she had her DD on the back of her bike and was trying to get the door open, I walked past just as she did and the stench that came out was absolutely overwhelming! As she was trying to push the bike inside I saw what her house was really like inside, no carpets, no furniture, floors and walls absolutely filthy and covered in what looked like mud. Stuff lying everywhere, wires, cups, clothes and as far as I could see, she didn't even have anything to sit on. There literally was no space to walk on the floor.

I was horrified to be honest and it just broke my heart to think of her taking her little girl into the house.

I don't know anything about this mum and her DD apart from what other neighbours have mentioned but I am really concerned about them both living in that house.

There have been a few more things that have made me wonder....
A few weeks ago I was taking DD to pre-school and could clearly hear the child sreaming, really wailing from inside the house (windows open, curtains closed as usual). Her mum was screaming 'SIT DOWN' over and over again which was making her scream even louder. I took DD to school, came back about 30 mins later and it was still going on.

There seem to be two people who visit this mum regularly, considered by the neighbours to be her mum and grandmother. They seem to come and pick them both up and go out for the day. I have observed the DD standing on the footpath outside her house completley naked, not even a nappy or pants on while the visitors look in the boot of the car for clothes for the DD. I have also heard them banging on her front door for a good half hour while the DD cries until she answers the door.

Her direct neighbours mentioned to me that they were concerned for a while because the little girl cried all night for weeks on end but it has stopped now.

I must say, I feel awful for posting this and I feel so nosey for having watched them for the past few weeks but something just doesn't seem right. I haven't mentioned any of my concerns to anyone else on the street or tried to get more information as there is a lot of gossiping that goes on.

The way that I see it I have 3 options:

I can just mind my own business and stop being so nosey

I can try and strike up a conversation, maybe invite her and her DD over and try to be friendly and see if theres anything I can do to help. She seems to be a very private person though but she does look like she isn't taking care of herself either, she always seems really flustered when I speak to her

I can report this to someone because I am concerned about them both.

What would you do in this situation? My gut says I have to do something.

OP posts:
UsedToBeShirley · 12/07/2014 23:04

Report it. Report it tomorrow morning if you can.

Forget the fact that others are turning a blind eye, forget the gossip, forget the fact that you like the family. Report it. ASAP.

Something is wrong here. Report it.

naturalbaby · 12/07/2014 23:06

Phone the nspcc. Please report it.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 12/07/2014 23:06

A few days ago, I passed her when she was going into her house, she had her DD on the back of her bike and was trying to get the door open, I walked past just as she did and the stench that came out was absolutely overwhelming! As she was trying to push the bike inside I saw what her house was really like inside, no carpets, no furniture, floors and walls absolutely filthy and covered in what looked like mud. Stuff lying everywhere, wires, cups, clothes and as far as I could see, she didn't even have anything to sit on. There literally was no space to walk

I just can't see how you would get all that from just walking past one day.

stinkingbishop · 12/07/2014 23:07

Not that I'm doubting you OP...but how could you see so much through an open front door (you usually just get a glimpse of the hall/bottom of the stairs) to know there was no furniture at all/carpets/nothing to sit on? And how did you know the people were looking in the boot for clothes? Did they tell you? Or have I missed something?

AgentZigzag · 12/07/2014 23:08

It's only my opinion, but I wouldn't try to get involved in trying to support her or finding out more, although you have a responsibility to the child to speak up about any neglect you see, you're not responsible for the way the mum manages her life.

You could be biting off far more than you can chew by befriending her and offering support, a house doesn't get in that state overnight and without a host of other stuff going on. If she was a friend it'd be different, but you shouldn't feel you have to go in and sort her life out (not saying you've suggested doing that).

ChoccaDoobie · 12/07/2014 23:08

Report it asap. If the problem is that the house is very dirty and messy social services will probably offer some support to help her. I know someone that had this happen and the social worker was actually very kind. If it is more than that (and please tell them everything you've said here) then someone does need to intervene. I know it is a difficult thing to do but I have had to do it myself and even though I felt nervous I also felt as though I had definitely done the right thing.

Selks · 12/07/2014 23:09

I'm a social worker. Please do report this to social services OP. It sounds like this mum is struggling and children's services involvement is needed to stop this sliding into long term neglect.

Involvement of services would likely be a good thing for her; unless there were more serious issues that you've not seen then social services are likely to bring in family support to help this young mum sort out her home and parenting issues and ensure that the needs of the child are being met.

Please do phone children's services tomorrow. This mum and child needs intervention..if not things could get a whole lot worse.

FavaBeanPyramidScheme · 12/07/2014 23:10

Sad Report to social services. Very sad.

