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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have finally put my mother in her place

67 replies

wheresthelight · 05/07/2014 21:49

Apologies this will be long.

Ever since I told my parents I was pregnant my mum has tried to take over everything and then got pissy and martyr like when I ask her to back off. Have posted before about her snatching dd off me at less than a day old amd having a meltdown when I refused to let her give dd her first bath (dd is pfb and total miracle as was told I was infertile many years ago)

Mum has got no better in 10.5 months in fact she is worse. She got back from holiday last night so hasn't seen dd for nearly 3 weeks so as I was in the area she lives I popped in to say hi. As I got dd out the car mum tried yo take her out my arms and got very huffy when dd clung to me and turned away from her. She has been going through a very clingy stage for about 8 weeks and mum is fully aware but this triggered a whole meltdown from my mum and a tirade that I shouldn't let dd cling to me and should force her to go to other people.

Anyway dd has 4 teeth dropping in her top gum that we only noticed earlier this week. She has zero symptoms and has been her normal happy adventurous self. Mum jumps straight in with all the negatives about sleepless nights, ear infections, etc etc and then followed this up with messages on facebook.

After nearly a year of unsolicited advice and absurd demands over how I should be doing things and telling me everything u do is wrong because it's not how she did it I have snapped and replied to her messages saying not everything was a negative to which she replied saying no but I would understand when things get bad because they will. I was really upset and angry. I suffer anxiety and depression and have done really really well at coping and managing without my depression coming back. But her constant insistence that it's the calm before the storm is wearing me down and making me question myself.

I asked her to stop asking me feel like it was just the calm before the storm, that dd is fine and I am coping. Have just had a message back basically saying I have really upset her as it was "just a joke"

Have I been oversensitive or is she just playing the emotional blackmail card because I have finally stood up to her bs?

And yes I know iwbu to do it via pm on facebook but o can't bring myself to say it to her face because I need to be able to think it thru amd ohrase it right or I will tell her to fuck the fuck off!

OP posts:
GetYourFingersOutOfThere · 05/07/2014 21:52

Ya nub sounds like she can't handle you being a mother.

It also sounds like you are doing a fantastic job. I don't tolerate people that make my life harder so I'm probably not the best first reply Grin

GetYourFingersOutOfThere · 05/07/2014 21:53

Yanbu Blush

Original poster
wheresthelight · 05/07/2014 21:57

Thank you Fingers!

She drives me insane with it, she is relentless to the point even her own sister has told her off and my uncle (her big) has said she is out of order amd he never says anything negative about anyone!!

It's not helped by my younger sister being pregnant and pandering to everything mum says so I am clearly being a bitch. dsis is due the week of my dd's birthday and despite mum saying she will be at dd's party I know if dsis's baby comes she will miss it. Have told mum's sister (am very close to her and her husband) that if mum misses it then that is it I will never forgive her. Dsis has told mum that my dd must take priority which is lovely of her but I know mum will forget dd exists once the new baby is born

Am almost hoping she does so I cam wash my hands of her

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresthelight · 05/07/2014 21:58

Her bil not big lol

OP posts:
diddl · 05/07/2014 22:06

Oh she sounds draining!

ideas about how to bring up kids change & what suits one child/parent doesn't suit another anyway.

I wouldn't be too bothered about her not coming to first(?) bday party tbh.

Does your sister really agree or just appear to for an easy life?

She might change her tune when her baby arrives!

Maybe just distance yourself for a while.

no big drama or cutting contact iyswim.

Mrsgrumble · 05/07/2014 22:11

Ughh

I have a difficult mother who looks at the negative side of everything. My house was spotless when she visited and she critised me for being too clean then tutted at limescale on the kettle. You can't win with them. I have long forgotten what it is like to enjoy her company.

Well done for sticking up for yourself. I have a similar aged baby, enjoy!

Original poster
wheresthelight · 05/07/2014 22:12

Diddl she is draining and I am upset about dd's birthday. Mum ruined her first Christmas as my dsis decoded to announce days before Christmas that she was pregnant so all mum could say was "Ohhh next year I will have two" and totally ignored dd which pissed me off as she had made such a huge deal about it being dd's first Christmas up to the point dsis announced hers.

I suspect dsis is going great for the easy life but she lives a lot further away so it's easier for her to ignore it all.

OP posts:
LongTailedTit · 05/07/2014 22:16

YANBU at all - I can't stand the naysayers who constantly try to bring you down, it's like they have to make you feel bad to feel superior.

One perfectly nice mum friend kept insisting my DS would be awful after his jabs - nope, fine actually. In fact, whenever I say anything is going ok someone seems to leap in to tell me it won't last and "just you wait til xxxxxxx" etc. Hmm

The fact that it's your own mum is a huge shame. I'd say you're right to stop indulging her nonsense. Try to resist her landslide of negativity, she is being precisely 0% help with that crap.

KnackeredMuchly · 05/07/2014 22:17

She sounds horribly hard work but I don't understand why you would be so upset if she missed the party? I think some counselling would be good for you to see the relationship from a different perspective.

Original poster
wheresthelight · 05/07/2014 22:19

Mrsgrumble thanks! I feel bad that she seems upset but to be honest I know her too well and she will guilt trip me for ages over this and I am so completely over her drama. She bitches about her own mum being like it but totally fails to see she is exactly the same.

