Someone please tell me I'm normal & I'm not being unreasonable :-((

[luby03]

Someone please tell me I'm normal..........
I hit complete rock bottom on Saturday.......tears, well actually sobbing......shouting......slamming doors and now I feel dreadful :-(
My DP and I have been together now for 5.5 years and he took on my 3 DC, we also have a 18 month DD. I'm a SAHM who practises attachment parenting and have done with all my DC. I'm still feeding, probably too much but it's easier said than done! My older three children are 13 and 10 year old twins, they argue constantly and never do as they are asked.....
My DP spends weekdays working 9-5 and weekends we always try to get out, typical weekend is a trip to the beach or cycling......
The problems is my DP gets in from work and likes to rest as he's had a hard day so I have to continue looking after DD and the running of the house. I cook tea every week night and clear up (washing up) but DP does try to do it most weekends and I clear up. I do ALL the housework and garden, DP doesn't like gardening so wont do it but our landlord complains a lot about it so I have to do which is a struggle as toddler runs off as garden isn't secure.
He shouts at DC constantly which I can kind of understand as it is frustrating when all they do is argue but they are lovely lovely children who have glowing reports and you can take them anywhere.......I personally think they are just being children and he should chill but he won't. He never cuddles them, he kisses them all goodbye in the morning and tells them he loves them but that's it.
We have a lovely relationship apart from this, we never argue, we laugh together and our sex life is still there considering how many DC we have and one in the bed ;-) if we didn't have children our relationship would be perfect really......(I don't really think he's cut out to be a dad!)
I'm over tired and I've told DP this, I've told him I'm really struggling so on Thursday I saw a message from another woman on Facebook.....I asked him who it was and he said a girl from his past......fair enough nothing else said.
I've never felt truly loved by him, I always feel like someone got away and I'm second best......I've no idea why I feel like this as he's never mentioned anyone. He talks about marriage but has never proposed, he says we can't afford it.......since we've been together he's had an insurance payout but he didn't put any aside for a ring :-(
We don't have any help, my mum doesn't love me, my sister can count on one hand how many times she's met our DD, DP mum is an alcoholic, his dad lives abroad and his sister doesn't speak to any of his family....
So anyway on Friday I exploded slightly, I sent him some texts on the lines of....he doesn't love me because he's never bothered to ask me to marry him yet he talks about it, he's lazy because he doesn't help me. I said I felt sick to the stomach when I saw a message from another woman and wanted to look but I wouldn't and I shouldn't be feeling like this nearly 6 years on. I told him I was struggling and I rang the doctors......etc.....When he came home from work I was resting on our bed heartbroken as I was really struggling and the older DC were looking after DD, he didn't even come in to see if I was ok. He ate his tea and watched football then came to bed about midnight so I pretended to be asleep as didn't want a row. The next morning he didn't speak to me so I gathered all the children and started putting the bikes on the car crying......I ended up shouting at him as all I wanted was for him to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok, I'd cried out for help and I got the silent treatment then he got cross and shouted at me.......he ended up coming with us and the next day we spent the day at the beach......
I now feel I will never tell him how I feel as he wasn't supportive in anyway.
But was I wrong? Am I being wrong in wanting him to help with DD? Maybe brush her teeth for me or change a nappy, maybe play with her more? Is it wrong of me to want this?
This morning he told me not to forget to get hold of GP.......mums up at school laughed and said I didn't need to go to the doctors.....they said it was all normal and they can't believe I've never lost it before as they do it all the time......
Is there something wrong with me?
Why does he think I'm not good enough to marry but I'm good enough to have his DD and do everything for him? I don't think for one second he would cheat on me so why would I feel so sad that another woman has messaged him.....I've never been a jealous person......
It's always bothered me he shouts at the DC & I do tell him but he won't change. I've also told him now and again he's lazy but it's not worth the hassle I get so I just get on and do it all myself but having a toddler and doing everything is taking its toll.......and to top it all off we have no money and my car is poorly, I'm so scared I'm going to have to do the summer holidays without a car again :-)
Please someone tell me I'm not loosing the plot? X

That's long! I would say stop feeding the 18 month old and don't spend every weekend out and about. Stay home and chill a bit more. Have a frank discussion about your future and find out what this text with the woman was and it will get to you. I would have continued looking!

