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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law is a controlling bully

58 replies

lauren6283 · 05/07/2014 22:36

I've never got along with my mother in law. She has done some pretty controlling and nasty things that have really upset me. Now my son is here (8 months old) she is obsessed with him and won't leave him alone for a second. It drives me insane because she still treats me and my hubby like crap. It's like she has a right to my son. Anyway, she wants to take him out tomorrow morning which I reluctantly agreed to, but then realised my cousin (my sons godmother) had arranged to come round. When I mentioned this she got very shirty and said "well she won't be coming at that time" and basically didn't give a damn because as far as she was concerned I had already agreed to let her take him out.

I feel like she and her husband bully us into doing what they want. They turn up a our house unannounced every week and if I don't answer the door they wait outside until I do. (Sometimes over 30 mins). I am really worried about letting my son go with them tomorrow. I just don't trust them one bit and to be honest I'm very reluctant to let anyone look after him but me and my husband because I feel such a strong bond with him.

I'm just so upset about this. Am I being unreasonable? They are also expecting to have him when I got back to work (9 hour shifts) and I just don't think they are capable of putting his needs before their own.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 05/07/2014 22:37

If you don't trust them do not let your child go with them and sort out different childcare arrangements!!

NatashaRomanov · 05/07/2014 22:40

Just don't let them take him tomorrow.
Apologise, but you made plans with your friend first, so that takes priority. Maybe answer the door, with security chain in place, and baby in another room :)
Just say No.

And just stop answering the door to them in the week. If they treat you that badly, stop seeing them.
What does your husband think?

magimedi · 05/07/2014 22:40

If you don't want your son to go out with them then don't do it.

You are his mother, you have the ultimate say.

Stop allowing yourself to be bullied by her & stand up for you & your DS.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you really need to stop this now.

NatashaRomanov · 05/07/2014 22:41

And do NOT use them for child care when you return to work. It'll just end in tears.

Original poster
lauren6283 · 05/07/2014 22:45

Thanks for the responses. I'm just so scared of the fall out. I need to put my son first. My husband is very much like me, he is too afraid to disagree.

OP posts:
usualsuspectt · 05/07/2014 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IamSlave · 05/07/2014 22:47

I really feel for you and I know too well what its like when up against such strong and yet unreasonable people....

I must advise you the only way to handle her is to start saying no,

I strongly advise you to be out of the house tomorrow and leave a note on the door to say you are out.

I say this because the best thing to do would be face to face:" NO you are not taking him, plans have changed no," but I feel you wouldn't be able to do this...so start small and just avoid at the moment...

Buts its a step. Avoid.

You are upset now....trust me, many of us have gone down this route of being bullied and sailed close to divorce because the situation has become so intolerable.

Ask yourself and your DH, do we want to be our own people, leading our own lives or do we want to be bullied, cowed guilt tripped for ever more until we go mad or spilt up.

Tomorow is a new day, tomorow you start to take back your lives and start to let her know whose boss..

Go out.

NatashaRomanov · 05/07/2014 22:48

Find your inner Momma-Bear.
If MIL bullies her own son, she'll possibly bully her grandson too.
Do NOT let them take him out tomorrow. You're the mum, you're in charge.
Good luck!

Happydaysatlastforthebody · 05/07/2014 22:49

Don't understand your post op.

You are the parents so just be the parents.

My inlaws were bloody fantastic and miss them every day since they died but my kids stayed with us.

If you are planning to use your inlaws for cheap child care and bitch about them them then don't.

If you arnt planning to use them for childcare then why are you posting?

IamSlave · 05/07/2014 22:50

Thanks for the responses. I'm just so scared of the fall out

Darling, who isn't, If you weren't scared, scared you wouldn't be in this position, whats the worse that can happen....

so many of us on these boards have suffered the same...you will never ever change her al you can do is manage her and make sure she doesnt impact on your life...

stop being afraid... yes they will be upset ot start with of course they will, they are being challenged..but its the only way, the other way lies years of misery,...to stand up for yourselfs is usually a short period of intense upset - levelling out to usually some sort of compromise.

