To think that my husband is being out of order and not pulling his weight as a dad

[Kweaver90]

A few nights ago my husband told me that he would do all the night feeds this weekend and give me a break as I am up every weeknight with our daughter.

Well last night he didn't wake for either feed until he heard me get up to get her milk and when she started crying, so no night off for me then as I still felt like I was doing the feed.

And tonight is just one step further! We went to out friends daughters 9th birthday party and we stayed on afterwards with the parents and some other friends to have a few drinks, by 7.30 I decided that it was time to leave as 1. I wasn't drinking and 2. We needed to get her home and to bed etc, he decided he wasn't ready to leave so he stayed on which ok I wasn't happy with but he said he'd be home in an hour or so.

It is now 11.30 and he is still not home and after having phoning him I have found out he hasn't left our friends house yet and that he is drunk! Not happy one little bit.

Am I being unreasonable to think that he isn't pulling his weight and is being out of order? Help please!

That sounds like an amazing idea fuckyou you've obviously been down this road before. Wish I had discovered MN 7 months ago!

Thank you all for your advice. As thought DH has woken with a hangover this morning so guess who will be looking after DD today!

Tiredemma the only thing he does round the house is DIY (which is very rarely) and the garden (again on occasion when it needs doing) I am expected (and have been told this by DH) to cook, clean, wash, walk dog and anyother 'housewife' duties

Ok, harsh truth- stop being a martyr. I was very guilty of this when viewers small, but the build up of resentment just isn't worth it, HE won't notice you are ending up still doing it all.
So what if he is hungover? He promised to help out, he chose to stay out late, consequence of that is not that he gets the day off, consequence is he looks after the baby with a hangover. Get yourself sorted and go out for the morning / afternoon. Leave him to it.

He's told you that those are your 'duties'. Fuck that.

Lets face it, this is not the kind of man who's going to actually get up with the baby. He's all talk, purely to placate you. He sounds like a lazy, misogynistic arse and unless you put your foot down right now and get him pulling his weight, this will be the way your life will pan out - permanently.

Is this your first child? Don't have any more with this lump of lard unless he proves that he can fully contribute to family life.

Working FT and earning money does not make his sleep/health/wishes more important than yours. He should be doing his fair share of nights and domestic work. His attitude sounds awful and sexist.

But why did you get up instead of poking/kicking him, and why did you get up with the baby just cos he has a hangover. Being a martyr and attempting to match up to his (ridiculous) expectations is not a great plan.

Oh, and I hope you have a job becau

You're "expected" to do everything? I think you have bigger problems than just night wakings. He sounds like an unappreciative arse. Time to get tough with him.

Because being a sahm with a husband with this attitude and behaviour is probably unwise.

Hangover doesn't stop him looking after the baby. It just makes it unpleasant for him :) (passive aggressive smiley).

As long as he's not actually drunk, he'll be fine. I second the "don't be a martyr". He offered to help, you accepted, he has a duty to help. Ideally you should go out for a couple of hours.

But FFS don't let him sleep it off and have a lie in because he was an idiot! This is isn't going to change unless you make it.

It's up to you.

If you just came here to vent (which is fine and we all do it!) but actually accept nothing will change and you're ok with that, then that's absolutely fine.

If you want him to actually step up and do things then you need to start telling him what you need. Sighing and saying "I'm so tired" are not going to work. Communicate what you need. Give him a chance to be a fantastic dad.

Take him a coffee, say, "since I didn't get any sleep either night, I've made arrangements to go out, here's the baby, bottles are out there. She needs feeding in an hour and her nappies are strewn liberally around the house (I may be projecting my house's arrangements), I'll be back around 12, but might be later. I'll hold her while you get up."

And then go! Even if you only walk once around the block and then come back, you'll have made a difference.

He is a dad now. He has responsibilities.

It would be different if last night was a prearranged bender, but it wasn't. Dh is off out next weekend, and I've offered him all of Sunday to recover. That's fine. And he'd do the same for me. But today hour dh is taking the piss.