Yes it was long....sorry! Felt better though getting it all off my chest
We've tried the staying in bit but the DC argue more when they are in, it seems to be easier to take them out and ware them out......
I have contemplated stopping feeding but I will feel so bad if I do as I fed my others till they were 3 and aimed to that with DD.....I'm also a breastfeeding advisor so it's a massive thing in my life.......
I don't feel I can't talk to him at the moment as he just gets upset with me, I'm not bothered about the message as I know what Facebook is like I just can't believe I felt the way I did when I saw it......he told me it was nothing and I believe him, I don't need to see it!
I just want him to help me more but not sure if I'm being unreasonable asking for this......
I think I'm just over tired and spending too much time at home with a toddler

Oh wow, what a complex situation. I'm a SAHM with 2 school age and one toddler who does nursery 2 mornings a week. I do all the cooking, cleaning, etc but I have breaks when DS is at nursery and nap time so it's quite different from your situation. I think your DP should definitely step up re caring for the children. You need a break sometimes too! I don't know if people like your DP can change. If this situation has been acceptable for so many years, is it possible that he will do anything differently when this suits him so well?

I know some will disagree, but I think if he won't marry you after so long and with a child together, and you clearly want it, then to me you're not getting what you need and it's time to think about other alternatives. It just doesn't sound like a great thing for you or your kids. Do you have skills you could get a job with to support your kids? Is leaving a possibility? Could you try relationship counselling like Relate? I don't think you are BU to be unhappy in this situation!

You poor thing, it sounds like you are physically and emotionally exhausted.

Is there any chance for you to have any time alone? I think you need to speak to him without any blame and explain that you are not coping with the workload you have. It's all very well that he likes to rest after work but you are also "on duty" all day looking after a toddler (I have an 18 month old myself, dp acknowledges that going to work feels like a holiday compared to caring for ds full time, dp took 5 months paternity leave with ds and loves spending time with him but he has an understanding that it's bloody hard caring for a small child) could you leave your dp with your toddler and take the older children out next weekend? It's not nice for your older dc to be shouted at, they sound like lovely kids and to be honest it sounds like they support you more than your dp.

Does your youngest wake at night?

I too think that maybe you should at least cut down the bf. 18 months is amazing and with other children it becomes a case of thinking about what's best for you and your whole family. Your dd will be just fine. Whereas you need rest.

Can I ask you why you want to get married. I don't mean that on a nasty way but you do gone across as if your self worth is dependant on whether or not he was to marry you. It's not something either of you should do unless it's for the right reasons and you thinking it may mean he's more committed, or him trying to make you happy are not the right reasons. In a equal happy relationship whether or not you get married shouldn't e such a big deal as it shouldn't change anything with regards to how commited you are to eachother.

Can you put the youngest in a nursery, give yourself done alone time, or time with friends so it's not all about housework and waiting for him to come home

When we first met though it was me who didn't want marriage or any more children, it was him who mentioned marriage and having a baby......he's completely changed my mind about marriage but it just seems he talks the talk but does nothing about it.....,I understand we can't afford a wedding but a ring doesn't cost the earth....he could have done this by now......
As for leaving him, I have thought about it as it must be draining on my elder DC but I do love him and so do the children. He's just too serious and needs to chill a lot! I did say if he'd not made an honest woman of me by the time DD was one I would leave him but she's now 18 months :-(
Our DD wakes about every 2/3 hours, she doesn't always feed.....it's just a comfort thing but she doesn't wake him, he never hears her. As soon as we can afford it I have said I want to get her a cot and put her in with one of the others as she wakes me too much.
I couldn't get through the days with my older DC......they are fantastic with her, they help me so much.......I look forward to 3:30 so much :-)

It sounds like a classic case of a lot of relatively small things combining into one almighty source of stress. I think that texting your partner, whilst it gives you the chance to offload and say what you want without being interrupted, is not the best way to open up a discussion about bigger issues, so I can understand that it did not have the desired effect, but that doesn't mean that your concerns aren't valid. I think you need to try and separate out the things which do not relate to one another and tackle them individually.

1. It sounds like you are feeling insecure at the moment, and whilst that's perfectly reasonable and understandable, sending a text with such BIG questions in it to your partner whilst he was at work probably wasn't the best way to go about resolving anything. Instead of asking him why he hasn't proposed, why not ask what he thinks would need to happen in order for him to feel ready for marriage. Is it just money? Is he worried that the family dynamic will change? Do you think he would rather not have your youngest in your bed every night? Or is it just that he is perfectly happy with things the way they are and you will need to be the one who 'asks' if you want to get married?

1. Him not pulling his weight around the house- changing nappies and brushing teeth shouldn't be things he does 'for you' they are things he should do for his daughter, and for himself as it gives him a chance to be involved in her life. In terms of other housework, would something like a rota help, so that you both have defined chores and don't end up resenting the other one for not doing certain jobs?