Original poster
lorneylou · 12/07/2014 23:13

Agent, no...I could not live with myself and this has kept me awake for the past few nights thats why I feel I have to do something.
I don't think her DD is in any immediate danger so I don't want to call the police but I do want to contact someone who can help her.
Her DD seems well fed, has warm clothes etc but but never looks happy, and neither does the mum. I kind of dread seeing them now as it breaks my heart.
My own DD is almost 4 and I can't remember the last time my house has been properly tidy, and my god she can cry and scream when she feels like it but this is something else.
I don't think that anyone has gotten involved before because we have a lot of neighbours who would rather have a good old gossip than sort the problem out.
I will contact SS on Monday morning, DD finishes pre-chool next week for the holidays so I will keep my eye out for her and try and strike up a conversation with her as I won't be battling to get my own DD into the car and rush off! I'm not very good at just striking up a conversation but I will try, there are a good few DCs on my street who will all be in and out of eachothers houses over the holidays, including my own and it would be lovely if her DD could join in.

OP posts:
linadee26 · 12/07/2014 23:15

Please report! I agree with sienna. No one should take risks with children and it's better that you report and they find nothing wrong than to ignore a potentially awful situation for this child. This lady may seem 'nice' but anything couldn't going on there.

FriendofDorothy · 12/07/2014 23:16

I would definitely report it. Someone needs to check things out and your information may be enough to get another professional through the door to assess the situation.

Beavie · 12/07/2014 23:18

I'm a student SW. Please don't feel bad about reporting her...contrary to popular belief social workers are not child snatching witches, their job is empower people to change their lives for the better. It really does sound like the mum is struggling and needs that intervention. I say this as someone who was a young mum who was really struggling for a while when my dd1 was young and I was suffering from depression, if anyone had seen the state of my house around that time they'd probably have been horrified. When you're in that situation though you don't have to clarity to know who to approach for help and you feel like you just have to deal with it yourself.

You're not 'grassing her up', you are helping her.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 12/07/2014 23:23

Beavie I've recently moved to an open plan office which SWs use. I couldn't agree more.

Original poster
lorneylou · 12/07/2014 23:25

Merry, I saw all this because our houses are old terraces....front door opens directly into the living area, which goes through to a long, skinny kitchen and then the bathroom....2 beds upstairs. She got off her bike and her DD was still in the seat on the back, she was trying to balance the bike and shove the door open. When she got the door open thats when the smell hit. I asked her if she wanted me to hold the bike and I did hold it as I was asking because it looked like it was going to fall over , she pushed the door wide open and I could see right through the house. I asked her if she wanted some help with getting it in over the step and she said no, so I didn't push it. I actually think she was quite embarassed and was trying to get inside before I passed.

Thanks for all the advice, I will call ss and explain. Have never had to do this before so will post an update.

OP posts:
SiennaBlake · 12/07/2014 23:26

Tbf to OP, that's what our houses are like. The door only has to be open a tiny bit and anyone passing can see right in.

littlebillie · 12/07/2014 23:29

Trust your instinct if she needs help she will get it and more importantly the child may need help.

ConstableOdo · 13/07/2014 04:49

The woman's not necessarily a bad person acting out of malice, but it does sound like she has a serious deficit in the amount of support that she has, and that she may be unable to cope with her present situation, and that conditions in her house are very far from being appropriate - I think you should ring the NSPCC as soon as you can, for the mum's sake as much as the child's.

rainbowfeet · 13/07/2014 06:04

Op it must be very worrying for you & I'd feel sad for the child but as you've heard from 2 SW by reporting it you may well be getting this mum the support she desperately needs. You are not phoning them to get her dd taken away perhaps her relatives are too scared to do so for that very reason.

I know 100% I would contact SS if I were in the same boat as you.

GermyElephant · 13/07/2014 06:16

OP... I had a conversation one day with someone who had been raised by parents who couldn't cope. Their house was dreadful. She always had nits. She didn't have any idea about how to keep herself hygienic.

Her parents loved her, they just neglected her awfully. Her life was grim. The authorities simply didn't notice.

She would have been so appreciative of someone contacting the local social work department.

CheerfulYank · 13/07/2014 06:21

Report. She needs help.

Justnapping · 13/07/2014 07:01

Please report this. Poor wee girl :-(

limon · 13/07/2014 08:10

I'm amazed you are asking if you should report it. Of course you should!

comedycentral · 13/07/2014 08:23

Call NSPCC helpline and tell them what you told us

Original poster
lorneylou · 13/07/2014 12:55

limon, I am asking as I get the feeling this this mum is struggling and is very isolated, the last thing I want to do is make her feel like people are turning against her and talking about her. She seems embarassed about her situation and I don't think that she will appreciate a visit from ss.

There is a small part of me that wonders if there is anything awful going on in her house too and I worry that someone calling ss will make her take it out on her DD.

However, they both need help and I can't just turn a blind eye. I am babysitting today so I am going to phone the NSPCC later when we have less noise and I will speak to ss tomorrow morning.

I have tried to speak to her twice this morning, both times shes just turned and ran inside Sad

OP posts:
Needaninsight · 13/07/2014 13:02

Just because someone has no money, doesn't mean they have to live in squalor. Soap is £1. Dettol spray the same.

We don't have a lot, my DD has virtually no toys compared to others her age, but we don't live as you've described. Personally, I grew up in a house with no carpet and no much furniture, but we were washed and well cared for.

Please report OP. This poor little girl (and the poor mum). They both need support.