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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that when you say 5pm

90 replies

JosieMcDozie · 09/07/2014 17:41

You mean 5pm?? In laws have my eldest, dh is away and specifically asked them to fetch him home at 5pm - it's now 5.40pm and no sign. Aibu to be pissed off??

OP posts:
Original poster
JosieMcDozie · 10/07/2014 07:18

One sentence, consciously in a polite tone. No, I don't think it could be construed differently. Surely their reaction to being over an hour late, and then when politely asked a question they tell me to shut my mouth and throw the car seat across the lawn.

OP posts:
Original poster
JosieMcDozie · 10/07/2014 07:19

Posted to soon: surely this Is disproportionate to the situation.

OP posts:
BeeInYourBonnet · 10/07/2014 07:23

I actually don't think saying 'did DH tell you to be back here by 5?' Is very polite, even if said in a polite voice.

My DPs are often slightly late bringing home my DCs because they are disorganised laid back about time, and tend to forget things take longer in rush hour (they are retired) and that doing things with little ones take twice the time. I would never dream of passive aggressively quizzing them on the 'instructions' they have been given.

You were rude, but they were ruder. No excuse for their behaviour. I would put a stop to them having DS alone for a while. However, I would have a think about your attitude too. Often people with small DCs can be abrupt and excessively rigid re timings for bedtime, food etc (I know I was).

JassyRadlett · 10/07/2014 07:26

OP, there is a significant faction on MN who cannot accept that parents in law are ever in the wrong, they are the default wronged party and daughters in law are the cause of any conflict. If it were your parents you would have got a very different response. It's bizarre.

Your parents in law sound like they're escalating their power trip. I wouldn't allow any unsupervised contact with your children, and I wouldn't see them at all unless you receive a grovelling apology (and a new car seat). Feels like that may be unlikely though?

KatieKaye · 10/07/2014 07:28

The GPs knew the situation before they took DC. Whether or not they agreed with OPs plans for early bed has nothing to do with them. She is the mother.

Sounds like they were deliberately being obtuse. And really, her tone has nothing to do with the fact that they ignored her wishes and did not tell her about the delay - to stop her worrying. So what if she was annoyed at them? Should she just have lain down and let them trample all over her?

Where people are as selfish and ignorant as this they probably wouldn't have listened to calm logic anyway because they are always right (in their eyes)and resent anyone pointing the bleeding obvious (which is that they were way out of line).

YWNBU. they just couldn't be arsed keeping to your timetable. So what if they make themselves out to be the wronged party? Anybody who knows them will take that with a pinch of salt. DOn't let them try to take the moral high ground with you- just keep calm and state the facts.

Original poster
JosieMcDozie · 10/07/2014 07:31

Bee it was a genuine question ie: did dh not ask you to bring him back at 5; if not,then it's clearly a misunderstanding no harm done. To be asked the night before and deliberately ignore the request, is not on and to then act how they did is appalling.

OP posts:
EarthWindFire · 10/07/2014 07:31

OP, there is a significant faction on MN who cannot accept that parents in law are ever in the wrong, they are the default wronged party and daughters in law are the cause of any conflict. If it were your parents you would have got a very different response. It's bizarre.

There are also many that believe the in laws are always wrong and that the dil/SIL are always the wronged party. Wink

Maybe if the it was the OPs parents she would have spoke to the differently. Who knows?

Phoenix2014 · 10/07/2014 07:37

I do think you need to calm down - not easy, I understand.
Maybe they'd had a row on the way back and their nerves were frayed.

JassyRadlett · 10/07/2014 07:39

I don't disagree, but TBH lately I've seen much more of the former than the latter. There was a recent thread about the OP's mother being awful, and no fewer than four posters jumped on their 'oh, no, not another anti-MIL thread, I bet you would be the same with your mother' hobby horse. Turned out the OP had a beautiful relationship with her MIL.

Whereas some of us think that looking at the OP's situation on its merits, based on the information given, without any 'I bet you were rude' nonsense and suggestions that she would have dealt differently with her parents if her parents were similarly hostile.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/07/2014 07:39

On the basis of what you've said OP YANBU. I wouldn't be willing to see them until they'd apologised. Difficult to imagine two professionals behaving do badly.

