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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that my husband is being out of order and not pulling his weight as a dad

69 replies

Kweaver90 · 05/07/2014 23:41

A few nights ago my husband told me that he would do all the night feeds this weekend and give me a break as I am up every weeknight with our daughter.

Well last night he didn't wake for either feed until he heard me get up to get her milk and when she started crying, so no night off for me then as I still felt like I was doing the feed.

And tonight is just one step further! We went to out friends daughters 9th birthday party and we stayed on afterwards with the parents and some other friends to have a few drinks, by 7.30 I decided that it was time to leave as 1. I wasn't drinking and 2. We needed to get her home and to bed etc, he decided he wasn't ready to leave so he stayed on which ok I wasn't happy with but he said he'd be home in an hour or so.

It is now 11.30 and he is still not home and after having phoning him I have found out he hasn't left our friends house yet and that he is drunk! Not happy one little bit.

Am I being unreasonable to think that he isn't pulling his weight and is being out of order? Help please!

OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 05/07/2014 23:45

Yanbu!

You need to nip this sort of behaviour in the bud quick smart. It'll only get worse. He might just need to see how upset you are. But bottom line, he needs to pull his weight. Parenting is a joint venture as far as I'm concerned!

Original poster
Kweaver90 · 05/07/2014 23:49

That is what I thought. Thanks for your advice paddingtonthebear.

OP posts:
User100 · 05/07/2014 23:54

YANBU about tonight at all but yabu to complain about last night. If he's a deeper sleeper than you (which from your post is what was happening) then he can't really control that.

Beemer30 · 05/07/2014 23:57

I've written similar posts. My DD is 3 next week I have a 6 month old to. He's never once got up in the night and I can't count on one hand the amount of times I've slept through the night in the past 3 years.

Yanbu

arethereanyleftatall · 05/07/2014 23:57

I don't think he's been that bad tbh. He meant to get up, but just didn't hear her, - so next time he offers, prod him awake. And re night out, monkey sure why you would have had to go home at the same time? Take it in turns to drink and enjoy yourself when you get the chance.

Original poster
Kweaver90 · 05/07/2014 23:58

He isn't a deeper sleeper than me at all. Our daughter is 1 month old and he has heard her sometimes before I have in this period.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 05/07/2014 23:58

Monkey??? I meant 'nit'

arethereanyleftatall · 05/07/2014 23:58

Ffs. Not.

Paddingtonthebear · 06/07/2014 00:00

That's true about the deep sleeping. Good point.

But.

If he said he would do the night wakes to give you a break, it's unlikely to happen if he's pissed.

So when you left that party, there was an assumption on his behalf that you would go home and do all the child care.

That's not on and that's the sort of stuff you need to be having a chat about.

AgentZigzag · 06/07/2014 00:01

I'm not sure, just those two things don't say he isn't pulling his weight as a parent because it'd depend on how he is the rest of the time.

He can't really help not waking up when your DD starts crying, unless he does wake up but can't be arsed to go and see to her, that wouldn't be OK, nobody wants to get up lots in the middle of the night.

It's only 11.30 Grin he's hardly staying out until all hours is he? Deciding to stop on at a friends house to have a couple more drinks doesn't make him a bad dad.

'I decided that it was time to leave'

That does sound pretty controlling, doesn't he get a say in what he'd prefer to do?

Original poster
Kweaver90 · 06/07/2014 00:03

I understand about having our own nights out (I am having one myself next week) as I think that is fair. But why tell me to not worry and get some sleep this weekend if he is going to do the opposite? We would leave at the same time due to us being parents (?!) sorry if that seems unreasonable but I thought it seemed fair.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 06/07/2014 00:05

If you want to leave at the sand time, why are you the one who gets to decide when that time is?

Original poster
Kweaver90 · 06/07/2014 00:07

Agentzigzag - I get your point exactly and I am not controlling with him yes he does get a say in what he wants to do and ok maybe I am being a bit out of order regarding him pulling his weight as a dad but I am starting to feel like that as he does wake most weekends and can't be bothered to get up to change/feed her etc.

I do take your advice on board though thank you.

OP posts:
Trollsworth · 06/07/2014 00:08

Because the baby needed to go home to bed.

Whoknowswhocares · 06/07/2014 00:09

I don't understand what happened last night.
You had a prearranged agreement that he would get up and sort out dd. He allegedly 'slept through' her first cries. Why in earth did you get up and not wake him, roll over and let him deal with it as promised?

He can only let you do everything if you allow it by doing all the work!! Stop being silently resentful and make him do his share.

WorraLiberty · 06/07/2014 00:09

Why did you get up when you heard her?

He offered to do it so surely you'd just wake him and point out the baby is crying? Confused

Original poster
Kweaver90 · 06/07/2014 00:10

Sorry I think people are reading that fact that I decided to leave in the wrong way.

When I say I decided to leave I meant I was leaving to come home and that he would do what he wanted, I didn't tell him that he had to come home.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 06/07/2014 00:10

Could you take one night each on every weekend? That would be fair. And could you sleep in a xifferent room away from baby to make sure he defo gets off his arse and up?

Original poster
Kweaver90 · 06/07/2014 00:13

I am going to now suggest that we take one night each at a weekend as I think as you say it is fair. And unfortunately we are in a two bed house at the moment so I have nowhere else to sleep other than on the sofa - and I don't quite fancy that ??

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 06/07/2014 00:14

He shouldn't be promising things that he can't deliver on, are there other places he could pick up the slack which would have more chance of him pulling it off? Like taking your DD out in the daytime so you can have a bit of space/kip? Take on a routine job you're not up to at the min, like the dinner or bathing your DD?

Why did he make the promise in the first place? Does that suggest you maybe brought it up that you're under pressure and needed more support? That would make a difference IMO because it'd say it's not just these two things.

Maryz · 06/07/2014 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 06/07/2014 00:16

If you didn't tell him that he had to come home I'm not sure what the problem with him staying is, unless I've missed something?

Original poster
Kweaver90 · 06/07/2014 00:17

He could pick up the slack during the day at the weekends yes and with dinner etc but he has minimal effort with these at the moment.

He made the promise himself I had no suggestion in the matter at all as I know he works full time so I guess I feel that I should do most of the feeds etc. maybe he saw how tired I am (?)

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 06/07/2014 00:18

Can you trust him to wake up and sort your DD if you take a night off every other weekend?

Original poster
Kweaver90 · 06/07/2014 00:19

You haven't missed something no I just assumed that as he said he would do the feeds etc that he would be home at a more reasonable hour than in the early hours

OP posts: