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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be v angry with husband....

84 replies

Lenochka12 · 09/07/2014 22:57

So to make a long story short, my 7 yo dd had a small accident at a party when someone hurt her eye with a nerf gun bullet and after we got worried it might have affected her vision and asked her if anything's blurry, she has been saying (when asked) that she can't see well from that one eye. My dh took her to see an ophthalmologist twice (!) with the second one actually dilating her pupils and both said there was no sign of damage and she could read the chart fine but if it still wasn't better to bring her back....my dh tends to overreact with things like that and I find it really annoying because I don't think there is anything wrong with her eye ( and I'm the mother!) anyway, this evening, while reading her a book she mentioned that daddy made her make a pinky promise about smth saying that she's not allowed to tell anyone about it, inc me!!!! I started asking her more questions about it and all she could say was that it had something to do with her eye and that if she told me Id be cross and then she got upset as she realised I was getting cross anyway... I'm so furious at my dh for teaching her to have secrets from me! I also heard her tell him later when she got into her bed that mummy is sad because she told me there was a secret between them and still he hasn't said a word to me...am I the only one who feels totally betrayed in such situation and let down by him? Is it just my PMS? Help please. This is my first post btw so hope it's ok.

OP posts:
Brabra · 10/07/2014 04:08

It sounds like you completely over reacted about a childhood accident. Maybe that is why they are keeping things from you.

SquigglySquid · 10/07/2014 04:44

Show him this thread.

Why is this always the default answer to problems here? If me and my husband were bickering, I wouldn't give a rats ass what someone on the internet had to say about it.

But YANBU, he shouldn't be telling her to keep secrets like that. She is not to be a prop in his deception. You need to talk to him, then talk to her and tell her that she is not allowed to keep secrets from you.

SquigglySquid · 10/07/2014 04:49

He was watching football... He said he was trying to see if his glasses would help her see better and didn't want her to tell me as it would annoy me.... So he told her to promise to not tell mummy...

Really, it sounds like she took it way more seriously than he meant it. He probably meant it as a white lie, don't mention it. She being a child saw it as this big thing she must carry to the grave.

Which is exactly why you don't do that to kids.

He needs to understand that doing something like that puts unnecessary pressure on her. She needs to be taught that adults don't tell children to keep secrets. Ever. Also inform her that any secret she tells on will NEVER be held against her or get her in trouble.

It's more worrying that she actually kept a secret from you instead of telling you. She needs to know it's ok to "tattle" on mommy and daddy.

VeryStressedMum · 10/07/2014 06:00

He made her pinky promise not to tell anyone including her mother that she tried on a pair of glasses? A bit ott??
But strange that he keeps going on about her eye and how extreme was your annoyance that he had to practically make her swear not to tell you?

Children should never be told they must keep a secret, and very important that they feel they can tell you everything.

StillFrigginRexManningDay · 10/07/2014 09:12

So your dh does not believe that your dds eye is fine after being cheaked out twice and got her to try on some glasses? He sounds very bizarre.

Deftones · 10/07/2014 09:23

Your Husband sounds like a prize bellend.

Not only is he being over cautious, he's also encouraging secrets. Hugely bizarre

Hakluyt · 10/07/2014 09:32

The whole situation is very odd. Is he normally very anxious about her health?

But I really worry about this business of not having secrets. Why do kids have to tell both parents everything? What if they don't want to? What if one parent makes a judgment that whatever it was would cause the other parent unnecessary anxiety or upset?

Numanoid · 10/07/2014 09:41

YANBU, as others have said, it is very dangerous for kids to think it's okay to keep secrets from parents. He needs to tell you what it is, and then both talk to DD, explain that he made a mistake asking her to keep a secret, and that she should never feel she has to keep a secret from either of her parents.

Numanoid · 10/07/2014 09:44

Why do kids have to tell both parents everything?

They don't have to, I guess. There are definitely a lot of things I was more comfortable only telling my mum when I was younger, just from being a young girl, doubtless it would have been the other way round if I had been a boy.

But at a young age, although this does not relate to the OP's DD's secret, I think the worry is that many kids subjected to abuse, for example are told not to tell their parents about it as it's a secret, and the worry is that they should know they never have to keep a secret from their parents.

bellarations · 10/07/2014 09:45

Yanbu
"Secrets" with children is wrong.
"Don't tell mummy" would send me into a rage!

MissDuke · 10/07/2014 09:53

Does he think he is going to be able to claim for compensation or something? It almost sounds like he wants them to find something wrong with her eye Hmm

Laquitar · 10/07/2014 10:19

MissDuke
I thought the same.

Op what are you going to do, are you going to check with dd if the story re glasses is true?

AskBasil · 10/07/2014 10:48

There's a difference between a child wanting to only talk to one parent about one thing and asking them not to talk to the other parent about it and a parent actually actively exhorting a very young child to keep a secret from a parent IMO.

SarcyMare · 10/07/2014 10:54

the very first law about child abuse is to tell your kids never ever ever to keep a secret from mummy and daddy, even if another grown up, mummy or daddy asks them to.

Hakluyt · 10/07/2014 11:00

Of course you tell your child they never have to keep a secret. But if you are starting from the position that your child's other parent is a potential abuser, then how on earth can you function as a family?

HappyAgainOneDay · 10/07/2014 11:02

The first thing that came into my head when reading the OPs post was an abuser getting the DD to promise to keep a 'secret'. Heaven forbid that this is what's happening!

AskBasil · 10/07/2014 11:27

Who is starting from that position Hakluyt?

PacificDogwood · 10/07/2014 11:32

Overreactions all round IMO.

There are 'good secrets' ("lets not tell mummy what we got her for her birthday"): they make you feel good and excited and are fine.
There are 'bad secrets' (I don't think you need an example) and they make you feel alone and bad and worried - never have one of those from me. That what I told my DSs.

What I take from your posts, Lenochka, is that your DH and you have some issues communicating with each other. Minor childhood accident, 'secrets' from him, anger from you, you feel he overreacts, he no doubt feels you don't take his concerns seriously - not a good combination IMO.

AskBasil · 10/07/2014 11:35

Also I think it's quite important to tell young children that the "good" secrets are the ones which will be revealed in due course - so Mummy will eventually find out, on her birthday, about the secret (what her present is). The bad secrets are the ones which no-one must ever know about ever.

Probably.

CharmQuark · 10/07/2014 11:45

The principle your dd and your DH need to understand is that there is no such thing as keeping a secret from mum or dad unless it involves a present .

And that what be did set your dd between you and put her in an unfair position, whilst breaking the golden rule that parents stand together .

I don't think you helped by getting cross in front of her when she told you.

You need to talk to him . If he is getting another appointment is he having anxiety or obsessive issues or something? And why would he keep something from you regarding your child?

Just talk to him calmly and directly .

hashtagwhatever · 10/07/2014 11:46

The explanation doesn't sit right.

annielouise · 10/07/2014 11:46

So he encouraged her to keep a secret from you then made her feel bad when she did tell you! Sorry but what a manipulative arse!

Chattymummyhere · 10/07/2014 11:53

Did he shoot her in the eye op?

Could explain his ott behaviour about the eye and the pinky promise could be for her to not tell you he did it.

OnlyLovers · 10/07/2014 12:07

I don't believe his explanation. And of course he shouldn't be telling your DD to have secrets from you.

Is he an idiot generally? That's a genuine question.

landrover · 10/07/2014 12:12

I have always told my daughter that I am the "secret keeper". If anybody asks her to keep something secret, I can always be told about it and trusted xx

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