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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re dad and wife staying when baby comes?

59 replies

Eminybob · 05/07/2014 20:06

I'm 37 weeks pregnant, and as none of my family live locally, I will be putting people up when they come and visit once the baby comes.

My mum will come up just after DP goes back to work and she's planning to help about the house and with the baby. That will help and be lovely.

My dad and his wife have planned a visit in September to coincide with my dad's birthday. They have had this planned for quite a few months and to be honest the birthday sounds more like the main purpose of the trip, rather than visiting us and the baby.

They came up to stay earlier in the year, and are just such hard work. She has ridiculous demands about what she will and won't eat, and she is always ill and moaning. Just before they came last time she dropped a shampoo bottle on her foot and had to be in a wheelchair the whole time (well the dr didn't give her one, she hired it Hmm) and I at 12 weeks pregnant had to push her round the whole time (I started a thread about it at the time)

They don't drive so will expect to be picked up from the train station and ferried round, and wanting to visit other local family.

I will have a poss 6 week old baby, I've not done this before and I really don't know how I'll cope entertaining visitors, let alone ones as demanding as them (well, her, my dad is pretty easy going)

Anyway, she's just called me asking me to get a birthday cake for my dad before they come and I'm afraid I was rather off with her. I said quite shortly that I will if I remember but I have quite a lot going on between now and then. Also said I won't be able to look after then as I will be preoccupied with baby. She sounded quite upset and asked if it was still ok to come. I feel awful but I really would rather they didn't stay. Of course I want my dad to meet his grandson and them staying is the only way it can happen. They wanted to come for 2 weeks originally, I think I've already upset then but saying they can only stay a few days.

Aibu and a bit pfb? Anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 05/07/2014 20:10

A few days is more than enough, especially as they are unlikely to be jumping up to help.

Start practising now:

'when you're making your dinner do make enough for me and DH. I'm sure it'll be lovely'

'Are you going to see George and Mildred? There's a bus timetable in the hall'.

etc.

Hissy · 05/07/2014 20:10

Tell them they can stay in a b and b if they want to dictate the ins and outs.

Nicola19 · 05/07/2014 20:11

Please don't have visitors to stay until baby is > 3/12 old! Honestly, you may be so stressed and unhappy. Need them to get a travel lodge or something.

picnicbasketcase · 05/07/2014 20:12

Tbh, if I knew I'd be busy with a new baby and that the guests would expect me to do everything and would have constant demands, I'd tell them the timing wasn't right and try to rearrange it.

freezation · 05/07/2014 20:13

I don't think you're bring unreasonable at all. You'll need evenings to yourselves. Can't they stay in a hotel and see you during the day at your convenience?

Nicola19 · 05/07/2014 20:13

And if you're worried about 'family obligations' in my book post- birth, these go out the window temporarily. You really do have to do what you and your family needs.

Original poster
Eminybob · 05/07/2014 20:14

I don't feel I can ask then to stay in a hotel. Especially as I'm happy to have my mum stay (but it will just be her and she's already said her main purpose is to help)
The thought of them staying is already making me feel anxious though.

OP posts:
PeachyParisian · 05/07/2014 20:14

Sounds like you don't get on well with your Dad's wife.

Ask them to stay in a hotel or b&b, as with a newborn, you will not have the energy to dedicate to them and their needs.

Nicola19 · 05/07/2014 20:14

I mean your new, little family!

BlackeyedSusan · 05/07/2014 20:15

let them stay but don't do stuff for them. if you think you can not do that ask them to stay in a b and b.

MrsAmaretto · 05/07/2014 20:16

God no, tell them to stay in a B&B or at other family. Talk to your dad, not his wife & remind him how shit it is to have a newborn and that you don't think you can cope having guests to stay, only live-in slaves.

At 6weeks I had a gaping infected c-section scar & was struggling to breastfeed. I barely left my bedroom or the sitting room. I'm not meaning to scare you, plenty of women are at their first mother & baby groups at 3 days! But it may be best to remind your dad that there is no guarantee & unless he's going to wait in you hand and foot he can get bed & board somewhere else. As for his wife -wtaf!!

