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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask you if I'm selfish and too used to being a single mum or is moving in with dp not a good prospect?

87 replies

TeepeeTara · 07/07/2014 14:09

Dp and I have been dating for 4 years. I have a 6 year old and he has a 5 and 8 year old whom he sees once per month. We have a one year old together and I've just discovered I'm pregnant. We were supposed to move in together before our one year old was born but he made a career choice that meant we couldn't. We separated for a few months but are now back together and he wants us to move in together and have this baby.

In my time as a single mum I've studied and managed to get a degree. I was planning to begin teacher training in September, but obviously this pregnancy has temporarily changed this. He works long hours, shifts and is away for periods at short notice. He can provide no support with the dc. His salary wouldn't be able to stretch to childcare even if I managed to fund teacher training so moving in with him effectively means I'll never have a career.

His dc only visit once per month as he only has one weekend off. They wake the whole house at 5 am, when he's working he wakes everyone at 6 am. This effectively means no lay ins ever again - this may sound a bit pathetic but my eldest has night terrors, youngest has never slept more than 4 hours and obviously the baby will keep me up, too so I'll be extremely sleep deprived which wouldn't be helpful when I'd be doing all day time childcare plus night wakings.

He has much lower standards of cleanliness than me to the point I think it's gross. I.e. His dog had diarrhoea indoors after an operation - he just picked it up with a tissue but didn't clean the floor. The bottom.of his toilet is permanently stained from lack of cleaning. His draining board has black crusty water residue. I don't mind cleaning my and the dcs mess, but think I'd resent cleaning and tidying after him.

My eldest has ASD and he constantly forgets/ignores her quirks which leads to meltdowns and it's just easier all round without him. I don't know if I'm just selfish and too set in my ways as a single mum (which dp thinks) or if I'm right in thinking moving in with really isn't an attractive prospect for me in any way. Obviously it'd be nice for the younger two to live with their father but it seems its to the detriment of everything else. Aibu and a cow, or are my instincts right and I should stick with being alone?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeepeeTara · 08/07/2014 13:28

I'm 18 weeks expat. I'll be fine with the baby, termination isn't an option for me.

OP posts:
BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 08/07/2014 13:34

'He is guilt-tripping me saying our one year old isn't close to him because we've lived apart and that he doesn't want the same with this baby.'

... and in the next breath he's telling you that by the way, he won't be doing any childcare?

FGS it's almost funny. Look, you are simply with the wrong man. Personally I think the reason for that is that a man like this would be 'the wrong man' for any woman with two brain cells to rub together, but forget that. I would just start thinking about moving on.

Ok, it is not ideal. But, sunk costs fallacy. Don't stay and waste more time. You are right in saying that you will feel better if you make the choice to leave yourself. And, being a single parent? With him, you will always be that. Better to be one with a career and without a whole extra adult to clear up the crap for.

Original poster
TeepeeTara · 08/07/2014 13:43

He doesn't say he won't do any childcare, I just know from experience that his days off turn into 'family days' rather than just him and the dc so I never get a break, he gets to do all the nice bits like having days out but none of the preparing clothes, changing bags, picnics, sorting naps out etc. If, on odd occasion, he watches ddwhile iI shower or something he'll tell me afterwards how 'he likes helping me' Angry

OP posts:
TalcumPowder · 08/07/2014 13:49

Jesus, Teepee, you'd have to be completely mad to even consider this. Please don't. I am also inwardly asking, like pps, why you had two children with this man, but that doesn't help with your question now. You would be sabotaging any possibility of independence and making the day to day life of you and your children considerably harder if you set up house with this man.

Original poster
TeepeeTara · 08/07/2014 14:03

Our first child together was planned as we were supposed to be moving in together. This one was as a result of the pill failing.

OP posts:
HotDogJumpingFrogAlburquerque · 08/07/2014 18:12

Don't do it OP.

Really sounds like you need to keep yourself a safety net and your own independence.

Nanny0gg · 08/07/2014 18:37

You really do dodge the main point everyone's making.

You'll stay in your own home, but you'll stay with him to, won't you?

I don't see that I win either way, to be honest. I either live with him, resent him for me not having a career and me still doing everything but with extra hard work caused by him and his dc. Or, I live alone and raise three dc single-handedly and resent him because he's free to just dip in for the good bits.

