To just want to rant really...

[ICanHearYou]

So we went to legoland today, the children, the ex and me.

I paid for everything, he is too poor and fair enough, he had to pay a lot out when he moved out at the end of May and I understand that.

I know a lot of people will think I am a mug for taking him to Legoland with us but I don't fancy doing it on my own, who would stay with the baby while I went on rides with the boy for example?

Anyway so we all went, I paid for the diesel on the way up there, asked him to meet me at the garage but he couldn't 'walk that far' (it is about 2 mins walk from his house' and then complained that I had not got him a coffee when I picked him up, I rarely buy coffee from the garage now because I am watching my calories and frankly would rather eat food than drink a latte, but I was having a treat day so got myself one. When I told him that I was paying out a lot of money for the day anyway, he told me that I had 'free coffee cards' in my purse and should have used one of them. Well yes I do have a free coffee card in my purse but I use them when I have no money and I NEED a coffee, like on my way to a night shift or whatever.

We get to fleet, I bought some sweeties for the children, mostly to placate them for the rest of the long journey, I bought 2 krispy creme donuts and we had half each between the four of us.

We got to legoland, used tickets I had bought on a selling page on facebook and they wouldn't let us have a child go in free because they were an offer or something, so he says 'you can pay for DS1 on my card if you like but you'll have to pay me straight back' I paid on my own card and we went in. I bought lunch (£30 for the three of us and the baby ate for free) I bought us drinks in there, got the children a purple angry birds pig each and then drove back, asked him to come and put the children to bed because I have a really sore hip, exacerbated by lots of driving and wanted to put it up.

I checked my bank and have enough money for a bill coming out next week, he informed me that I get plenty in tax credits so 'shouldn't have to worry about money ever' and then tried to blag me into buying him a coffee at Fleet (I didn't buy myself one, no money left!) and then got huffy when I said I had no money.

Get back, he is huffy about the children, I asked him to warm up some pizza and do a salad for me and the kids (I have been driving and paying all day at this point) he is huffy about that but eats some for himself too. Then puts the kids to bed, starts complaining about how tired he is and then leaves (finally) but he didn't once;

Thank me for taking him out
Thank me for buying him food
Thank me for us having a nice day all together

and I feel a bit used and cheated really. was putting the kids to bed and feeding them with food I'd bought really such a big deal after I'd really splashed out on us as a family? He was acting like I was being really unreasonable to ask him to do those things.

I think he was really unreasonable not to say thank you to me!

they can have other experiences together. dont force it. make your own experiences.

I will, as I have repeatedly pointed out though there is no way that I could take them alone to legoland. Because the big one isn't big enough to go on rides alone and the little one is too little to go on most rides.

I thought it would just be a nice day out (and it was) the issue was when we got back and I got treated like shit.

I don't want to be treated like shit

Ican, you sound a lovely lovely person who wants to do the best for your children and to be kind to your ex. I'm so sorry you feel hurt after your efforts to do the right thing but I do think you'll be happier if you start detaching more and letting your ex build his own, separate memories with the children.

It's unrealistic to expect that you can still be a family unit. Either one or both of you will find a new partner - or the set-up will prevent you from moving on. And that's not fair on anyone.

You've obviously decided that the benefits of splitting up outweigh those of being a family of four. Remember your (no doubt good) reasons for that and enjoy the benefits without beating yourself up about the elements that are gone.

While I think you are overcompensating a bit, I do also want to say how much I admire you for avoiding the bitterness etc that normally comes with relationship breakdowns, and for so obviously coping brilliantly as a single parent. That will mean so much to your children.

I really don't want it to be bitter. We have a few more things planned this summer (spread out) and after that I will not make further plans for us all as a four.

Perhaps if you go out on a daytrip again you can take food, drink and a flask of coffee with you then you won't have to splash out money on him. Or even better tell him you are taking a packed unch for you and the kids so he will need to bring one for himself.

Realistically, do you think a 4 and a 2 year old will remember Legoland?

Oh my god Lweji, give her a break! It's not where she went for a day out, it's the principle. If she'd have taken him for lunch at Asda cafe, and he'd have been rude to her afterwards, it would still be the same.

However, OP, I do agree with posters that have said this sort of thing is unrealistic in the long term. I see what you're trying to do, but it's unsustainable.

