to be v angry with husband....

[Lenochka12]

So to make a long story short, my 7 yo dd had a small accident at a party when someone hurt her eye with a nerf gun bullet and after we got worried it might have affected her vision and asked her if anything's blurry, she has been saying (when asked) that she can't see well from that one eye. My dh took her to see an ophthalmologist twice (!) with the second one actually dilating her pupils and both said there was no sign of damage and she could read the chart fine but if it still wasn't better to bring her back....my dh tends to overreact with things like that and I find it really annoying because I don't think there is anything wrong with her eye ( and I'm the mother!) anyway, this evening, while reading her a book she mentioned that daddy made her make a pinky promise about smth saying that she's not allowed to tell anyone about it, inc me!!!! I started asking her more questions about it and all she could say was that it had something to do with her eye and that if she told me Id be cross and then she got upset as she realised I was getting cross anyway... I'm so furious at my dh for teaching her to have secrets from me! I also heard her tell him later when she got into her bed that mummy is sad because she told me there was a secret between them and still he hasn't said a word to me...am I the only one who feels totally betrayed in such situation and let down by him? Is it just my PMS? Help please. This is my first post btw so hope it's ok.

Its not healthy for your daughter to know she has to lie to you to keep this secret. It creates a conflict in her which she may be at odds over. Look what happened to the HAL9000 computer in 2001:A Space Oddesey when it had to with-hold secrets and lie to its human counterparts. You dont want to be putting your daughter in the same situation.

Landrover That sounds like a good way of allowing your child to confide in you whatever the secret.

Yes, we have also always said that telling mummy or daddy about a promise/secret doesn't count as 'breaking' the promise, as mummy and daddy's are special.

We also differentiate between secrets I.e don't tell mum about the glasses wtf and surprises I.e. Don't tell mum what we have got her for christmas, where the plan is always for the other person to find out in the end.

He didn't want her to tell you because he knew it was a bloody stupid thing to do. If he wears glasses he really should know better than to think some random pair of glasses might help her see.

I would take her to the opticians yourself because he sounds incapable of understanding what they are telling him

Haklu who is coming from that perpective? No one on this thread is, are you?

The thing is with children is that they are easily manipulated by adults, and vulnerable to potential abusers by bunt of their innocence.

They understand clear, simple rules, which don't have exceptions and blurriness and 'oh it's fine if it X' etc.

By creating a situation where the child has been taught by the very people they trust the most, that it's actually fine for an adult to demand them to keep secrets from a parent. Well, err, doesn't take a genius to realise that puts a child in a confusing and potentially vulnerable position.

It's about minimising risk.

It's one of the most basic ways to keep your child safe.
Child protection 101.

Oh and not to mention undermine the mothers position in the family, creating sides and making a child join in an adult disagreement. Basically, its a rubbish thing to do and I hope he gets over himself and starts being a proper grown up.

Hi everyone and thank you all for your posts! Spoke to husband last night and he was v apologetic and said he was only trying to not make me cross and he didn't see it as anything wrong cos he just said, don't tell mummy about the glasses, and my daughter said Lets make a pinky promise (apperently from a film she watched!) he said it wasn't anything he would ever say (in ref to pinky promise).. this morning first thing he did was tell our daughter about not keeping secrets from either parent. And yes it was all about her trying on some glasses for him to see if she says it makes her eye better (in other words he was trying to see if she was making it up about the eye as had there been any damage from the nerf gun it wouldn't have made any difference iykwim) He is OTT about the health in general which annoys me which is why he was trying to hide it from me....

Glad you got it sorted out.

your last post sounds very reasonable, i would believe it and be happy

Of course you tell your child they never have to keep a secret. But if you are starting from the position that your child's other parent is a potential abuser, then how on earth can you function as a family?

i presume everyone but me is a potential abuser, this doesn't mean I am crazy and never leave my kids alone with anyone but me, but I am sure that there are communication channels and this is understood, but i couldn't explain "dark and alone" to my child when he was pre school, so it was ALL secrets.