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Original poster

Mother in law is a controlling bully

58 replies

lauren6283 · 05/07/2014 22:36

I've never got along with my mother in law. She has done some pretty controlling and nasty things that have really upset me. Now my son is here (8 months old) she is obsessed with him and won't leave him alone for a second. It drives me insane because she still treats me and my hubby like crap. It's like she has a right to my son. Anyway, she wants to take him out tomorrow morning which I reluctantly agreed to, but then realised my cousin (my sons godmother) had arranged to come round. When I mentioned this she got very shirty and said "well she won't be coming at that time" and basically didn't give a damn because as far as she was concerned I had already agreed to let her take him out.

I feel like she and her husband bully us into doing what they want. They turn up a our house unannounced every week and if I don't answer the door they wait outside until I do. (Sometimes over 30 mins). I am really worried about letting my son go with them tomorrow. I just don't trust them one bit and to be honest I'm very reluctant to let anyone look after him but me and my husband because I feel such a strong bond with him.

I'm just so upset about this. Am I being unreasonable? They are also expecting to have him when I got back to work (9 hour shifts) and I just don't think they are capable of putting his needs before their own.

OP posts:
IamSlave · 05/07/2014 23:03

BTW op in the early days I allowed myself to be bullied handed over my precious baby when I didnt want too, did it make mil like me, was she nice to me?

no, she would wake the baby up, change her out of my outfits, treated her like a doll and she still doesnt like me, the situation is better now as we did learn to put our foot down, she was a tough bitch but we did it, yes years of issues whole family hating us....but at least we are not bullied anymore! its a weight off.

OnlyTheWelshCanCwtch · 05/07/2014 23:06

My inlaws have never looked after my kids.
In fact they have no interest in them whatsoever

Goldmandra · 05/07/2014 23:10

Whether your wishes matter to them or not is irrelevant. They don't get to make the decisions about someone else's child.

The longer you let this continue, the harder it will be to stop it.

Put your foot down firmly tomorrow. Practise saying "I'm sorry, DS's godmother is visiting today so he is staying with me." Don't say "I would like him to stay with me" because that leaves room for them to disregard your wishes. Just say "He is staying with me."

You are going to have to deal with the fallout at some point and it's much better to do it before your DS is old enough to be aware of it.

You need to remind yourself that you are his parents and you make the decisions. His grandparents need to ask your permission, not tell you what they are doing with him. You can change your mind at any time and they have to suck it up.

When they turn up unannounced, offer them an alternative time and turn them away. They will soon start making arrangements.

He is old enough now to be taken out by others but he is also reaching the age where he will start to find being separated from you upsetting so you may find it's not worth it. Unless you really feel that he is at risk, you do need to let him spend time with them for his sake but you can cut that time down if you feel that they aren't respecting your role as his parents. It sounds harsh but, if they want to spend time with him, it needs to be in the context of healthy family relationships. If that can't happen, your DS is better off not seeing them.

You have every right to decide whether they can take him out tomorrow. If they take him without your consent phone the police.

AgentZigzag · 05/07/2014 23:16

I don't want this to come across as nit picking, but I wouldn't apologise or say 'I'm sorry' before telling them to fuck right off it's not convenient, it could give them the idea that they have a legitimate beef.

You don't owe them an explanation or have to justify yourself to them, you don't even have to give them a reason why this/that isn't happening.

Whether they have a relationship with your DS is up to you and his dad, and if you say that they can have one, then you get to call the shots on what shape that relationship takes, ie one without any abusive bullying in it.

Goldmandra · 05/07/2014 23:19

I don't want this to come across as nit picking, but I wouldn't apologise or say 'I'm sorry' before telling them

Good point.

Maybe "No. As I explained yesterday, DS's Godmother is visiting us today so he will be staying with me."

LondonRocks · 05/07/2014 23:19

Now is the time to get those boundaries in place. You're a grown woman, a mum.

Just be calm and firm. Keep repeating yourself if she doesn't get it!

AgentZigzag · 05/07/2014 23:25

I wouldn't even be talking to them Gold Grin although that might be a step too far for the OP.

'Just be calm and firm. Keep repeating yourself if she doesn't get it!'

Definitely agree with that, just take all of the emotion out of it and feel confident that you're in the right.

Original poster
lauren6283 · 05/07/2014 23:43

I really appreciate all the replies. Thankyou everyone. I'm going to sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning.

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 05/07/2014 23:44

Can you contact your friend (who is your DS God Mother) and arrange a different meeting place - somewhere outside your home that you can get to/from easily with your DS?

Then I'd do what ImASlave suggests and leave a note on the door. Or don't. Just don't be contactable. Tell your DH that you're going out and you're taking your DS with you and that you're going to meet X. Don't tell him where though as you may have your MIL arriving and making a scene.

If she kicks off, tell her calmly "I told you yesterday that X was meeting us, don't you remember?"
Make yourselves less available to your MIL.
Stand up for yourself (and your DS) by saying no to this woman. Start with small things that you say no to and work up to the bigger things.