Or you finish with him. Then you won't see him doing the 'good bits'

MickiJohn · 08/07/2014 18:44

Exactly. If staying with him is a lose/lose situation, why are you with him?

Genuinely wondering this but obvs you don't have to answer. Your life!

attheendoftheday · 08/07/2014 20:36

I think your eldest's need not to live with someone who isn't unkind to her trumps your little one's need to live with their dad.

I would not do it, unless he shaped up wrt behaviour towards your eldest and adapted his life to demonstrate he was willing to do a fair share of the childcare and housework. What magic rule has dictated he gets to continue his career without thought for getting childcare arranged? He has an equal responsibility to you for your joint children.

attheendoftheday · 08/07/2014 20:41

I don't see that I win either way, to be honest. I either live with him, resent him for me not having a career and me still doing everything but with extra hard work caused by him and his dc. Or, I live alone and raise three dc single-handedly and resent him because he's free to just dip in for the good bits.

Or you stay living separately, he changes his job and living conditions so that he can accommodate shared residency.

Or he notices how badly he's treating you and decides to shape up.

Or you leave him, gain maintenance through csa and do your teacher training.

Original poster
TeepeeTara · 09/07/2014 07:08

Nanny whether we stayed together or not he'd get to just do the good bits, and his shift and the baby breastfeeding means I'd have to be there too.

OP posts:
PurpleSwift · 09/07/2014 08:00

For the same of your family, can't he get a New job?

Pumpkinpositive · 09/07/2014 08:21

I remember your post the last time, OP.

Doesn't look like the advice has changed since last time.

It likely won't be any different the next time you post about him either.

Chunderella · 09/07/2014 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentiallyQS · 09/07/2014 08:30

"He wants us to live together and always be in one anothers pockets."

Suddenly he wants this, after not being able to move in with you with the first baby, and you have to bow to it despite sounding like life WITH him and his two kids does not work for you?

I would think VERY carefully about the man, the new baby, your future. Rather than putting all your eggs in one very fragile basket with this man, and forget your career plans....

UsedtobeFeckless · 09/07/2014 09:15

Bruno's right ( and everyone else ) Run for the hills!

He wants a bloody maid/childminder/bedwarmer not a partner - partners share the work!

Don't do it, really - you'll end up hating him and hating yourself for having let him into your home.

Theoldhag · 09/07/2014 09:35

Exactly why are you still with this poor excuse for a 'man'?

Hmm

You get one shot at this life and you are wasting it on a cocklodger, why? He behaves like a badly behaved child and you enable him. I'm sorry op but you do have choices you know, go get your big girls pants on and take back your life.

cheminotte · 09/07/2014 09:38

Well in the short term he won't be able to have the baby on his own if you split up, but longer term he will. Well done on all your hard work getting qualified. Don't throw it away now.

FidelineAndBombazine · 09/07/2014 09:39

I'm with Terry. I think you've posted before.

This is the chap in tied accomodation?

SusannahReid · 09/07/2014 09:49

I also don't understand why you can only train to be a teacher if you are on your own. Why would living with him stop you training? I do understand why you don't want to be with this fireman though.

FidelineAndBombazine · 09/07/2014 09:54

Funding Susannah.

SusannahReid · 09/07/2014 10:00

I see, thank you.

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2014 10:00

Nanny whether we stayed together or not he'd get to just do the good bits, and his shift and the baby breastfeeding means I'd have to be there too.

The baby won't breastfeed forever, and he will get to see it if you are available.

And do you actually think he'll be bothered to have them?

Doubtful.

As before, you're looking for excuses and I don't know why.

glasgowstevenagain · 09/07/2014 10:11

TeepeeTara Tue 08-Jul-14 14:03:01
Our first child together was planned as we were supposed to be moving in together. This one was as a result of the pill failing.

You planned your first child approx 50% of the way through your teaching training - degree + years probation?

glasgowstevenagain · 09/07/2014 10:14

If he is a fireman in tied accom and you move in, you will find yourself in this situation OP :(

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2125487-to-think-the-dc-and-I-shouldnt-have-to-be-restricted-by-being-on-call-just-because-dp-is?

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