To not want to visit DPs home town for my own personal safety?

[Eastie77]

To set the scene, DP is from a very small port town in Southern Europe. He has told me before that there are few foreigners there and virtually no non-white residents. The few non-white people in the town tend to be either illegal immigrants en route to other countries or sex workers. There has been a lot of tension in the town over the years due to the presence of said immigrants and several reports attacks on them (house firebombed, a driver attempting to knock down someone of 'foreign' appearance)

The attacks made the news in the UK and I am very concerned as I am not white and am very reluctant to visit this place due to this situation. DP wants us all to go (we have a 1 year old daughter) to visit his brother. The rest of his family live in other towns in his home country and I am prepared to visit those towns as they are larger, cosmopolitan areas. His parents have passed away so his only relative in the town is his brother. I have suggested his brother can take a train to his sisters house (they in the North of the country in the city I am happy to visit) so we can meet them all there. We are planning to visit the sisters anyway. He has rejected this idea because his brother has a health problem, an issue with his eyes, and apparently does not like to travel. Plus he wants to show me where he grew up and wants to introduce DD to his friends. I understand all of this but I really do not want to go to this town. I do not want to be stared at or worse by hostile people.

To make matters worse there is a LOT of criminality in the area and it is nominally 'controlled' by a criminal/Don figure (you can guess the country). He has to visit this man, a friend of his late father, and has said I should go with him. He is blase about the whole safety issue saying that since it is immigrants who are targeted I am not in danger. I feel this is quite an ignorant attitude. I am affected by seeing people targeted and hounded regardless of whether or not I am 'saved' from this scenario by virtue of the fact that I am not an immigrant. In any case, I suspect I will be targeted anyway.

Today I found him looking up flights etc. I repeated that I do not feel comfortable going to the town and will book tickets with DD to his sisters place in North and wait for him there. It will be a shame if we do not see his brother as I have spoken to him on the phone and he is so keen to meet his niece but I do not understand why he cannot take the the train - he works full time and can see clearly with glasses - so suspect DP is using this as an excuse. DP states I am being ridiculous.

Just to be clear: I have no issue visiting areas which have few or no non-white residents, I do this all the time as I love traveling around the UK / Europe and many far flung places. My specific issue is the criminality and the fact that I feel I will be personally targeted in THIS particular town.

AIBU??

Equally I'm not sure relying on news reports really tells you much. One place we go regularly to visit family was reported as a tophot spot for crime in the whole of Europe, you would have thought it highly risky from the reports, yet this is one small area of a big city and I have never had any trouble visiting there in the last ten years, in fact its extremely nice!

Being stared at though is different and I would imagine quite common in smaller less cosmopolitan places- and I also think its different when its just you than if you are taking your child, you naturally feel much more protective of them.

Why can't you read?

I can read. You clearly cant punctuate.

Tbh, if it is Italy we are talking about, taking your child is your best protection. You'll get stares but smiles and compliments on your lovely DD. I am always stared at and just ignore. The looks I get when I wear sandals without tights at Easter (despite it being 25 degrees) because I have broken the strict rule about not breaking open the summer clothes until June!

It's can't not cant bogeyface as you brought up punctuation!

I know, but I can never be bothered with apostrophes, they upset my typing speed! :o

Can you speak to a travel adviser? They have some in the US that will tell you where it's safe for Americans to go, and if it's moderately risky, what customs to follow. They might be able to either clear up any fears you have or make it clear to your DH that your fears are reasonable.

My guess would be that since you'll be with DH you would get a lot of stares, some passive aggressive snide comments at worst, and nothing more.

Caruthers If someone posted saying they were worried about going somewhere because white people or Brits were targets for violence, I don't think they'd be lambasted or called racist for being concerned about the area.

Bogeyface I think Caruthers was hoping for a reverse racism thread where he could bring up mass immigration and the plight of middle white men.

*middle class white men

I got that tbh, but I cant resist winding up the arseholes. I really shouldn't

sorry, your DP has to go and visit a Sicilian Mafioso? Um, I don't think so. Take yourself off to Taormina and stay there, family can visit you there.

You really do need to read the OP again

Would that be the OP that says "I have no issue visiting areas which have few or no non-white residents, I do this all the time as I love traveling around the UK / Europe and many far flung places. My specific issue is the criminality and the fact that I feel I will be personally targeted in THIS particular town."

Right, also OP, why does your DH have to go visit the fucking Godfather? You really don't want to associate with people like that, and you certainly don't want your safety dependent on whether he likes you or not.

There is no way I would be going to visit a Mafia boss. No no and no.

Make it clear to your DP there is no room for manoeuvre here.

Thanks for replies and for those of you who've put Caruthers straight:) I can only assume he/she has chose to wilfully misunderstand my post!

DP's attitude is that racism should just be ignored - his argument is that talking about it gives the racists attention and the UK press exaggerates the problems in Italy

Sydenham - yes he is from a town in Puglia. I understand the region as a whole is not all bad but there are some areas, unfortunately DP's among them, where there are issues with immigrants.