1. The balance between step children and biological children can be tricky to manage and it sounds as though you are concerned that he isn't getting it right. Does he share any interests with the older kids? Is there something that they could do together that might get them to interact more closely and actually enjoy spending time together. Does he have a hobby that the kids would like to learn or even the same taste in films? It can be hard to feel the same closeness for step children that you have for your own - especially if they are already fully formed people when you start living with them, but it sounds like his heart is in the right place so maybe he just needs a little encouragement to interact with them more. That would probably also help them to calm down a bit as they would be getting more attention and perhaps be less inclined to bicker with one another.

1. The message from another woman - would this have bothered you if it weren't for everything else? Do you really not trust him, or do you think it's a case of feeling under appreciated and looking for evidence that he isn't as invested in the relationship as you would like.

Is there any way you could get a night off, just the two of you, so that you can really talk and thrash out some of these issues? I don't mean writing out a list of complaints or presenting him with an ultimatum, just working out ways that you can keep the lines of communication open and not hurting each other over silly things because you're avoiding talking about something bigger.

Good luck - I hope this essay hasn't sent you to sleep, but there was so much in your post and you sound as though everything is piling up on top of you!

Upon further consideration, I wasn't trying to say that he should marry you tomorrow because it's what you want and then it would all be ok. You shouldn't get married if there are so many other issues that you are talking about, or rather try to sort these other problems out first. Marriage isn't the answer to a troubled relationship, IYSWIM.

The 13 yo and 10 to twins are old enough to do the gardening. Use that when they're arguing; send them outside and tell them to get on with it. They'll soon connect arguing with doing stuff they don't want to do.

I don't think it's unreasonable to be BF an 18 month old, maybe just cut down the feeds.

Try staying at home at the weekends, rather than always going out, and doing family stuff, bonding stuff. Your DP might just find it uncomfortable displaying affection towards the children, I don't think you can push him into changing this, it has to come naturally.

Gileswithachainsaw I completely get what your saying about it being about the whole family, I am seriously think about it but I think once I've got her in her own room it won't be as bad....,,but if it is then I will stop.
As for the marriage thing, I've never in my life wanted to.....I was with my eldest DC dad for 10 years and I never wanted to but it's different this time....I'd said I didn't want anymore DC unless we were married and I didn't even want that but he managed to talk me into it......he made marriage sound lovely because we love each other and it would be lovely for the children too.....I think I'm just struggling because it was his idea yet he's don't nothing about it, if he'd never mentioned it then I guess it wouldn't bother me.......oh I don't know what's wrong with me.....I do love my independence and I always said I'd die not married.....
My friend is dying of pancreatic cancer and she's not married and wishes she had, maybe this is having an affect on me......who knows

Have you got anything you can sell? Can you go on free cycle and get a cot bed, and scrape together enough for a mattress, it's the summer holidays soon and that's the perfect one to make the transition as your older ones won't be at school.

Do you think he feels pushed out? Like the older ones aren't his and only you can comfort the toddler so he's given up even bothering?

Doesn't excuse it but maybe he's had enough if sharing the he's with a baby and not being able to take any part in it. I know I'd struggle with having a child in my bed all the time and he's entitled to feel differently about parenting than you. But it shouldn't translate into him being an arse.

I think you need time away from the kids and him to concentrate on something other than being a mum. Can you meet friends for a coffee or go shopping?

I'm sorry about your friend

Do you know friends who also have a toddler and might be willing to have yours for an hour or two a week in exchange for you watching theirs for an hour or two? I've done this before and it was really nice because it was free, my child was with a friend and not too far away, but mostly because it gave me a sense of being part of a 'team'. Like the childcare wasn't just on my shoulders alone. Don't know if that sounds strange.

And I hope you don't take all that the wrong way. It's not meant to be nasty, just you clearly feel strongly about your parenting method and couples don't always agree on that and that makes it very hard for people.

