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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit conflicted about this...

64 replies

everythinghippie29 · 05/07/2014 19:16

DP has just been offered a free ticket to a 5 day festival this summer. It is a festival we would both love to go to but weren't able to as we couldn't afford to go and have a 7 month old ds who is still BF.

I'm currently on maternity leave and we had decided that I will not be going back to work as our childcare costs would be the same amount as I earn and so not worth it. Money is really tight as next month is my first without maternity pay.

DP recently won a few vouchers at work (for his hard work) had we had earmarked for a new vacuum cleaner as ours is broken (After he had ddecided there was nothing he particularly wanted/needed himself) He's now decided he wants to 'sell' his vouchers to use as spending money at the festival (in honesty, the amount he would get wouldn't cover food and drink over 5 days at festival prices, let alone the additional bits and pieces such as travel, so it would involve additional cash being spent!)

DP had also previously told me we could not visit my family (who live far away and I only see a couple of times a year) at Christmas as he had no holiday left. Suddenly he has a spare 3 days free which when combined with the weekend would allow him to attend.

He is a grown man and he earned his vouchers so it IS up to him what happens with them but at the moment I feel both annoyed and at the same time guilty for being annoyed/jealous that he gets 5 days of fun, while I'm at home with the baby and no break.

He does work hard but so do I with a clingy baby who still doesn't sleep through and is still EBF. I would never dream of spending this much of our limited money on something for just me. Obviously it is his choice, but would I be unreasonable to tell him that I think he is being selfish or let him go and enjoy himself. I feel so grumpy, old and curmudgeonly and I know it's all mainly because I like love to go too! :(

OP posts:
pillowaddict · 05/07/2014 19:27

Personally I would be extremely hurt if DH put himself above the needs of the family in this way. I know my DH would never do that, and rather sell the festival ticket to put towards a family holiday than go himself. Is this an option? I might be selfish but there is no way I'd support him to have this trip at the expense of necessary household items and holidays to see grandparents.

doofreywotsit · 05/07/2014 19:37

I would be upset too; the part that would upset me the most is the fact that he was able to conjur up extra holiday days despite telling you that you couldn't go to see family as he had none left before!

Original poster
everythinghippie29 · 05/07/2014 19:38

Thank you! I think that's how I feel exactly! The ticket has been (kindly) offered by a friend of DPs who is very much a single, batchelor type and doesn't think anything of DP just upping sticks for 5 days to get drunk/high and listen to music. I just feel a bit hurt that DP didn't say 'oh I would LOVE to but can't afford it because X, Y, Z. I still feel like a joyless old misery guts though and wish I could be cool and breezy about it instead of feeling a bit teary and sad.

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littlejohnnydory · 05/07/2014 19:38

No, that isn't on. We're in a similar position with one sahp and money tight. My dh wouldn't consider spending scarce money on a break just for him, above essentials and visiting family and neither would I if I'd won the ticket.

Best thing to do is sell the ticket so the three of you can have a treat.

IfYouCouldSeeMeNow · 05/07/2014 19:42

Presumably he can't sell the tickets, because his friend has offered them to him.

Could he go to part of the event?

I can completely see where you're coming from, but on the other hand, if he's got tickets for free, it seems silly to stop him going because you can't.

Could he go for three days, and then keep two to use with you or to visit your family?

IfYouCouldSeeMeNow · 05/07/2014 19:43

Presumably he can't sell the tickets, because his friend has offered them to him.

Could he go to part of the event?

I can completely see where you're coming from, but on the other hand, if he's got tickets for free, it seems silly to stop him going because you can't.

Could he go for three days, and then keep two to use with you or to visit your family?

CheeryName · 05/07/2014 19:44

I'd be bloody livid - fine to do that if you can BOTH do things you want, but this isn't at all equal and your partner is being selfish and thoughtless.

Have you told work you aren't going back yet? It might be worth going back after all - childcare costs do reduce as children grow, and it is good to keep some independence.

FatalCabbage · 05/07/2014 19:45

I agree. I am sympathetic that it's his ticket and his vouchers, but he's spending joint money on top, and annual leave which is effectively joint since you're a SAHM.

Finola1step · 05/07/2014 19:46

It's all about balance.

It's not acceptable for your dh to go on a five day j

Finola1step · 05/07/2014 19:50

Oops posted too soon

On a five day jolly when you won't be able to see your family at Xmas.

He can't be spending money in such a way when the family budget is tight. I would love to go on a 5 day jaunt. So would my dh. But not if it meant that the sacrifices make life tough for the other.