I agree that he was awful (no argument there), but the point is that sometimes we make things harder for ourselves without no need for it. I am challenging the OP's motivations for these trips and spending all this money. Surely it is ok to put forward a different opinion.
If the OP wants to keep doing what she has been doing, and just rant about it, fine.

what I wanted for my children was for them to grow up with both of us around.

I get that, but it might actually be better for your children to grow up without seeing their dad treat their mum so badly.

You say going to Legoland etc with friends and their children wouldn't be the same for your DSs as going with both parents, but give it a chance and they might well love it; friends to spend the day with and presumably a happier atmosphere as there'd be less tension between the adults.

It's not a bad thing to have friends who share you and your children's lives; I think a wider social circle is very healthy.

Lweji actually all you have done is blame me for his behaviour.

Telling me in your first few posts that I should accept his rudeness because I needed him there and acting like he was doing me a favour!

All you have done is defend him am starting to wonder if you are him

Yes I think they will remember it, the 4 year old will at least and it is more for him than the baby really (though the baby had a great time)

for the VERY last time, if you don't get it by now you never will

MY MOTIVATION IS TO MAKE A NICE HARMONIOUS FAMILY FOR MY CHILDREN REGARDLESS OF ADULT DISAGREEMENTS THAT MEAN (AND SHOULD MEAN) NOTHING TO THEM.

He has apologised profusely today, he doesn't feel that it is necessary to stop spending time as a family together, he would say that though because he stands to lose a lot more than I do in all this.

This incessant suggestion that my 'motivations' are selfish and mean-spirited are not helpful or kind. I suggest you look at yourself if that is the only way you can bring yourself to view a person choosing to take her family (and ex) out for the day.

Which of course I shouldn't even be able to do in your eyes because it takes budgeting to pay a £200 bill.

I don't want them to grow up and see him treating me badly, or me being snappy with him because he is behaving like a petulant teenager. I have made this very clear to him and hopefully he will take it on board. I am not going to throw the baby out with the bath water, I will wait and see if his behaviour improves.

I did NOT say that you should accept his rudeness. And I did not defend him.
I said you should not expect anything better from him, given that you dumped him (and his behaviour was probably like this before the split).

I do think mentioning the amount spent is relevant because your OP was ALL about how much you had spent and how ungrateful he was. Your complaints about him are all about money.
Furthermore, you did say you had to take him or you wouldn't be able to take the eldest on rides.
The 2 year old had a great day, as the 4 year old, but they would still have had it with a cheaper alternative of a day out.
But you prefer to keep doing what you have been doing, which seems to be working great, and you don't want to consider alternative points of view. Fine. Rant away.

I was where you are now. My ex was exactly the same, and it didn't take long for him to stop seeing his son after I decided enough was enough and I stopped feeding him/letting him into my home at 3am after he'd had a night out and couldn't be arsed to get himself to his place. I went back to work when ds was 3 weeks old and he 'borrowed' my wages to 'help his friend move from Germany', which I never got back. He'd see ds whenever he wanted. In short, he was a freeloader who was walking all over me. I put a stop to it. I moved so he couldn't 'drop in' at 3am. I gave him no more money and I went to the CSA. Contact was arranged and I didn't go along, nor was he invited when I took ds places.

You're not a family. You need to define what your roles are because, like my ex, he's walking all over you. He only has a relationship with his children, not with you, so why on Earth are you putting up with this?

Yes lweji because the fact that I spent so much money highlights how bloody rude he was!

My issue is with his RUDENESS not with the money I spent, which I had budgeted for and am capable of making my own decisions about.

I disagree they would have had as good a time at the local park, we go to the local park frequently it is fun and exciting to go on big rides and have all the benefits of going to legoland, that is why I paid for it.

I am happy to hear other view points but will absolutely defend myself against people who minimise this man being an arse and somehow paint me as some sort of villain for being so cruel as to imagine a world where my children can enjoy both their parents without our personal issues getting in the way of their happiness.

I think children need both their parents, I am optimistic that we can create that for them. If not then I will put a stop to everything.

Put it down as a lesson learnt.

I would rather take a friend, sounds like he was a moaning git the whole day, way to put a downer on a little boys dream day out.

