to have finally put my mother in her place

[wheresthelight]

Apologies this will be long.

Ever since I told my parents I was pregnant my mum has tried to take over everything and then got pissy and martyr like when I ask her to back off. Have posted before about her snatching dd off me at less than a day old amd having a meltdown when I refused to let her give dd her first bath (dd is pfb and total miracle as was told I was infertile many years ago)

Mum has got no better in 10.5 months in fact she is worse. She got back from holiday last night so hasn't seen dd for nearly 3 weeks so as I was in the area she lives I popped in to say hi. As I got dd out the car mum tried yo take her out my arms and got very huffy when dd clung to me and turned away from her. She has been going through a very clingy stage for about 8 weeks and mum is fully aware but this triggered a whole meltdown from my mum and a tirade that I shouldn't let dd cling to me and should force her to go to other people.

Anyway dd has 4 teeth dropping in her top gum that we only noticed earlier this week. She has zero symptoms and has been her normal happy adventurous self. Mum jumps straight in with all the negatives about sleepless nights, ear infections, etc etc and then followed this up with messages on facebook.

After nearly a year of unsolicited advice and absurd demands over how I should be doing things and telling me everything u do is wrong because it's not how she did it I have snapped and replied to her messages saying not everything was a negative to which she replied saying no but I would understand when things get bad because they will. I was really upset and angry. I suffer anxiety and depression and have done really really well at coping and managing without my depression coming back. But her constant insistence that it's the calm before the storm is wearing me down and making me question myself.

I asked her to stop asking me feel like it was just the calm before the storm, that dd is fine and I am coping. Have just had a message back basically saying I have really upset her as it was "just a joke"

Have I been oversensitive or is she just playing the emotional blackmail card because I have finally stood up to her bs?

And yes I know iwbu to do it via pm on facebook but o can't bring myself to say it to her face because I need to be able to think it thru amd ohrase it right or I will tell her to fuck the fuck off!

he doesn't know what has got into her lately

It's entirely likely that your might might be having a nasty dose of the menopause. I think you're lucky she cares enough to want to be with you both and be involved your DC. I think you seem incapable of trying to understand how your mum feels. I still think your looking down on her for working at a 'fag counter' is a very bad reflection on you, but not in the least on her. What is it that you do for a living which makes you so lofty OP?

......your mum might be...

Domo rtft it is my mother I am talking about not mil

Molio I don't look down on her she works on the fag counter it is a fact amd nothing more. As for how she feels, when she is interfering with mine amd dp's decisions about our dd I really don't care how she feels. She has had her kids so she has no right to criticise or bully me just because she is my mum

Hmm I also think this doesn't add up. You don't like your mum trying to take dd from your arms and being overbearing with her, but you also didn't like her not giving you and dd enough attention at Christmas. You are afraid her attention will now shift to your sister and her new baby rather than you. It is hard to tell whether you actually want her attention or not? I really think it is time to see your family as separate from hers, you no longer need her validation. If she misses dd's party then so be it, it sounds like it will be better without her there? That is your sister's problem, not yours - if your concern is indeed for your sis and not yourself...

How does she interfere?

Does she just express an opinion?

Does she live nearby, come round a lot & tell you what to do, take your daughter off you & do stuff her way?

why does she know so much about your lives?

• AIBU?

• YAB a bit U

• IANBU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Textbook.

Yes, I sympathise to a degree if your Mum is undermining you but you are showing an inability to put yourself in anyone else's shoes and your tone when anyone suggests a different perspective is very snappy.
If you wish to improve your relationship with your Mum it would help to step back and learn to take less notice of what she says.

Your very defensive and angry tone suggests that you may be BU

Diddl - she insists that everything I do is wrong and that by not cowtowing to her demands on how to do things I am calling her a crap parent. For instance she insists on lathering dd's bottom in vaseline, it's something I don't like and have asked her numerous times not to do and try to do all changes myself when I visit but she will snatch dd out of my arms and storm upstairs. The vaseline clogs the nappies and they end up leaking never mind the fact that dd is sensitive to ot and it makes her eczema worse but mum repeatedly ignores ot amd calls me all sorts for dating to disagree.

