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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be v angry with husband....

84 replies

Lenochka12 · 09/07/2014 22:57

So to make a long story short, my 7 yo dd had a small accident at a party when someone hurt her eye with a nerf gun bullet and after we got worried it might have affected her vision and asked her if anything's blurry, she has been saying (when asked) that she can't see well from that one eye. My dh took her to see an ophthalmologist twice (!) with the second one actually dilating her pupils and both said there was no sign of damage and she could read the chart fine but if it still wasn't better to bring her back....my dh tends to overreact with things like that and I find it really annoying because I don't think there is anything wrong with her eye ( and I'm the mother!) anyway, this evening, while reading her a book she mentioned that daddy made her make a pinky promise about smth saying that she's not allowed to tell anyone about it, inc me!!!! I started asking her more questions about it and all she could say was that it had something to do with her eye and that if she told me Id be cross and then she got upset as she realised I was getting cross anyway... I'm so furious at my dh for teaching her to have secrets from me! I also heard her tell him later when she got into her bed that mummy is sad because she told me there was a secret between them and still he hasn't said a word to me...am I the only one who feels totally betrayed in such situation and let down by him? Is it just my PMS? Help please. This is my first post btw so hope it's ok.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 09/07/2014 23:17

I can't believe you didn't speak to him immediately to get to the bottom of it, he is so blatantly out of order it's not even debatable.

Original poster
Lenochka12 · 09/07/2014 23:22

Haven't spoken to him yet as I can't bring myself to believing it's actually happening!..

OP posts:
AskBasil · 09/07/2014 23:22

How is it possible in this day and age, for any parent not to be aware of how out of order it is to teach a child to keep secrets?

It's just not possible is it? To be that ignorant?

brotherhoodofspam · 09/07/2014 23:23

He's put your DD in an awful position - no child should be asked by one parent to keep secrets from the other parent (apart from nice surprises). No wonder she was upset, poor thing.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2014 23:23

Stop being silly, OP, and go and have it out with him right now. You are acting like a wet bloody lettuce.

BuzzardBird · 09/07/2014 23:29

Op, you are being very dramatic over something that just needs 'nipping in the bud'. He made an error, correct him.
I don't think there's any need for "i can't believe this is happening".

Is there more to this than what you have told us?

Jux · 09/07/2014 23:46

OP, you are making a bad situation worse. Stop being as silly as he is. If you haven't spoken to him yet do it immediately.

MistressDeeCee · 09/07/2014 23:48

Id have had it out with him the minute I heard. What the bloody hell is he playing at, teaching a child to keep secrets from her mother? What happens if she hears the same words from another adult? What could this secret possibly be? This is so very irresponsible. I hope by now you've confronted him OP - because you need to. & if there is to be another optometrist visit then take her yourself.

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 09/07/2014 23:49

So you know better cos you're the mum? Do you act like you know better in everything or just your kids health? Maybe he is worried and doesn't want to tell you because you think you know best?

LittleBearPad · 09/07/2014 23:50

FGS just go and ask him. Stop being so dramatic. Until you know the 'secret' you don't know what yore dealing with.

Original poster
Lenochka12 · 09/07/2014 23:56

My point was not to know the secret as I'm sure it's nothing malicious ( as in 'not to harm her') but the fact that my dd was told by my husband to keep a secret from me... Which is what annoyed me most. And I didn't mean I knew better by saying I'm the mother but that I'd be worried and concerned if I thought anything was wrong just as much as him...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/07/2014 23:57

Stop twatting about on here and speak to your husband

Original poster
Lenochka12 · 10/07/2014 00:07

He was watching football... He said he was trying to see if his glasses would help her see better and didn't want her to tell me as it would annoy me.... So he told her to promise to not tell mummy...

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 10/07/2014 00:11

Never ever tell a child to keep srcrets its not ok. Because if anyone else tells her to keep secrets for sinister reasons she wont feel she can tell. She is clearly uncomfortable with this poor thing.

LEMmingaround · 10/07/2014 00:12

Is he an imbecile? ??

LEMmingaround · 10/07/2014 00:12

Or is he lying?

Twonewcats · 10/07/2014 00:34

There's something about this that we're not being told or that op isn't being told.
The "secret" re her trying his glasses is bizarre but not something that op should have got annoyed about. So either he's talking crap or he's hiding something. Or both.

ExcuseTypos · 10/07/2014 00:44

Does he think you're an idiot?

Becasue he's treating you like one.

UncleT · 10/07/2014 01:38

Sounds like complete crap - what would the glasses have anything to do with the potentially wounded eye?? It makes no sense.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 10/07/2014 01:49

He can't be that stupid surely? Why is he leaving his child vulnerable to cover he own back. That's disgusting.

You can't just be a passive observer reporting away on mumsnet, you need to sort this out with him now, and then together tell your dd that she should never ever keep secrets from either one of her parents, and that if anyone asks her to keep a secret like that again she needs to tell you immediately, and feel safe doing so,

Presumably you love him and see his better sides, so aren't filled with as much horror as I am! but seriously, how stupid is he?

NatashaBee · 10/07/2014 01:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

botanicbaby · 10/07/2014 02:03

He sounds like an irresponsible idiot, sorry.

No adult should be encouraging a child to keep 'secrets'.

I don't buy the 'he was trying to see if his glasses would help her see better'. Why is that in itself SO bad that it should be kept 'secret' from you anyway? What part of the ophthalmologist's diagnosis didn't he understand?

It is not your 'PMS' that is betraying you or letting you down, why would it be? Confused

You have EVERY right to be furious with your DP. I can't believe you haven't already had it out with him. Please do so, sooner the better.

CheerfulYank · 10/07/2014 02:06

I'd have DH up one side and down the other if he told the DC to keep secrets from me. That's completely inappropriate!

AdoraBell · 10/07/2014 02:17

Every child should know that there is no secret they cannot tell both parents. The only exception should be what the birthday/Christmas present is and even then it's not important enough to be pressured into not telling.

YANBU

MexicanSpringtime · 10/07/2014 03:59

Very important for him to know how dangerous it is to tell a child to keep a secret from one of their parents, but I do wonder if your husband is scared of your reactions? I doesn't justify what he did, possibly out of ignorance, but still life is easier for everyone when we respect the other person's right to have a different point of view.