Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Re dad and wife staying when baby comes?

59 replies

Eminybob · 05/07/2014 20:06

I'm 37 weeks pregnant, and as none of my family live locally, I will be putting people up when they come and visit once the baby comes.

My mum will come up just after DP goes back to work and she's planning to help about the house and with the baby. That will help and be lovely.

My dad and his wife have planned a visit in September to coincide with my dad's birthday. They have had this planned for quite a few months and to be honest the birthday sounds more like the main purpose of the trip, rather than visiting us and the baby.

They came up to stay earlier in the year, and are just such hard work. She has ridiculous demands about what she will and won't eat, and she is always ill and moaning. Just before they came last time she dropped a shampoo bottle on her foot and had to be in a wheelchair the whole time (well the dr didn't give her one, she hired it ) and I at 12 weeks pregnant had to push her round the whole time (I started a thread about it at the time)

They don't drive so will expect to be picked up from the train station and ferried round, and wanting to visit other local family.

I will have a poss 6 week old baby, I've not done this before and I really don't know how I'll cope entertaining visitors, let alone ones as demanding as them (well, her, my dad is pretty easy going)

Anyway, she's just called me asking me to get a birthday cake for my dad before they come and I'm afraid I was rather off with her. I said quite shortly that I will if I remember but I have quite a lot going on between now and then. Also said I won't be able to look after then as I will be preoccupied with baby. She sounded quite upset and asked if it was still ok to come. I feel awful but I really would rather they didn't stay. Of course I want my dad to meet his grandson and them staying is the only way it can happen. They wanted to come for 2 weeks originally, I think I've already upset then but saying they can only stay a few days.

Aibu and a bit pfb? Anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

Eminybob · 05/07/2014 20:42

Loonvan she's asked me to buy it, not make it thank god! But like you say it's 2 months off, so it's obvious what her priority for the trip is!

OP posts:

wafflyversatile · 05/07/2014 20:44

If it's ok for you to ferry them to various people an hour away then it is ok for them to be ferried by other people to you.

you could just be upfront with them. I think it would be better if you stayed at a B&B as it's quite a lot of work looking after guests and I'll probably not be up to it.

'but your mum is staying for a week'.

yeah, but she's coming to help not use the place as a hotel.

Also re cake: 'order it online and get it delivered here just before you arrive. you can order whatever food you would like when you're on there too so you know there are the correct ingredients for whatever dinners you will be making'

wafflyversatile · 05/07/2014 20:45

And agree you should speak to your dad, not his partner.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 05/07/2014 20:45

'The thing is, with it being so soon after the baby is born I don't want Dad's birthday visit to end up being you spending all your time helping out, cooking, washing etc. and hardly getting any sleep with us all being up with the baby etc. I know that that's what Mum is happy to do when she comes but it seems a shame for you to come all this way on Dad's special day and hardly get a chance to do anything except help out in the house - as it will be all hands to the pumps here! At least if you stay in a B&B I'll feel better about it being a real break for you and we can work it so that you can spend some of the downtime with us.'

wafflyversatile · 05/07/2014 20:45

if you want them to stay elsewhere, not about the cake!

LoonvanBoon · 05/07/2014 20:47

Good ideas, waffly. And yes, if she's talking about a shop-bought cake, it's just madness that she can't arrange to buy / order it herself.

wafflyversatile · 05/07/2014 20:49

Perfect wording, bruno!

unlucky83 · 05/07/2014 20:49

I agree with Bruno - fantastic approach ...
Travelodge have incredibly cheap rooms - especially if you book in advance...(£19 per night for 2)
I'd book them into one - then they can visit everyday etc but you get space in the morning and evening ....
My M&D do this when they visit us..cos my mum and I tend to fall out - she says my house isn't comfortable, I let my children stay up too late/get up too late/eat breakfast in their PJS etc.
They go for breakfast somewhere in the morning and then come late morning we spend the day together and eat dinner together (usually out or fish & chips etc - probably cook dinner twice in a week) then they go back to their hotel...and I let out a big sigh of relief and we have kept disagreements to a minimum....
I think I am quite harsh though...
When my French MIL came to stay she was on a restricted diet - I bought the ingredients for her with her and she cooked for herself...
I do the same with my sister (vegetarian) - she cooks her own food...unless we are eating something she can eat too...
(Actually I fell out with my sister years ago when she came to visit/use me as somewhere to stay seeing her friends when she'd moved away. I was in a shared house, working 90 hr weeks and on my day off she woke me up at 9am to tell me there was no loo roll in one of the loos... told her in no uncertain turns there was another loo and failing that there was a shop on the corner...)

Billygoats · 05/07/2014 20:51

I'm sorry but this just screams you don't like your step mum. I'm not seeing why it is so rude to ask you to buy a birthday cake? That's not a biggie for you to pick up? Whereas for her she would have to bring it down with her and potentially your father would see it.

