AIBU to feel a bit conflicted about this...

[everythinghippie29]

DP has just been offered a free ticket to a 5 day festival this summer. It is a festival we would both love to go to but weren't able to as we couldn't afford to go and have a 7 month old ds who is still BF.

I'm currently on maternity leave and we had decided that I will not be going back to work as our childcare costs would be the same amount as I earn and so not worth it. Money is really tight as next month is my first without maternity pay.

DP recently won a few vouchers at work (for his hard work) had we had earmarked for a new vacuum cleaner as ours is broken (After he had ddecided there was nothing he particularly wanted/needed himself) He's now decided he wants to 'sell' his vouchers to use as spending money at the festival (in honesty, the amount he would get wouldn't cover food and drink over 5 days at festival prices, let alone the additional bits and pieces such as travel, so it would involve additional cash being spent!)

DP had also previously told me we could not visit my family (who live far away and I only see a couple of times a year) at Christmas as he had no holiday left. Suddenly he has a spare 3 days free which when combined with the weekend would allow him to attend.

He is a grown man and he earned his vouchers so it IS up to him what happens with them but at the moment I feel both annoyed and at the same time guilty for being annoyed/jealous that he gets 5 days of fun, while I'm at home with the baby and no break.

He does work hard but so do I with a clingy baby who still doesn't sleep through and is still EBF. I would never dream of spending this much of our limited money on something for just me. Obviously it is his choice, but would I be unreasonable to tell him that I think he is being selfish or let him go and enjoy himself. I feel so grumpy, old and curmudgeonly and I know it's all mainly because I like love to go too! :(

vijac if he goes, he legitimately won't have any holiday left for the year to go in December!

I'm going to have a chat with him when the football finishes (won't get any sense before!)

I'll put across my side and see if we can't sort out SOME sort of compromise.

everything

Love you don't have to be Perfect 50s Housewife and him the big, bad wolf for Cinderalla syndrom to set in. It isn't all that easy to recognise when it's creeping up on you. But it can be horribly corrosive for a relationship.

It's like Japanese knotweed. You have to it treat fast and effectively when it first sprouts, or risk it buggering up your foundations in the future.

I think you are totally right and we need to talk about it before, as you say, it becomes resentment.

I just felt I'd perhaps painted it all a bit black and white against DP and that certainly isn't the case. I'm far from
perfect!

You are spot on with how attitudes can be insidious and big issues can grow from the small things. Already this feels bigger than just 'budget'.

Thank you for your good advice.

Already this feels bigger than just 'budget'

That's because the budget isn't the "thing". It's just the overcoat the "thing" is wearing.

It's an important "thing", but don't panic just yet at it's potential size. Cos ... it could be blip sized.

A lot of couples go through this when the power balance changes and the one with the money, and the social sanctioned right to claim he did all the earning... can backslide away from the better place they used to be.

A lot of couples fix it. Without it being a long, huge, drawnout drama. Without any permenent damage.

Ours was roadbump sized. High enough to jolt, not high enough to rip the exhust off. But... we fixed it. He felt like a worm when I turned the context round so he could "feel" what my position left me feeling.

Admittedly there was also some dark muttering about "oh you'd die for me, but not learn how to use a fecking washing machine, work the coffee pot and stop doling out money to me like I was a kid on pocket money day"... so don't worry if it doesn't get pulled off with total grace and dignity.

We all see things from our own perspective easier than from others. As mammuzza says the change in dynamic when one partner is earning and the other staying at home can trigger a 'thing'.

So there is budget. Whose money, who decides. You do it together. You reach consensus. (hopefully)

The other part is time, particularly leisure time, couple time and child-free time.

