to have finally put my mother in her place

[wheresthelight]

Apologies this will be long.

Ever since I told my parents I was pregnant my mum has tried to take over everything and then got pissy and martyr like when I ask her to back off. Have posted before about her snatching dd off me at less than a day old amd having a meltdown when I refused to let her give dd her first bath (dd is pfb and total miracle as was told I was infertile many years ago)

Mum has got no better in 10.5 months in fact she is worse. She got back from holiday last night so hasn't seen dd for nearly 3 weeks so as I was in the area she lives I popped in to say hi. As I got dd out the car mum tried yo take her out my arms and got very huffy when dd clung to me and turned away from her. She has been going through a very clingy stage for about 8 weeks and mum is fully aware but this triggered a whole meltdown from my mum and a tirade that I shouldn't let dd cling to me and should force her to go to other people.

Anyway dd has 4 teeth dropping in her top gum that we only noticed earlier this week. She has zero symptoms and has been her normal happy adventurous self. Mum jumps straight in with all the negatives about sleepless nights, ear infections, etc etc and then followed this up with messages on facebook.

After nearly a year of unsolicited advice and absurd demands over how I should be doing things and telling me everything u do is wrong because it's not how she did it I have snapped and replied to her messages saying not everything was a negative to which she replied saying no but I would understand when things get bad because they will. I was really upset and angry. I suffer anxiety and depression and have done really really well at coping and managing without my depression coming back. But her constant insistence that it's the calm before the storm is wearing me down and making me question myself.

I asked her to stop asking me feel like it was just the calm before the storm, that dd is fine and I am coping. Have just had a message back basically saying I have really upset her as it was "just a joke"

Have I been oversensitive or is she just playing the emotional blackmail card because I have finally stood up to her bs?

And yes I know iwbu to do it via pm on facebook but o can't bring myself to say it to her face because I need to be able to think it thru amd ohrase it right or I will tell her to fuck the fuck off!

I can see that YNBU, your mum sounds genuinely difficult. It sounds like you need to step back to gain some perspective on the situation too though.

Genuine question: Why is your mum obliged to be at the birthday party, even if your sister has gone into labour?

I understand that your mum sounds like she will instantly flit to the place where there is most action with little genuine love for the people in her life - but this seems like the wrong situation to make an issue of it. If only because you're coming across as quite self-absorbed and spoilt. Or am I missing something?

So you objected and that's great, but what you're describing doesn't particularly sound like 'putting her in her place'. Expect little change without far firmer action.

Have you always had a more difficult relationship with your mother than your sister has? A lot of what you have described about your mother does sound unreasonable. However, I do think you need to take a step back and look at the situation with your DDs birthday with slightly more dispassion. What you are currently saying is that you expect your mother to choose you over your sister, to choose one grandchild over another, and that you'll have nothing more to do with her if she doesn't choose the right one - you. Do you really think that is reasonable or fair? How would your sister feel if your mother told her it was more important to see the grandchild she's already spent a year with, rather than the grandchild she's never met? How would you feel if it was you having the baby and your mother went to see your neice for her birthday instead?

She's been annoying you for a year with her advice and overbearing demands and now your annoyed because for once she might not be there to offer herpearls of wisdom. If she irritates you so much why do you want to share your DD's first birthday with her?

I understand that you feel angry and I am, to some extent, playing devil's advocate, but I do think you're not behaving rationally about your DD's birthday.

Of course your mum will go to your younger sister in labour rather than to a first birthday party of your daughter! It is totally unreasonable for you to expect otherwise. 'Never forgive her'. How emotionally blackmailing!

I don't think you know what you want. She has been over bearing and possessive with your dd, and you haven't liked that. However, potentially she will now back off and transfer her obsessiion onto your sisters child thus letting you right off the hook. This prospect isn't pleasing you either.

You have felt over whelmed by her. She is soon to stop and your sister is happy or daft enough to put up with her. What is your problem? With a mother like her it's not ever going to be on your terms.

The birthday party is neither here nor there. The child wont know that granny isn't there. Hell the child won't know it's having a party. You said she ruined Christmas so why on earth would you even want her there.

You say that she has meltdowns but if she misses your DDs party because your sister is having her baby you will never forgive her?

Seems like the apple didnt fall far from the tree drama wise!

YANBU in respect to the way your mother is crossing the line with your DD and criticising you as that I clearly wrong.

But TBH it feels there is more than that to this when you say things about not forgiving your mum if she misses your daughters party and the resentment you appear to have towards your sisters baby being due on your daughters birthday. Or maybe that's a symptom of the strain on your mums and your relationship?

The only answer would be to sit and talk to her and let her know how you feel about her interfering and negative comments. FB and emails are never a good substitute. I don't know if this would be possible though or your mum is the type to flounce off. So failing that you have to pull her into line every time she does something you are not comfortable with. It must be difficult for you OP.