I'd consider sorting different childcare so that you can present it as a done deal when she asks about it. Don't give her a say just say (together if needs be) that this is how it will be and that's the end of it.

Best of luck to you!

movingtoourwillow · 06/07/2014 02:57

Sorry if this sounds harsh OP but you need to find your inner mama bear and put your foot down - you owe it to your son.

imip · 06/07/2014 06:23

Oh gosh op, seriously do not u her for child care when you go back to work.

Happily, I live on the other side of the world from my mil, but even now I hear the comments she makes and it grates.

You and dh need to establish some rules/boundries and be firm, otherwise she will continue to be overbearing. Good luck....

Delphiniumsblue · 06/07/2014 07:47

Normally I stick up fir MIL but this one has never let go.
Just tell her that you have changed your mind. After that don't get drawn into arguments - just stick to the one statement 'you have changed your mind'- said calmly and politely.

Delphiniumsblue · 06/07/2014 07:48

Find alternate child care when you go back to work.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 06/07/2014 07:57

Good luck for today

ithoughtofitfirst · 06/07/2014 08:05

I had something like this recently. It got tothe point where my MIL clearly couldn't behave herself around me and just quite openly spoke to me and treated me like shit in front of my son and husband.

I just don't see her anymore. I thought that since she thinks so little of me then she won't miss me.

Your DH should be dealing with this shit, not you.

tripecity · 06/07/2014 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppyAmex · 06/07/2014 08:19

I'm not particularly scared of confrontation but I understand it van be difficult.

You talk about the strong bond you have with your baby, OP - use that to gain some assertiveness. There's nothing we won't do for our children do use that love to stand up for him and for yourself.
Remember you're going have to be his biggest advocate in life so start now Smile

pumpkinsweetie · 06/07/2014 08:21

Need more info to go on, but if she is a toxic narcissistic type of gp just don't engage with her anymore. Choices have to be made, when a gp quite simply, isn't a person we would allow our child to see if they were unrelated!

ConstantineTheGreat · 06/07/2014 08:22

I found that it calmed down for me over the years, I was a useless mum, couldn't look after her son or baby grandson properly, then I had twins and did it all while her darling son worked 60 hours a week, Boom....

All of a sudden I got comments like I don't know how you do it, you have done a great job etc, etc, Yawn. I found when it was really bad that minimizing contact and not trying to please goes a long way.

If you are not scared you take away her sting, I would let her take him out tomorrow as agreed, but that is only because it was already agreed, that would be her only and last time. You need to tell her to ring first, it is basic bloody manners and if your husband won't stand up to her then you will have to do it... they get less scary as they get older believe me, if mine tried some of the crap I took at 19 now I would laugh in her face.
It made me nice to my son's girlfriend.

HTH :)

Imbroglio · 06/07/2014 09:26

I agree that this is something you need to work out with your husband.

He needs to deal with them, but you could have some ideas ready, eg could he take your son over to theirs once a week?

At the very least he needs to tell them not to come round unannounced. And he needs to back you up unequivocally (no making out that he is humouring you).

Itsfab · 06/07/2014 09:40

She is a bully but you don't have to allow her in your house or anywhere near your baby. Go out with your friend. Don't leave a note on the door as it advertises you are out. Send her a text reminding her you already have plans or wait until she contacts you. Your husband needs to man up. He is allowing himself, his wife and his baby to be bullied.

hamptoncourt · 06/07/2014 09:47

Lauren I don't want to sound harsh but you are a mother now. This means you have to put your Big Girl Panties on and stand up to bullies like MIL in order to protect your son.

MIL does not have the right to take DS if you don't want her to. You must say "No, that doesn't work for me." and just ignore what comes next. If she falls out with you permanently over it then that is going to be a major positive result from where I am standing.

Why do you let MIL in when she turns up unnannounced? I just don't get it?

I apologise if I offend you, but was your own childhood less than rosy OP? Have you learnt that your needs are unimportant?

Time to roll your sleeves up and let your inner matriarch out.

Good luck.

angelohsodelight · 06/07/2014 10:59

I think Hampton court summed it up well. Protect your son.

Xenadog · 06/07/2014 11:05

OP your husband should be the one dealing with his parents and not you. That said, anything he says to them should come from both of you. He may have been bullied by his mum or both parents but he (and you) need to grow back bones and lay down how things are going to be regarding contact with you in the future.

Things such as the mil standing on the doorstep for 30 minutes are, quite frankly, bizarre and I have no idea why you didn't just open the window and say, "Sorry, we aren't having visitors, you need to ring and check it's ok to call in future. Now go away." This sounds ridiculous and harsh but actually with such thick skinned ILs what else would work?

As for childcare in the he future. Can you really see this not ending in tears? I suggest you get looking for alternative care ASAP.

ithoughtofitfirst · 06/07/2014 11:09

OP I have enjoyed nothing more in my adult life (apart from having my son obv) than growing a backbone overnight. I am finally free from a life lived as a doormat. I am enjoying motherhood so much more since.

Put your foot down. This Is YOUR family. Don't put up with any shit off anyone. Your needs and opinions are the most important thing.