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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was DH unreasonable, or not?

83 replies

Misfitless · 08/07/2014 22:17

I'm going to stick to the bare facts...

We had a pest control person in our house. My DH and I were talking with him. He mentioned that he had had a call out about fleas earlier in the week (a flea infestation, I assume.)

I said "Oh, our dog's got fleas," to which my DH said "No she hasn't. Why are you making up stories?"

Your thoughts, please.

OP posts:
Iggly · 08/07/2014 22:52

He sounds patronising tbh. He said it with a straight face?! Rude fucker.

Iggly · 08/07/2014 22:53

Imagine if your partner said that to you (this is to those who think the op is BU),- straight faced etc?

It is how you talk to a child, if that.

phantomnamechanger · 08/07/2014 22:56

It's an odd thing to say but he was thinking on the spot.
Only you know whether this is "typical" or goes hand in hand with other things he says to undermine/belittle you etc

Original poster
Misfitless · 08/07/2014 22:56

Sorry, cross posted with Dojo and Misc.

No, he couldn't possibly have felt that I was flirting/attracted to the pest control man.

DH has previous for this sort of thing.

He regularly used to accuse me of being petulant, which was delightful and was a real self esteem booster, I can tell you!

He has real problems with me disagreeing with him. It's practically impossible to have a reasonable discussion if we disagree, because he always comes out with "you are arguing with me" when, actually I just have a different opinion sometimes!

OP posts:
Oldraver · 08/07/2014 22:57

Well even if he was unaware that the dog had fleas, he should of said "has she, we better treat her"

Not accuse you of making up stories

Original poster
Misfitless · 08/07/2014 22:59

That's what I think, Oldraver.

OP posts:
DorotheaHomeAlone · 08/07/2014 22:59

Really surprised by the responses here. What he said was definitely rude and belittling. I would be fuming too.

Gileswithachainsaw · 08/07/2014 22:59

Very strange behaviour.

And fleas or no fleas treat the dog anyway. Prevention is easier than getting rid of them.

He should be far more concerened about looking after the dog than trying to show you up

Oldraver · 08/07/2014 23:01

Yes it is belittling, dismissive and just downright rude. You dare to have a different opinion and you get verbally slapped down

liviadrusilla · 08/07/2014 23:05

YANBU. It sounds really belittling and nasty. I would be really upset if my partner responded like that to me, even more so if someone else was there.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/07/2014 23:06

I would be furious with DH if he spoke to me like that I am not 7 years old. He was rude and patronising.

Original poster
Misfitless · 08/07/2014 23:12

I am going to try and get H to read this thread.

Maybe then he'll realise how it made me feel, and that not I'm over reacting.

I am surprised that a significant number of posters don't think that to accuse your partner of making up stories, just because they have a different opinion about something, is not unreasonable in this context, though.

Anyway, regardless of your opinion, I appreciate everyone's posts. Smile Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Misfitless · 08/07/2014 23:21

Dojo, just read thread back and realised I didn't respond.

It isn't odd that I'd mentioned it to my mum. I'd called her at 8.15am to ask her to buy the Frontline on her way to my house.

Husband had already left for work at about 7.45am.

House was very busy with a houseful of hungry, noisy children. I'm pretty sure that I did mention it to H, but whether I did isn't the issue, it's the way he spoke to me when he thought I was wrong that is the crux of it all.

OP posts:
DoJo · 08/07/2014 23:25

If he has form for it, then I would definitely be upset - I just couldn't imagine anyone speaking to someone they loved like that, so I was trying to imagine scenarios in which he was being passive aggressive or diverting anger about something else into a rude comment about the dog's fleas.

If he has form for speaking to you like this, then I think you need to have a conversation about how he treats you. Would he speak to a colleague like this? Does he think that speaking to you like this is a good way to resolve anything, or do you think he is trying to avoid any discussion by shutting you off before you get to speak at all.

I think the posters who weren't sure whether it was rude probably just thought it was really odd (as indeed did I!). Without knowing that he had form for it, it sounds like something that must be a joke or misinterpretation or that there must be another reason he phrased it like that, as most people do not speak to their loved ones like that.

partialderivative · 08/07/2014 23:27

I'm going to stick to the bare facts...

But you didn't!

In your second post you stated:

I believe that the dog does have fleas, yes.

When you state things like 'believe' you are no longer necessarily dealing with facts.

RedSoloCup · 08/07/2014 23:31

You still haven't said why there was a pest control person in your house.

Maybe your DH was embarrassed about he dog having fleas that hadn't been treated I would have been.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 08/07/2014 23:37

The dog having fleas or not is not the point, 'why are you making up stories' is a twatty patronising thing to say to anyone about any subject especially in front of someone else

Coughle · 08/07/2014 23:38

Sounds like he doesn't like you saying things he hasn't pre-approved. Tbh this reminds me of a good friend whose husband calls her "naughty" when she does something that doesn't suit him. Belittling and infantilizing.

zippey · 08/07/2014 23:42

YANBU

If this instance was a one off, it might be dismissed more easily, but if he has form for it, it sounds like something you will need to address as its not fair on you. He should treat you as he would like to be treated himself. Im sure if the tables were turned, he would be fuming.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 08/07/2014 23:43

Here's a test:

Would he say that to his boss? Colleagues? Best mate? Neighbour? Friends wife?

Or just you?
And the children...

AnyFucker · 08/07/2014 23:57

why was the pest control person in your house ?

I have no further comment to make though, because I refuse to be a third wheel in your argument as this is meant to be a support site not a tool to reprimand cock-like husbands

if you cannot speak to your partner about how he made you feel then you have more problems than you think

gamerchick · 09/07/2014 00:02

I'm in the twilight zone.

Runesigil · 09/07/2014 00:13

Put the dogs bedding under the sheet on his side of the bed and wait til he's bitten Wink

Seriously, it's not a respectful way to speak to any family member, let alone in front of a stranger.

"Why are you making up stories?"

Original poster
Misfitless · 09/07/2014 07:21

partial I didn't know what other word to use.

I was trying to show that imo, the dog does, in H's opinion, she doesn't.

For the purposes of this thread, I would have thought one cancels out the other.

I can't repeat enough times, that it was the way H assumed, because he had no prior knowledge (which I thought he did,) that I had simply made up stories about it...

I'm an honest adult and should be spoken to accordingly.

Even if he doesn't think she has fleas, H shouldn't say that to me.

OP posts:
Batmansbuttocks · 09/07/2014 07:28

What a strange thread.

One short sentence does not an abuser make. There must be more to this. Christ on a bike. Fleas, no fleas. Random pest control man in the living room?

I need to spend less time on MN.