YANBU to stand up to your DM.

YABVU to blame your sister.

Why shouldn't she announce her pregnancy?
You don't have the monopoly on Christmas just because it was your PFB first.

Also you cannot put your DD birthday above that of the birth of your sisters. I very much doubt your sister planned it this way. You say your DM is emotionally controlling and I don't disagree however look at what you are doing because making your DM choose between your DD's birthday and the birth of her GC is exactly the same.

Has it never occurred to you that your sister may need your DM's support during the birth? Your DD will have other birthdays stop being selfish.

I actually think you resent your sister because she appears to have the better relationship with your DM and does not have the anxiety about your DM as you do. That is not her fault.

You have problems with your mum, fine you deal with them but stop trying to blame your sister for it.

I was completely with you until the comment about the first birthday. At that point you lost the moral high ground and became a bit petty I'm afraid.

It's a first birthday. She doesn't know it's her birthday and you would never forgive your mum for choosing to go and meet her next grandchild for the first time over it? Really?

I have not blamed my sister for anything and if you readmy pposts my sister has told mum that my dd takes priority not the new baby. My sister doesn't want mum there when she is in labour or immediately afterwards and has told us both this. However my mother has history of ignoring what she asked and doing what she wants irrespective

So yes having been told by my sister that she is not to rush to her and that she is to attend dd's birthday I will be angry amd unforgiving if she ignores this

Yanbu about your mother being overbearing, although it is best bein just ignored if you can manage.

Yab extremely u and pfb about Christmas - a great time to announce a pregnancy to all the family - and your daughter's birthday. It is only important that you, baby and daddy are there if possible. Your sister'a labour/new baby is MUCH more important - or don't you remember what it was like?! :-/

I think your problems with your dm (which are genuine) are clouding your views on your dd's birthday.

You're hurt at your mother's negativity and constant interfering, but also hurt that she won't be giving dd her full attention on her birthday. I think it might feel as though you're getting all the bad, and none of the good.

If your dm was not the way she is, I honestly think that you'd see the birthday thing for what it is; a newborn baby and mother needing support comes before an older dc's birthday (particularly the 1st birthday as dcs don't remember or care about them, they are for the parents only).

It is horribly to be bombarded by negativity. It hurts, and it takes the joy out of the moment ( because you start waiting for it all to go wrong).

I think you do need to sit your dm down and say these things to her.

"Dm, dd is amazing and brilliant and doing so well. I was worried about how I'd cope with it all, but I am, and I'm really proud of my little family. But there is an issue I really need to talk to you about. I love you, and appreciate your support, but I cannot cope with what seems to be constant negativity from you. If I want advice on something, I will ask for it. But when I don't, please don't tell me something is about to go wrong. I know i don't know everything. Let me find out. And if things go wrong, I'll come to you for help. But constantly feeling like I should be preparing for the worst isn't helping me. It's hurting me."

Then tell her again that you and dd love her.

Over a few weeks see how it goes. If she starts saying anything, think of a silly keyword to say, something like, "here comes the doom and gloom!" If she does start. Just cut her off, and repeat, "I asked you not to say things like that". You can do this in a jokey way. It's about breaking a habit for her.

If she really won't change then for your own sake reduce the amount of time you spend with her. You can tell her why and explain that when she starts being more positive you are happy to see her more.

I think in her misguided way she thinks she's helping. Make it clear what would help. Spell it out. Before it destroys your relationship with her forever.

And do be careful not put yourself in competition with your dsis. She sounds like she's sympathetic to you, and just ignoring your dm for now. If you could work together this would be easier. Don't begrudge your dsis having her dm around her when she gives birth or shortly after. We all need support at that time.

So yes having been told by my sister that she is not to rush to her and that she is to attend dd's birthday I will be angry amd unforgiving if she ignores this

This is the first mention of not having her there is what your sister wants. It was all PFB birthday is more important. I wonder if DSIS is worried she will upset you if DM does not attend the party.

Tbh you actually sound like your DM. You are also emotionally blackmailing.

Being upset is fine being unforgiving is over board.
Let your DSIS deal with your DM regarding the birth of her child and do not get involved. Do not be used as the reason DM is not there to meet her new GC as she will resent you for it and resent you for making her choose. Which will make your already rocky relationship worse.

You say in one breath DM is a nightmare always interferes, steps over the line regarding DD yet you are threatening her if she does not attend the birthday?
I would have thought you would be happier if she did not attend as then you would have a stress free party and no pushy mum. Or is it you are jealous of the attention she will show your sister?

Your mother is unreasonable and sounds incredibly draining.