HSMMaCM · 10/07/2014 07:40

But the answer to 'did DH tell you to be back by 5?' Should have been either 'no' or 'yes, sorry we're late'.

JassyRadlett · 10/07/2014 07:42

Phoenix, what kind of row on the 10-minute journey home would have justified throwing a car seat and speaking like that to OP? If their impulse control when stressed is so poor, I would again refuse unsupervised contact.

JoeyMaynardsghost · 10/07/2014 07:42

Sounds like a lot of back history... however knowing how my parents brought my DD back a lot later than agreed stating "looking after babies takes a lot of time"

Yes, I know but you said you were able to cope and you insisted on taking her out for hours past her bedtime and not answering your mobile phone because you said you were driving - 3 adults can't all drive one car which leaves 2 adults free to answer a phone!

...on the face of it there's a lot you have omitted but I can understand your concern when you don't know where your DC is, and you feel that your wishes may have been overridden and then their reaction when they do finally arrive...

bigTillyMint · 10/07/2014 07:47

I too would be pissed off by this. However, we are only hearing your side of the story.
It could be that they see you as controlling and negative towards them. "Did DH tell you to be back by 5?" might be better phrased as "Just wondering if DH remembered to ask you to be back by 5 as..." Even if you know he did ask - it gives them a chance to lie offer a reason as to why they are an hour late.

JennyCalendar · 10/07/2014 07:59

Their reaction was wrong, particularly in from of DC. However, you may have been a bit rude too. Was the question the first thing you said to them? If it had been prefaced with a 'Did you all have a lovely time? I was starting to get worried about you.' It may have come across better.

Having said that, I reiterate that they were out of order to shout aggressively and throw the car seat.

Original poster
JosieMcDozie · 10/07/2014 08:07

I did ask them as a question!!!! It wasn't a statement, it was a question - if they'd not have been asked then no harm done. The fact is they were asked and deliberately ignored my request and then massively overreacted when I asked them about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
JosieMcDozie · 10/07/2014 08:09

Controlling and negative to request your child is brought gone at a specific time?? Really???

OP posts:
Original poster
JosieMcDozie · 10/07/2014 08:09

Home, not gone!

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 10/07/2014 08:12

what happened when they did drop him home?

Original poster
JosieMcDozie · 10/07/2014 08:14

They turned up at 6.00pm shouted at me to shut my mouth, told me I was never on time (in front of my children) and then fil threw the car seat across the front lawn whilst my mil was asking why I can't be civil.

^^

This Eddie

OP posts:
Hereward1332 · 10/07/2014 08:25

Whatever tone of voice the OP may or may not have used, the GP were wrong from the outset as they were an hour late on a ten minute journey. It's not for them to decide that OP's time isn't as important, or that she is being over fussy. 5pm was agreed and they were being disrespectful from the outset. Starting off with an apology for being late would have been the way to go whatever the cause, not a teenage strop.

MaryWestmacott · 10/07/2014 08:27

Op, you won't make people like this behave, they are on a power trip, but they only have power if you give it to them. So, now they don't get to take the dgc out alone as they have proved that they won't return them at the time you asked, won't call or text to say they will be late and will speak to you appallingly plus deliberately damage your property. So it's a flat "no" from now on, they see them with you or DH so you control the situation and they don't get to pull power trips. No need for a row, "that doesn't work for us".

KatieKaye · 10/07/2014 08:29

What Mary said

bigTillyMint · 10/07/2014 09:21

Josie, I don't think you are being controlling and negative, just wondered if they see you as that.

Actually it smacks of them wanting to be in control. If they both have/had jobs in positions of power, maybe they don't like submitting to you and your DH's wishes.

I would do what Mary said too.

hashtagwhatever · 10/07/2014 09:31

They sound like loons.

Mil asking you why you can't be civil sounds like they don't particularly like you much to start with.

Are they usually like this?

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