In many families with a baby one partner is constrained in their outside pursuits physically by bfing, taking on more night wakings, just being knackered, a body that needs to recover from childbirth, for instance. And often, IME, by a lack of desire to be away from baby even if the opportunity arises! On the one hand it seems churlish to disallow the other partner time out even though the constraints listed don't apply by them also rarely or never going out on their own. On the other hand, in solidarity if nothing else, they should probably constrain themselves to a degree. Major time off from baby should be your gift to give rather than their right to take.

You may have given up work, as a joint decision, because your wages would be the same as childcare. You still have equal say in decisions, rights to family money, and time off.

I say this as some one who used to be a SAHM, my dp would never have done this if finances were short. I had time to do such things, so did he, if we could afford it. I love festivals but would have turned it down if it was too inconvenient for family life.

You could go back to work and as a family unit you'd have no more income in the short term. You would maintain your work reference history, salary, career development. Where would you be work wise in 5 to 10 years time? In the mean time he would be using much of his holiday for sole childcare, doing his HALF using the vacuum, thinking, cooking, shopping, planning. Buying clothes, planning birthdays blah blah blah.

He is benefiting from you giving up your job. Don't apologise for expecting anything,

tbf to the OP's DH. There isn't much to indicate he's any sort of arsehole. this opportunity has arisen and he's got all excited and carried away most likely. 'FREE STUFF'!

I agree that although the 'childcare would cancel out my salary' argument for staying home is intuitive, it's not necessarily a good enough argument on it's own. there are advantages to being a SAHM and advantages to working, even if childcare does cancel out the extra income. Childcare is to allow you both to work and is both of your expense, not an expense to allow one of you to work.

Communication, communication!

When making the childcare cancels out salary decision the basis is that it is shared family income. If not, you would be splitting the cost and not even looking at the total picture

By agreeing to this it is implicit that all earned money is shared and is not just the earners. So you do have an equal say in what he does with that earned income.

I hope the talk went well, since while I was reading thtough, I was thinking, "How much more unequal is this relationship going to get?"

• He "gets to keep" bonuses for "working well", but (a) he doesn't seem to have to do much else (certainly no hoovering!), so he's always fresh for work, and (b) you have less opportunity to "work well", since your broken work tool (tge hoover) wastes time and energy (which you could spend on doing the rest of your job well - cuddling and tending to your baby). How is this fair?

No holiday available for you to see your parents (and that is important for you as well as your baby), yet he pinches time for himself (which you pay for by being alone for five days), withdraws a promised investment to make your life easier, AND filches family funds, which are already short.

And there you are, saying, "I know I'm not oerfect." You don't need to be perfect to deserve (and demand) equal treatment.

I'd let him go. It's 5 days out of presumably a lifetime? Not sure why he has to go with you to see your parents. In over 25 years I might just be into double figures for the times I've accompanied my husband to visit his mother.

Can't the whole thing be swings and roundabouts and you get some "you time" on another occasion.

I don't really see what the big deal is about having to be the only person to look after your (still bf) child for 5 days.

I'm a bit puzzled how he seems to have such little holiday entitlement though.

Well we had a chat and I think (as some posters suggested) that he had got a bit excited and carried away with the idea. When I spoke to him about it he said straight away that he totally understood. I still felt a bit guilty and miserable pointing it out but he was fine about it and did concede that the cost would probably have got a bit too high anyway.

I asked about the possibility of him going to just the weekend section of it but he isn't keen as it would take the opportunity to go for the full festival off someone else....and he just realised his works summer party is that weekend

So to conclude, all is now well, communication was all that was needed and we shall be getting our vacuum cleaner and Mr 'Cinders' will be going to a ball!

To the poster who asked why I couldn't go alone at Xmas, I guess I could but he would miss LO's first birthday and (proper) Xmas and an 8+ hour public transport journey with our luggage and (by then) one year old certainly didn't sound like fun!

Thanks to everyone who gave advice on both sides!

we shall be getting our vacuum cleaner and Mr 'Cinders' will be going to a ball!

Good news OP

I feel strangely excited about your new vacuum cleaner - do consider a Henry!