Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bit of a sensitive one .....

52 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 07/07/2014 23:03

My DD (12) came home from school today and explained that her friend disclosed emotional abuse by her step father. This has been ongoing since January: she has been very tearful, is scared to go home because of him, has self harmed with a knife (dd saw these marks) and has taken paracetamol and ibuprofen: I don't know if this is a regular thing or a one off big dose. So so sad.

My daughter went straight to her form tutor who asked her to put it in writing and submit to the head of lower school, which she has done. Now I am hoping that school will fulfill their professional duty of care and refer to social services but my dilemma is whether I should refer too? Should I discuss with the school first or just do it? I am so worried about her.

OP posts:
notfromstepford · 08/07/2014 11:33

I can't believe people are saying don't report it either. Report it, you have to for your own piece of mind and for her well being.

PeppermintInfusion · 08/07/2014 11:36

Report it- my mother is a teacher and if a child discloses anything to her she has to report to the school and direct to SS/LEA (not sure which it is) in case the school doesn't follow through/is covering up/admin goes wrong somewhere. Particularly with the school hols coming up I would report it yourself to be on the safe side.

UncleT · 08/07/2014 11:46

Yup, report. With the best will in the world, it's not as though schools are infallible. Who cares if SS hear it twice, at least you'll be completely sure they've heard it.

OurMiracle1106 · 08/07/2014 11:50

Its a fidifferent report with same information. You as your daughters mum are concerned about this other girl and you can say your observations within the report. Has she become withdrawn, tearful, scared,jumpy etc

This child needs protecting and NOW

LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 08/07/2014 11:55

I would call SS, this poor girl needs someone to look out for her :(

It's better SS are informed twice than not at all.

And well done to your DD, you should be proud of her for helping her friend.

Absofrigginlootly · 08/07/2014 12:48

I really don't understand why people are saying leave it to the school, you are stepping on the schools toes, or that SS don't need to hear the same info twice.....?! child protection is EVERYONES business/responsibility, not just those in 'authority'. Never put your faith in the fact that someone else will file a report or do something....even those people holding positions of trust in society.
Just google the inquiry into poor little Victoria Climbie to read how many authority figures/registered professionals failed to report/protect this girl on over 40 occasions and over many years!!!
A terrible symptom of the 'pass the buck/not my problem' culture lots of people seem to have now. Just make the phone call, then you know it's done.

Appletini · 08/07/2014 20:15

You must report this.

I speak as someone who fell through the cracks.

BlinkAndMiss · 08/07/2014 20:18

Report it. If your report alongside the schools report is not necessary then so be it, but it's better than leaving it.

Theoscargoesto · 08/07/2014 20:29

I know that you have had lots of advice about what you should do, and on a slightly different note, I think you should be really, really proud of what your dd has done. She has been a really good friend, she has been there, listened, and she reported what has happened to the school. It takes a lot of courage to do those things.

Both she and the girl, if they want or need it, might find it helpful to contact ChildLine. And their adult helpline would be a good place for you to discuss what you can do next also.

Mrsrochesterscat · 08/07/2014 20:30

MrsPatrick please report yourself too - both to social services and the police.

Unfortunately, I have very recently faced a similar problem - the head teacher (who is also the child protection officer) asked everybody to report it, his reasoning being DD1 would be less likely to slip under the radar.

Marmot75 · 08/07/2014 20:33

Agree with those saying report it. It's belt and braces to make sure social services are aware. I don't understand why the school would think you were treading on their toes and even if they did that would be less important than making sure the message gets through. I like the idea of you inviting the girl round if you're able to do that. She'll need friends as well as professional support.

Mrsrochesterscat · 08/07/2014 20:33

One of the people copied in the email being asked to duplicate the report is our social worker - she agreed this was the best course of action.

Passmethecrisps · 08/07/2014 20:37

We all have responsibility for the care and welfare of children. The child told your dd who told you. You might consider that you have just as much responsibility to report it as the school does - they have also heard through your dd.

