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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bit of a sensitive one .....

52 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 07/07/2014 23:03

My DD (12) came home from school today and explained that her friend disclosed emotional abuse by her step father. This has been ongoing since January: she has been very tearful, is scared to go home because of him, has self harmed with a knife (dd saw these marks) and has taken paracetamol and ibuprofen: I don't know if this is a regular thing or a one off big dose. So so sad.

My daughter went straight to her form tutor who asked her to put it in writing and submit to the head of lower school, which she has done. Now I am hoping that school will fulfill their professional duty of care and refer to social services but my dilemma is whether I should refer too? Should I discuss with the school first or just do it? I am so worried about her.

OP posts:
mercifulgibbon · 07/07/2014 23:05

I would do it. The more reports the better.

HayDayQueen · 07/07/2014 23:07

I would leave it to the school. They already have your daughter's statement, and you wouldn't have any more to add to that, you would only be referring to your daughter's statement. The school would have your daughter's statement and could add their own observations to that.

If nothing happens, then perhaps refer then.

greeneggsandjam · 07/07/2014 23:07

Just do it, as the person above said, the more the better.

coolaschmoola · 07/07/2014 23:09

I would also do it.

WhyWhyWhyWhat · 07/07/2014 23:10

Invite her over for tea/sleepover? Will give her a break from home and she may disclose something to you. Do it regularly so she knows there are people who care about her.

Absofrigginlootly · 07/07/2014 23:11

Just refer!!!!!! It's better for SS to receive 2 referrals than one or none! (makes them take more notice) and you don't know if the school will just faff about and take a while to do it, if at all...they might decided that 'emotional' abuse is not severe enough to get involved with..... (When I worked in HV a mum told me about something traumatic her teenage DD had gone thru. She had told her GP that the DD was really struggling and was depressed/traumatised, but the GP just dismissed her concerns. The mum was worried about the DD self harming etc. So I phoned the DD's school nurse to refer to her for support....I got the most rediculous response "well she is old enough to ask for help herself, she'll have to come and see me if she wants support. I'm not going to approach her" (!!!!). Bloody useless.

TheReluctantCountess · 07/07/2014 23:12

The child hasn't spoken to you so you have nothing to add.

Littleroobe · 07/07/2014 23:12

I'd do it too. More reports is more evidence.

HayDayQueen · 07/07/2014 23:13

But its not more reports! It's the SAME report.

Unless, as Why suggests you invite her to spend some time at your place. You could add something about her demeanour, whether she was unhappy about going home, etc.

todayisnottheday · 07/07/2014 23:14

Make the referral. Explain your dd has spoken to the school but you wanted them to have your details too in case you or dd can help any further. That way you know a referral has been made but you're not stepping on any toes.

Then do what why says, within the bounds of your dds friendship of course.

HayDayQueen · 07/07/2014 23:14

Which I think, btw, is a very good idea. It would be lovely for the girl to have somewhere she could feel safe.

Absofrigginlootly · 07/07/2014 23:16

When it comes to child protection issues of any kind...my training has always been "don't assume that someone else will do something about it. Make sure that YOU do something"
In the (extreme) cases that make the news, there is always a background story where everyone involved (health professionals, teachers, relatives etc) assumed that someone else was going to do something/report etc....but no one actually did!

Absofrigginlootly · 07/07/2014 23:18

So what if SS receive the same story twice? Doesn't matter. At least it will be on record.

Absofrigginlootly · 07/07/2014 23:19

Also think why idea is great

SquigglySquid · 07/07/2014 23:37

Yep report it. This is probably a lot to ask of you, but can you invite her over for weekends so she feels like she has a good support net?

SquigglySquid · 07/07/2014 23:38

x post with why.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 08/07/2014 07:36

Can't see the harm in contacting ss - you can always mention that your dd has told the school but you wanted to make sure it was brought to their attention quickly.
Poor girl.

VictorianGrandchild · 08/07/2014 07:42

You will be repeating heresay. The school wont tell you anything. Your daughter has already made a statement. You are completely undermining the school with this. The child may already have external agency attention that your daughter knows nothing about.

Altinkum · 08/07/2014 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PosingInManilla · 08/07/2014 09:17

I'd report too. Yes, it will be the same report but I don't have a lot of faith in agencies to join the dots so I would sooner the same report was made twice rather than risk it being "lost".

PiperRose · 08/07/2014 11:15

I can't believe people are saying not to report this. This young girl is being abused and has self harmed and people are advising the op to leave it up to the school to sort out. I couldn't live with myself.

bigTillyMint · 08/07/2014 11:18

Report it. You are not undermining the school in any way. You are trying to make sure a young girl gets the support she needs as quickly as possible.

FidelineAndBombazine · 08/07/2014 11:20

Do it. Poor girl.

LumieresForMe · 08/07/2014 11:23

Do it and try and see if you can invite that friend over ona regular basis unless it causes more problem to her.

VSeth · 08/07/2014 11:23

Invite her over for a sleepover? Cook her tea and wait to see what happens with the report that is filed by your daughter. Until you know anything from the girl there isn't anything to add or to report too?

Can you get more activity for the girl away from her home? Without raising suspicion? A new hobby for your DD and her?

When my step father was in the Police he had a little boy tell him about abuse at home and due to the timing (Friday afternoon) he couldn't get anything done for the little boy until the following week, he didn't sleep all weekend know the he had effectively sent the little boy home, for more abuse.