Mother in law is a controlling bully

[lauren6283]

I've never got along with my mother in law. She has done some pretty controlling and nasty things that have really upset me. Now my son is here (8 months old) she is obsessed with him and won't leave him alone for a second. It drives me insane because she still treats me and my hubby like crap. It's like she has a right to my son. Anyway, she wants to take him out tomorrow morning which I reluctantly agreed to, but then realised my cousin (my sons godmother) had arranged to come round. When I mentioned this she got very shirty and said "well she won't be coming at that time" and basically didn't give a damn because as far as she was concerned I had already agreed to let her take him out.

I feel like she and her husband bully us into doing what they want. They turn up a our house unannounced every week and if I don't answer the door they wait outside until I do. (Sometimes over 30 mins). I am really worried about letting my son go with them tomorrow. I just don't trust them one bit and to be honest I'm very reluctant to let anyone look after him but me and my husband because I feel such a strong bond with him.

I'm just so upset about this. Am I being unreasonable? They are also expecting to have him when I got back to work (9 hour shifts) and I just don't think they are capable of putting his needs before their own.

'He may have been bullied by his mum or both parents but he (and you) need to grow back bones and lay down how things are going to be regarding contact with you in the future.'

You're saying that the DH has probably been bullied and the solution is for him to 'grow back bones'??

Is that your blanket advice for victims of bullying? To get a grip?

For a child, being bullied by a parent can be much worse than bullying at school because they're in the environment all the time and from the outside it can look like legit discipline.

The effects can be long term and could make it difficult for the DH to confront his mum. That doesn't mean he doesn't love the OP or that he's choosing his mum over her, he could just be using techniques he developed as a child to deal with having to live in such an environment.

I honestly can't decide if YABU or not without more detail as to how awful they are or is it just that you are perhaps quieter and less assertive and confident and they are different . Wanting to take him out for a walk and turning up to see him once a week doesn't seem that shocking.

"to be honest I'm very reluctant to let anyone look after him but me and my husband because I feel such a strong bond with him"

Are you like this with everyone, it seems a little claustrophobic. But, you are the parent and if your husband feels the same then you can take control and not be feel forced to do things you don't want to.

No one is saying it will be easy and not in the least traumatic to stand up to the pils but what is the alternative? Allow these people to continue to bully, control and manipulate to please themselves? What damage could the ILs then do to the child?

Sometimes you do have to say enough is enough and take a stand.

If that sounds harsh, lacking understanding or dismissive that's not the intention but, speaking as someone who had therapy to deal with their own issues caused by parental bullying, I can simply reiterate taking a stand, no matter how tough, is the only way the OP and her DH will deal with the ILs.

I agree with you xenadog my husband has been manipulated and emotionally blackmailed by his mother his whole life.

It's never easy to 'grow a backbone' and there's never a good time but there is a point where you absolutely need to put a stop to being treated like a doormat. For your own good.

How did you get on OP?

Hope today went well OP.

Am I missing something here? You arranged for your MIL to take DS out, but then you got a better offer and wanted your MIL to not have him after all? That seems a bit unfair to be honest.

I think from the post it seems as though the arrangement with the Godmother was actually made first, but the Op had forgotten about it, so she did not get a better offer, it was already arranged. It sounds like the MIL is so terrifying that everything just went out of her head when asked if it was Ok. Surely this is something that happens a lot, I know I sometimes forget things and double book, the correct response from the MIL on being told would be to say no problem , we can rearrange. Not through a tizzy and demand to see the DS anyway. YANBU OP.