PrayersDoGetAnswered · 05/07/2014 20:53

Hoof!

londonrach · 05/07/2014 20:54

Just say excellent im going to needs your help with cleaning, food cooking and washing....suspect you hear they booked into a hotel after that...

Original poster

Eminybob · 05/07/2014 20:57

Billy the cake is just the last straw.

OP posts:

Celticchick10 · 05/07/2014 22:03

How big was the bloody bottle of shampoo to merit a wheelchair?
Sounds horrendous OP.

Celticchick10 · 05/07/2014 22:03

Your situation sounds horrendous I mean not the bottle of shampoo falling on your dads wife's toe :)

HaroldLloyd · 05/07/2014 22:04

Oh that's a good idea from London

I'm so looking forward to you coming, I could really use some help.

cjelh · 05/07/2014 22:15

I don'tthink you can compare dms visit and dad and step mum. I have dd and ddil and would not expect to be treated the same by both. A lady wants her mum with her after birth not a step mum like this.

Please don't keep quiet, speak up and don't have them to stay. If they get upset then you were right to do what you do. It they think about you they will understand, if not then you are right to put them off.You won't want to entertain so soon after birth of your pfb.

wafflyversatile · 06/07/2014 00:45

Oh, yes! Email them a list of chores you'll be wanting them to do when they're at yours! Challenge yourself to do a whole itinerary hour by hour. you are going to be using terry towelling reusable nappies aren't you? They'll need laundered. Nappy changing duty. The bathroom could do with top to toe scrubbing.Don't forget to rota them in on night feeds!

Doingakatereddy · 06/07/2014 00:52

It seems like it's your first baby and your Dad is quite old enough to manage without a cake.

Babies and new parents come first. I'd be saying you can visit, but B&B for three days max and we are not taking you anywhere.

I'm sure someone, somewhere will get upset and so be it but seriously at six weeks in things are still very early. Take care of yourself

LowCarbHeaven · 06/07/2014 00:58

I think the best thing would be to tell them now that you don't think staying at your place is a good idea. Then they have lots of notice to arrange other accommodation. You are allowed to make decisions all about you when you have a newborn! When DS was 6 weeks old, I only had people over for short bursts as I was still BF, sore and tired. Don't let them stay when you clearly don't want too just because you are worried how they might take it.

catsofa · 06/07/2014 01:33

OMG yes, tell them they will be staying elsewhere.

In your first email, get them all nice and prepared for their visit staying with you and helping out constantly with every little detail:

"Have both of you changed nappies before, or will you need a tutorial? There are some good ones here if you do! (link to online How To Change a Nappy tutorials showing explosive diarrhoea with baby screaming at full pelt through the whole thing, much louder than the person talking so they have to turn it up loud)."

"We plan to raise the baby as (e.g.) a fruitarian, so while I am breastfeeding the family will all be eating only raw fruit and nuts. Here are some ideas for meals you can make for us (link to complicated recipes for the most restrictive diet you can find)."

"It may have been different in your day, but of course modern guidance is that babies under 6 years of age should be held and rocked only in a clockwise motion while facing East, as this stimulates the Northern part of the brain responsible for the heart rate. Here is a video explaining the technique (link). If they are not asleep after about three hours then you can rest for three minutes before beginning again, it would be most helpful if you could take on the 3am - 6am shift..." etc.

If they don't reply within a day saying they've changed their minds then send one saying that on second thoughts it would be better if they stayed at whatever the nearest hotel is, as then they will be close enough to do the daytime nappy changes, fruitarian cooking etc so you can rest.

Sorry couldn't resist a silly post, your mum sounds lovely, do tell anyone who isn't as considerate to bugger off when you're busy, and just enjoy your new baby.

TropicalHorse · 06/07/2014 02:17

I am forever relieved and quite proud that I steadfastly but politely refused to have my PIL to stay when our baby was tiny, even though they were coming halfway round the world. They stayed with my mum instead which worked brilliantly as they are passive and hard bloody work and my mum is super bossy... so she bossed them but they liked it!
So just chiming in, OP, to agree that it's important to keep your space to yourself and that a bit of uncomfortable discussion about it now will be worth it!

expatinscotland · 06/07/2014 02:31

You need to tell your dad they need to stay somewhere else and why. The lifts, the catering, cannot happen when you have a new baby. People should never expect that.

Cheepypeepy · 06/07/2014 05:30

Bruno's message is perfect

Trooperslane · 06/07/2014 05:47

Bruno has it.

Hellojello · 06/07/2014 06:17

Ask them to stay but tell them you will have your hands full and can they organise all the meals and cleaning to support you. Tell them you are worried about the lack of sleep, exhaustion levels etc and so will really need support.

Flip

1 2 3