Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my husband is being out of order and not pulling his weight as a dad

69 replies

Kweaver90 · 05/07/2014 23:41

A few nights ago my husband told me that he would do all the night feeds this weekend and give me a break as I am up every weeknight with our daughter.

Well last night he didn't wake for either feed until he heard me get up to get her milk and when she started crying, so no night off for me then as I still felt like I was doing the feed.

And tonight is just one step further! We went to out friends daughters 9th birthday party and we stayed on afterwards with the parents and some other friends to have a few drinks, by 7.30 I decided that it was time to leave as 1. I wasn't drinking and 2. We needed to get her home and to bed etc, he decided he wasn't ready to leave so he stayed on which ok I wasn't happy with but he said he'd be home in an hour or so.

It is now 11.30 and he is still not home and after having phoning him I have found out he hasn't left our friends house yet and that he is drunk! Not happy one little bit.

Am I being unreasonable to think that he isn't pulling his weight and is being out of order? Help please!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kweaver90 · 06/07/2014 00:21

I would like to think that he will agentzigzag but I am not sure now.

OP posts:
Verystickypaws · 06/07/2014 00:21

Um. He said he would do all the night feeds. Kick and kick again until he gets up to do it. Next weeknight remind him that you still didn't get the rest because you STILL had to organize it. So it wasn't a rest at all, not like he gets all the other nights. So the deal still stands for the next weekend. If he doesn't get it you can wake him every might for at least 15 mind scratching minutes because it must still be a rest, that is being kind.

AgentZigzag · 06/07/2014 00:24

'maybe he saw how tired I am'

Tbh, and I might have low expectations, but the fact that he'd noticed would mean more to me than him actually getting his act together enough to follow through with it.

Obviously that would be the icing, but an acknowledgement of how much you're doing is a good start.

You should definitely poke him into getting up when you hear your DD though, can't understand why you didn't.

AgentZigzag · 06/07/2014 00:27

Yeah, ignore my advice to poke him, Verystickys kicking would be more effective Grin

Or something noisy on your phone played next to his ear?

Water pistol?

Radio alarm thrown at his head?

Original poster
Kweaver90 · 06/07/2014 00:28

When she woke the second time I poked him to tell him she was awake but he didn't acknowledge me and by this time she had been waking/crying for sometime.

I guess the fact he acknowledged my tiredness is a start yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kweaver90 · 06/07/2014 00:29

Haha I will take all those suggestions on board Smile

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 06/07/2014 00:38

Just keep repeating his name and booting him until he stirs, even if he wakes up just to tell you to fuck off it's a result because he's awake then and you can roll over a be all comfortable while he gets up Smile

I've just been back to look at how old your DD is, awww, she's only a month, it's going to take some time to adjust to who should do what. I know you don't (in effect) have a choice, but some things might take a little longer to work through.

How's everything else going?

Original poster
Kweaver90 · 06/07/2014 00:45

I think I'm going to have to start waking him from now on, may use some of your suggestions Smile

Besides this everything else is going well, she feeds and naps well and she goes through the night about 4 hours sometimes even 7! Grin

OP posts:
Mumyum1 · 06/07/2014 01:04

OP ... You should be happy he's noticed. And it's only a month that lo's been around!! Next step is def to kick him I agree ... Though tbh if your LO is a crier then but sure how u will ignore it!
If it's any consolation at all ... My LO is 7mo and since he's birth I've always been the one to feed and change nappies at night, DH possibly changed nappy once at night when my parents slept over. He's never ever offered to take LO from me for even an hour, I've always had to tell him to 'offer'!! By the time I 'tell' him this it's by way of screaming at him how much I resent him. I'm actually ok with it now because I'm resigned to it. But not a day goes by that I'm not told how stressed he is, tired he is, sleep deprived he is, and that he woke each time I got up for LO (implying i don't have the monopoly on tiredness). Tbh tho he does work very hard and long hours. I realise there's no hope for me.

Anyway, I didn't mean to hijack your thread by my self-pitying tirade. I just wanted you to know there's worse out there!! Baby steps - at least he noticed and said put loud, and planned to help!!! Just help him realise his plan next time. Oh, and tell him you appreciate his good intentions. Apparently they like to hear that kind of thing.

AgentZigzag · 06/07/2014 01:06

Take every opportunity you can to recharge your batteries, even if you have to elbow your way though to it.

Could some of it be because you're not feeling able to give up some of the care of your DD to your DH? That you're somehow not doing enough for your DD if you do? That your expectation of what you should be doing doesn't allow your DH to develop his role as her dad?

Mumyum1 · 06/07/2014 01:08

Ps so on Sunday I'm doing a shift at work but its 1am and guess who just went to crying baby because DH was relaxing after a very tiring week.

I agree with earlier poster - nip this shit in the bud!!!!

AgentZigzag · 06/07/2014 01:10

'and that he woke each time I got up for LO'

And he's still alive? Shock

You're a better person than me Mumyum1 Grin There would have been murders.

ICanSeeTheSun · 06/07/2014 01:16

Can you sleep in the day. If so DH and I used to do shifts.

I breastfed ds but in the day time all I did was feed DS then go back to sleep. This was on the weekends. During the week once he came home I used to go to sleep.