AlfAlf · 05/07/2014 22:50

to be honest I'm very reluctant to let anyone look after him but me and my husband because I feel such a strong bond with him
Sorry but I think this ^ is quite extreme. My bond with my dc is as strong as it gets, but I would never have felt threatened by other family members spending time with them when they were 8 months old.
I also don't think once a week is excessive for them to visit, and don't understand why you wouldn't answer the door for 30 minutes?

Original poster
lauren6283 · 05/07/2014 22:51

My pion is that I don't feel like I have any say in whether they take him out or whether I use them for child care because what I want does not matter to them.

OP posts:
AlfAlf · 05/07/2014 22:52

Sorry, I meant to add is there a back story here, something I'm not getting?

LynetteScavo · 05/07/2014 22:52

What NatashaRomanov said.

If you let your MIL take your DS out, the stress will make you ill.

It took a couple years for me to get through to my FIL, re my DS, but now he wouldn't mess with me.

Good luck!

IamSlave · 05/07/2014 22:53

alf did you read part about past controlling stuff, treating her and her husband like crap...bullying and so on.

FunkyBoldRibena · 05/07/2014 22:53

Just say no then, you are the mother.

IamSlave · 05/07/2014 22:54

My pion is that I don't feel like I have any say in whether they take him out or whether I use them for child care because what I want does not matter to them

I agree with you Lauren and no, your opinion wont matter to them.

But whose fault is this...have you ever stood up to them, has your DH?

Are you going to start? Or are you going to let them walk all over you.

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/07/2014 22:56

The worst thing that can happen is that they cut you off and you don't see them again.

Which isn't that bad tbh.

AgentZigzag · 05/07/2014 22:56

You have to put your foot down, she's not one of your DSs parents so she doesn't get to decide what he does.

Just let her outrage over you daring to disobey wash over you, they both treat you and your DH like shit and there's no reason for your DS to have to experience it too. (you could use imagining how you'd feel at them treating your DS like shit as something to draw on if you feel you're caving in)

Let them wait outside, even if you've got to go out while they're doing it, just step over them with a cheery hello and be on your way. It's totally fine for you to choose to not see them, the alternative is that you don't have a choice, and that wouldn't be right at all.

Agree with the other posters that she shouldn't be looking after your DS when you go back to work, if you think they're bad now it would be ten times worse if your job depended on them and they have something to hold over you.

How does your DH deal with them? It's understandable if he's been brainwashed into doing as he's told, but you don't have to go along with it.

LynetteScavo · 05/07/2014 22:57

to be honest I'm very reluctant to let anyone look after him but me and my husband because I feel such a strong bond with him

I get it. I struggled to let my DM look after DS1 at this age. She is the most amazing, granny ever, but but it was hard at first to leave DS1 with her.

User100 · 05/07/2014 22:58

In your original post why did she think you'd agreed to let her take him out? Did you do anything to imply you had agreed or this just her being presumptive?

RoseHoney · 05/07/2014 22:59

Say no!
You've made plans so they will have to just suck it up. Don't let them bully you.

LynetteScavo · 05/07/2014 23:00

And I sometimes have to stand up to my DM, even though she's a fabulous granny....at the end of the day I am the parent...I decide when and where they have their haircut, where they go to school, which musical instruments they learn and what their bed time is.

Happydaysatlastforthebody · 05/07/2014 23:02

Don't understand your post op.

You are the parents so just be the parents.

My inlaws were bloody fantastic and miss them every day since they died but my kids stayed with us.

If you are planning to use your inlaws for cheap child care and bitch about them them then don't.

If you arnt planning to use them for childcare then why are you posting?

User100 · 05/07/2014 23:02

Sorry, just reread op, ignore my question.

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