My Aunt (her sister) and I are incredibly close and she is like a best mate rather than an aunt and mum is very jealous. I went to stay with her and her husband in march and mum thru a fit because she wouldn't see dd for a few days. anyone would think she never sees dd. I take her over twice a week normally but there are weeks when I don't have time or am just too plain knackered so she whinges that she misses dd but yet refuses to drive the 6 miles to my house.

She works 4.5-5 hours a day on the fag counter in a supermarket so it's not a particularly hard or stressful job but to hear her complain about being tired and stressed from work so she cannot possibly drive over really pisses me off!

Everything is about her, it's all done to make her look like the doting Granny when actually she doesn't give a toss

OP posts:
GetYourFingersOutOfThere · 05/07/2014 22:21

I've cut them all out now. My youngest of 3 is 6 and I don't bother with any of them, who need sniping and negativity at every point.

Original poster
wheresthelight · 05/07/2014 22:22

knackered because I am. You don't have to agree with it but it's how I feel and I do not need counselling to see it from a different perspective

OP posts:
cjelh · 05/07/2014 22:22

I just want to say that just because you have had difficulties in the past doesn't mean you are going to go down again!! DD does NOT have to get harder, you aren't your dm and whatever her experiences they don't have to be yours. Have confidence in yourselfFlowers

Original poster
wheresthelight · 05/07/2014 22:27

longhaired I totally expected it from friends to be honest but not my mum. But friends have been brill and the couple I have have been really supportive but then neither of them have kids so I guess they just see dd as normal

OP posts:
RedSoloCup · 05/07/2014 22:27

She sounds like the only negative thing in your life, waiting for it all too crumble around you which it never will btw :)

Original poster
wheresthelight · 05/07/2014 22:29

Thank you cjelh!!!! I am determined not to be ill again! Depression is awful and totally misunderstood but it's my anxiety that kills me and mum plays on it

OP posts:
AlbertHerbertHawkins · 05/07/2014 22:38

I agree with knackered. Your relationship

AlbertHerbertHawkins · 05/07/2014 22:40

With your mother sounds like it has loads of similarities with mine with my mother. Counselling really helped.

Molio · 05/07/2014 22:49

Quite shocked by your competitiveness with your sister. You can't yet know the circumstances of her child's birth, and why even if things are ok should your child have priority? Sometimes mums need to juggle. I think your mum sounds ok, but you sound a bit self absorbed. I do also completely understand clinical depression but don't believe it justifies prioritizing self above all others.

Molio · 05/07/2014 22:56

Saying your mum works 'on the fag counter' is also intentionally demeaning. Really quite vile. She may well get tired standing up for 5 hours a day - who are you to say she doesn't get tired because it's 'only' a 'fag counter' and not stressful. Stress certainly doesn't only come with high pay. The one thing I would expect of those suffering with depression is understanding of others and I have to say empathy seems to be lacking horribly here OP.

youmakemydreams · 05/07/2014 22:58

I do think your mother sounds a tad over bearing and a lot of hard work. My mum can be the same but I also understand that she is not trying to be negative she is trying in a back handed way to be supportive.
But sorry yabtu about the party/dsis baby. Why on earth should your mum not go and see he? I also don't get why it spoilt Christmas when she was saying this time next year I'll have two Confused surely that just means she was excited at the prospect of another baby in the family? It is not a competition. On one hand you are complaining that she is too involved yet you are also complaining she will be less involved when your sis baby comes. You sound equally unreasonable. Love it not a limited commodity. Your mother will have plenty love to go around, you said your sister lives further away and of course your mum should go to her if her baby is born and it coincides with your dd's party.

User100 · 05/07/2014 23:49

I agree with dreams, your DM seems overbearing but the 1st birthday thing is really difficult for your DM. Obviously there are details I don't know (how far dsis lives from you and DM, whether dsis wants DM there for birth etc) but there are at least concievable circumstances in which, whilst obviously you wouldn't want her to, it would at least be reasonable to miss the 1st birthday to help with dsis and newborn.

rollonthesummer · 05/07/2014 23:57

She sounds a pain in the arse, back off a bit.

Have told mum's sister (am very close to her and her husband) that if mum misses it then that is it I will never forgive her.

This is very childish of you, though.

drudgetrudy · 06/07/2014 00:17

Some of your Mum's behaviour eg the negativity and interference sounds difficult. Have you tried explaining to her how this affects you without getting angry.
Some of your language eg "put her in her place" "never forgive her" sounds a bit immature.
To be honest it is unclear what you want, you say you want more space but also want her to take more interest.
YABU about birthday I'm sure she'd want to be there if at all possible but sister's baby is equally important.
Sounds like gently distancing yourself for a while would give you the chance think things over and consider where you want your boundaries to be.

badtime · 06/07/2014 00:19

You don't have to agree with it but it's how I feel and I do not need counselling to see it from a different perspective

But could your mother not say the same?

TBH, I think your mother sounds like an emotionally blackmailing nightmare, and you sound like a chip off the old block. If your mum misses your daughter's party you will never forgive her? Hmm

As I say, your mother does sound very difficult, and IMO there is a special circle in hell reserved for people who, when they offend someone, instead of apologising say they were joking; however, I agree with previous posters that you may benefit from counselling, to find healthier ways to relate to your family members.