Original poster
Kweaver90 · 06/07/2014 01:40

Mumyum1 I do get that there are worse out there but like yours my DH wakes but let's me do the feeding and I am getting slightly annoyed with it now. I know he is the one that goes to work and does long hours to bring money in but a little help wouldn't go a miss without me asking him to take her off me for a few hours etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kweaver90 · 06/07/2014 01:41

Agentzigzag I would happily give up some of my DDs care. It's just I have to ask him to take her out etc.

OP posts:
Maryz · 06/07/2014 01:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumyum1 · 06/07/2014 02:31

kweaver I'm sure you are a tad more than 'slightly annoyed'!!!!! I totally feel you, I feel there's no hope for me because it's been 7 months and I allowed it to happen. My mother told me for the first 6 months to rather be the one who was more hands on, better for baby she said. She said do it for baby, not DH. So this helped me to get up. It did not stop me having hateful thoughts toward DH or fantasise about leaving him as he was not helping at all and hence I would be better off without him. I used to tell him I feel like a single mom. He would then tell me he'd happily trade places with me and look after DC all day while I worked. I would respond by saying I could never do that to my child, expose him to DH for so long, it would fuck him up for life. I know, real mature, but that's what happens when resentment builds up. That's why I say nip it in the bud. Now, in the early days. I had planned on letting him do Saturday nights but he also works on Saturdays - not that I felt sorry for him, it's just I anticipated his argument and really couldn't be arsed to listen to whining and so I just left it. I have lost all sympathy for DH now and don't care how tired/stressed he is, because I don't think he has the ability to empathise with me. Like I say all in all a rather shit situation which could have turned out differently. So you should try to benefit from my hindsight I guess. That's why I posted. I draw solace from the fact that DS def prefers me!(for now anyway!)

Mumyum1 · 06/07/2014 02:35

agent the murders happened!! In my head only though!

And every morning I plan on sleeping with DS but never do. Once I did, after 10 min of sleeping I was awoken by a call on my fone even though it was on silent. It was MIL. Another murder in my head.

I'd better get some sleep, just finishing another feed. Gotta b at work in a few hours. Sad

AgentZigzag · 06/07/2014 03:03

If you're fully 'in charge' when he's out at work could he feel a bit of a spare part slotting back in when he's at home?

Because you're her main carer you know how she prefers things done and which bits and bobs make things go smoother, and he might not feel as confident as he'd like to so doesn't push you to take over? (not that it excuses him working it out with you)

I'm not saying I definitely think that's what's happening because I can only guess, but this baby lark is just so intense, it's easy to be thrown out off kilter by the sheer amount of things you have to do/remember Shock

I can't believe people have more than one tbh Grin

chocolatemademefat · 06/07/2014 06:02

He has a baby who needed to go to bed and had promised he'd be the one getting up in the night. Why should he be the one staying on enjoying a (good) few drinks?
As for the poster being controlling - what world do you all live in? Someone has to make the decision to leave and get the kids settled - why shouldnt it be her?
No YADNBU and I'd be letting him know about it in the morning when hopefully he's hungover.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 06/07/2014 06:56

First thing in the morning, when baby is up for the day, wake him up and have a lie in. Hangover or not. Make sure he knows not to sleep with her on the sofa, and then leave him to it. Even if you don't sleep. Get some rest.

Then later on, sit down and explain to him that all you dream about is a night of unbroken sleep. He dangled that promise in front of you, made you feel happy and relieved, and then didn't deliver. And that hurts.

So from now on, every weekend he can do one night. Even if you wake up do not get out of bed. You'll get back to sleep sooner if you stay down. You will each get one lie in too. If he disturbs your lie in, he forfeits his.

Next weekend he will do both nights. Get him prepared, state your expectations, and tell him again how upset you are.

It's not forever, but you need to rely on each other right now.

I had a similar thing with dh around the same time. He offered then didn't do it. I remember that feeling of hope and then despair.

He's been amazing since that night. He hadn't realised just how exhausted I was, and that he could help. He thought I was happier being on top of it all, and felt unsure about what he could do.

Good luck!

unrealhousewife · 06/07/2014 07:01

Great idea fuckyou, sounds like sleep training you husband. There's a book and possibly a TV show in there somewhere.

unrealhousewife · 06/07/2014 07:07

I would add to Fuckyou's excellent plan to keep the bedroom door closed, and put a lock on it if needs be.

deakymom · 06/07/2014 07:14

he really shouldnt promise you sleep then get pissed how is that supposed to help? is he really going to be able to look after the baby when he is insensible?

Tiredemma · 06/07/2014 07:33

Is he any use elsewhere in the house?

DP is utter crap in the night with DD (in fact with all kids he was shit). He sleeps in ear plugs and knows that I have crap sleep- however he readily admits how shit he is and has tried to help at night but is just fucking beyond useless ( I end up having to take over).

He gets away with not being strangled to death in his sleep by being of use elsewhere - for example, other than looking after DD I do very little now around the house- he cleans, he cooks, he does the washing, the garden etc so although he is shit with DD, I cannot fault his efforts elsewhere to give me a break.

Does your DH help out in other ways?