to ask you if I'm selfish and too used to being a single mum or is moving in with dp not a good prospect?

[TeepeeTara]

Dp and I have been dating for 4 years. I have a 6 year old and he has a 5 and 8 year old whom he sees once per month. We have a one year old together and I've just discovered I'm pregnant. We were supposed to move in together before our one year old was born but he made a career choice that meant we couldn't. We separated for a few months but are now back together and he wants us to move in together and have this baby.

In my time as a single mum I've studied and managed to get a degree. I was planning to begin teacher training in September, but obviously this pregnancy has temporarily changed this. He works long hours, shifts and is away for periods at short notice. He can provide no support with the dc. His salary wouldn't be able to stretch to childcare even if I managed to fund teacher training so moving in with him effectively means I'll never have a career.

His dc only visit once per month as he only has one weekend off. They wake the whole house at 5 am, when he's working he wakes everyone at 6 am. This effectively means no lay ins ever again - this may sound a bit pathetic but my eldest has night terrors, youngest has never slept more than 4 hours and obviously the baby will keep me up, too so I'll be extremely sleep deprived which wouldn't be helpful when I'd be doing all day time childcare plus night wakings.

He has much lower standards of cleanliness than me to the point I think it's gross. I.e. His dog had diarrhoea indoors after an operation - he just picked it up with a tissue but didn't clean the floor. The bottom.of his toilet is permanently stained from lack of cleaning. His draining board has black crusty water residue. I don't mind cleaning my and the dcs mess, but think I'd resent cleaning and tidying after him.

My eldest has ASD and he constantly forgets/ignores her quirks which leads to meltdowns and it's just easier all round without him. I don't know if I'm just selfish and too set in my ways as a single mum (which dp thinks) or if I'm right in thinking moving in with really isn't an attractive prospect for me in any way. Obviously it'd be nice for the younger two to live with their father but it seems its to the detriment of everything else. Aibu and a cow, or are my instincts right and I should stick with being alone?

He sounded like he thinks he'll have it easy living with you to run around as cook and cleaner, and doing all the childcare - then I read his dc are mean to my eldest.

What BrunoBrookes said, or at least live apart.

OP don't stop listening to your instinct, don't move in with him.

What are you getting out of this, except another baby?

I think you'd have to be bonkers to even consider it. It does not sound like it would be a happy life for your children or for you. he sounds revolting and it doesn't take a genius to work out who'd end up doing all the cooking, cleaning, childcare etc etc.

Why on earth are you having children with this man?

On top of all your other issues, have you definitely sorted out the financial arrangements for living together?

Did you get funded for your Degree as a LP, will he help support you to pay it back.

Us he financially generous at present, do you claim as a LP, or do you declare that you are in a relationship and does he support you, now?

I think it's quite clear you dislike this man? Even though you have two children with him. I think the best thing all round here is to break off any romantic relationship with him. It's unfair on everyone involved to keep it going when you dislike him.

He can then move on and someone who likes his uncleanliness can move in and you can continue as you are albeit with contact for him and the children.

Fucking hell.

What a depressing thread.

Your DP has been dismissed as 'lazy' when by your own admission he works long hours.

You make a long list of complaints against him regarding his cleaning standards and other children and yet you chose to have 2 children with him.

You clearly don't want him to move in because it suits you financially to remain a single parent - nice to have that option when the taxpayer is picking up the bill.

And people wonder why so many men are cocklodgers...

Oh, and you wanted to move in together before but he put his career first and that was that. Now he wants to live together - now he's realised what a cushy number he could have - you're supposed to jump?

'Sorry. Just like when your career took precedence over us living together, now my life plans take precendence.'

oh and by the way you're dumped

Tryharder - single parent does not = benefit claimant, thanks. I currently work but I'd have to move to live withhim and my ssalary doesn't make the job worth going back to when taking into account the travel and childcare costs for three children.

Bruno - that's pretty much what I've said - that I waited for him despite huge detriment to myself (I.e. Studying for my final year of a degree with zero help with a high needs baby) and yet now it suits him I should drop my plans? He is guilt-tripping me saying our one year old isn't close to him because we've lived apart and that he doesn't want the same with this baby. I figure that if he's not going to get up at night or do any childcare without me there, this one will be exactly the same. Therefore living separately makes no difference.

I do love him, of course. Part of me thinks I'm being a bitch because he's giving up a potentially perfect lifestyle because he wants to live with us - ie at the moment he gets to have all the best bits of having kids without any of the mundane parts, same with me, he has freedom, his money is his own etc. If we lived together his life would change a great deal, even if he wasn't that hands on. But then another part of me thinks he's getting a cleaner and sex on tap while looking great for providing for his family and dp who 'chooses' not to work.

And what do you get out of all this?

Don't do it!

I don't see that I win either way, to be honest. I either live with him, resent him for me not having a career and me still doing everything but with extra hard work caused by him and his dc. Or, I live alone and raise three dc single-handedly and resent him because he's free to just dip in for the good bits.

YANBU, but just because you are with the wrong man. Dump.

But at least being alone I'd know it was my choice rather than one I felt I had to make, I guess.

The dog poo alone would be enough for me.

Sounds like you have absolutely nothing to gain from living with him.

You are dodging the questions (as is your right, of course), but what do you get out of the relationship?

Nothing you have said about him makes him sound like a catch or even much of a nice bloke.

There isn't one advantage of moving in and there seem to be many for leaving him altogether.

Op I remember you!

And this dp

Why are you still with him and why are you having another baby with?

You have posted about him numerous times and the replies are always the same. Do not move in with him! (And ltb)

Same thoughts here. You do sound like you would be better off living alone. What exactly do you want from him? He seems to be bringing precisely nothing to the relationship. You don't even sound emotionally attached to him in the slightest. Cut the dead wood and either be on your own or find someone decent who improves your life.

That sounded unnecessarily harsh op, sorry for the tone.

What Bruno said in her first post.

No, no, and thrice no.

If you aren't sure, do what he did and postpone for your career. See how you feel once you are a qualified teacher.

And in the meantime, he can get a grip of himself and learn to clean and not be a douchebag

The fact that he and his children make your kids unhappy is a huge no no.

Sounds like it would be a misery, I wouldn't do it. From what you have shared here, I don't think I could have any respect for him.

Another woman who is with a cocklodging loser. FGS, LTB.

You can have a termination if you don't want to parent another child.