Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to not let my newborn DD stay with her dad for a week?

87 replies

Dandybella · 10/07/2014 15:37

I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant.

My partner is a psychological bully and a control freak, which naively I have only just paid any proper attention to and I have subsequently left our home after a series of incidents and arguments and come to my mums house 50 miles away from him. We have not split up as such, although it would very much appear as the situation deepens that it will end up that way. Which I'm not even sad about. I am since feeling a lot calmer and more relaxed and looking back I should have done this a year ago. But I didn't and here we are.

We have been discussing arrangements about what will happen when she's born so that he can see her. I've said he's welcome to come here every day if he so wishes, and that when I've got to grips with new-motherhood I will happily take her to his flat to see him and his family. This is not good enough by his standards, and he wants to have her on his own for the 2nd week of her life.

I'm planning on breastfeeding so no idea how he reckons he's going to get around that one, and he has absolutely no experience of babies or children and has never even changed a nappy. He asked me a while ago why I had bought a baby bath, and when I explained the obvious, said 'we don't need one of those, we'll just take her in the shower with us.'

He is making me feel absolutely terrible about saying no to him taking her, and will not let it slide. AIBU?

OP posts:

edamsavestheday · 10/07/2014 16:56

Don't offer daily visits either, you will be knackered and vulnerable after giving birth, not least because of sleep deprivation. Which has a very real effect on functioning and judgement.

Last thing you need is a stupid or arrogant bully who has no idea of the needs of a baby hassling you every day.

I'd offer a visit but definitely NOT every day!

SquigglySquid · 10/07/2014 16:58

Yes, set up weekends where he can visit. But not everyday. Also, he's out of his mind to take a two week old baby for a week.

I'd tell him no, let him know when he can visit. If he refuses to do it on your terms, it's his loss. Not yours.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 10/07/2014 16:59

Good God no! YADNBU.

No reasonable person in their right mind would even THINK this, never mind suggest it. It's all about control.

Please, please, PLEASE don't allow yourself to be pushed into this. Even if you don't bf. It is not normal and is completely unreasonable downright cruel.

I'm not that maternal and I couldn't bear to be away from my baby for an hour in the early weeks.

He doesn't sound like he has anyone's best interests at heart but his own. Please don't indulge him here.

CruCru · 10/07/2014 17:00

Perhaps it would be worth getting in touch with Womens Aid? They may have some advice.

Mouthfulofquiz · 10/07/2014 17:02

This is absolutely insane! I am breastfeeding my little 10 week old as I write this. I've fed him 6 times since 7am. There is no way I could have built up enough expressed milk to feed him if I wasn't around. You won't be able or want to leave the baby with someone else - and you should insist that this can't happen. If you leave the baby for a week then breastfeeding is likely to fail as it will be such early days. If he doesn't know what a baby bath is for, how the hell would he cope with making up formula and sterilising bottles!!
You can't underestimate the need you will have to be close to your new baby. And your baby needs YOU.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 10/07/2014 17:06

Certainly do not put him on the birth certificate. If he turns out to be father of the year, you can agree parental rights then.

But, on the face of it, it does not look like he is heading in that direction at all.

It would reflect very badly on you if you let him take the baby away to look after by himself at a week old and it did not go well - not that you are doing that. You would have to sort out check ups in different places and people would be alerting SS all over.............

Get a plan in place that protects you and the baby and is not just about him.

ChasedByBees · 10/07/2014 17:12

I think you can have a free half hour or something with a solicitor - it might be worth seeking legal advice about how he could apply for parental rights and what that means.

He is being utterly clueless if he thinks that you can take a newborn from its primary carer. Is it just cluelessness do you think or does he just not care about the babies needs?

basgetti · 10/07/2014 17:16

Don't put him on the birth certificate. Yes he can go to court to get PR but you don't have to make it easy for him in the meantime, and him not having PR immediately gives you a bit of breathing space whilst your DD is so tiny. If you did put him on the birth certificate there would be nothing to stop him removing the baby from your care and the police would be powerless to return her without a court order. Considering he already thinks it is reasonable to remove her for a week there is no way you should risk it.

