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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let my newborn DD stay with her dad for a week?

87 replies

Dandybella · 10/07/2014 15:37

I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant.

My partner is a psychological bully and a control freak, which naively I have only just paid any proper attention to and I have subsequently left our home after a series of incidents and arguments and come to my mums house 50 miles away from him. We have not split up as such, although it would very much appear as the situation deepens that it will end up that way. Which I'm not even sad about. I am since feeling a lot calmer and more relaxed and looking back I should have done this a year ago. But I didn't and here we are.

We have been discussing arrangements about what will happen when she's born so that he can see her. I've said he's welcome to come here every day if he so wishes, and that when I've got to grips with new-motherhood I will happily take her to his flat to see him and his family. This is not good enough by his standards, and he wants to have her on his own for the 2nd week of her life.

I'm planning on breastfeeding so no idea how he reckons he's going to get around that one, and he has absolutely no experience of babies or children and has never even changed a nappy. He asked me a while ago why I had bought a baby bath, and when I explained the obvious, said 'we don't need one of those, we'll just take her in the shower with us.'

He is making me feel absolutely terrible about saying no to him taking her, and will not let it slide. AIBU?

OP posts:
HavantGuard · 10/07/2014 18:34

You do know that you don't have to have him in the hospital when you give birth?

Sparklypants · 10/07/2014 18:40

Um....NO! If he has a problem with this tell him to get a solicitor. There's not a court in the land that would make you hand over your newborn, not even to their father.

Sorry if I've repeated anything, I've not been able to read the whole thread.

3littlefrogs · 10/07/2014 18:42

I honestly don't think maintenance is worth the trouble this man will cause.

CrimeaRiver · 10/07/2014 18:44

Wow. Don't put him on the birth certificate? Is he not the father? Do you really hold the unilateral power to decide on his and your daughter's behalf, potentially forever more, what his legal status is? You learn something new every day on MN.

As for leaving your DD with him for the second week, just ignore him. He clearly doesn't know what he is talking about, but will very soon. I'd say by the end of the second or third day of her life. Just give vague, non-commital replies for now, and don't give it any headspace. This is totally about marking his space in your life (not his child's, given how little a clue he seems to have about it), probably out of anger at you taking charge of your life and leaving him. Like most things to do with relationships, it's a power struggle. You don't need to give it any time, you have nothing to feel defensive of. The baby needs and wants you more than him right now and for the near future, I can promise you that without knowing you and without the baby even being born yet.

Sparklypants · 10/07/2014 18:50

Maintenance without him being on the birth cert would mean a paternity test. Which he would have to agree to.

My advice would be to not have him in the delivery room with you. You don't want to be thinking about him then, it's about you and your baby. In an ideal world it should be about him too, but he's ruined that by being a bully.

You don't have to register the birth straight away so don't worry about that for a couple of weeks.

Get a solicitor.

Good luck Thanks

CharmQuark · 10/07/2014 18:58

It isn't about the practicalities, the feeding, the nappy changing (though those are important) it's that no one, NO ONE thinks newborns or small babies should be separated from their mothers unless there is an absolutely unavoidable reason.

Your instinct as well as your common sense tells you that . If you feel a need to justify it, or guilt , he has you under his emotional and psychological thumb.

A week after the birth you will be highly emotional and no way should your baby be taken to live somewhere else for a week.

I agree with other posters: keep him at as much if a distance as possible. And only people you trust and feel completely comfortable with should be with you during labour and birth.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/07/2014 19:39

Why the hell are you having him at the labour! You know he doesent have to be present.

HaroldLloyd · 10/07/2014 19:42

I would second getting legal advice.

He can apply to the court for parental responsibility so putting him on the birth cert would only delay this if he applied for it,

However there is no way on gods earth you would be required to hand over a newborn breasted baby for the second week of it's life.

Say no firmly and repeat.

ThingyTheBusCleaner · 10/07/2014 19:46

Christ no.

Do nothing at all, cut contact.

Let him go to a solicitor himself if he wants to see his Baby.

mulberrylover · 10/07/2014 19:49

OP I'm going to PM you- I've been through similar myself.

Pimpf · 10/07/2014 19:51

He doesn't have to be at the birth either. You'll be the one in labour, you get to decide who is with you, nit him. Don't tell him, he'll never know.

Don't think I'd tell him once the baby was born either, but that might that nit be the right thing.

ChasedByBees · 10/07/2014 19:54

Wow. Don't put him on the birth certificate? Is he not the father? Do you really hold the unilateral power to decide on his and your daughter's behalf, potentially forever more, what his legal status is? You learn something new every day on MN.

Actually yes, OP does if they're not married. She is legally allowed to leave that space blank. If his name was in that space, he would, as someone else has already said, be allowed to remove the baby from its mother and only a court order could force the return.

She can acknowledge him as the father (although doing this makes it very easy for him to get added to the birth certificate IIRC) but having him on there would give him a huge amount of power. We already know he is abusive and OP will be in a vulnerable state. Better to buy herself some breathing room and leave him off.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 10/07/2014 20:04

Unless they go to registrar together OP can't put him on cert.