ICan - I think you tried to do a really good thing and, if you disregard his attitude during the day, it sounds like you had a good time - your dc did, and that is down to your effort and to the money you spent. I also think it sounds like you are doing a fine job of managing your finances - and it is important to budget in treats and trips as well as making sure you pay for the bills and necessities.

You deserved a lot more appreciation for your efforts.

I think you've had a hard time here (not from everyone) - but some good advice too. I am no expert, but I think it ought to be a good thing for the dc to see you and your ex working civilly together, it's a shame you seem so much better at this than your ex is!

In the future, I guess you need to work on your ex's attitude to,your spending - lots of 'cracked record' - "How I budget the money and what I spend it on is my business - you no longer get to voice an opinion."

While it is admirable I think you are naïve to expect lovely family days out with your ex when you are no longer a family. There is nothing wrong with you wanting this but expecting your ex to 'step up' when it seems he is a bit of a freeloader and waste of space means you are always going to be disappointed.

Obviously going to theme parks on your own with 2 kids poses difficulties but going to places like the zoo, aquarium, museum etc where you don't need an extra pair of hands might be a better bet. Can you not enlist somebody else if you truly want the kids to have the theme park experience

I think we are family though, the childrens family. That is obviously harder for him to accept than me. I think he might need more time

I think you are definitely a family. I do think, though, judging from what you have said on here, that he may never be the dad/ex you want him to be, so you should concentrate on influencing what you can influence - you and the dc - and work out what you need to do, to be able to cope with the way he is.

You're right SDT and I do focus on that, that is why I don't begrudge spending the money, I am glad that the children had a lovely day and we got out of the town a bit, I am glad he was there for that though if any beautiful rich rugby player types want his place...

Its just that through this whole thing when he has behaved in a way that has made me sad I have posted about it and got a lot of support, mostly telling (of course) to have specified contact hours and barely see him, but its good to have that solidarity and be able to talk about stuff.

I just don't understand why very quickly I had to start defending myself for daring to be upset by being treated like shit and even worse for saving up to take my children to a theme park.

Really I just wanted to rant about what a prick he was last night.

Ah bollocks! I just wrote a detailed reply and my phone died taking the post with it. Grrrr!

Will type again later!

MiscI hate it when that happens, just give me bullet points if you want and I will bulk it out in my head!

I'm in your situation too and recently got emotionally burnt in similar circumstances - wanting a show of family unity, wanting to play nicely at being a family. But this thread - and yes, lweji's points - have been helpful to me in working out why. The point is that you do have to get your head around the new dynamic. You aren't a family unit because you aren't together anymore. He can't be nice to you and "grateful" because he isn't nice or grateful. And I do question the wisdom of spending so much money on someone and then expecting "something" back. It's because he doesn't give anything back that you've left him. Why should he change now. I don't think you have to feel that someone is attacking you because they ask you to challenge your assumptions. The motivation is to get you to find ways to protect yourself emotionally and to do that they do need to be a little confrontational. But seriously, exactly the same thing happened to me this week and I've had to take a good hard look at how this happened. It's not about blame or the other person being an arse (which they are) it's about how you open the door to them hurting you emotionally. Until you understand that they will carry on hurting you. But thank you for rising this thread, it's been helpful for me. And I don't think you need to feel attacked, I think there's some wisdom in what's been said that might help you protect yourself in future. I also think you shouldn't lose sight of the fact that your kids had a nice day. That's what you did it for, not to get his gratitude, which I think you know is not on offer.

I didn't leave him because of money or because of how we get on in family activities though, that is just another huge assumption that has been made.

Of course the pp was attacking, questioning my motives constantly and jumping to conclusions about my finances, the whole conversation could have been had in a much less aggressive way and there would have been much more scope for learning and discussing, the be cruel to be kind bollocks is just that, bollocks.

I started this thread because I needed to unload about how he made me feel, not because I want my life changed all around, in reality I am happy to spend family time with the boys and him, I am happy to spend the money but I reserve the right to have a jolly good moan about his behaviour if he is mean to me.

Because if dealing with his petulance some of the time gives the children a more rounded life then so be it. Frankly I would rather that right now than him only see them alone, for a whole heap of reasons. It's important that I keep working and we keep working as a team, hard but important.