As a secondary teacher with direct responsibility for child protection I would positively welcome you taking the initiative to report it yourself. You are not doing it because you don't trust the school but because you are concerned.

The more reports which are made the better when it comes to prioritising cases. I also think that why's idea is lovely - just give her a gentle and safe place to be and this may help her massively.

Good luck to you and to the wee girl

Absofrigginlootly · 10/07/2014 22:48

OP - what did you do in the end ?? Did you report? How is your DDs friend doing??

Original poster
MrsPatrickDempsey · 10/07/2014 23:02

I rang social care yesterday. They had not received any other referral at that point. The little girl has an appointment to speak to the head of yr 7 tomorrow. My daughter is still worried and couldnt get to sleep tonight. The situation has been the same each day with the little girl being upset. Will continue to support as much as I can through DD.

Thanks for the opinions and concern.

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 10/07/2014 23:03

Good on you for taking the time and attention.

Original poster
MrsPatrickDempsey · 10/07/2014 23:08

Thanks - still trying to find out if there are any local services which may help. I work in the neighboring town which is a deprived area and there is a range of support services available including teen drop ins etc but still to find any our way. Will keep on the case.

OP posts:
Nannyplumismymum · 10/07/2014 23:10

Also report . Definetly.

Nannyplumismymum · 10/07/2014 23:11

Don't prompt her to disclose to you though - that's for the professional and has to be done with great care.

Birdsgottafly · 11/07/2014 06:27

For those saying "leave it to the school", how would you fell if the child was successful in over dosing, during the school holidays?

If she was just upset, perhaps, but this is a child who is attempting suicide and self harming.

You need to re-think your ethics.

Child protection is everyone's duty, that is one important point to have come out of the recent Celebrity prosecutions.

As well as the Care Homes, Church led institution scandals.

Chimchar · 11/07/2014 06:52

The little girl is telling someone because she wants it to stop.

Well done for reporting it. You did the right thing. It sounds too that school are going to look in to it as well...

Look after your dd too, because she is very young to be taking on the role of supporter to her friend. She might need to talk to you about her own feelings. I say this as a mum who has fairly recently gone through a similar thing with my own dd, who found that she simply overloaded herself with her friends emotional troubles.

Original poster
MrsPatrickDempsey · 11/07/2014 06:57

Sorry to hear that Chim; how did you support your daughter? What did you find most effective?

OP posts:
Chimchar · 11/07/2014 07:18

My dd is only 10 (yr 5), and the situation was different. She was trying to support her lovely friend who was recently bereaved. my dd has struggled with the loss of her Gramma, my mum, and so wanted to help her friend through the same situation.

It became though that the friend relied on dd for ALL her support, and my poor dd was starting to feel suffocated and out of her depth, and it all came tumbling out one evening.

We then started talking about it every evening, like a 'debrief' session. I would advise her of how she could back off, and recognise her own limits, and told her who she could approach in school etc.

School became involved and have been great, doing lots of work on emotional literacy with the friendship group. things are much better now.

Sorry, have made this all about me and not you now! Grin

Maybe just be there for your dd is what I'm saying. But you sound like you're doing a grand job already. Smile

Worldsrealist · 11/07/2014 10:43

I think undermining the school and treading on toes come a distant second in the priority list if a child is being abused, particularly when they've been brave enough to disclose it...
As for "heresay".... It's always "heresay" until corroborated/ investigated.... I cannot believe the ignorance I'm hearing in this post... I am a healthcare professional working with children and believe me when I say you MUST report it as well.... It's one of those occasions when an experienced opinion should count for more than an inexperienced one...

gordyslovesheep · 11/07/2014 10:45

you did the right thing - schools can be very slow and almost reluctant to report sometimes

I have first hand experience of this - thankfully other people also reported so SS where aware

Swipe left for the next trending thread