ImperialBlether · 10/07/2014 17:24

Is he planning on being there at the birth, OP?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/07/2014 17:31

Sorry you have this extra stress. He does not have the right to use contact as a way to control your life.

ChasedByBees I was wondering too about whether one can still have up to half an hour of free legal advice. Preferably from a family law specialist.

Write up anything that makes you concerned about his behaviour and take it with you.

whatsagoodusername · 10/07/2014 17:32

Absolutely you are NOT BU.

And be sure his visits to the baby are on your terms, at your specified times, and for acceptable durations for YOU. If he just turns up, don't let him in.

LastTango · 10/07/2014 17:33

My partner is a psychological bully and a control freak

I didn't bother to read the rest of the post after ^^l. Why are you even giving it headspace?

ImperialBlether · 10/07/2014 17:54

Why didn't he move out of the house?

Delphiniumsblue · 10/07/2014 17:58

Mad idea! Tell him you are breast feeding- end of.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 10/07/2014 18:01

OP do not feel pressurised to allow him at the birth - he is not legally entitled, and you are well within your rights to invite into a labour ward a person or two of your choosing.

Whether you bf or ff, a one week old baby should be in the 24 hour care (pretty much) of their primary carer.

Whether he jas hever changed a nappy or held a newborn is irrelevant as there are lots of first time mother ws who have never. Not saying you should allow him to take the baby - just that these points arent valid within your argument.

Finola1step · 10/07/2014 18:08

Lots of good advice in this thread Dandy. Just a thought.. If you are going to seek legal advice, do it ASAP. It sounds obvious but once baby is here, you will have very little time to have such conversations.

Do it in the next week so that you can sit and discuss your situation without the distraction of a newborn.

Original poster

Dandybella · 10/07/2014 18:18

He said he'll be there throughout the early labour, but when it comes to the pushing he'll be leaving the room as the thought of it makes him queasy. Humph.

And thinking about it I don't have a lot of experience with babies either, so it was maybe a bit unfair to use that as a black mark against him. I just think that if I ever did let him have her on his own, which I'm definitely not planning on doing, he would panic and go to his sisters and let her do the caring for him. He has absolutely no idea what to expect, and has made no effort to prepare himself either.

Some really good advice here, things I hadn't even thought of, so thank you!

OP posts:

ImAlpharius · 10/07/2014 18:18

YANBU. Baby won't have been discharged from the MW at one week and during the second week there are usually HV visits and the newborn hearing test.

jellybeans · 10/07/2014 18:19

It's almost taboo to say it these days but little babies need their mothers!! Short visits with dad is better (your house at first). Don't give in. It should be about the baby's rights not the dads.

EarthWindFire · 10/07/2014 18:20

If you do see a solicitor remember to ask about child maintenance. If you don't put him on the birth cert. I'm not sure if you can claim maintenance from him.

Just a thought

Monopolice · 10/07/2014 18:28

How will he know you are in early labour? You don't have to tell him, you don't have to have him there.

How are your parents at realising he's completely lost the plot here? You are going to need gatekeepers that are not easily intimidated.

Glastogirl · 10/07/2014 18:30

This may sound awful but can you just tell him the baby isn't his and just get rid of him out your life for good?

Glastogirl · 10/07/2014 18:31

Also, don't tell him when you're in labour!

3littlefrogs · 10/07/2014 18:32

Don't put him on the birth certificate.
Tell your midwife.
Tell your HV and GP.
It takes a minimum of 6 weeks to establish breast feeding.
He is an ignorant bully.

3littlefrogs · 10/07/2014 18:33

Why would you want an ignorant bully as your birth partner?

Flip

1 2 3 4