You sound as if you don't know what you want and nigh impossible to please.

You both sound like "it's my way or the high way" kind of people.

Nobody should be taking priority over anybody!

is your mum your sister's birth partner?

if not, why would she be there?

That said, it's not for either of you to be telling your mum what she should or shouldn't do if she has the choice of 1st party or seeing new Gc.

you are overly invested tbh & care too much about what your mum might do.

Neither mu sister nor my mother know my feelings over dd's birthday so dsis has made her choice entirely on her own thank you. She had discussed dd's birthday with mum long before I mentioned anything about having a party for her

I a not being selfish or my way ot the highway but I do expect my mother to listen to my sister (which she didn't when it was me) amd heed that she doesn't want her there. Dsis saw exactly what mum is like when I was in labour/just given birth and she doesn't want the repeat when it's her turn. She wants mum to be at dd's party because she doesn't want her anywhere near her when she is in labour if she even is as no one knows when her baby will make its debut.

You have read a very small snippet of whaty life is like so do not judge or be nasty when you do not know the full details

But it's irrelevant really.

Your sister goes into labour-she doesn't have to tell your mum!

If she has had the baby & doesn't yet want to see your mum-she doesn't invite her!

Either way your mum is free to go to your daughter's party if she wants to.

You seem to be setting up a test for your mum in the hope that she will fail so that you can stop seeing her.

If you don't want to see her-just don't!

Then all that is for your sister to deal with not you. It is none of your business to fight your sisters battles with DM. If she does not want her there then she is the one that deals with it.

Yes I can only go on the details you have provided and by replies are based on that. Not my fault you have drip fed. You asked for opinions on the situation and I have given them based on what you have said.

In your previous posts you mentioned nothing about wanting to help your DSIS by keeping mum away from the birth, it was all she better come to DD's birthday party and not DSIS birth or I will never forgive her. She ruined DD's Christmas by being excited about another GC. At no point did you say 'oh I only feel this way because I am protecting DSIS'

I stand by my earlier opinion.

Your mother annoys the crap out of you but the thought of her lavishing attention on a new baby bothers you more.

I don't see what I have said as nasty or judgy just an opinion given the information you have provided.

You have read a very small snippet of what my life is like so do not judge or be nasty when you do not know the full details

But a small snippet is what you have presented us with. And you are asking if you are unreasonable. Some think that in some measure, you are.

I think that your mother's attitude to you has rubbed off more than you realise and counselling may help you see that.

I'm afraid you don't get to post a situation on AIBU, then not have people judge it- it tells you at the top that this is the area to canvas others opinions!

I agree it's annoying she sticks her nose in, but at least it shows her wanting to be involved. There is always the option of just smiling or agreeing with her, then getting on with what you want to do- it sounds like thats what your sister is doing.

I also think you're being unreasonable about the party, even if she's at your daughters party, she's going to be worrying about what HER daughter is going through- you're her little girls too, whether you like it or not. My DM was murder in the run up to me and my sister having our kids, because we're still her daughters. And it's lovely that she's excited about the new baby, maybe you should join her in being happy and excited about a new cousin for your DD to share her life with.

Hello op. She sounds like a nightmare.

When you say she has a meltdown, what does that entail?

bit think terrible twos without the tears basically. Everything she does is thrown back in her face, she never interferes but is accused of it all the time, no one thinks about her feelings, she is just trying to have a joke and everyone else takes ot the wrong way and then gets nasty with her. It's all woe is me crap and then she sulks in a corner and refuses to speak. She did it yesterday morning because she had run out of fabric softener. Even my dad despairs of her. He said as I was leaving yesterday that she cannot be pleased and he doesn't know what has got into her lately.

Wow! You all sound very enmeshed and over invested.

I do appreciate your concern for your DSIS in that she doesn't want DM there when she gives birth, but it really isn't your problem is it? By getting involved you are making it sound like you are forcing DM to choose between your DD birthday and DSIS giving birth.

I think the vast majority of people would expect a new GM to go off to see a new GC rather than attend a 1st bday party. You may not mean it but you are coming across as very competitive and I am wondering if this is something your DM has fostered over the years? My DM practised "divide and rule" and would delight in setting siblings against each other. Is one of you the Golden Child and one of you the Scapegoat?

DM sounds like she is taking over far too much and I agree with PP that you should just take a step back, contact her far less often, tell her very little, then she cannot contribute her negativity. For example, if she didn't know about the new teeth coming through you wouldn't have had all that doom and gloom. FWIW my DC never so much as whimpered when their teeth came through.

You need to distance yourself from her physically and emotionally and I am sure things will get much better for you.

I may have misread but there is no mention of DDs dad? What does he make of all this drama?

All this MIL cr*p stems ftom jealousy pure and simple.