The balance of priorities is all wrong here.

hettie · 05/07/2014 19:50

I'd be pissed because I believe all financial decisions are joint. I'd also seriously be songwriting going back to work... Of you're going down the his money my money route then you're putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. I appreciate that right now work is only a break eben proposition but think of the long term. Keeping yourself in the work place will pay off over the long term, keeping your skills up and in touch and also opening up potential options for promotions. Bloody hard to go back to anything like the same pay after 5 years out. Also as already noted childcare costs reduce

TheHouseCleaner · 05/07/2014 19:51

I'd have no issue with DH using the ticket he was given. It's his, after all. I'd have no issue with him using his vouchers which he won at work either.

I would be asking him who he was going to find to look after his baby while he was away though.

The assumption that you'll do it is the bit which makes him a prize dick.

hettie · 05/07/2014 19:52

Songwriting Confused bloody autocorrect considering

Original poster
everythinghippie29 · 05/07/2014 20:04

Haha, songwriting did throw me a bit!

Re. Work, I am going back into work in a totally different field when DS reaches about 18 months. I was made redundant whilst pregnant and jumped to the only job available. They arent great/flexible at awouldn't cover and as mentioned the wage plus travel costs wouldnt cover DS's childcare at the moment! It is difficult but wedidiscussed it and it all seemed fine. We are usually very happy to share what we have and don't do the whole 'mine' 'yours' thing.

I know it's a great opportunity for him with the ticket being free but I still just feel a bit crap that he didn't think about how him going might hurt my feelings/cost us money we don't have.

OP posts:
Original poster
everythinghippie29 · 05/07/2014 20:06

Sorry, my phone is not long for this world and keeps hopping text around! Hence terrible posts!

Glad to see I'm not being a total unreasonable cow!

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Greenkit · 05/07/2014 20:06

You sure he hasnt sneeky like, bought the ticket himeself??

hamptoncourt · 05/07/2014 20:21

I agree with green I would be very suspicious about the "free" ticket.

BranchingOut · 05/07/2014 20:25

I am a bit worried that you are going to be struggling for a hoover without those vouchers.

Is your DH going to suck the mess off the floors?

PeachyParisian · 05/07/2014 20:26

He shouldn't be going to the festival really, should he?
If you are now a SAHM, what's his is yours, even more so than before.
Has he said it's his decision wrt the vouchers?

wafflyversatile · 05/07/2014 20:37

I think if the vouchers he got will afford 2 days at the festival then maybe he can do that? 5 days is too long, especially for someone who doesn't have the holiday left for family visits.

WhatsMyAgeAgain · 05/07/2014 20:45

I think that while you have such a young baby and are on mat leave finances, there are some things that just can't happen. One of you going away for 5 days would be near the top of the list. You're a team. You've been a team for the last 7 months, 5 days on your own is totally unfair. Especially as he would be somewhere you would also like to be!

tumbletumble · 05/07/2014 20:51

As the ticket is free and he would love to go I would let him personally - but only on the understanding that this is a big sacrifice on my part. Can the two of you come up with something that would be a real treat for you to look forward to, maybe in a few months time when you're not breastfeeding?

Original poster
everythinghippie29 · 05/07/2014 21:15

Not worried that he bought the tickets. I know the friend
buying them bought them for him and his girlfriend and she has dropped out. Friend has form for being generous in this kind of way before!

As for the Hoover, technically ours still works but only the tube part (it's an upright and the bottom bit won't suck anymore) so doing any room takes me ages on hand and knee! We can get one without the vouchers if i budget for it but it would be a cheaper/smaller one.

Hes categorically said the voucher money is his but has joked about it and Obv has now stated what he wants to do. As it is an 'extra' he earned through working well I feel guilty staking any claim on it.

I could suggest a few days at the festival rather than the full 5, but really with travel costs still being the same it seems like a lot of trouble and I'm sure his friend could probably find someone else who could go for the duration so it would t be wasted

OP posts:
Original poster
everythinghippie29 · 05/07/2014 21:22

tumbletumble

Im trying to look at it that way and be all selfless so he can go and have fun but I am having a serious 'generous gesture' failure and just feel I'm only going to get more annoyed and bitter as the time approaches as I'm just so tired!

After 5 days alone with DS, followed obviously by him going straight back to work and being knackered after camping for 5 days I will be wound so tight I might garott him with his festival wrist band whilst making him eat the program whole!

I'm not sure what we could set up that would make me feel better for it!

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owlbegoing · 05/07/2014 21:24

I would be seriously annoyed about the time off angle. 5 days jolly for him shouldn't come at the expense of time with grandparents.