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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not let my newborn DD stay with her dad for a week?

87 replies

Dandybella · 10/07/2014 15:37

I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant.

My partner is a psychological bully and a control freak, which naively I have only just paid any proper attention to and I have subsequently left our home after a series of incidents and arguments and come to my mums house 50 miles away from him. We have not split up as such, although it would very much appear as the situation deepens that it will end up that way. Which I'm not even sad about. I am since feeling a lot calmer and more relaxed and looking back I should have done this a year ago. But I didn't and here we are.

We have been discussing arrangements about what will happen when she's born so that he can see her. I've said he's welcome to come here every day if he so wishes, and that when I've got to grips with new-motherhood I will happily take her to his flat to see him and his family. This is not good enough by his standards, and he wants to have her on his own for the 2nd week of her life.

I'm planning on breastfeeding so no idea how he reckons he's going to get around that one, and he has absolutely no experience of babies or children and has never even changed a nappy. He asked me a while ago why I had bought a baby bath, and when I explained the obvious, said 'we don't need one of those, we'll just take her in the shower with us.'

He is making me feel absolutely terrible about saying no to him taking her, and will not let it slide. AIBU?

OP posts:

HSMMaCM · 11/07/2014 05:51

I agree with not telling him when you go into labour and not even mentioning registering the birth.

londonrach · 11/07/2014 06:14

Someone (ignoring the bully but etc) wants a week old breast feed baby for one week without the mother......shocked. Yanbu.....

EarthWindFire · 11/07/2014 07:09

Please seek legal advice about registering the birth and maintenance personally I'd feel very uncomfortable denying him his parental rights but taking his money

I'm afraid I agree with this. Please see a solicitor and see where you stand.

ImperialBlether · 11/07/2014 09:48

I just don't understand why you are letting him anywhere near you when you are in labour.

It does sound as though he thinks you're still together and you think that really you've separated. Does he just think you're visiting your parents?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 11/07/2014 10:06

Please seek legal advice about registering the birth and maintenance personally I'd feel very uncomfortable denying him his parental rights but taking his money

Its not rights its responsibility, I.e to pay for the child's upkeep and not demand to have a week old breastfeed baby for a week without its mother. Its about whats best for the child, not the bullshit rights the father thinks he has. He has to be responsible, that includes stopping his bullying bullshit to the mother.

OxfordBags · 11/07/2014 10:34

OP, you have done so well getting away from this loser, but you need to keep disengaging more. Firstly, you need to officially split up with him, and make the situation clear.

Like others say, don't have him at the labour. You need someone to be fully supportive and mature, not some fool who'll bugger off just when you need the help the most.

Don't put him on the birth certificate. An abuser like him is not fit to be a parent. To put him on will be giving a bully, control freak and abuser extra rights to access to your child. That man does not deserve it, and your child should not have to tolerate him in his or her life. The abuse of mothers is abuse of children, so all men who abuse mothers automatically forfeit at least the moral right to be involved with the DC.

He has no legal right to be present at the birth, or to make you put his name on it (at this stage, at least).

The very fact that he's insisting on having the newborn for the whole 2nd week of its life shows that he is utterly self-centred to a worrying degree. He is thinking about only HIS wants and needs. If he had given the baby even 1 second of consideration, he'd accept, however grudgingly, that a baby needs to be with their mother. It would be so traumatising for the baby.

Good luck, he sounds a complete wanker.

HappyAgainOneDay · 11/07/2014 11:48

Puppies and kittens are not allowed to be taken from their mothers until they are about 8 weeks old. Why should babies be any different? Very young children need their mothers. Common sense anyway says don't let him have the baby because he'll finish up controlling her as well as you.

TheSameBoat · 11/07/2014 12:02

How does he expect you to express enough milk for a week? And does he not know how it will affect your milk production to be apart from your baby for such a length of time.

Be firm OP and develop a tough outer shell as far as he's concerned because it sounds like you're going to need it.

Oldraver · 11/07/2014 12:27

Maintenance without him being on the birth cert would mean a paternity test. Which he would have to agree to.

No it doesn't. CSA (or whatever they are now) presume parentage, its up to the presumed father to challenge it if they so wish which would then lead to a DNA test, which he has to pay for. Its amazing that some men suddenly dont want to demand a DNA test when they know they have to pay for it

WanderingTrolley1 · 11/07/2014 12:29

By just reading the first couple lines of your post, I can say no, yanbu.

AirConditioningIsMyFriend · 11/07/2014 12:31

Defintiely don't let baby go to him.
You don't have to tell him you are in labour or have him in the hospital. Well done for telling your midwife, also tell them that if he turns up at the hospital you don't want him there. Midwife should have some useful advise on Monday

IAmNotAMindReader · 11/07/2014 18:48

Having someone with you in labour with whom you have a fraught relationship which is stressful for you is not a good thing. It can make you tense up and be in more pain as well as making progress slower for you. Have a birth partner who can support you. If there is noone then it's fine to rely on the midwives rather than someone who likes to control and bully you. There are those here who have regretted letting an ex or almost ex be part of the birth but few have reported regretting not having them present.
To support you they need to be emotionally in tune with your needs and listening and watching your body language to see if you need assistance but can't vocalise it. Could he look beyond himself and honestly do that for you? If he wouldn't notice or would but would either do nothing or make things worse by telling you you should be doing things differently then don't let him near you in labour you are to vulnerable at that time.

Allow him supervised contact only during the first few weeks. An hour or half hour here and there when you feel more yourself. If you feel he will bully you stay in another room and have a friend or relative supervise him. Do not put him on the birth certificate, yes he can apply for it later at which point you need to apply for residency which clarifies you as the main caregiver should he refuse to return your child. Most of thus is worst case scenario planning but it is easier to have it in place and not need it than have an issue which may end up being not as clear cut as you think.

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