Don't have him at labour OP.

HermioneWeasley · 10/07/2014 20:05

Don't tell him when you go into labour. Having loving (but incompetent ) birth partners can inhibit labour, let alone a controlling bully.

And, as everyone has said, don't put him on the birth certificate and only let him visit on your terms when you've just given birth.

shitatusernames · 10/07/2014 20:07

Haven't read full thread yet, my DD is 8 days old, and I'm still having midwife's coming out to me, think they do up until 10 days old then it's the health visitor, he is being totally unreasonable in his demand and only thinking of himself, if he cared that much he would not be making these demands on you or your baby.

paddlenorapaddle · 10/07/2014 20:14

What a terrible situation stick to your guns about the second week

Are you married ? Or just partners

Please seek legal advice about registering the birth and maintenance personally I'd feel very uncomfortable denying him his parental rights but taking his money

Focus instead on bonding with your newborn enjoy your time and try not to let this awful man spoil it for you

Monopolice · 10/07/2014 20:16

You need legal advice because if you do put him on the BC immediately and there is no residence order, what would stop him being able to take her if in the eyes of the law he is an equal parent? Without the PR that comes with being on the BC, how many rights does he have (until it's established)?

Koothrapanties · 10/07/2014 20:28

Wild horses couldn't have got my dd away from me as a newborn. I think you will be shocked at how strongly you will need your baby near you. It is complete instinct. It will simply not be possible without you feeling like you are being ripped in two.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 10/07/2014 20:29

YANBU
Call women's aid.
Good luck with your beautiful baby.

Droflove · 10/07/2014 20:32

I think that if breastfeeding is your plan then he needs to wait till it is at least well established (around 6 weeks) before he can take baby for more than an hour or so. Assuming he is not a danger to this child, I think he should be able to take the baby overnight once it is possible for him to feed it himself. He is the father and I believe parents should have equal rights (assuming neither is a danger to the child). But thats just me, society in general doesn't support that.

fedupbutfine · 10/07/2014 20:36

If you do see a solicitor remember to ask about child maintenance. If you don't put him on the birth cert. I'm not sure if you can claim maintenance from him.

Maintenance without him being on the birth cert would mean a paternity test. Which he would have to agree to.

Please ignore all this....however well-meaning, it is all wrong.

a) You are not married which means you will need your partner/ex partner present when you register the birth to have him named as the father.

b) If you would prefer not to have him near you (which sounds like a sensible plan), just don't tell him when you're registering the birth. If he cares that much, he can go to court. Assuming neither of you suggests there may be a paternity issue, a judge will grant him parental responsibility to be named on the birth certificate. If there is a suggestion of non-paternity, the judge would order a DNA test to sort the matter. This would be a private test - around £600 which one (or both) of you would have to pay for. It is likely the judge would order who pays and how much.
c) You do not need him to be on the birth certificate to be able to make a claim for child maintenance via the CSA.
d) There is no automatic paternity testing by the CSA if a man named by the mother as the father of her child doesn't happen to also be on the birth certificate. In fact, it is possible to be on the birth certificate and still have the CSA order a DNA test. Essentially, you make a claim, the CSA contact him and ask if he's the father. If he says yes, they set up payments. If he says no, he's automatically agreeing to a DNA test. If he fails to respond to the relevant paperwork, he will be deemed the father without the DNA test ever taking place. If you fail to respond to relevant paperwork, it will be deemed that your ex isn't the father and no maintenance will be awarded.
e) The cost of a 'successful' DNA test is pushed onto the maintenance payer (at about half the cost of a private test). I am not sure if the CSA pursues the PWC for payment for the test if it is 'unsuccessful' but the NRP wouldn't pay in that situation.

Don't let the baby out of your sight, not for a second. It may well take a court order to get her back if he walks away with her as the police see it as a court issue and very, very rarely intervene and would only likely do so if the baby were obviously at risk when with him. If he's living with mum and the police see them with nappies, bottles, milk and somewhere safe to sleep, they won't take the baby away from him, regardless of the birth certificate situation. Please be careful.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 10/07/2014 20:40

No court is going to make your new baby stay with its father.

GatoradeMeBitch · 10/07/2014 21:51

If I were you I would be minimizing contact with him now. Don't tell him your hospital date if you get one, don't tell him when you go in - you can text him afterwards and say it all happened too quickly. Register the birth as soon as you are able and again, don't mention anything about it to him. It's better he do the hoop jumping than you. From now on protect yourself, then protect your baby.

MexicanSpringtime · 11/07/2014 04:02

Droflove

I sympathise with your pro-father stance, but... the OP can allow this man to be the father without having him on the birth cert.
I didn't put my daughter's father on the birth cert as I didn't trust him to be fair to me but I did, in every other way, acknowledge him as the father.

Chottie · 11/07/2014 04:28

Please do not be bullied by this man, your baby needs to be with you.

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