DoJo, I'm feeling really insecure at the moment which I've never felt before....,,I've been telling him this for weeks now and I've been telling him that I'm struggling to do everything so although my texts were wrong and I know this....they were me exploding, if I'd been my normal self I would have never have sent them.
I understand about step children and I think he does a good job of not showing the difference since we've had DD. it's not just the older ones he doesn't do anything with it's all of them. My DS has started to like football as it's DP life but he won't take him to play, he says he'll take him when he can start doing as he's told :-(
My 13 year old hates him as she says it doesn't matter what she does it's wrong and in my eyes she perfect, she's above average at school, she has glowing reports, she's always winning awards for her behaviour and people comment on how lovely she is where ever we go.......I've tried explaining to DP that she has to be naughty somewhere and to be fair she's not half as bad as some 13 year olds, he just seems so have it in for her :-(
I wouldn't marry him now because I'm clearly not happy, I just feel strange that he's the one who brings it up yet he does nothing about it which is making me feel he doesn't really love me.......
All this just sounds pathetic but right now it's all really bothering me as I'd like to be his priority and not an option and that's how I feel :-(

I think you need to put everything on hold, the two of you sit in a room without tv or computers on and have a really big discussion to make a long term plan. It sounds as if you are both living life reactively, just responding to what needs to be done. If you sit down and talk about the future, schools, plans, things like Wills, retirement etc he might see that there is more to your relationship than just plodding on and keeping going and if you can both agree on where you're heading then it might make him see that you are both making a big commitment.

You need to prioritise sleep as well, you sound exhausted.

He's all for the way I parent as he can see how secure it's made my others, I have been saying for a while now I need her out of our bed because I need sleep and he's agreed....I think because she doesn't wake him it's not on the top of his list!
I'm not offended by any of the messages, they are all lovely and helpful.......and please don't get me wrong he's a lovely lovely man, he's just a stress head who doesn't really think about others.....it's all about his feelings, I think because I'm quite strong when I do break he can't handle it.....it's like he doesn't know what to do......rather than just hug me he shouts.
My poor next door neighbour stopped me this morning because they heard us arguing and then she saw me sat in the garden sobbing and her husband told her to go and get me as I probably just need a big hug as it's hard being a parent but she was scared to as he was shouting and she didnt want to make it worse.......
Don't get me wrong though we never argue........I think it's just all me, I think I'm over tired and this is making me over emotional and very insecure.......,I do need help though as I can't physically keep the house and the toddler........
My friend is going to sit for us on Friday night and DP is taking the day off so we can do something :-)

I do think you get out what you put in though and he seems to put nothing in!! She won't go to him but she'll go to my other DD because she plays with her, she'll also pick my friend over me because she loves spending time with her....,.i do think if my DP put the effort in with her she would go to him more

Can I ask what age the other children were when they stopped waking in the night?

Could it be that AP just doesn't suit this one and maybe some structure/set feeding times and own bed would be better for her (and you)

I know it's hard when what you wAnt and your child reading plans don't go accordingly and you have to try other things. It doesn't mean you failed at anything it just means you had to re think things ( mine didn't read the books either and dd2 was a crap bfeeder! So much so I had to stop after 3 weeks as we were both miserable)

X posts, sorry

Stratter5, I am defiantly going to send the children into the garden every time they argue.........it will be the best garden in the street :-)

Unrealhousewife, talking from future experience he doesn't do talking.....he gets very defensive and I end up backing down for a quiet life. I will try and Friday though but he doesn't think there's anything wrong, he thinks I'm just over tired and I need to go to the doctors. On Saturday he said I was being silly about marriage as he loves me we just can't afford it.......he laughs about housework, this morning he said leave the kitchen till I come home but if I did he wouldn't be happy......he'd ask what I've been doing all day......he often says I have free time!!! If only :-)
He buries his head all the time, I'm sure he does because I'm always asking for help with DD and he doesn't bother :-(

A toddler, ap, 3 tweenagers, step parenting, sahm and unhelpful DP and no family support would make anyone stressed.

I think how you feel is normal.

It reminded me of some times with DP.

Prioritise the cot/moving dd.

Dd1 rather

Get your DD into her own bed asap - you need some unbroken sleep to be able to function. Are you demand feeding still or have you now got a more set routine? I was wondering if a routine would help you keep up the BF without wearing yourself out.

Your DP can help out with the DC after work. He can help with bath and bed etc. I work long hours and when I get in I am straight on to HW duty and bedtime.

DC do argue and its stressful to be around - my two drive me up the wall at times with the sniping and niggling. No matter how good they are in school if what your DP sees a lot of the time is low level warfare then that is going to colour his impression.

These books are good

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1853408573/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=479289247&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1848123094&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_r=1XB4SGNKVRN3FTG24V56

www.amazon.co.uk/Calmer-Easier-Happier-Parenting-Revolutionary/dp/144472990X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1404733748&sr=1-1&keywords=calmer+easier+happier+parenting

Has he ever looked after your DD on his own for several hours. If you have a BF routine so you can go out and leave her with him; go out! He probably has no idea what it is like looking after a child of that age.