FraidyCat - Ok, let's say I'm not actually attacked because I'm accompanied by DP. The fact remains that there is a high level of hostility towards people who look like me. I don't think it is going to be a comfort to me to know that 'I'm ok' because I have the protection of my DP whilst knowing that other non-Whites are targeted. The only analogy I can think of is the Black sportsmen who refused to participate in sporting events in South Africa during apartheid. The fact that 'they' would be treated like honorary whites was not ok. Sorry not meaning to turn this into a history lesson but just trying to make the point that I will not feel comfortable walking around with DP as some kind of buffer.

Thenapoleonofcrime - I might not be physically attacked but yes am worried about comments and just general ill treatment. Also feeling as if I am not safe if I go anywhere without DP is not something that sits well with me at all.

Bogeyface - Interesting comment as I am half Jamaican and there are areas I wouldn't visit. In fact my mum who is Jamaican always goes straight to her Parish whenever she goes 'home' as she is too scared to stay in Kingston!

SquigglySquid - yes it is ridiculous. The man in question is an old friend of his dads and knew DP when he was a child. I do not know why he thinks I will be ok visiting this person who he has acknowledged is a criminal. He says he is a member of the local version of the mafia - it is called the 'Sacred Column' (English version) or something like that.

I have stated categorically that I am not going and told DP that I will visit his sisters house so he will be wasting his money if he books tickets to his home town. I don't want to deprive him of introducing DD to his friends and the area where he grew up but personally do not feel it is safe at present. I'm happy to go if the situation changes.

My closet Italian friend is from the North and is a bit dismissive of the South generally. She thinks I'll be fine because I'll be with DP but will probably get a few stares..

Sometimes the true actuality of a place can be so difficult to gauge from afar though. I live in a place that might be described thus:

"Beautiful period house in leafy conservation area, good transport links and a great selection of local shops and restaurants"

Or

"Inner city area troubled by persistent problems with crime, gangs, poverty, and occasional rioting"

Really if I was from the US or similar I would feel apprehensive coming here.. But that's not how it feels from here. You might want to avoid certain areas after dark, but you don't have to be Einstein to know which ones.

The Don thing is different though

Which town? As I've said before, Puglia gets loads of tourists of all ethnicities. Gallipoli, Otranto, Taranto are all fine. Just asked my DH and he's not aware of anything like this. Tell me the town and I could check italian language reports.

Oh and northern Italians are always dismissive of the south so take your friend's comments with a large pinch of sale.

DP's attitude is that racism should just be ignored

I hate to admit that this was my attitude, until I realised how awful racism can be. I have changed by view, racism should be challenged at every opportunity, and if that means that you dont give your tourist dollars to a racist town then so be it. It wont make any difference to them but will make you feel better.

I have had racist insults from being with H, your H may be a local but he moved away, has it not occurred to him that he may be a target too? It didnt occur to me either, so I can understand why he may not have thought of it, but maybe you could mention it?

H is british born from Jamaican heritage, so full black (his words!) rather than mixed race and he wont go to his families village in Jamaica. He says that European or American Jamaicans are a target for crime as they are deemed to be rich (which to be fair, they are by local standards). Also, with a white wife and mixed race daughter we would stick out like a strawberry in a stew, he might get away with it on his own (although unlikely) but he would want to take us to meet his family and as the only way we could visit would be on a resort, whats the point of that?

Family's!

Also meant to add that the last time he went the Jamaica he was 15, he went with his mum to her family's home and she arranged a bodyguard for the whole time they were there. It since transpired that he was a Yardie ex of hers!

Yardie. Haven't heard that word for years!

Bogeyface - funnily enough I'd have no issue taking DP to Jamaica to visit my mum's family . I guess this could come across as a bit of a double standard (waiting for Caruthers to weigh in) but despite the high crime rate in some areas I think we'd be fine. Europeans/Americans are targeted as they are perceived as wealthy but there are parts of the island that are absolutely fine, including the parish where my mum is from.

DP would also like to visit. He'd probably take an encounter with a Yardie in his stride

I would go if I were you, you will almost certainly be fine with your husband with you and it sounds like it would mean a lot to him. I think you are right that you'll be treated as an 'honorary white' though and I can see why you'd be uncomfortable with this. I'm sure lots of people in this town are very racist but plenty won't be and imo there's no such thing as a 'racist town' as somebody said upthread, only racist people. Hopefully you'll meet some really lovely people there and they'll be the ones that leave a lasting impression on you, not the racists.

As for being stared at, I would try not to read too much into this, you will be an unusual sight and in some cultures it's not considered rude to stare so people have a really good look if they want to.

YANBU for being concerned, but I do think you would be okay. If your brother's family are friends with the Don, surely nobody would touch you. It might even be a step towards acceptance of non-whites.

Can you go there for a couple of days, see the brother/family connections to pay respects, and then if you don't feel comfortable staying there, spend the rest of the holiday with the sister?

I also agree with a PP regarding dress. (smartly dressed, rather than tourist dressed).

How about getting the brother to phone your DP to explain that dd and your safety is at risk.