If you didn't tell him that he had to come home I'm not sure what the problem with him staying is, unless I've missed something?

The OP shouldn't need to tell him to come home! He is an adult FGS.

He told her that he would do the nights this weekend and then 'forgot' this undertaking when a better offer came up. That is not the behaviour of a responsible adult.

He clearly sees parenting as a role he can step in and out of at his convenience and the OP will always pick up the bits he doesn't want to do.

OP, you need to remind him that, while he isn't at work, you are jointly responsible for the childcare and, if he's agreed to look after her, he needs to do it.

I cant believe that some people are telling you that you should be grateful because he has 'acknowledged' that you need a break.

Basically he has made a token effort to help but not actually followed it through. If you know you are getting up with a month old baby you certainly don't stay drinking till midnight and beyond. He's made the offer knowing there is no way he's is actually going to do it and that you will get up with the baby as usual but offering gives him the kudos of seeming to actually care. The question remains as to how you are going to deal with his 'empty' promises

I have told him I am going out for the morning but not before telling him that he needs to change and not be a dad when he feels like it and that I am not here just to keep the house tidy, cook his dinners and wash his clothes.

It feels good to have that off my chest at last. Now to see if he is going to change for the best as if he doesn't I guess I have a serious decision to make

Good for you! Make sure you stay firm too!
I'm open mouthed at the posters saying that him noticing you are shattered is plenty and that him actually doing something about it would be too much to expect. I actually think the opposite. Fair enough if he hadn't realised, but to actually see how exhausted you are doing it all yourself and not want to help even a little bit is worse than not noticing in my book!!!

Kweaver, you are probably doing him a favour as well as your children. They won't see him as a useless unhelpful grouch any more. Sometimes you do have to walk out the door for a few hours to let them get on with it. I'm sure he will rise to it, he's probably more scared to do it than anything else. Keep us posted. And turn off your phone!

I was the poster who said it was good he noticed how tired the OP was even though he didn't get up as promised.

I didn't mean it excused him not doing anything, but anyone can do a couple of jobs around the house when their DP asks them to help more, which then always conveniently tails off after a couple of days and they revert to doing fuck all.

Him actually noticing how tired the OP is off his own back and trying to do something about it, even if his DD didn't wake him up in the night (which I still can't see how he can help that), says he cares about the OP and will say it out loud, and that to me means a lot.

There's nothing worse than someone ignoring/not seeing the outward signs of someone struggling when they're plain to everyone else. He let the OP down on this occasion, but there's more chance of him changing his ways when he's acknowledged how tired she is on his own than if he was doing it only to stop the OP going on at him after a row.

Saying that though, how on earth did the conversation about his expectations of housewifely duties come about OP? It's reasonable to talk about who's going to do what around the house, but the way you've written it makes it sound as though you're not involved in the decision that he does the grass and you do Everything Else.

I am expected (and have been told this by DH) to cook, clean, wash, walk dog and any other 'housewife' duties

What year does he imagine he's living in?

You're partners, you share things. That's the good things and the not so good things. He shouldn't do things to "help you out" as that implies it is your role but he should do things because they need doing.

My ex would always say, tell me what needs doing and I'll do it. No, why should I have to spell it out? So I did nothing for a week. No washing, cooking, cleaning, nothing. I read, lazed around, had my main meal at work and made myself a sarnie if I was hungry. He began to realise that the Laundry Fairy, Loo Cleaning Fairy, Cooking Fairy and Washing Up Fairy did not exist and to give him his due, he then started to pull his weight around the house. Including putting his dirty clothes into the wash rather than leaving them on the floor! Something his mother never managed to instil into him.

So when DD came along he was well prepared and did share the night feeds. He was still a nob but a almost civilised nob.

My DH never did night feeds. I breasted for 4 months and then when I put her on formula, he told me that was my personal choice so therefore I did the night feeds.

I think it's good of your DH to offer.

rounded I am at that. Good lord. Does he think his child is not his responsibility too?! Poor.

Thank fuck my husband doesn't think the way that some appear to.