She won't visit here but if I refuse to take dd over I get all sorts of nasty comments and arguments from her that I am denying her contact with dd. She repeatedly refers to herself as mummy to dd which at first I brushed off as just a slip of the tongue but now it is really beginning to piss me off

Its never just an opinion with mum. If i say thanks but actually I am happy with how I am doing it I get sarcastic remarks along the lines of "well of course you would k ow better, it's not like I have never done this and don't know what I talking about"

My mil was dying when dd was born so it was important to both dp and I that dd spent as much time as possible with hos mum as we knew it was a matter of days/weeks til she wouldn't be with us anymore. Mum begrudged every visit demanding that I pet dd with her and went alone to the hospital. I stood my ground and she basically told me I was a crap mum for putting dd at risk

She got told flatly that if I didn't take dd to see her other grandma then I could hardly allow her to see dd either as it wouldn't be fair to have one rule for my family and another for dp's and she threw an almighty temper tantrum.

Dd's birthday is one of a long line of things that mum has made a huge fuss about and then decided weren't important enough. And yes I am annoyed probably unreasonably so but after everything she does and says I have every right to be

And for those picking the birthday out and telling me iabu that was never the poi t of the thread my question was whether I was unreasonable to tell mum to stop making me feel bad about everything

In that respect YANBU

The reason posters think you are being a it unreasonable is because you expect your mother to change her behaviour.

It is you who needs to change your behaviour as she is very unlikely to.

If you see her less often and tell her less about what is going on your life then she won't be able to interfere will she?

For example, your DM putting vaseline on DD against your wishes....she isn't going to stop doing this is she unless there are consequences? So unless you say if you do that one more time I won't visit again, and mean it, you will keep getting the same result.

I don't think you are unreasonable for being annoyed but you seem hellbent on keeping going back for more.

OK, so you stop going there as she does stuff that is bad for your daughter.

You are not denying contact if she may & can get to you.

If you are able to tell her that you are happy with the way you do things, that's something.

If she takes it as a criticism of what she did, then that's her problem & the following nastiness needs ignoring.

Why do you see her?

and if she persists with the "mummy" thing I would really pull back on the level of contact.
My mother was a bit like that and I now massively regret allowing it. It badly affected our family relationships.

Why do I keep going back? Because she is my mum and I desperately want her and dd to have a good relationship like I did with her parents (unfortunately dad's parents were evil to me but that is a whole other thread). Dp's dad is in his 80's (menopause baby) so realistically probably won't see dd grow up so I want her to have gps but not at the expense of my well being.

My sister has just called as she was in kiddicare and I had asked her to pick me something up as ours was out of stock so have mentioned mum's latest martyr act and dsis agrees mum is a nightmare, until announcing she was pregnant dsis thought I was being a bit precious and unnecessarily sensitive but she has learnt! Fortunately for her she lives 100 miles away so only has to deal with it when it suits her as mum cannot demand she turns up at every opportunity. I wish we could move further away but we moved this village to be nearer dsc's so cannot moves faraway as I would like.

May have to change my phone number if I do step back from her cos I can only imagine the abuse I will get!!

Will be ignoring until she apologises but I suspect the devil will require ice skates before that happens and just hope that I cam get to see dad while she is at work as he works from home three days a week now

You can't force a relationship between her & your daughter though.
And you also have to ask at what cost do you want the relationship?

Okay, your mother sounds overbearing. Possibly coming from a place which is loving and largely well meaning (sounds like that anyway, although I doubt you see it that way?), but has been taken over by the grandparent excitement. You sound jealous of your sister (perhaps justifiably, I don't know) and possibly a little controlling. The characteristics you and your DM appear to have between you are not a great or harmonious combination.

Perhaps you could try to relax a bit and maybe see your DM on neutral ground for a while? Might be enough to change the dynamic?

The birthday vs birth of Dsis baby is a bit of a non-issue in reality (putting aside your personal feelings on the matter). Attendance or non-attendance at a party should not be used to determine the future of a relationship. That would be tragic all round. Imagine in the future having to tell your DD "you don't see granny anymore because she didn't come to your birthday party". It's silly.

One of you has to be the bigger person here and try to make things better. It's at least worth a try before signing off the relationship.

OP, the more you post, the less I understand why you are so invested in having her at the party. Do you seriously want someone there who will criticise every arrangements you have made for the party, will demand to hold dd then sulk in a corner if dd won't stay with her, and will take her off and put Vaseline on her? Really?

You do realise that she can 'demand' all she likes and you can ignore her?
She cannot change dd and put vaseline on her unless you allow it?
Why would you want dd to have a relationship with her if she is so 'wrong'
Either you go to hers and accept what she does,
Go to hers and be determined to get what you want,
Don't go to hers.
If you choose to go because its better for you than her moaning, then you have made that choice and can't moan about it.