HaroldLloyd · 05/07/2014 20:19

I would probably give them one chance but make it clear there won't be any chance of lifts cooking etc.

A baby is a marvellous excuse to get out of things, if they want a lift or are expecting a meal you can just hide in your room and sniff it's feet.

If they are hard work, I wouldn't have them again.

wafflyversatile · 05/07/2014 20:20

Actually if you said there would be others they would be visiting then that might be an out. If they stay with other relatives or friends they can come over daily for a few hours. You can dress it up as being for their comfort and/or say a bit nearer the time I just don't think I'll be up to looking after houseguests so it's better for you to stay at George and Mildred's.

Original poster
Eminybob · 05/07/2014 20:21

Well that's another thing I'm worried about. I plan to ebf and will still be getting to grips with it. I don't want to add to the stress by doing it with an audience!

OP posts:
PrayersDoGetAnswered · 05/07/2014 20:23

Your Mum helps out, they are like a pair of kids, I would have them stay in a hotel.

Original poster
Eminybob · 05/07/2014 20:23

Well the other family live an hour away so it's not local enough for them to stay there and pop here during the day. Although I will be expected to take them there to visit!

OP posts:
Original poster
Eminybob · 05/07/2014 20:26

The thing that has really really annoyed me was the phone call asking for the cake. I was getting used to the idea before she did that!

OP posts:
PrayersDoGetAnswered · 05/07/2014 20:28

I get it, no wonder your Mum and Dad are no longer together, he probably took the piss of her good nature. Now wife number 2 is so fed up pandering to him continually, she comes to you for a break from his demands?

Ship them out to a hotel OP.

missbluebird · 05/07/2014 20:30

I'm now at 17 weeks with my first baby and could just about manage a visitor overnight. At 6 weeks I could manage visitors for 30 mins max. If you can get out of them staying do it. There's nothing worse than trying to establish breast feeding under a blanket or having to leave the room. You'll need rest and all your waking time will be devoted to baby. A helpful mum yes but high maintenance family members def no.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/07/2014 20:33

Start as you mean to go on, say no now!

Keep saying no, until saying yes suits you.

I remember your othet threads.

Don't be a doormat.

LoonvanBoon · 05/07/2014 20:36

It sounds like it would be much easier if they stayed in a B&B, as others have said.

If that's not possible, then a few days in your home would certainly be enough.

What seems downright weird to me is that your dad's wife is talking to you about a birthday cake for a birthday that's in September - that's TWO MONTHS away, for God's sake!

Are you an amazing cake-maker who always does cakes for family birthdays, or something? Can't make sense of it otherwise. I can't imagine thinking about anyone's birthday cake that far in advance - & would certainly never ask a woman with a tiny baby to make one! Why can't she just buy your dad a cake?

PrayersDoGetAnswered · 05/07/2014 20:38

LoonvanBoon, my guess is that the stepmum is so busy meeting her DH's needs it is all she can think about, she looks on going to see his DD as a break and see's it as an opportunity to off load her responsibility.

tripecity · 05/07/2014 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squitten · 05/07/2014 20:39

You have your opening now OP! She knows something is up so take your chance and either call or email (preferably) to say that your recent chat had prompted you to just clarify a few things about their intended visit. Then explain that you'll have your hands completely full with new baby, BF, sleepless nights, etc, and whilst you'd love to see them, you know they will understand that they will need to be very independent on this trip and sort themselves out.

If the response from them includes an offer to put it off/rearrange, for goodness sake take it! Any temporary bad feeling will be worth it for the lack of stress!

Original poster
Eminybob · 05/07/2014 20:39

Thanks all. Consensus is that I should get them to stay elsewhere. I know they will be devastated and I don't want to hurt them but if it's making me this stressed out now I can't imagine what I'll be like closer to the time.
I'll speak to DP and see what he thinks (he's lucky he's not here at the moment I would have gone full on rant mode at him after that phone call!)

OP posts: